Big Night Out

by Tara McCarthy

  “But I thought.…”

  “I’m just beat. I’d love to do something sometime, though. Give me a call, okay?” She reaches into her bag and takes out a piece of paper and a pen, then writes down a number.

  “I will call.” You look at her very seriously as you take the number.

  “Okay, I’ll talk to you soon then.” She kisses you on the cheek and leaves.

  You stride over to Mike and Will and brag that you got Sadie’s digits. You hold up the piece of paper to show them.

  “Hang on a minute.” Will takes the paper from your hand. “This is the number Tracy gave me when I first met her; I’ll never forget it. It’s one of those joke lines that some radio station set up. The idea is to lure men into leaving dumb messages for women who have no interest in them. I called and left a message for Tracy, and when she heard it being played on the radio the following week she felt so bad about how badly the DJs were making fun of me that she decided to track me down. You’ve just had a fast one pulled on you, buddy.”

  Mortified, you make your excuses, then leave. You spend the entire cab ride home composing the message you’ll leave on the fake line. By the time you fall asleep that night you know it’ll have something to do with Sadie’s overwhelming desire to have you defecate on her—oh yeah, and it’ll definitely include her last name. You’ll have to find that out in the morning.…

  The End

  “Screw this,” you say. “I’m coming with you.”

  After securing way more food than you need and more movies than you can watch in a night, you and Dave head back to his place and settle in, Sadie the farthest thing from your mind. Well, maybe the quadratic formula or the gross national product of any number of South American countries is farther from your mind. But, to your surprise, after a couple of dumplings, an egg roll, some moo goo gai pan, and the first movie Dave put on, you’re hankering for true love again. Or at the very least, a Dewars on the rocks. Dave made you watch Swingers for the umpteenth time.

  Not prepared to sit through Clerks again, you decide to take off.

  When you get out of a cab in front of your apartment you find your roommate sitting on the front stoop in tears.

  “What’s wrong?” You rush to her and scoop her up in your arms.

  “Nothing.” She’s sniffling and trying to hide her tears. “Everything. I’m locked out.”

  “Come on.” You take her by the hand and open the front door, then the door leading to your apartment. The two of you fall onto the couch and you put your arm around her. “Now tell me everything that happened.”

  She looks up at you, her chin trembling. “I don’t want to. Will you just sit here for a while and hold me?”

  “Of course I will. As long as you like.” And we all know what that means! You’re going to get lucky after all!

  Sure enough, before long she starts caressing your hand. You can smell the alcohol on her and know she’s had too much to drink. Maybe you shouldn’t take advantage of the circumstances this way.

  Just then she leans her head on your shoulder and you can feel her breath on your neck. You’re not sure whether she’s doing this intentionally, but when her fingers link with yours, you think maybe she is. From where you’re sitting—and because of the strange position she’s in—you can see right down her top, her breasts pushed together by a black lace bra. Something in your pants stirs, and she notices. She must. Because she gets up, still holding your hand, and says, “My room or yours?”

  You shake your head, and she looks as if she’s going to start crying all over again.

  Then you get up and pull her toward you. “Right here on the living-room floor.”

  She laughs as the two of you topple to the ground.

  The End

  You go back inside, grab another beer, and find Sadie, who’s looking troubled.

  “He okay?”

  “Yeah.” You wince as you nearly rip your hand open on a beer bottle that’s not a twist-off.

  “Here,” Sadie offers her key chain. How cool is that?!

  “Thanks.” You open the beer and hand it back. “He’s gonna be fine. How about you, you heartbreaker?”

  “Oh, stop it.” She hits you gently on the chest. “I’m not a heartbreaker.”

  “Oh come on. A girl like you…” You take a swig of your beer and let her complete the sentence herself …

  You spend the next half an hour flirting, and then the party starts to break up. Out on the sidewalk, you ask Sadie for her number. “I’m so embarrassed,” she says, with a smile. “We just got a new number and I don’t know it. But I’m just around the corner if you want to walk me home. I can give it to you then.”

  “Ooooh,” you say, not buying it for a second. “That’s goooood.”

  “You think?” Sadie starts walking, and you follow. “I’ve been working on that one for the last half hour.”

  You walk in comfortable silence to her apartment. She shushes you when you get inside—she must have a roommate—and leads the way to her bedroom in the dark. You start kissing awkwardly, hitting teeth and getting your tongue bitten. Then Sadie undoes your belt and your pants and goes to touch you, poking your most sensitive part with her nails.

  “Ow,” you practically scream, grabbing her hand. “Careful,” you whisper.

  “Sorry,” she says, but then she does it again, her fingernails digging into your balls.

  The next five minutes prove that Sadie is by far the worst lover you’ve ever encountered. Unable to proceed any further for fear of accidental castration, you tell her you should go, that you really like her and want to take things slow. You get ready to leave and purposely don’t ask for her phone number. The next time you see her she throws a drink in your face and laughs the wickedest laugh you’ve ever heard.

  The End

  “Let’s do it,” you say.

  “Not here, though.” Elizabeth starts to ferret around for her jacket. “There’s a hotel a few blocks away.”

