“No!” Lainey growls in a tone I’ve never heard before.
A hot feeling creeps up my spine. One I’m not sure what to do with. I may not be prepared to be a parent, but if he’s my son, damn right I’m going to do what I can to support and raise him. “I’m his father. I’m responsible for him, just like you are. I take care of what’s mine.”
Lainey moves to stand in front of the crib, protective and possessive. “We don’t need to be taken care of. We’ve made it this far on our own, and I don’t need you coming back into my life and turning it upside down. You’ve already done that once—I won’t let you do it again!”
I open my mouth to argue, but I’m cut off by a shrill, angry cry.
CHAPTER 18
MINE
Lainey
I scoop Kody up and cradle him to my chest. My heart is pounding; anxiety makes my mouth dry and my hands sweaty. “Shhh.” I bounce him gently and pat his bottom while he continues to wail.
“You need to leave,” I tell RJ.
“Come on, Lainey. You can’t keep me out of his life.” I can both see and hear his panic.
It’s echoed in me, likely for very different reasons. “And you can’t come barreling back into mine and think you can take over. That’s not how this works.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not trying to take over. I just want to be part of his life and yours, if you’ll let me.”
The screaming ratchets up a couple more notches, and I worry I won’t be able to get him to settle—and then it’ll be another night of too little sleep. “Can’t you see you’re making us both upset? Please, just go.”
“We need to talk about this. You can’t tell me I’m a father, let me see my son once, and then ask me to walk away.”
He’s right, but I also don’t know how to deal with everything that’s been thrown at me since RJ came slamming back into my universe. He has fame and money—lots of money. Enough that he could fight for Kody. Anxious tears slide down my cheeks, and Kody’s cries get even louder. “Please, you’re only making it worse.” I turn my back on him and shush Kody, whispering brokenly that it’s going to be okay. “Mommy’s right here. I’m right here, shhhh. I’m not going anywhere.” I take deep breaths, willing myself to calm down, to find some perspective.
I should be glad he wants to be part of Kody’s life, but all I have is fear—because I’m struggling in this tiny apartment, and he has a huge house and all kinds of resources that I don’t. I don’t really know him, and he doesn’t know me. We only have six weeks in a bubble, which is nothing like real life. Especially not one filled with diapers and baby vomit and sleepless nights.
Kody’s cries quiet down, and he bumps his nose along my collarbone. I stroke his silky black hair as he hiccups and whimpers. I turn to face RJ, but he’s gone.
At midnight I wake up in Kody’s room. I’m sitting in the glider, one boob hanging out, Kody nestled in my arms. I slowly, carefully adjust my hold on him. My arms have fallen asleep, so I have to wait several minutes before I can transfer him back to the crib.
I tuck his blankets around him, make sure his teddy bear is close, and tiptoe out of the room. I breathe a sigh of relief when he doesn’t wake up. I use the bathroom, pour myself a glass of water, and make sure all the lights are turned off before I head for my bedroom. I pause and root around in my purse for my phone. I could hear it buzzing from Kody’s room when I was feeding him—and apparently fell asleep.
I touch the screen and see I have messages from Eden, Walter, and of course RJ. Eden’s message came through at nine, asking for an update on how things went with the daddy-and-son meet and greet. Walter wants to talk, and RJ . . . well, he’s sent a slew of messages, all of them asking if we’re okay, if Kody has stopped crying, if I have, if I’m ignoring him, and to please, for the love of God, answer this message before he goes insane. That one was sent less than ten minutes ago.
I start and stop composing a message about twenty times. I’m in the middle of typing that we’re both fine and that Kody is asleep when another message pops up from RJ.
RJ: I’ve been watching the little dots for 15 min. RU ok?
Lainey: Yes. Kody is asleep.
RJ: I didn’t mean to upset you.
I stare at the message for a minute before I finally compose a response.
Lainey: I’m just overwhelmed.
RJ: Me too, but we’ll figure it out.
I don’t know how to interpret that, so I end the conversation with good night.
Setting an alarm has become a pointless practice, since Kody wakes up every morning at five fifteen to let me know he’s hungry.
I roll out of bed, more exhausted than I was yesterday, if that’s even possible, and stumble down the hall to his room. “Morning, little man. I have breakfast right here for you.” I already have my boob out and ready to go.
His little fists wave in the air, his mouth opening and closing as I bring him to my breast and settle in the glider. I fall back asleep for as long as he feeds on the right breast. He squawks when he’s ready for the other side. I burp him first, then set the left boob free. I’m already leaking, so he splutters when he first latches, the milk coming too fast.
Once the initial gush and rush slows, he settles in, punctuating sucks with happy grunts. I stroke his hair, and he looks up at me, his blue eyes locked on my face. “Oh, sweet boy, what am I going to do? All these months I’ve been wishing I had some help, and now I’m afraid I have to share you.”
He pops off my breast and makes a loud gurgling sound before he latches back on. I fall asleep again for another fifteen minutes before he lets me know he’s done with breakfast and needs his diaper changed.
