“There’s a park not too far from here. We could go there?” I offer. He can’t come up to my apartment. Not yet. Maybe not ever, depending.
I use the bathroom before we leave, and when I return RJ has fresh hot drinks for us in take-out cups. I don’t know what to think about this entire situation. Walter is nice, he doesn’t travel for work, and he doesn’t make a scene or get mobbed when we go out in public. And he’s been very accepting of my current situation and my obvious reluctance to get into a relationship.
I decide I need to just be honest with RJ—it’s really the only way I’ll know for sure what his real intentions are. If he can’t handle the truth, then he’ll disappear from my life again, and that will be that.
We find a secluded bench in the park down the street from my house. There are parents seated on the other side, near the play structure, but otherwise it’s peaceful.
“I’m sorry about that. I probably should’ve suggested we just come to a park in the first place. It’s not always this intense, but the season is starting soon, so we’re getting a lot of promo. I’ve been trying to stay off the media radar, but being team captain makes it tough.” He stretches his arm across the back of the bench, fingers brushing my shoulder.
“Can I ask you something?” I fidget with the sleeve on my cup, picking at the edge so I don’t have to look at him. He’s just so disarmingly beautiful.
“Yeah, of course.”
“I don’t understand why you’re so intent on pursuing me when you could have anyone you want. What am I to you, other than the woman you pretended to be someone else with for a handful of weeks?”
“That’s the thing, though, Lainey. I wasn’t pretending to be someone else. Yes, I lied about my job, but everything else was me—you got the real me.”
“But did I really? Because what I saw back there, isn’t that the real you? Is that what happens to you whenever you go somewhere and people recognize you?”
“I just wanted someone to see me, authentically see me, and I felt like you did. I never felt more like myself than I did when I was with you.”
I consider that—and how, for those weeks I was with him, I’d felt like the best version of myself. He made me feel safe and special and important. “I have to tell you something.” I clutch my tea, trying to find the resolve to spit the words out. I can’t decide anymore if I want him to still be the man I spent those weeks with or the lying jerk who recently dropped back into my life. Both are complicated for very different reasons.
“Okay. I’m listening.”
I shift, turning toward him, knowing I need to see his reaction when I tell him this, because for better or worse, it will change everything.
“I have a son.”
CHAPTER 17
DO THE MATH
Rook
“I—what?” I don’t know what I expected her to say—maybe something along the lines of I’m still in love with you. Or I missed you, or I used to be a fucking circus clown, but I have a son was definitely not on my list of possibilities.
“His name is Kody, with a K.” She sets her tea down and pulls her phone out of her pocket. Her hands shake as she keys in the pass code. “He was born on April fourth, about ten days earlier than expected. The pregnancy was good—I was very healthy, and I had a wonderful doctor and lots of support. Although my family was not happy about it, there was really nothing they could do.” She’s still looking down at her phone as she continues to talk, like she just wants to get it all out. “It took me a couple of months to realize I was pregnant when I came home. I’d thought I was lovesick, but then I missed my period two months in a row, and I went to see a doctor, and well . . .” She cradles the phone to her chest. “He’s four months old now.”
I suddenly feel like I’m choking. It’s also like being hit with the most extreme case of déjà vu in the universe. It’s like Sissy part two—except worse, because I spent six weeks with Lainey, screwing on every available surface. We’d used protection. Well, except that once. And it was only for a stroke—one delicious, amazingly memorable stroke. But she got her period the next day, so everything was fine. And it lasted all of three days, so it didn’t slow us down much, if at all. I’m so shocked, and frankly really freaked out, that the first words out of my mouth are “You’re fucking with me, right?”
A little kid runs by, followed by his mother, who shoots me a dirty look. I mutter, “Sorry,” and turn back to Lainey, lowering my voice. “Is this your idea of a joke? If that Walter guy is actually your boyfriend—or, worse, your damn husband—then the last place you should be is with me.” She’s not wearing a ring, and if that baby is four months old, then she—what, moved right the hell on the day I left?
Lainey looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “Kody is yours.”
“How is that even possible? We used condoms every single damn time.” I have to fight to keep my voice down.
“Yes.” She nods in agreement. “Except—”
I railroad right over her. “So how the fuck can it be mine, unless you fished a used condom out of a wastebasket and turkey basted yourself?”
She raises a hand right in my face. “Okay, that is just . . . absolutely disgusting and appalling. It’s also disturbing that you could come up with something so ludicrous without even having to think about it.”
She has a point. Also, it’s something I could see Sissy doing, because she was a certifiable lunatic. And now the woman I thought might be my soul mate is clearly one as well. I should take a vow of celibacy. “What other explanation do you have? Unless I magically inseminated you from across the country,” I snap.
Lainey’s lips thin into a line, and she pins me with a look that makes me feel about two feet tall—which is pretty impressive, considering my mother is the only person who has the power to do that.
“Because we used protection every time except the last time.”
I shake my head. “That’s not—” I filter through the foggy memories from that morning. The phone call that came at 3:00 a.m., my brother’s panic, setting up my flight to LA, and throwing all my stuff in my duffel and starting the truck.
