Lessons in Love

by Victoria Sinclair

  But Sonya was adamant, and Emily finally agreed against her better judgement.

  Fortunately, or perhaps not-so-fortunately, James had a similar plan in mind for Nicholas, although neither would let on what they were getting up to. However, knowing Nicholas as she did, she didn’t think they’d get up to too much trouble, and Nicholas hastened to assure her that it would be a fairly quiet night.

  When the evening finally did roll around, however, Emily was in a far better frame of mind. They were catching up with several old friends, a few of whom Emily had only seen a couple of times since high school.

  ‘OK, I’m glad I came,’ she confessed to Sonya after the show.

  ‘Good. I knew you would be. You need to have some fun before the wedding. Not that you won’t,’ she continued cheekily, ‘have fun afterwards!’ The two women both laughed, but only Emily knew how bittersweet her laugher really was. Sonya, as usual, sensed something wrong and questioned her about it.

  ‘Nothing’s wrong! I’m fine,’ she replied, in an artificially bright voice. Sonya raised her eyebrows.

  ‘Don’t give me that, girl! I know you all too well. If you’re worried about Nicholas, don’t be. He’s a man with his head screwed on straight, and not only that, he’s crazy about you. You do realise that, don’t you?’

  ‘Whatever you say Sonya,’ Emily replied in resignation, giving her friend a half smile. Sonya looked deeply at her for a moment.

  ‘Trust a little, Hun. Now get on home and get some sleep.’

  ‘You too.’ Emily smiled at her friend in gratitude. Sonya always said the right thing, whether or not her words were accurate was irrelevant, they helped for now.

  Emily fell into bed dog tired, her eyes smarting from the smoke that had filled the hall. The show had been a bit of a laugh and it had been great seeing all her old friends together again before the wedding, but she couldn’t help wondering what Nicholas and his friends had been up to, and if he’d thought of her at all.

  Chapter Eleven

  Emily woke, smiling wryly at her memories of the night before, before sitting up abruptly as she realised it was the day before her wedding. And the day of her ultrasound. She should have been excited by the procedure ahead, but all she could feel was a cold dread in the pit of her stomach. She felt slightly nauseous as she stood under the shower, and washed away the smoky smell that still clung to her hair. She tried to reassure herself that everything would be fine, but somehow she couldn’t. If only Nicholas were going to be there!

  She was supposed to drink six hundred millilitres of water two hours before the procedure, and at precisely the right time downed the fluid, wondering how on earth she was supposed to keep it inside her for that long.

  ‘Is it OK if I go to Rebecca’s house?’ Veronica asked her several minutes later. Her sister was already dressed and ready to go, and Emily grinned at her.

  ‘Sure. Just don’t break any bones this time!’ Rebecca was one of two friends who had been present when Veronica had broken her arm, and her sister had the grace to blush slightly, grimacing as she did so.

  ‘I promise. I am not going to be in a cast tomorrow! I can’t wait to try the dress on again. When are you picking them up?’

  ‘Soon,’ she replied, laughing at her sister’s enthusiasm. ‘I promise it’ll be here when you come home. But you’re to try it on once then put it away neatly until tomorrow afternoon. I will not see it getting wrecked!’ Emily said mock seriously. Veronica poked her tongue out, and Emily swatted her playfully.

  Hot on his sister’s heels, Steven arrived, announcing his intention to visit his friends Mike and Anthony who were going to the park to play football. Emily sighed and gave him the same command as she’d given Veronica. The last thing she needed was a football injury to deal with!

  ‘I won’t forget the wedding tomorrow, Emily,’ he said with a grin. ‘And I promise I won’t do myself an injury. At least,’ he shrugged, ‘not a serious one, anyway.’ She swatted him gently as he passed by and he laughed good-humouredly.

  Her brother and sister were out of the house before eight-thirty, and meanwhile, Emily’s bladder felt fit to burst. There was no way she could hold on for another hour! Exercising common sense, and obeying her pain receptors, she relieved herself before having another drink fifteen minutes later.

