by Tara Brown
“Good morning. Can I help with anything?” I smiled at Judith.
He shook his head. “No. I was just going to watch the boys’ show from last night. I recorded it. It makes her happy, but they were playing too late.”
I smiled. “Can I get you anything, Al?”
He glanced at me. “Cup of the coffee that’s made, if you don’t mind. One sugar and one cream.”
Judith gave him an evil look. He chuckled. “One milk. No cream for me.”
I laughed and patted her on the shoulder. “I’ve got your back, Judith.” I wished his family were my family. They were amazing and sweet, and everything a person wanted in parents. I’d seen kids with ADHD act out. I couldn’t imagine being so brave as to take him off his meds and have the patience to suffer through his music lessons. I got us both a coffee and sat on the couch. I sipped as he started the recording.
It was the same sort of set up as the one the night before it. They were on a small stage, ready to start playing their instruments. I sighed, seeing him. They played my favorite song, “Hold My Heart Tonight.” It was amazing. His vocals were the best in that song. Mid-way, a young woman came on stage with her microphone. She sang the lyrics with him. He laughed, beaming at her. He wrapped an arm around her waist and sang with her. She was beautiful—long red hair and a stunning face. The way she looked at him was intense.
Al pointed. “That’s Mikayla, the girl who was on the show with him. She was in the final four with him. They had a bit of a thing back then. She was very in love with him.”
I hadn’t watched the show, except for searching his performances.
The two of them were amazing together. They finished the song. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. The cameras zoomed in. She kissed him with tongue. He kissed her back. The crowd cheered and she jumped into his open arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. His hands cupped her ass and I gagged.
I looked at Judith and knew whatever that was, I didn't need my drama with her son tainting her home. She was sick enough without it. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. The kiss was still going and the crowd was still cheering, no doubt hopeful he would break up with me. It was still going when I got down the hallway, pulling the ring off my finger and placing it on his pillow before the talking started.
“WOW! Take that Lochlan Barlow! What a reunion folks. You heard it here first, Lochlan and Mikayla finally back together after a long break.” The male announcer laughed. I clutched to the doorway, shaking as the female started speaking. “We’ll sneak around back and find out the gossip for you. There must be some story as to what happened between Lochlan and his girlfriend.”
The male chuckled again. “Right, the husky lawyer, Erica I think.”
Al turned the TV off and the living room was silent. I didn't know what to do. I needed to get away. I couldn't listen to his excuses. His telling me he loved me and it was all part of the act. I couldn't listen to anything else. I needed distance, for real.
I still had to face his parents. It made my stomach sink. I grabbed my suitcase. I closed the bedroom door and walked to the living room. “I’m so sorry, Al. I need to leave. My mom and dad want me to come home. Thank you so much for having me here. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.”
He was breathing heavily. He gave a sorrowful look. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Erin. I won’t even try to defend his actions. I’m sure it’s some marketing, PR thing but I can’t say.” He trembled a bit.
I shook my head. “You are lovely, and so is your home. Thank you for everything.” I kissed his cheek and knelt next to Judith. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. It broke my heart. I kissed her damp cheek. “It was lovely to meet you. You have a beautiful home and the best family I’ve ever met.”
She gripped my hand. I nodded. I didn't say anything. What could I say? I kissed her and hugged her and Al again.
“Let us drive you.”
I shook my head, fearing Lochlan waking up. “No. That's fine. I called a cab already. Thank you though. Happy Thanksgiving.” I left out the front door, dialing for a cab.
He picked me up on the side of the road, walking and pulling my carry-on. I climbed in. “Airport, please.”
He drove off. I slapped myself in the forehead. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” I wanted to turn around and listen to his story about how it was part of the act and he didn't love her and he loved me. I wanted to, but I knew I couldn't face the world if I did. I couldn't face myself, my family, my friends, or anyone. I was already ashamed of the girl I had been portrayed as, and to add insult to injury, I was now being cheated on.