The wonderful thing about working at the aquarium is that they help subsidize the cost of day care, and there’s one right inside my building. I’m extra quiet as I leave my apartment, not in the mood to deal with Walter yet, mostly because I have no idea what to say to him.
He’s a good friend, and he’s been so supportive since I moved into the building, but the progression from friends to dating hasn’t been natural. I like him, he’s nice and pleasant to be around, but I don’t crave his affection.
RJ, on the other hand . . . I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to just be held by him. Which is yet another complication. And another reason why he’s right that we need to talk. Maybe he wanted to relive our time together in Alaska when he first ran into me, but now . . . Kody changes everything, for both of us.
I drop Kody off at his day care and head to work. Today is a research day with no interruptions, which I’m grateful for since I don’t have the energy required to deal with the general public.
I head to the lab and find Eden already set up at her computer. Like me, part of her job is to research and help manage the animals, so we often work together. She pushes a take-out cup in my direction and gives me a raised eyebrow. “Can I be optimistic and assume that the bags under your eyes are because you and the hockey hottie spent the night getting biblical with each other?”
“You’re welcome to be optimistic, even if it also makes you very wrong.”
“Uh-oh. What happened?”
I drop down in the chair beside her. “He wants to be involved in Kody’s life.”
Eden pushes her glasses up her nose. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s just . . . what if he wants partial custody? He has bags of money. He can hire a nanny, have someone take care of everything for him if he wants to, and what do I have? This job and a tiny apartment. I’m just . . . scared.”
“But isn’t he, like, still way into you? And you’ve been pining for him for the past year. I mean, you named your son Kodiak, Lainey. I think that pretty much tells everyone where you’re at with this guy.”
“But that was before I knew he was a professional hockey player. You should’ve seen it last night at the coffee shop. There was a swarm of people waiting to take pictures with him and g
et his autograph. And the women were the worst! It didn’t matter if they were teenagers or grandmothers, they practically dry humped him!”
“Can you blame them, though?”
I give her an exasperated look. “How am I supposed to deal with that? He used to be this huge playboy, and I’m sure women are constantly throwing themselves at him. It’s nothing like I thought it would be, and now I’m connected to him for the rest of my life because of Kody. I just wanted a normal life.”
“You had a normal life, Lainey. It was making you miserable.”
“Being homeschooled and getting my degrees by correspondence isn’t normal.”
“What is normal these days? I know this is hard, but he’s going to be part of your life no matter what. You know what I think the real issue is?”
“What?” I mutter into my coffee.
“It’s not that he’s a hockey player—it’s not the lie, which I think you can probably get over. I think it has more to do with being afraid that he’s going to come swooping in and try to take care of you, and you’re going to equate that with losing your independence again.”
“That’s not—”
“True? Are you sure about that, Lainey? We drove across the country when you were seven months pregnant because your parents were smothering you. I’m going to go ahead and say you’re really not keen on anyone trying to take over your life like they tend to.”
“It was pretty extreme, wasn’t it?”
“We can always blame the hormones.”
“And now what do I blame?”
“Hormones and protective mothering instinct. And fear of having your heart broken, because let’s face it, Lainey, even though he didn’t mean to, that’s exactly what he did the first time.”
CHAPTER 19
WOO THE BABY MAMA
Rook
Leaving Lainey’s apartment last night wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. First and foremost, my experience with babies has been limited to my nephew and my teammates’ kids. Sure, I’m good with them. I can make them giggle and smile, but the second they start to cry, I pass them back to their mother and I’m on my way.
Kody is mine.
I made him.
And I’ve had sweet fuck all to do with his mother or him since his conception. So I’m a little out of my depth here.
Also, I know Lainey. As much as she’s changed, I’m aware that she’s the woman I rescued from a thunderstorm. The same one who had never been on a plane before her trip to Alaska. And the woman who’s been through some pretty traumatic stuff and still manages to be sweet, innocent, and a touch naive. But she’s also fierce, strong, and determined. And whatever happened to bring her to Chicago has brought out that strength, which is both sexy and, frankly, really fucking inconvenient.
A year ago she would’ve welcomed me back into her life without batting an eyelash. One heroic rescue attempt would’ve been all that she needed, but now she’s different.
I hit the gym, as one does when there’s stress and preseason training coming up. It’s ten by the time I’m done with my workout. I consider calling my brother, but it’s early on the West Coast, and if there’s half a chance Max is still sleeping, I don’t want to be the reason he wakes up—so I message my sister instead, since she’s an early riser, to see if she’s around to talk. She’s been in LA for her master’s program. She might be younger than me, but she’s female, and she can usually provide perspective I don’t have. Thankfully, she’s awake, so I video chat her.
“Hey, big brother!” Her smile turns into a grimace as my image fills her phone screen. “Whoa, you’re looking rough.”
“Last night wasn’t great,” I admit. The part where I met my son was, but the part where I made both Lainey and Kody cry overshadows that.
