by Tara Brown
He kicked his foot to the drum and held the microphone out for the crowd to sing. The entire audience burst into song. They knew every word. The smile on his face could have fed me the rest of my life. Gerry and Mike were beaming. Even Lenny, the homebody, was grinning from ear to ear over the keyboard. They had borrowed a guitar player from another local band. They tried to poach him, but he had stayed loyal to his band. Bostonians were the most loyal people.
The camera fell on Lochlan as he finished the song with his head back, a peaceful look on his face. The crowd erupted as the host walked over clapping. “Man, you guys are hot!”
Lochlan smiled. I saw him wink into the crowd. It made my stomach hurt, but I pushed it away.
“I heard you guys in Boston not too long ago. Amazing show. Ladies and gentlemen, thank Thin Ice for coming and playing for us. Their album will be available—”
He looked at Lochlan, who laughed. “Soon.”
“There you have it—soon. Stay tuned. We have the entire cast of The Dreamers up after this.” He waved and the screen went to commercial.
My phone didn’t ring. No texts came through. I stared at it for a while, and then decided it wasn’t too lame to message him.
‘Awesome show, baby. I loved it.’
He never messaged me back. I could see it had delivered, but there was no message back.
I forced myself to study and not look on the net, or think about why he hadn’t texted me.
I woke to messages, weird ones like ‘Hey, sorry there is just so much to do, I’ll call later’ and ‘Hey, princess, we’re exhausted from the sets and rehearsal. Talk later.’
I shrugged it off until my late-morning class with Dean.
He waved me over after class. “Did Gerry or Lochlan send you the pics from the people they’ve met?”
I shook my head, clutching my books and forbidding myself to think the worst.
He pulled out his phone and held them up. There were pictures of everyone. It was crazy chaos. The band was in front of restaurants, at bars, and I couldn’t believe the famous faces gracing Dean’s phone. Lochlan letting famous female singers lick his face and kiss him. The group of them were smiling brightly and hanging themselves off dozens of different people for pictures.
Dean noticed my face and pulled the phone back. “He’s such a joker.”
I nodded blankly. I was secretly hyperventilating. I smiled weakly. “I better go. I’m leaving in two hours for Nashville.” I could feel the glossy tears starting to form.
He swallowed. “I’m sorry. I assumed you didn’t care about the fun drunk he was, or you wouldn’t date someone like him.” Oh my God . . . he was drunk for the pictures. God only knows what he did.
I laughed awkwardly. “Oh, I am. He’s crazy. I’m just tired.”
He hadn’t done anything wrong. I needed to remind myself that he was acting the part. He was hugging famous people and doing things mere mortals would never have the opportunity to do.
The walk home gave me the chance to ponder if I was doing what abused women did. Was I justifying him? I needed to see inside of his eyes. I needed to know if I was still there.
I packed my things and caught my flight to Nashville. It wasn’t nearly as bad, probably because I had been flying so much. His family lived in a small town just on the outskirts of Nashville called Mt. Juliet. I knew nothing about them beyond that.
When I got to the Nashville Airport, I pulled my carry-on to the waiting area. I smiled when I saw a handsome dark-haired guy in a lime-green tee shirt and tight jeans holding a black jean jacket. I walked right up to him. “You have to be Alex.”
He smiled and it was insane. They were identical, but Alex was better looking. He had spiky, dark hair, styled perfectly, and the brightest smile. He flashed it at me and I almost fainted. He was a thinner and cleaner Lochlan. And way better dressed.
“Erin!” he squealed and attacked. His emotions were everywhere, like they had exploded from a box.
I hugged back. “It’s nice to meet you.”
He pulled back. “Oh my God, you are delicious. Look at you—no wonder he loves you.”
My stomach burned. I’d hardly spoken to him since he’d left for New York. It was weird.
I cleared my throat. “Thanks for coming to get me.”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s a twenty-minute drive. It’s not a liver.”
I laughed. He looped his arm in mine. “Mom and Dad and Lissie are going to go nuts. They have been dying to meet the unstoppable Lochlan Barlow’s beautiful girlfriend who he never shuts up about.”
