My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  I looked at the number and punched it into my phone. “Thanks, Lise.”

  “Us hot law majors gotta stick together. The rest of them look like trolls.”

  I laughed with her, but hated that she included me in her mean-girl mentality.

  Brian was stoked that I was able to start Friday. He actually used that word.

  I sat on the couch, doing homework and watching another episode of Downton Abbey when Danny came in. He gave me a look. “You’re not watching the performance?”

  I looked at the clock and shrugged. “It’s recording.” I had been avoiding it. Loch did bad things to my self-control without the singing. Adding it was like putting gas on a fire.

  Danny grabbed the remote and changed it to the show. It was obviously cool in the streets where the stage was. I could see Gerry’s breath when the cameras went to him.

  My skin shivered, hearing Lochlan’s voice. When the camera landed on him, my heart skipped a few beats. I couldn’t breathe. He was rocking it, as always. He held the microphone in his left hand and hopped with his right hand in the air. He kicked with the drums and bent down toward the crowd. He pointed at someone up front, winking and grinning.

  I felt sick, but I couldn’t look away. He was my own personal train wreck.

  He finished the song and shouted into the microphone. “We want to thank y’all for having us. Big shout out to Boston and the amazing folks there for helping us get to where we are. And I personally want to shout out to North Dakota, the state that holds my heart! Goodnight, Detroit!”

  The crowd erupted.

  “He says that North Dakota thing every night now,” Danny muttered.

  I nodded. “Great.”

  Lochlan waved and walked off the stage. The camera zoomed in on him. The broadcasters were talking, but I just watched as he pulled his phone out.

  ‘You having a good night?’ Instantly, I got the text I had just watched him send.

  I smiled when I saw it.

  ‘Yup!’

  A different band walked onto the stage and the crowd started back up again.

  ‘I have some good news!’

  I smiled, ‘What?’

  ‘Gonna call. That cool?’

  ‘Yup.’

  I answered on the first ring. “Hey.”

  He laughed. “I can hear the show in the phone—you’re watching it?”

  I took a deep breath, like hearing his voice made that possible.

  “Erin?”

  I opened my eyes, smiling. “Yep. You guys were amazing, as always.”

  It got quiet where he was suddenly. “We got invited to do a couple of the night shows in New York City in November, just before Thanksgiving.”

  My jaw dropped. “Oh my God. Congratulations.”

  “Thank you. Can I see you Friday night? We could hang out, like before? Maybe go to dinner?”

  I ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t. I have to work.”

  His voice sounded panicked. “You got a job?”

  “Yeah. My friend Lise got me one at that bar where you guys always play on Fridays. I start there this Friday.”

  He didn’t talk. I pulled the phone from my face, checking for a signal. “Hello?”

  He sounded pissed. “You can’t work there. Brian is a pig and tries to sleep with every chick that works there. He’s famous for his job interview.”

  I scowled. “I already have the job. I don’t need an interview. And you work there, don’t you? What do you care?”

  His tone didn’t improve. “You can’t work there.”

  I sighed. “Okay, well, we can talk about it when you get home on Friday.” I hated that I was on thin ice with him for the sake of Thin Ice. If I rocked the boat, he’d trash a hotel room or beat someone up. God only knew.

  “I’ll be home tonight.”

  I sighed. “You have shit to do. Stop being a pain in the ass. How’s this? I won’t work a shift until you speak to Brian and assure him I am to be left to work and not hit on.”

  He paused again. “Deal.”

  Another deal.

  “I am looking out for you.”

  I licked my lips. “I know.” I knew he thought he was, but it felt more like being controlled, and I didn’t want any of that.

  “I miss you, princess.”

  I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I know. I miss you too, beast.”

  He laughed but it was bitter and sad. “I want to take it back. I want it to be like it was.”

  “I know. Me too.” Guess I wasn’t the only one noticing the awkwardness.

  I heard a bunch of people in the background yelling at him. He closed a door and whispered. “Do you think it feels like we can’t go back because we’re supposed to go forward? Not like move on, but be with each other?”