I walked up to the counter, sunglasses covering my puffy eyes and paid for a ticket home. He was killing my cash flow. The past three months had been the best and worst in my life. But love wasn't supposed to be this hard at the beginning. I walked slowly to the gate. My phone was buzzing non-stop. Finally angry, in a way I couldn’t contain and desperate for the emotional breakdown I believed I deserved, I answered. “WHAT?”
Danny started talking fast. “Holy fuck. We asked Alex not to let you see it, until we got to talk to you. But he had a dental emergency this morning and forgot to tell his mom and dad not to watch the show until we explained. She kissed him. He wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t want to shove her off on camera. He kissed her, and the minute we were backstage, I honestly had to contain him. I thought he was gonna kill her. He was pissed. He tried calling you, but I wouldn’t let him. I knew if you saw the kiss you’d flip out and not know the whole story.”
I sighed. “You suit your new job, Danny.” I hung up the phone. He called back, so I turned it off. I boarded the plane in dead agony. I was flat and emotionless. It was the only thing that saved me from my fear of flying.
Chapter Sixteen
Drama llama
I heard him enter the apartment. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t get a breath to save my life.
Danny walked into my room. He looked bad, but I sighed when I saw it was only him. He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m always your brother first. Always.”
I cried into his chest. “Everyone in the world hates me. Everyone in the world thought I wasn't good enough and now Lochlan went and showed them I wasn't.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive him, but I need you to go back, Erin.”
I pulled back, confused. “What? Screw you, Danny. He’s not my kid. I don’t have to coddle him. He has spent three months making a fool of me, and the worst part is, I let him.”
He started to cry. “Gerry and I were sleeping in the basement in the guest rooms. We heard the screaming. Loch’s dad was so mad. It must have been too much ‘cause she—Judith—took another stroke. She’s in the hospital and his dad’s almost there too. They’re scared his dad is going to have a heart attack.”
I grabbed my wallet and phone, and we ran from the apartment. I didn’t need anything else as an explanation. In the cab, I sobbed. “This is all my fault. I should have come with you. I didn’t want to mix that life and this one. I wanted the other him, not the star.”
Danny shook his head. “It’s that bitch Mikayla’s fault. She’s an asshole. He fucked her on the show; she’s obsessed and sees him succeeding and wanted to latch on to the rising star.” He gave me a grim look. “I actually phoned her and told her that this morning. Told her exactly what happened and how she was responsible for almost killing his mom.”
I’d never seen Danny get so emotional. “Is Gerry with him?”
“And Mike.”
I turned on my phone, ignoring the constant stream of messages and voicemails. I pressed his name and held the phone up to my ear. We jumped out at departures and starting running for the counter.
“Hey.”
I stopped running when he answered and let Danny get the tickets.
“Hey.”
He sighed. “I’m so sorry. I get it. I know I fucked up. Just don’t leave me. We can go back, we can just be friends again. I deserve whatever judgments
you have of me, princess.” His words were a whisper. It was devastating.
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I should have kept our drama to myself. Her stroke . . . it’s my fault. I got upset a bit in front of her. I’m an asshole. Baby, I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
He paused for a minute. “You’re coming back?”
I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
“Thank you.” He hung up. I felt sick and dialed Gerry.
“Erin, we need you. He won’t leave his mom’s side. His dad is on oxygen and they’re monitoring him. Oh shit, he’s coming out of the room. He looks like death. Are you coming back here?” He was whispering.
“Yeah, we’ll be there in a couple hours. Is she bad?”
He whispered. “No. She’s hanging in there. They have her stabilized and said it was a very minor one. She’s being released tonight or tomorrow. She didn’t suffer any worse than last time. Some kind of fucking miracle or something. It depends on his dad and how he’s doing.” He paused and then spoke again quietly. “If you could have seen his face after the show. Danny took his phone and made him calm down. I thought he was going to trash the dressing room. He was angry, like I’ve never seen before. Danny made us stay till he was calm and we nearly missed the flight. We never would have booked another performance, he was so mad. He was psychotic.”