  Even so, by the time she was sitting in the waiting room, she had to cross her legs. She picked up an old Reader’s Digest, and attempted to read an article, but with the pressure on her bladder and her stress about the procedure ahead, she couldn’t concentrate on the words.

  Finally she was called in, and the technician prepared her for the ultrasound. She moved the probe across Emily’s stomach with a frown on her face, then moved it around some more, all the while frowning.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Emily asked, her heart thumping. She could see the screen above her bed, and so far had seen nothing which even resembled a baby. ‘Where’s my baby?’ She knew her voice was desperate, but couldn’t help it. The doctor had said everything was fine…

  ‘I’m afraid there is no baby,’ the woman said gently, looking at Emily with eyes filled with sympathy.

  ‘W…what do you mean? I…I took tests. The doctor confirmed it…’

  ‘I’m terribly sorry, Ms Peterson. I’ll send the radiologist in and he’ll be able to explain it to you.’ The technician smiled gently at her before leaving her alone in the room, feeling as if her whole world had collapsed.

  The radiologist entered several moments later. ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked kindly.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said, attempting a smile and failing miserably.

  ‘It’s OK to admit you’re upset,’ he said. ‘I’ve seen this sort of thing happen before, and it’s never pleasant. I’ll just take a quick look, and explain what’s going on.’ He placed the probe on her abdomen again, moving it around as he spoke. ‘It looks like what’s happened is that you’ve had a blighted ovum. You see, a small placental sac is evident, but there’s no sign of a baby within it.’

  ‘I don’t understand. Have I had a miscarriage?’ Wouldn’t she have felt something if she had?

  ‘Not exactly. A blighted ovum is an ovum which gets fertilised and implants in the uterine wall, but which doesn’t develop into a baby. However, the body still thinks it’s pregnant and will produce pregnancy hormones, meaning you won’t menstruate. Many spontaneous abortions, especially in the early weeks, are the result of blighted ova. However the body sometimes won’t reject it until later. Your doctor will be able to explain things better than me.’ Emily shook her head mutely, fighting back the hot tears that formed behind her eyelids. She wasn’t pregnant! She had never really been pregnant. All this time…the planning…the wedding…her hopes and dreams…had been for nothing. She fought back a sob, and forced herself to remain calm. Once she was out of here she could allow her emotions full rein, but until then she had to remain strong.

  After a few more placatory comments, which did little to help her frame of mind, the radiologist gave her stomach a quick wipe down, and directed her to the toilet.

  On shaky legs, Emily climbed off the table, and walked away on dead feet. Suddenly nothing seemed to matter except getting home and being alone. She dressed mechanically and drove home the same way, only allowing herself to vent her emotions once she’d stepped through the front door into her empty house.

  Collapsing in a heap on the bed, she burst into tears and cried until she could cry no more. Completely drained, a new emotion came to the fore: anger. Anger which was all directed at Nicholas. Why hadn’t he been there for her? Why wasn’t he here for her now, reassuring her, helping her in her time of need? It had been his baby too, not just hers, and she shouldn’t have had to face this alone! But when she pictured his face, how happy he’d been at the prospect of fatherhood, she sunk down on the couch and dissolved in a new wave of tears. All cried out, she finally crawled into bed to sleep the rest of the day away, only emerging when Veronica called out to
her, asking about the dresses.

  Emily sighed and sat up, as the events of the morning came washing back over her. She walked into the en suite and splashed cold water on her face, noticing her wan complexion, puffy eyelids, and ring of smudged mascara around each eye.

  ‘Emily!’ her sister called again, louder this time.

  ‘Coming Veronica,’ she snapped in return, and did her best to appear normal, although she was feeling anything but.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ The worry in Veronica’s voice was genuine, and Emily knew she hadn’t been able to mask her feelings.

  ‘I’m not pregnant,’ she stated bluntly. Veronica’s mouth dropped open.

  ‘What? How?’ Emily took a deep breath.

  ‘Sit down and I’ll explain.’ She followed her sister to the kitchen table, and sank gratefully into one of the chairs herself, as she explained what she’d been told that morning.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Emily! What did Nicholas say?’ Emily’s heart sank and her stomach contracted. She should have contacted him earlier, but hadn’t had the heart to do so.