  I wanted to shout yes, but I held my breath until I could keep it calm. It was my heart on the line, not his. “No. I think if we ever went forward, it would be under a different situation. Right now, I’m pretty sure my GPA is taking a hard hit and you have to focus on the band. They need you and you need them.”

  He sighed. “I know. It’s not good for business to have a mopey lead singer. I know how this works.”

  “Is Gerry hounding you?”

  He was silent for a minute. “Did you talk about me to Gerry? About how I would let the band down?”

  I didn’t want to say no, because that wasn’t entirely true and I would never lie. “I’ve never told anyone you would let the band down. I don’t believe that’s a possibility. You’re a hard worker and a star. I believe in you.”

  “You do?” he sounded surprised.

  Tears filled my eyes and I didn’t even know why. “Yeah. Of course, I do.”

  “I gotta go.”

  I was about to say bye when I heard the phone beep, like I’d lost the call. I stared at the blank phone and then went to bed. Sleep was better than constantly thinking about him. But my sleep betrayed me. I dreamt about him.

  I was mid-dream when something cold was touching me, waking me up. I spun, almost leaping out of bed for my mace, but I realized it was Lochlan. His cologne and smell was in the air around me.

  “What are you doing? Are you really here?”

  He gave me a kiss on the cheek. “If this isn’t okay, I’ll go sleep with Danny in my bed.”

  I pointed at the door. “It’s not okay.”

  He brushed his lips against mine, ever so slightly touching his tongue to my top lip. “You’ll get over it.”

  I laughed. “Why are you home?” He always ignored the parts he didn’t want to hear.

  He rolled me on my side, facing away from him and spooned me. “I told you I would see you tonight.”

  He kissed my neck and pulled me into him so hard, I was sure we would become one person.

  “What’s changed?” I asked into the silent dark.

  “I can’t live without you. I won’t. I’m yours, body and soul, and I’m done pretending we can be friends.”

  I blinked a tear down my cheek. “Fair enough.”

  He took a deep breath of air from my neck. “Last night I had this dream. I was on stage, and I had a horrid feeling that you weren’t watching me sing. I woke up and the hotel room smelled . . . like sterile or something.” He took another long sniff of my hair. “I realized that it doesn’t feel like I’m inhaling all the way, unless you’re part of the air I’m breathing.”

  I turned to face him, pressing my tear-stained face against his. My tears mixed with our kiss, but I didn’t even care. “I just want you, all of you,” I whispered.

  He dragged my shorts down and then his. He pulled on a condom as I pulled my tank top off. My warmth and his cold mixed, like my tears and our kiss. We slid against each other, caressing, but I was impatient. I climbed under him, forcing him between my legs. He kissed my throat as he pushed himself into me.

  “You’re already wet.”

  “I was dreaming about you when you woke me up.”

 
He pushed into me hard, forcing a gasp from my lips. He filled me up, his light, his craziness, his body, everything. Even his demons made me feel whole, like they needed me. I wrapped my legs around his waist and let him make me feel complete. The touching and thrusting was slow and methodical. Every movement served a purpose.

  “I love you, princess, with my whole heart,” he murmured into my ear as he bit my lobe.

  I gripped his shoulders, pulling him onto me . . . into me farther. “Bite it harder.”

  He moaned into my nape. “Why?” his words were breathy as his body thrust in and out of me.

  I clung to him. “I want to make sure I’m awake. I think I’m still dreaming.” He had not just said that he loved me. I ignored the words and let everything be the dream I’d been having.

  I felt him shake his head. “If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up either.” I agreed silently. I wanted the ‘us’ that was okay in the apartment. I wanted the fantasy. The reality was that I would screw it up again.

  Chapter Ten

  Unspectacularly wrong

  I woke to the smell of bacon. I smiled and climbed out of bed. His sweats and tee shirt were on the floor. I pulled them on and stumbled out of the room. My stomach was still in knots. I didn’t know what it meant, what we were. It felt too big to try to sort out. He’d said he loved me. I didn’t want to think about that. I liked that he’d flown home to see me. That was all I was going to focus on—that, and the bacon.