I glanced at my brother and nodded. “Yeah, Danny’s good at his job.”
“Erin, he’d be on a plane if his mom wasn’t sick. He’s taking all the blame. His brother and sister are trying to calm him down. His dad is livid with him—said awful things to him.”
I sighed. “I’ll message you when we land.” I hung up and followed Danny to the gate.
He wrapped an arm around me. “You’re going to fuck this up with your bad-boyfriend juju. You assume shit and treat him like the sucky guys you dated as a kid.”
I looked at him. “I didn’t make him kiss her. I didn't make him stick his tongue in her mouth or cup her ass cheeks. Don't put this on me.”
He laughed bitterly. “You made him overreact about it and act like a spaz. You’ve got him so wound up about you leaving him that he’s like suicidal once a week. I’m going to find him cutting himself and listening to all your favorite songs one day, I’m convinced.”
I swallowed. “He’s just so hard to trust. He acts so nuts. His last friggin’ words to me were ‘Don't go on the Internet—trust me.’ He said that and then does this. Can you not see the bad thing happening there? It looks pretty bad that he tells me not to watch shit or Google anything while he’s hooking up with his ex.”
He grabbed my arms and held me tight. “Erin, you’re my sister. Do you really think I would tell you he didn't do something, if he did? Do you really think I wouldn't kick his ass for hurting you?”
I shrugged. “He’s your paycheck, Danny.”
He stopped, giving me a look like he might kill me. But I didn't back down. He leaned in, whispering menacingly, “You are my blood. I would die for you. But you know what? This is your fault in a small way. Your self-absorbed bullshit has to end. He’s already stressed to the max about the band, the record deal, finding new members and making sure they fit in, and suddenly being handed all the responsibility of the band. You’re so selfish and wrapped up in your own little problems that you don’t ever look at his side.”
We walked faster. “Well, no one tells me that stuff.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah we do, but you zone out the second the words Thin Ice come up.”
My chest was tightening but he kept on going.
“You can’t keep him this wound up. So fucking what? Some slut kissed him on a stage. That’s bound to happen to any guy who leaves his house. It happens to me every other day, and I’m me. Lochlan’s seen his dad give up his whole life for his wife. He took early retirement from his job—he had a cool job. He was an air-traffic controller. How cool is that? Al was a badass dude before his wife got sick. Now he’s a fucking housewife and a caretaker, and Loch has seen that for a lot of years. To him love means sacrifice. Our parents aren’t like these people. Neither was willing to bend, so they quit. We’re quitters and Loch’s people are the type who hang in there till the last bitter drop of blood is squeezed. He is never going to cheat on you. He’s had opportunity like a motherfucker. I’m not kidding. He gets chicks begging him to suck hi—”
“STOP!” I stopped walking and shook my head. “I get it.”
He released me and pointed. “You’re doing it now. You can’t control every aspect of his work life. You have to let him out of the yard and off the leash. He needs to not worry about getting dumped every time you don’t like a girl giving him her number. He never takes the offers up and he never even checks out the girls. The minute he can stop being center-stage Lochlan, he does. For fuck’s sake. Either be with him the way he is, or let him go. And get some self-esteem. What the fuck is that? It’s so annoying to see a pretty girl see herself as not worthy. You know what makes us guys think you aren’t worthy? We see you how you see you. You’re pretty and funny and smart. Stop being such a douche canoe.”
I looked at my brother, shaking and ready to slap him hard. Instead, I nodded. “We need to catch the plane.”
He laughed. “Picking up bad habits from Lochlan, little sister.” The difference was that I heard every goddamned word, and for some of it, he was right.
We boarded our plane, and I had to think about everything he’d said. It took over for me in the fear department. It consumed me. In some ways, I was the evil bitch from the alley. But in others, I was still just a twenty-four-year-old girl, struggling through my own shit. I didn't need the whole world judging me like I was a star on the stage, and I didn't need to be embarrassed by the guy who was supposed to love me.