  You walk to the hotel in silence; this all seems so surreal. You think about starting a conversation to fill the silence, but what do you say to two people you know you’re about to get naked with? “Seen any good movies lately?” just won’t cut it.

  At the hotel—a bare-bones establishment, no surprise—the desk clerk gives you all a funny look. You feel terribly self-conscious, but the momentum of the event has swept you up. There’s no way you’re not going through with this now that you’ve come this far.

  Inside the room, Mike and Elizabeth start kissing, and she strips his shirt off. You’re looking for an in, but you’re not quite sure how these things work. Then, when Elizabeth drops to her knees, undoes Mike’s pants, and goes to work, you step up to the plate. You grab Mike and plant a deep, wet kiss on his mouth as he starts to take your shirt off. When he manages to undo your pants, Elizabeth starts to pump you both. Unsatisfied with manual stimulation, Mike pulls her up.

  “Where do you want us?” he asks.

  “Where don’t I want you?” she counters with a sultry smile. “But for starters, I want both of you in me at the same time. Then I want to watch you two.”

  As if by magic, Mike produces two condoms, hands one to you, and throws the rest of a pack on the bed. The two of you get to work on Elizabeth, taking turns in front and back. After the next few hours, you’re sure that when Mike and Elizabeth were kids and played with that toy where you’re supposed to fit different-sized blocks into differently shaped holes they were the types of kids who just jammed things in wherever they saw fit.

  When you wake up with a pounding headache at 6 A.M. and see Mike and Elizabeth in the king-sized bed with you, you decide to leave and avoid an awkward morning scene times two.

  Out on the street, squinting in the daylight and searching for a cab, you’re a sight to behold. Your hair’s a mess, your clothes bear a strong resemblance to an elephant’s hide, and your face is chaffed from Mike’s stubble. Your skin smells like it’s been marinating in sex overnight
. To your horror, you hear someone calling your name.

  You turn and see it’s your supervisor from work, apparently cooling down after a morning run. “What happened to you?”

  The happy, healthy voice sends daggers through your brain.

  “You look like hell. Let me buy you breakfast; you can tell me about it.”

  The End

  “Let’s do it,” you say.

  “Not here, though.” Elizabeth starts to ferret around for her jacket. “There’s a hotel a few blocks away.”

  You walk to the hotel in silence; this all seems so surreal. You think about starting a conversation to fill the silence, but what do you say to two people you know you’re about to get down and dirty with? “Sure is nice weather we’re having” just won’t cut it.

  At the hotel—a sleazy little joint with hourly rates—the desk clerk seems to smile knowingly. You feel terribly self-conscious, but the momentum of the event has swept you up. There’s no way you’re not going through with this now that you’ve come this far.

  Inside the room, Elizabeth goes to the bathroom, and you whisper to Mike, “Hey listen, no offense, man, but I’m not really into doing anything with you. That cool?”

  “Yeah.” Mike looks relieved. “I feel the same way. This is pretty fucked up, huh?”

  “Sure is.”

  “But what the hell, right?”

  “What the hell” is right!

  Elizabeth seems to be taking a long time in the bathroom, so you follow Mike’s lead when he starts to undress. The two of you are down to your boxers, your poles erect, when Elizabeth finally comes out.

  “I can’t go through with it,” she says, avoiding eye contact. “But you guys feel free to use the room.” She leaves before either you or Mike can object.

  The two of you decide to watch some pay-per-view porn and take your places on different beds. At different points, you each slip under the covers to pleasure yourself. When the movie’s over, you both dress and head for home without a word.

  The End

  In response to the horrified look that forms on Elizabeth’s face when she thinks you’re really going to go ahead with this, you say, “God, Mike, I was just kidding. Grow up, will you?”

  You adjust your pants and walk out of the room, shaking your head at Mike’s idiocy for Elizabeth’s benefit. She falls for it—big time—and comes out after you. She grabs you by the hand and presses up against you. “Take me home with you now.”

  If you silently lead her out of the room and take her home, read on here.

  If you say, “I’m not that kind of guy,” because you want to make Elizabeth work for it since she came so close to being with Mike, read on here.

  Before long, you and Mike both have your dicks hanging out of your pants, Elizabeth left by default in the awkward position of judge. To her obvious dismay—not to mention yours—a comparison of packages reveals yours to have more in common with a padded Jiffy envelope than anything. Mike’s sporting a nice firm package—a sturdy, hard cardboard box, if you will.

  “Hey,” Elizabeth says to you. “Look over there.” She nods her chin toward the wall behind you, and you turn.

  There, among four or five photographs hanging on the wall, you see a landscape shot. It strikes you as the most beautiful nature photograph you’ve ever seen. What an absolutely splendidly gorgeous photograph of … a lake! You take a good hard look at it, then look back at Elizabeth, who undoubtedly has a glimmer in her eye. You feel your member stiffen.

  Mike takes one look at you and takes off, buttoning his pants up on the way out.

  “Talk about rising to the challenge,” Elizabeth says, once Mike’s gone.

  “Couldn’t have done it without you,” you say as you start to button yourself up. “How’d you know that’d do the trick?”