  ‘I…I haven’t told him yet.’

  ‘You haven’t told him? But you have to! He was so happy about the baby!’ And then, realising what she’d just said, Veronica shut her mouth with a snap. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out that way.’ Emily smiled sadly at her sister.

  ‘I know, Verri. I know. I’ll call him now. We have a lot to discuss.’

  ‘In that case, I’ll leave you to it. But…ah…what about the dress? We’ll still need it, won’t we?’ There was a hint of desperation in Veronica’s voice, and Emily hated that she had to disappoint her. But the truth was, now that there wasn’t going to be a baby, there was no reason for there to be a wedding either. She shook her head gently.

  ‘But…’ Emily held up a hand to cut her off.

  ‘No buts. I’m going to call Nicholas.’ Veronica bit her lip, looking as if she wanted to say more, but she turned away. She dialled Nicholas’s number with shaky fingers, hoping he was home.

  ‘What’s up?’ he asked cheerfully. ‘How did the ultrasound go?’ Her heart sank with his words. It was so typical that he’d remembered it now, when he hadn’t mentioned it at all since the day she’d told him about it.

  ‘It didn’t go well Nicholas. I’m not pregnant.’ There was a dramatic pause before he answered, and she bit her lip, tension consuming her.

  ‘What do you mean? How can you not be pregnant?’

  ‘It was a blighted ovum.’ She quickly explained the term, and allowed a few moments for him to digest the information before continuing. ‘So, I think it’s best we call the wedding off,’ she blurted.

  ‘What? What!’ he blustered furiously. ‘Call it off? But the wedding’s tomorrow, Emily! We’ve got people travelling from all over the country to be here!’ Emily frowned in anger. Was that all he cared about? That people were travelling to be at their wedding?

  ‘That’s hardly a reason to go through with this farce is it?’ she spat out angrily. Silence greeted her. ‘Well is it?’ she demanded.

  ‘No. It isn’t. If that’s the way you feel, I’ll call my friends and relatives straight away, and suggest you’ll do the same. I doubt we’ll get our deposit back on Charleton House, or on the hire suits, but I’m sure you’ll get a refund on the dresses.’ And the receiver went dead in her hand. Fury consumed her as she contemplated the offending object, wishing she’d pre-empted him and slammed it down in his ear! How could he be so cold? Didn’t he know how she’d suffered? How devastated she felt by the loss of their child?

  Emily sunk back in her chair, dreading the calls she had to make. Perhaps Sonya could make them for her. It seemed a cowardly option, but the last thing she wanted to do was explain to all their guests why there wasn’t going to be a wedding. She dialled her friend’s number half-heartedly.

  ‘Sonya?’

  ‘Emily? What’s up? Is everything all right?’ Emily gave a small smile. It always amazed her how her friend could detect so much from just one word.

  ‘No. It’s not. I’m not getting married.’ There was no point beating about the bush.

  ‘What? You have to! Emily…’

  ‘Sonya, I’m not pregnant. There’s no point.’ And for the third time that day she went through the explanation, which never seemed to get any easier.

  ‘Oh, God, darling. I’m so sorry! That’s dreadful. But, Emily?’ Her tone was tentative, and Emily frowned, knowing what was coming.

  ‘Yes Sonya,’ she said with a deep sigh.

  ‘Why have you called the wedding off? I know how upset you must be. Remember, I had a miscarriage first time, too. I was devastated. But then we conceived Paul…It will be hard, but perhaps a wedding will get your mind off it.’

  ‘I don’t think you understand, Sonya. Don’t you see? The only reason Nicholas proposed was because of the baby.’

  ‘Maybe so, but he certainly doesn’t regret that proposal. He loves you Emily, as much as you love him. I know he does!’ Emily shook her head abruptly, her friend’s words meaningless to her ears.

  ‘No. He doesn’t even care!’ she wailed, and couldn’t stop the rush of tears as they filled her eyes, spilling over and down her cheeks as she remembered his harsh tone and the way he’d hung up on her. ‘All he cared about was the inconvenience to our guests!’