“I can tell. You look like a bag of shit, which is saying something, because you could probably go on a four-week bender and not shower once during that time and still manage to look decent—but right now you look like you’ve taken a beatdown by a gaggle of puck bunnies and you did not, in fact, come out on top.”
“Your brain is a weird place, Stevie.”
“You don’t know the half of it.” She props her phone up and leans back in her chair. “So? What happened last night? Oh, wait, weren’t you supposed to try to see Lainey? I’m taking it that didn’t go as well as you hoped.”
I’ve already filled Stevie in on reconnecting with Lainey, my lie, and her response to finding out what I used to be like. “So she agreed to talk to me, but we went to a coffee shop, and I got mobbed.”
Stevie groans and rolls her eyes. “You can’t go to coffee shops when preseason is starting up.”
“I didn’t have a lot of options, and I didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it was. I haven’t been going out much, but the season promo has started, so people are all hyped up, you know? It was worse than usual, but eventually we got out of there . . . anyway, things are a lot more complicated than I expected them to be.” I pour myself a glass of water because my mouth is dry. I’m drained and wound up.
“Complicated how? Why are you so freaking fidgety? Does she have a boyfriend or something?”
“No. Well, she’s been seeing this guy, but I don’t think it’s serious, and I sorta trump him now.”
“Trump him how? Because you’re ridiculously good looking? Spit it out, RJ. You’re antsier than me after a freaking accidental energy drink.”
“So, last night I found out that Lainey has a baby.”
Stevie jerks up, and the phone clatters onto the table, giving me a view of the ceiling fan. Suddenly her face is three inches from the screen and out of focus. “What?” she yells.
“Lainey has a four-month-old baby, and he’s mine.”
Stevie flops back down in the chair, her face a mask of shock. I wonder if that’s what I looked like last night when Lainey told me.
“Holy shit. Are you sure it’s yours?”
“I’m sure. I met him last night, and he looks like me.”
“But . . . what if this is like that crazy chick who pretended to be pregnant with your baby and tagged you on social media for months?” I open my mouth to interrupt, but Stevie’s eyes are wide, and she’s on one of her tangents. “What if this Lainey woman has a type, and you’re it? What if it’s someone else’s baby and she’s trying to pass it off as yours because you’re rolling in money? God, this is like a freaking soap opera. Actually, it’s more like one of those scripted reality shows.”
I level her with an unimpressed glare. “This is super unhelpful—you do realize that?”
“Sorry, sorry.” She raises her hands in the air. “I’m just . . . shocked, I guess? You’re sure the baby is yours?”
“Pretty damn sure, yeah. He has my mouth—and my dimple. There are some very strong family resemblances.”
“Okay. Wow. So I’m an aunt again? Does this mean you two are going to try to make this thing work between you?”
“That’s the thing—she freaked out last night and told me to leave.”
Stevie narrows her eyes. “Why? What did you do?”
“Why do you automatically think it’s something I did?”
“Because you’re a guy, and you’ve never incubated a human life inside your body.”
“Neither have you.”
“Yeah, but I have the ability to, unlike you with your silly dangly parts. So, what happened to make her freak out on you?”
“I don’t really know. She let me see Kody—”
“His name is Kody?”
“Yeah.”
“I love it. Okay, continue.” She crosses her legs and motions for me to go on.
I’m thinking I probably should’ve waited to call my brother for advice, but I continue anyway. “So, she let me come up to her apartment to meet Kody, and when I realized that he’s really mine, I told her I would set up a nursery in my house and that I would take care of them.”
Stevie arches a brow. “I’m sorry, you said what?”
“That I would take care of them. He’s mine as much as he is hers. I’ve already missed out on the first four months of his life. I’m not going to miss out on any more of it.”
“Did you happen to say that to her as well?”
“Yeah, of course. I have every right to be part of his life. I have all the resources to take care of him. Of both of them.”
Stevie gives me her you’re an idiot face.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
She sighs and shakes her head. It’s annoying that I can’t force her to explain faster. “Listen to what you’re saying, RJ. This woman has gone through an entire pregnancy on her own. She’s spent the last four months raising a baby—on her own. You come swooping back into her life, she finds out that you lied about who you are and also finds out that you have ass loads of money. The second you find out that you made a baby with her, you essentially try to take over her entire world.”
“I’m not trying to take over anything. I know I fucked up. I shouldn’t have lied, and it’s my fault that I’ve missed out, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to be part of their lives.”
“It’s not unreasonable at all, but what you’re saying and what she’s hearing are probably two very different things.”
“I don’t get it.”
Stevie nods, like she expected as much. “So, you know how after Max was born no one could hold him for more than like five seconds before Joy wanted him back?”
“Uh, yeah, but I don’t see what—”
“The mothering instinct is strong. She barely put him down for the first week, and even Kyle could only hold him for a few minutes. I’m guessing—and this is just a guess, but I think it’s a pretty solid one—that Lainey’s terrified that you’re going to try to take her baby away from her.”
“Why would she think that?”
“Because you have an insane amount of money and you’re planning to put a nursery in your house. It’s all in the delivery, RJ.”
A Lie for a Lie Page 16