  But it was Danny frying the bacon when I got to the kitchen. He gave me a grin. “Someone went a little nutty with the cleaning this morning.”

  I glanced at Lochlan cleaning the paint off the floor. He looked pissed. I rushed over. “I said no, it stays.”

  He laughed bitterly, ignoring me. “Princess, remind me never to piss you off again. Seriously, this is some crazy, repressed anger. If you got it out more like I do, with daily flip outs, you wouldn’t go so crazy.”

  I gave him a look and turned back to the kitchen. “Fine, clean it up, ass. Your daily flip outs aren’t any better, trust me.” I sat at the barstool and picked a piece of bacon off the plate, where it was sitting on paper towel.

  He chuckled behind me. “At least when you do lose it, it’s a respectable effort.”

  I snorted and chewed my bacon.

  Danny gave me a look. “Dad called.”

  I frowned. “Okay.”

  “He wants us both home for Thanksgiving or they’re coming here—together.”

  I shuddered. “Yikes.” Our parents together were a nightmare of epic proportions. I sighed and drummed my greasy fingers on the counter. “So home for Thanksgiving and Christmas?” I wasn’t sure I could do it. I hated flying, and I didn’t like it when they did the holidays as a family. It was awful. Two flights in two months would definitely be overdoing it for me.

  He cocked an eyebrow. “You bringing him to meet the folks?” He grinned like he knew it would be a disaster.

  I glanced back at Lochlan picking the duct tape off the couch, and smiled when he cussed and picked at tape bits. His eyes darted to mine. I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

  Lochlan pointed at me. “Me and you aren’t done with the conversation that needs to happen about all this shit. You need therapy, seriously.”

  I sneered and looked back at Danny. “See. He’s crazy. Bringing him home is going to be a disaster. No.”

  “Too bad. I already asked him.”

  I closed my eyes, as if holding them shut would hold back my annoyance. “You did what?”

  He laughed, speaking loudly and winking at Lochlan. “Yup. He’s already booked the flights. He’s going to New York for the Tuesday and Wednesday before, and then meeting us in Grand Forks on Wednesday night. He booked our flights too.”

  I swallowed hard, glancing back at Lochlan. “You sure you want to come for Thanksgiving? You have so much going on that week.”

  He frowned. “You don’t want me to?”

  I shrugged. “It’s kind of a big deal, meeting someone’s family. Thanksgiving is a gong show at our house. I just think that you and me need to go slower than that.” Like never leave the apartment.

  He looked hurt. “How is it you can say shit like that, and I’m the asshole in this relationship?”

  I didn’t even like hearing him say relationship. It felt too big, too soon. I sighed and looked back at Danny with the death stare. He pointed at me. “Keep your shirt on, Er. He has a point. He’s sweet to you, and you’re always an asshole to him.”

  “Thank you, Danny,” he shouted from the paint stain.

  I got up from the bar and walked back to my bedroom. We had gone from separate sides to snuggling and sex, and now he was coming for Thanksgiving. I wanted that—this. I wanted it, right?

  The door opened and he leaned against the frame of the door. “If you don’t want me to come, I won’t.”

  I thought for a second. “I don’t want you to come. I want to see where we are before we add other people.”

  He shrugged. “I’m coming.”

  I rubbed my face, laughing. “Why are you so difficult?”

  He knelt at the edge of the bed. “You want me. You want to be with me, but it’s like you only want it here, in the apartment. Why?”

  I held my hands over my face. “I’m scared of you out there.” I pulled my hands away and looked at him. “I’m scared to watch you be that guy. I don’t want to share him with the world. I just want him to be mine.” His face was stoic so I continued. “I know it’s a selfish shit thing to say, but when I was a little girl and I was daydreaming about the life I would have, this wasn’t it. Some girls dream about famous guys and fancy things. I dreamt about my own condo in Manhattan, fancy shoes and things I bought myself, a successful career as a lawyer at a firm in New York, and a BMW. I always wanted a BMW.”