I glanced at him. “I can’t wait to meet them too.”
He shook his head. “It’s crazy that you guys just met. It feels like he’s known you forever.”
I nodded, fighting the frown on my face. “I know. It was August 12th at 4:00 in the afternoon. I maced him and some fake-breasted female. Got them both handcuffed by the police and we’ve been inseparable ever since.”
He winced. “Longest three and half months of your life?”
I shook my head. “It’s felt like I’ve crammed everything humanly possible into that time.” I almost stopped myself from talking, but he was easier to be around than any one person I’d ever met. I gave him a soft smile. “But I wouldn’t trade the time. It’s been fun. Bizarre and fun.”
He laughed and led me to a car in the short-term parking. It was beautiful, a red BMW M6. I knew the car because it was on the 2013 calendar hanging in our kitchen. My hands trembled when I touched it, dragging my fingers along it.
“It’s so beautiful.” It was my dream car. The one I would have bought for myself if I were rich.
He flashed me the smile and tossed me the keys. I instantly went in two directions at once. “I can’t.” One side of me wanted to, but the other really didn’t.
He nodded. “Yeah, you can. It’s paid for and insured. I just watched you cargasm. You can drive.” He climbed into the passenger side, after sticking my bag in the trunk. I sat in the driver’s seat, taking mental pictures of every angle. It was stunning. Not too showy but sleek and sexy. It had the European flare and class, but the red paint gave it the American bad-ass feeling I loved about the car. I stroked the steering wheel and put the key in. The engine gave a slight roar and then purred. I looked at him. “Oh my.”
He laughed. “Oh my, indeed.”
“You look so much like him.”
He frowned. “We’re identical twins.”
My jaw dropped open. “Oh.”
He frowned. “He never said that?”
I shook my head. “Must have slipped his mind.”
He pushed on his sunglasses. “Yes well, a great many things slip his mind. Small details don’t fit with all that personality.”
I laughed and pointed. “Oh, we are going to get along great.”
He chuckled. I put the car in reverse and started the trek to his parents’ house. It was much less than twenty minutes in an M6. I barely had time to make the turns he told me to take. When I pulled into the new subdivision, I was stunned. The houses were new and pretty. It was a small, clean area with plumbing and underground electricity. It was a beautiful family neighborhood. I was confused. “I imagined it more like a farm.”
He gave me a look. “Turn here.”
I looked at the street name. “Erin Lane?”
He laughed. “Yes ma’am.” He definitely sounded more Southern than Lochlan did. “This one.”
I pulled in slowly. The house was a new rancher with beige siding and burgundy trim. “My mom would love it here. She likes new.”
He nodded. “Dad bought it a couple years ago. It’s easier with Mom to be in a rancher. We had a huge house before, but she can’t get around like before.”
I started to feel like I was completely in the dark. I swallowed. “Is she okay?”
He frowned. “Wow, did he talk about us at all?”
I nodded. “He did, but it was like Alex does this and that, and when we were little Lissie
hated this, and when we went to Disney, Alex cried because they made him put on a prince outfit instead of a princess.”
His cheeks flared. “Of course, he remembered that one.” He sighed. “You will discover he’s bad with the people he loves. He kind of gets distracted.” My heart hurt instantly but then he smiled. “But you’ll never meet a person who loves anyone as much as he does. Lochlan is the best person I’ve ever met. Our mother had a massive stroke a while ago. She has been pretty much cared for by our father. It was intense.”
“I’m so sorry.” I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Who cries as they meet their boyfriend’s family?
He shook his head. “It’s fine. She is fine and we are fine. Don’t make a big deal about it, okay? She hates that.”
I nodded. “I’m going to kill your brother. Are they still getting in tonight after the show?”
He shook his head. “They fly in at five in the morning. I have to go get them. They had to change it when they found out they were playing two songs and the show is longer than they expected.”
I smiled and muttered. “Figures.” He had just stranded me with his family for the next few hours, alone. I was at least grateful that Alex was amazing.