Only when I was ready to leave did I go back upstairs and do the thing I desperately didn’t want to: say goodbye to Lainey. I remember how frantic we were when we realized we’d reached the end sooner than we’d meant to, how intense the sex had been, how it ended far too soon . . . because I hadn’t even thought about a condom.
“But it was only that one time.” I scrub a hand over my face.
“That’s really all it takes. I was fertile, and you’re apparently virile.” Her tone is matter-of-fact, but her voice shakes with anger. “I tried to contact you as soon as I realized. I called every alpaca farm in New York but couldn’t track you down. I even called the cabin, but of course no one ever answered. I had no other way to get in touch with you. Well, I guess if I’d bothered watching anything other than Netflix and documentaries, I might have figured it out.” Lainey grips her phone tightly in her hands, lips pursed as if she’s waiting for another accusation.
If I hadn’t been in such a rush that morning, I would have given her my cell number. Hell, I would’ve given her the whole truth if I’d had the chance. I look at her, really look at her. She’s scared and sad and angry and guarded. My stomach twists and drops. “I have a son?”
She nods, and her chin trembles as she asks, “Would you like to see a picture of him?”
“Yeah. Yes. Please.”
With shaking hands, she punches a code into her phone again. It’s old—a smartphone, but it’s been around for a while. She scrolls through some pictures until she finds one she likes and holds it out so I can see. “Go ahead, take it.” She wraps my hands around the device and slides a little closer, her cheek brushing my arm. “He’s so beautiful.”
I stare at the two-dimensional little face in the screen, looking for . . . I don’t know. Something that reminds me of myself? He’s laughing at the camera, the end of Lainey’s braid cl
utched in his chubby little fist. He has Lainey’s dark hair and her nose, but that smile is all mine, and so is the little dimple popping in his right cheek.
I swallow thickly, reality finally setting in. I consider all the things I missed: her entire pregnancy, his birth, the first four months of his life. She’s been doing this all on her own.
And she’s always been close to her family—even when she was staying with me in Alaska, she called her parents at least twice a week and spent a good hour on the phone with them. So what had happened to make her come all the way here and raise a baby alone? There are so many questions that don’t have answers. Except one: this baby is definitely mine.
“Can I meet him?” I ask.
Lainey bites her lip. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now.”
“You don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to meet my four-month-old son who I didn’t know existed until now?”
“Don’t you want a paternity test or something?” Her fingers go to her lips.
“Well, I might if he didn’t look like me, and yeah, it’s probably a good idea regardless just to make it all official—and I’m pretty sure my agent will insist on it, so we’ll have to set something up—but for now I’d like to meet him.”
Lainey’s eyes are wide, and she’s practically eating her fingernails. I set the phone down and take her hands in mine. “Please, Lainey. Put yourself in my shoes—I’ve already missed out on so much.”
She exhales in a heavy rush. “Let me message Eden.” She quickly types out a text. It only takes a few moments before she gets a response. She holds up the phone. On the screen is a picture of Kody, swaddled in a blanket in a crib, a stuffed teddy bear beside him. “He’s sleeping.”
“That’s okay. I don’t mind if you don’t.”
“I’ll let her know we’re on our way.”
Lainey’s quiet on the way back to her apartment building. I don’t push conversation, even though I have questions. It’s clear she’s already overwhelmed, and I don’t want to make it worse, since it’ll only make her more anxious. When we were in Alaska together, I’d distract her with sex whenever she got nervous. Everything is different, though—she’s different—and now I know why.
I follow her into the apartment building. Thankfully we don’t have to wait long for the elevator. When we get to the eleventh floor, Lainey holds up a hand and peeks out into the hallway. She brings her finger to her lips, signaling that I should be quiet. Then she grabs me by the wrist and pulls me out of the elevator and down the hall. I don’t know why we’re trying to be all stealth like we’re pulling a heist, not going back to her apartment so I can meet my son.
Jesus. I have a son. I’m not sure when that thought alone is going to stop feeling completely surreal.
She roots around in her jacket pocket and quietly retrieves the key. She eases it into the lock and slowly, carefully turns it, grimacing as it clicks. She sucks in a sharp breath and pushes the door open, ushering me in. Her palm lands on my back, urging me forward as she closes the door.
“You wanna—” She slaps her palm over my mouth and makes a shushing motion.
I hold my hands up like I’m being held at gunpoint. After a few breaths she drops her hand and drags me away from the door.
Eden appears in the hallway. The two of them make random hand gestures I don’t understand.
“Can some—” Lainey smacks me on the chest and shushes me again, then drags me across the open living room and pushes me into the galley kitchen. There’s barely enough room for me, let alone Lainey and her friend, in the cramped space.
“Do you think it’s safe for you to leave?” Lainey asks Eden.
“That’s dicey. He already knocked on the door once, and you know he’ll probably be waiting for it to open again, since you just got in.”
“Once you leave, he’ll think the coast is clear.”
“Exactly.”
“Someone wanna fill me in on what’s going on?”