  “It was a long shot, but I had a boyfriend whose first real sexual experience was in a movie theater. I think I knew we were through when I kept wanting to just wait for the video.” She steps forward and stops the movement of your hands with hers. “What are you doing that for?”

  She starts to re-unbutton your pants as the two of you fall onto the heap of jackets on the floor.

  “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” she whispers in your ear. And you’re sure she’s said those words to you before.

  “Well, get working, babe,” you say. “You’ve already seen the goods.”

  “I sure have. You haven’t changed a bit.”

  “Not even a little?”

  “Well, not as much as I have.” She whips off her slip dress in one swift motion.

  “So I see,” you say, once you catch your breath. Your hands reach out to pull her toward you. “And thank god for that.”

  The End

  You take Elizabeth’s hand and head for the door. She’s just too gorgeous to refuse; you’re going to see that luscious black hair cascading over her bare breasts tonight if it’s the last thing you do. And you’ve got a feeling it won’t be the last thing you do, wink wink.

  As you leave, you walk right past Sadie, who’s talking to a few girls, all of whom give you dirty looks. Yes, this is a terrible risk, but you’re taking it!

  Back at your place you and Elizabeth waste no time getting down to it. It is by far the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. She’s insatiable, in the best of all possible ways; she’s more interested in your satisfaction than in hers, perhaps because hers comes so easily, at least when with a master such as yourself. She basically tells you as much.

  In the middle of round four or five—you stud, you—Elizabeth is screaming in ecstasy. Your roommate pounds on the door and yells, “People are trying to get some sleep around here.”

  You and Elizabeth finish off more loudly and elaborately than before, getting off on the fact that someone’s listening. Then you collapse into a sweaty heap of giggles and fall asleep. Could it be you’ve met your match?

  The End

  You tell Elizabeth and Mike that you want no part of such depravity, then head out to join the party and look for Sadie. You start talking to her, and when she asks about your friend Elizabeth, you’re drunk enough that you tell her about the offer Elizabeth and Mike made earlier. You go on at some length about how completely offensive the idea is to you and how sex is supposed to be a cherished act between two people who really care for each other. You figure a girl like Sadie’s going to lap that stuff up.

  Well, think again.

  “God, you’re uptight,” she says, before disappearing down the hall—no, could it really be? In search of Elizabeth and Mike?

  The End

  Elizabeth’s entire body tenses. “Oh, and you think I’m that kind of girl?”

  You immediately feel the need to back off lest your chances be ruined. “Actually, I was hoping you were.”

  “Well, good. Because I am.”

  “You want to be that kind of girl at my place?”

  “Let’s go to mine. I only live a few blocks away.” She brushes her lips against your neck. “I think you’ll like it there, bad boy.”

  You don’t know what that’s all about, but you’re going anyway.

  Not half an hour later, you find yourself in handcuffs with a hood over your head. You’re being tickled with a feather, and while at first you were nervous, you’re starting to get into it. Then you suddenly realize that there’s got to be more than one person doing what’s being done to you. There are now too many hands and tools involved.

  “Elizabeth?”

  “Yes?”

  “Is there someone else here?”

  “Oh, no, Eliza”—you don’t recognize that voice—“he’s onto us.”

  “You know what that means…,” Elizabeth says.

  “I certainly do,” the other woman says.

  “What? What does it mean?” You nervously try to move so you can take off your hood or at least protect your privates. Somehow. You don’t quite know how. No approach seems to work.

  “It means you
need to be punished for being such a nosy boy and having to know who else is here.”

  “How? How are you going to punish me?”

  “What do you think, Eliza?” You struggle as two unbelievably strong women manage to tie cuff your ankles, your legs spread. “The whip?”

  “To start with, sure. But hold on a minute while I reload the camcorder. And take that hood off him, will you?”

  The End

  “Hey,” you say. Great opener.

  “Hey,” Sadie says back. See how well-suited you are for one another! “I didn’t know you were going to be here,” she says, and you think you sense she’s pleasantly surprised.

  “Yeah, well,” you begin, playing it supercool, “I ran into Mike and those guys and they asked if I wanted to tag along.” Ha! If she only knew the lengths you’d gone to, she’d, well, if she had any sense at all, she’d run away and hide.

  You step into the apartment where the party is and it’s unbearably loud. You want to continue talking—you feel like you’re on a roll—so you devise a plan. Only Sadie beats you to it.…

  “You want to check out the roof?” she says. “There’s supposed to be an amazing view, and it’s kind of loud in here.”

  “Sure,” you say. “Let me grab a beer. You want one?”

  “Sure,” she says.

  You return with two Rolling Rocks and follow Sadie to the door.

  “I’m not really in a party mood tonight,” she confesses.

  “Why? What’s wrong?” You’re such the sensitive man of the nineties!

  “It’s stupid,” she says as she opens the door to the roof, where a few other partygoers are spread out in small clusters. “I’d be embarrassed to tell you.”

  “Don’t be silly.”

  “You promise you won’t laugh?”

  “Promise.”

  “Well, I went out on a date last night with this guy I met on-line. We’d been talking to each other for months and I really liked him. But it was a total disaster last night. It makes me want to just become a hermit or something.”