  ‘But…’

  ‘No Sonya! Don’t say another word. But please, please do me one favour. Just one.’

  ‘Anything, Em.’ Sonya’s voice was resigned.

  ‘Could you make the calls for me? I can’t bear the thought of going through this again. Especially to people who don’t know why we were getting married in the first place. What could I say?’

  ‘I understand. I’ll make the calls. I’ve got a copy of the guest list and their numbers. Don’t worry. Just have a nice cup of tea and relax. I’ll come around to see you later tonight.’ But suddenly Emily didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t even want to be here! A furious feeling of anxiousness pervaded her, the need to do something…anything…rather than sit around at home moping. ‘No. Wait, Sonya!’ An idea, a crazy idea, formed in her mind. ‘Can I borrow the beach house? Just me and the kids. I need to get away for a couple of days, or I’ll go crazy!’

  ‘Are you sure you’re fit to drive?’

  ‘I’m fine!’ she protested angrily. ‘You know I’d never drive unsafely with the kids in the car. Please, Sonya. I need to do this. A couple of nights away and I’ll be fine. I just don’t want to be here any longer.’ Her friend was silent for a moment, before reluctantly agreeing.

  ‘I’ll give you the keys. Just look after yourself, Em. For me?’

  ‘I’ll do that Sonya. And thank you. I knew you’d understand.’ But her friend’s silence told Emily all too clearly that she didn’t understand at all.

  Steven arrived home soon after, and without long winded explanations Emily told him what was going on. He made to protest, but she held up a hand to silence him.

  ‘Pack a bag and get ready. We’re leaving in ten minutes,’ she said forcefully, brooking no argument from him. Veronica was only too anxious to get her own bags packed, afraid of provoking Emily’s ire.

  But Emily was calm now. As calm as she’d ever been. She knew exactly what she was doing and why she was doing it.

  The drive to Sonya’s was swift, and although it was obvious to Emily that her friend wanted to talk, Emily brushed her off apologetically. ‘Don’t try and convince me not to do this Sonya, because you’ll be wasting your breath.’ Sonya sighed in unhappy resignation and gave Emily the key to the beach house.

  ‘Remember to turn the hot water on. And there’s a wood pile out the back for the fire.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ Emily said, smiling reassuringly. ‘I know where everything is, and if I’ve got a problem, I’ll call. I Promise.’

  ‘Have a safe drive, Emily.’

  ‘I will Sonya. And thanks. For everything.’

  They drove in sil
ence. Veronica and Steven spoke occasionally to each other, but both seemed to realise that Emily wasn’t in the mood for conversation.

  When they finally pulled up in front of the beach house, Emily gave a big sigh and smiled sadly, remembering the last time they’d visited, when she’d realised that she had to marry Nicholas for the baby’s sake. How quickly those weeks had gone by, and how much things had changed since then!

  It was upon opening the door and stepping inside, that Emily remembered all the effort they’d gone into over the past few weeks, packing their possessions and delivering them to Nicholas’s house, the house they were all supposed to have been moving into tomorrow. The last thing she wanted was to go and collect everything, and unpack again in her own small house. The kids must be devastated, she realised, knowing how much they’d been looking forward to moving into the big house with her and Nicholas. Well, it wasn’t to be. They’d been happy before they’d ever met Nicholas, and they’d be happy without him, she vowed.

  Until then, she had no time for men! She had work and her study to remember. She could go back to focussing on those goals now, the goals she’d had for so long. But now, somehow, everything seemed bleaker. Her ambitions no longer served to fire her up and motivate her. Thoughts of her dreams only made her feel lonely and bereft.

  Without being asked, Steven lit a fire and Veronica hunted through the cupboards for something to eat. Whatever they used, Emily would replace tomorrow after a visit to the shops, now she didn’t have the energy or the inclination. Besides, she was starved. She hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and her hunger returned with a vengeance.

  They found tinned vegetable soup and some frozen bread, and Emily ate with more appetite than she’d expected. Then the two adolescents turned the TV on and settled down to watch, while Emily perused the single bookshelf, hoping there’d be something she could read.