Lainey says, “Nothing,” and Eden says, “Walter.” I’m inclined to believe Eden over Lainey in this case, especially with the look she shoots at Eden.
Eden shrugs and mouths, “Sorry.”
“Is this the guy you were talking to in the lobby?”
Lainey blows out a breath. “Yes.”
“He lives right across the hall from you?” This is not good. Not for me, anyway. As much as he might not look like competition, he clearly has designs on Lainey.
“Yes.”
“What does he do, stand at his door with his eye pressed against the peephole, waiting for you to come home every night? Am I the only one who finds this a little fucking creepy?”
“His living room is right by the door, and the walls are thin.”
“Or maybe he’s just a creepy-ass stalker. I don’t like this.”
Lainey crosses her arms over her chest. “Walter is not creepy or a stalker. He’s nice, and helpful, and kind.”
“So why are you worried about him hearing Eden leave?”
Lainey rubs her temple and gives me a pointed look. “Because he saw me with you, and I’m sure he has questions. I think I have enough going on without having to deal with Walter tonight.”
I arch a brow. “I can deal with Walter.”
“Absolutely not,” Lainey snaps.
“I thought it wasn’t serious.” It better not be serious. The idea incites panic, because if she’s actually into Walter, that means I’m going to have to share my son with some other guy—and I’m not sure I’m cool with that. At all.
Lainey shoots Eden a look. “It’s not . . . it’s complicated, especially with you being here. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and I’m going to have to explain what’s going on, and I’d like to do that without an audience.”
“Should I go? Or . . .” Eden thumbs over her shoulder toward the door and looks between me and Lainey.
Lainey sighs and nods. “Sorry. Yes—thank you so much for watching Kody.”
She hugs her friend, who gives me a look I can’t decipher. I hang back, half in the kitchen, half in the living room, while they whisper talk and Eden puts her shoes on.
The apartment is small but cozy and functional. The walls are a generic cream color and bare, but there are framed photos on the side table beside the gray couch. A basket of baby toys is tucked under it, and a blue blanket is spread out on the floor in front of it. I wonder how long she’s lived here.
Lainey’s expression is set in a cringe as she carefully unlocks and opens the door, ushering Eden out. She doesn’t even have the door closed all the way before there’s a soft knock. She looks over her shoulder at me and makes a waving motion.
I mouth, “Really?” Because clearly she wants me to hide.
I don’t see the point, because he probably already knows I’m here, but she mouths, “Please,” so I do what she wants. For now.
I can hear the low tones of a male voice and Lainey’s soft responses but not the content of their brief conversation. Less than a minute later, the door clicks shut. I step out from my hiding place to find Lainey standing there with her hand still on the doorknob and her fingers at her mouth.
“You okay?” I ask.
She closes her eyes and exhales an unsteady breath, but she nods all the same.
I’m at a loss as to what I should do. I want to offer her some kind of comfort, but I don’t know if it’s at all welcome—or if it’s even appropriate. I decide the situation warrants more than me being silent on the other side of the room.
I cross over to her. “Do you need some safety cuddles?”
She looks up at me, eyes watery, chin trembling.
I open my arms, and after a few uncertain seconds she steps into me, gripping my shirt while she buries her face against my chest. I wrap her up in a hug and absorb the feeling of being close to her like this again, of the way she still seems to fit with me. I drop my head, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. Everything about us just got a shit-ton more co
mplicated, and I’m sure she’s feeling the hard truth of this new reality.
“Is he upset?” I almost choke on the words but manage to get them out without sounding like a dick.
She releases my shirt and steps out of my embrace, smoothing out the fabric with her palms. “He’s confused and concerned. He’s been a good friend.”
I have to remind myself that while I’ve been living the single, mostly celibate life, she’s been raising a baby alone.
She sniffles and pats my chest. “Come. Let me introduce you to Kody.”
She brushes by me, and I follow her down the hall.
“I just moved him to the nursery a few weeks ago, because he got too big for his bassinet.” She pushes open the door and steps into the room.
Unlike the rest of the apartment, the walls have been painted a pale, buttery yellow, and there are decals of mountains and cartoon animals on the wall beside his crib. A mobile of airplanes hangs above it, and in the middle of the airplane-themed sheets, lips parted and eyes closed, is a bundle of baby.
Lainey reaches into the crib and brushes her finger along his cheek. He smacks his little lips, and his hands open and curl back into fists. I stare down at him, so small and new and very clearly mine. I can see it in the shape of his face, the set of his mouth.
“Isn’t he beautiful?” Lainey asks on a whisper.
I nod, unable to find words. I want to ask if I can hold him, but I don’t want to wake him, especially based on how tired she looks. “Does he sleep through the night?”
“Occasionally.” Her smile is soft.
My mind is spinning in a million different directions. “I can help. I’ll help. I know we’ll need the paternity test, but we can have that done right away, and I’ll talk to my agent, and we can figure out exactly how to manage this. My schedule is about to get really busy, but when I’m not traveling for away games, I’ll be here to do this with you. I’ll take care of both of you. I’ll get a nursery set up in my house.”
A Lie for a Lie Page 15