“Oh, we don’t bite, not hard anyway.”
My smile increased.
“So Loch said you’re in law,” he said as he grabbed my bag and we walked up to the door. The front porch was beautiful.
“I am, and you’re a dentist?”
He rolled his eyes. “Pediatric dental surgeon.”
I laughed. “Those are the same thing in Loch’s mind, apparently.”
He chuckled. “Loch doesn’t have room for the small stuff.” He opened the door. A kind-looking man with dark hair, bright-blue eyes and red cheeks greeted me with a smile. “You must be Erin.” He hugged me. I didn’t expect any of it. He was chubby and tall. His face was a huskier version of Alex and Loch’s.
Lissie walked in with light-red hair and the same bright-blue eyes. She joined in on the hug. She was tall, thin, and very pretty. Her skin was ruddy and freckled. I assumed Lissie looked like their mother.
Alex pulled me into the living room. A woman, with short strawberry-blonde hair and a slack look on her tired face, moved her eyes to see me.
“Mom, this is Erin. Loch’s Erin.”
She didn’t move. I was about to lose it. He never warned me or prepared me at all. I dropped to my knees immediately, taking her hand. “It’s lovely to meet you.”
Her eyes filled with tears. She gripped my hand with little strength.
Her eyes darted about the room.
Alex leaned forward. “He’ll be here tonight. It’s okay. He’s coming.”
I was near to tears. Lissie came and sat beside me, thankfully talking. “So he told us the mace story. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone before I met them. But you—I loved you.”
I started to laugh. “It was a bad day.”
Alex laughed with her. “No, it was our best day. Anything that humbles the super hero in the family is good.” He winked at Mom. Her eyes shone with delight and pride.
Their dad came in with a tray of sweet tea. He passed me one. “Hope you like your tea sweetened.”
I nodded and drank a small sip. He sat next to his wife with a spoon in her glass. “I made yours the way you like it, love.”
He spoon-fed her tiny sips, not taking any of his. Lissie and Alex acted like it was normal, so I tried not to stare.
We chatted and laughed and got to know each other. Lissie was a schoolteacher, she taught tenth-grade math. She had her master’s in teaching. She was twenty-nine years old. I knew Loch and Alex were twenty-seven.
We sat enjoying each other’s company. Their father had made dinner, tomato-basil soup. He made up his wife’s bowl and fed it to her. He drank from her tea, chatting away with her like nothing had changed and no time had ever passed between them.
Eventually, Alex leaned over to where I sat in front of the hot fireplace. “Want to take a walk?”
I nodded. Lissie had left with promises to be back early to help with Thanksgiving dinner.
We left the house and I sobbed, leaning against the truck in the driveway. I covered my face in hateful shame.
Alex rubbed my back,
“It’s a lot to take at first. I’m sorry Loch never told you. I honestly don’t think he notices sometimes.”
I shook my head. “He treats me the same as her and I got mad at him. I told him to stop making my plates of food and drinking my drinks. I never knew. . . . ”
He wrapped himself around me. “How could you have known? We’ve seen it for almost a decade. Well, almost six years anyway.”
He took my hand in his and pulled me along. I sniffled and nearly heaved. I’d never felt worse in my life.
“I feel so bad.”
He nudged me. “You shouldn’t. We’ve been exposed to it for so long, it’s just regular for us. Dad refused to put her in a home when it happened. She was young, jeez, fifty-years old. We were on the road to success. Loch had just finished his MBA. I was in university, taking too many courses, and Lissie had finally made it off the substitute list. She had her first full-time job. We were all so busy. Loch decided not to take the job he’d gotten. He sang at the bar nights and spent the days with Dad. The two of them got her to where she is now. She’s as good as it gets. She can swallow normally, breathe normally, and she understands us. If we ask her questions, she can blink her eyes as answers. Loch spent a lot of time with her.”
I frowned. “What made him do the show?”
He got a grim look on his face. “We forced him. We knew what an amazing singer he was, and Lissie and I were stable. We hired help for Dad and forced Loch to do the show.”