  His look darkened. “I’ll buy you a fucking BMW tomorrow. But you can’t choose how things are going to work out. You have to roll with the punches and try to take life in stride.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Says the guy who beat the shit out of the competition who was winning on the show, and got kicked off for it.”

  The demons won the battle of dark and light in his eyes. He leaned into me. “You don’t know shit.” He got up and left. I bit my lip, panicking and unsure of what to say or do. I’d pushed him too far. The slamming of the front door made my eyes widen.

  “Shit.” I grabbed my phone and dialed Gerry.

  “Hey, girlie.”

  I shouted into the phone. “I pissed him off—bad. He just left.”

  He sighed. “Goddammit. Erin, we’re two weeks from the damned Late Night and After Hours shows. Two weeks.”

  I got up from the bed, slipped on my flip-flops, and grabbed my wallet. “I’m not his babysitter. I’m his . . . I’m a . . . ”

  “Just stop screwing with him. Jesus Christ. You’re his girlfriend or you’re gone. That’s it. It’s you making him bat-shit crazy. He used to be normal.”

  I screamed into the phone. “SCREW YOU, GERRY! IT’S MORE COMPLEX THAN THAT!” I hung up the phone and ran from the apartment. His car was gone. I ran as fast as I could, until I saw a cab. I flagged it and climbed in when the cabbie stopped. I heaved. “Dirty trucker-stop restaurants.” I gulped air.

  He gave me a confused look. I pointed. “The greasy-spoon truck stops in the industrial parks. Now, please.”

  He gave me a crazy look. We drove for an hour, hitting them all. He was nowhere to be found and the trip cost me two hundred dollars. I didn’t know where else to look for him. I drummed my fingers against the window as he left me back at my place.

  “Thanks, Jim,” I said and climbed out.

  He waved. “Good luck, Erin. I hope you find him.” I closed the door and stepped up to the door of the house.

  Jim shouted through the open window. “Did you consider checking the Buzz website? They track celebrity sightings. I saw there was something about that girl from Star Wars, like a week a
go. She was having coffee and they were taking pictures.”

  I tilted my head. “Duhhh, of course.” I ripped my phone out and Googled. I clicked on a site and instantly my stomach dropped as I saw the photos. There were hundreds of sightings. Lochlan kissing girls, signing body parts, getting group shots, and being goofy with hordes of girls. I lowered my phone. “Nope. Thanks anyway.” I didn’t want to find him. I dialed the number I hadn’t dialed in ages.

  “T&N, Tom here.”

  I put the key into the door and walked inside. “Hey, Tom. It’s Erin Benson. I’m wondering if anything ever came up.”

  “Hey, Erin. Yeah, but Lochlan called and canceled the hunt. He even gave me five grand to not answer your emails, even if you begged for an apartment.” How did he have so much money? Why didn’t he buy nicer clothes, instead of bribing landlords?

  “Yeah, well he’s insane.” I nodded as I climbed the stairs. “I need one. Just a one bedroom, furnished. I don’t care where. I’d like closer to the school, but I’d take anything.”

  “I promised him, I wouldn’t. I’m sorry, Erin.”

  “Yup.” My strong yup was back. I hung up and walked into the apartment. I went directly to my room. I didn’t care about any of it. I turned the lock and lay down with my books. I needed to study. I needed to succeed in my career, the same way he did.

  I looked at my watch and grunted. “Shit.” I had a class. I ran with my books, just barely making it. We had a guest speaker. A lady with shiny hair and a hard face. Dean watched me from the side of the room as she spoke. “Good afternoon. My name is Donna King. I work for the district attorney’s office. I have been a prosecutor for fifteen years.” She took a sip of her water. “Much like many of you, I always wanted this. I find lawyers are like doctors; they want it from an early age and never look back. The time management, dedication, overtime, and workaholic tendencies are much the same in both groups.” She walked over to a board. “Statistically speaking, we work longer and harder hours than surgeons. We dedicate ourselves to the job, to the point that most of us never marry or have kids.” Her eyes flicked to Dean. He smiled brightly. The class laughed but there was a tension in all of us. She was bringing up the flaw in the job that would become the flaw in us.