But about my low self-esteem, Danny was right. When had he gotten so smart? I thought about the childhoods we’d had. Everything about mine had been easy. Every minute was given to me. Even my older brother stopped me from ever being picked on. The one stalker boyfriend seemed like nothing compared to the things Lochlan had faced.
I hated myself more and more with every mile we flew. We landed and I sprinted for the entrance. Loch was standing alone with sunglasses and a hoodie on. I would have known him even with the hood pulled up. I ran across the wide space and leapt into his arms. He held me tight to him. Lochlan took deep breaths of my neck.
Danny dragged us out, Lochlan carrying me and all. I looked up and sobbed. “I’m so sorry I made her stressed.”
“It wasn't you.” He shook his head. “Just don’t leave me. Please, stop doing that.”
I shook my head. “I won’t leave. And you can plate my food. It’s weird, but I see why you do it.”
A tear rolled down his cheek. “She’s doing really well. Dad has her at the house again.”
I frowned. “So soon?”
He nodded. “She might not say much, but what she does communicate is not missed. She’s never going to forgive me, and she wanted her own bed.”
I kissed his lips softly. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m more sorry. If you ever forgive me for that, I swear—”
I put a finger up to his lips. “Don't make any promises right now. Just worry about your mom.”
We got into the truck that had been in the driveway. Lochlan drove like a nut. We didn’t talk.
When we got to the house, I was fading fast. I was beat, but I wanted to see Judith desperately. Gerry opened the door as we arrived. I kissed his cheek, walking past him to the living room. She wasn’t there. I turned and walked out, ignoring Mike, Lissie and Alex. I opened the door at the end of the hall, knocking lightly as I did it. Al beamed when he saw me. I shushed him, trying not to cry. “I’m so sorry for the drama I brought into your home.”
He pulled me back. “No. Our son is the one—”
I cut him off, “He has never been anything but a good boyfriend. He’s never given me a reason to
doubt him.” I shrugged and stole my brother’s line. “I come from quitters. They’re not like you people. My parents don’t support each other the way you do. They would never understand your marriage. Or your compassion. They’re selfish people and sometimes I’m selfish and self-absorbed. I see the light inside of Loch, and I know how big it is. I don’t think I’m big enough to be a part of it. It’s me not deserving him, not him straying on me. He would never and I know it. But I see the darkness in him and I assume the worst. Even though he has never done anything but love me and protect me from it all. It’s a flawed version of love because it’s unique to him. But everyone has the same circumstances. We all love something or someone according to our ability to love. Loch is crazy and passionate and weird and intense and giving and funny. His love reflects all those things. He gets those amazing qualities from you both. I am sorry for whatever problems I have caused.” I couldn't let his parents die or be sick thinking bad things about Lochlan. That wasn’t fair. I had my share in it all too.
He hugged me. “Thank you. You caused no problems, but thank you for seeing him. Seeing the light and the dark.”
I pulled from his arms and knelt at her bed. She was sobbing silently. She made a noise. I gripped her hand. “I am truly sorry.”
She blinked out of control.
“She wants to tell you something.”
I looked at Al. “How?”
He grabbed a pen and paper, wiping a rogue tear from his face. “Okay, baby.”
She looked at him and started a series of blinks. I didn’t understand anything, but assumed he was counting blinks and putting down the letters that matched the number of blinks.
It went on for a couple minutes. He read it and smiled. “She said ‘Be each other’s shelter from the storm, whether it’s inside or out.’”
She gave me a peaceful look, and I knew she was giving him to me. I was scared she knew she was dying and needed someone to guarantee Loch’s safety. He would be mine to protect and keep safe, for her. She seemed to think we would learn to love each other like his parents. I didn't know if I could learn how. I gripped her hands and fought my sobs. “I will. I’ll always keep him safe in my heart.” I kissed her hand and rose. “Get some rest.”