I laughed. “I’m sure you didn’t have to completely force him.”
He laughed too. “He was made to do this.”
I had never imagined it was anything like this—never. I shook my head. “No wonder he’s always going on about living every day to the fullest and trying new things. He’s inspired by her.”
He gave me a look. “That’s his ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. He’s always struggled with it and—oh, Mom and Dad, they tried medicating him when he was little. But he became a zombie. He lost the passion and the flare that is Lochlan. His eyes glazed over and he said yes to everything in a monotone. No sarcasm, no joie de vivre. Mom wouldn’t hear of it. She took him off the meds and shit. She made him take music, started with piano. It helped him focus. So when he would be having a fit or a hard time focusing, she would make him play. He took singing lessons. The music saved him. It’s mostly gone now, but small bits of it linger. His temper, that way he goes dark almost and quiet. Or doesn't hear you when you argue, like he’s made up his mind and doesn't care. He’s a pain in the ass sometimes.”
I was dying inside. “Oh my God, he never told me that either.”
“I assumed. If it’s too much for you—all of this—I can take you to the airport. I know he’s a lot to handle, and Mom, well, she’s hard to watch. We are all watching her die, slowly. Dad has a bad heart, high cholesterol and blood pressure. They won’t go into a home, and we won’t let Loch put his life on hold for them. They don’t want it. They want this for him. Our family is a mess, so if you need to bail, I will make him understand.”
I felt sick. “You think I’m that shallow?”
He grabbed my hands, shaking his head. “No—my God, no. But he never told you any of this, and he might not ever have. There are things he might not ever tell you. That’s something you have to live with. It’s not deviousness—he isn’t like that. It’s truly that he sees things his way. He is stubborn as shit and refuses for the flaws to bring him or anyone down. He still believes, in his crazy way, that she might recover,” he sighed. “If there is ever anything you need to ask me, I’ll always tell you the truth.”
I held his hands tight. “Why did he beat that guy up on the show?”
His eyes t
witched with the memory. “Okay, the truth on anything but that. That, he has to tell you himself.”
“Do you think I should go to the airport?”
He shook his head. “No. Lochlan used to need music and now it seems like he just needs you. The music has finally become a joy and not a release. I think you’re good for him, but I don't know if he’s good for you. He means well but he doesn't always do well.”
I felt my cheeks blush. “He seems so normal and together. He’s smart and funny and outgoing. He doesn’t seem broken.”
His grip tightened. “He’s not.” His tone changed.
I jumped. “Sorry, I’m thinking aloud. I just mean that he’s like . . . well, you know . . . the darkness, sometimes it’s . . . like a demon.”
He glared slightly. “Erin, you have to see the strengths, not the weaknesses. I didn’t tell you this so you would judge him. I told you so you would be fair with him and see the whole picture. And I don't think it’s fair for someone to sneak something like this up on anyone. You should know what you’re in for.”
I swallowed. “I’m not judging him, I swear. I just see so many things making sense. It’s all just my brain working. I have to say it out loud. It’s my own ADD. The things making sense don't make me love him less.”
“He probably does that well enough on his own.” He pulled me into his embrace and laughed.
I rested my head on his chest and sighed. “You sure you’re gay?”
“Unbearably gay.”
I laughed and then I cried some more. “Want to watch the show?”
He shook his head. “No. Let’s wait for Mom. Dad will be putting her to bed now.”
I nodded and we walked back, hand in hand. I tried to convince him to run away with me, and let me be his beard. He never caved once, just smiled at me with his sparkly-blue eyes that never once turned into a dark look.
He led me to Lochlan’s bed. I curled up in the sheets and tried not to be creepy about smelling his pillow. It was bad enough I was in his boxers and tee shirt.
I woke to Lochlan sleeping on the bed over the covers. He was still dressed. It was light out. I kissed his cheek and crawled from the bed. He was passed out so I got dressed and went down the hall, to find Al giving Judith a type of sponge bath on her face and neck.
