by Tara Brown
She blinked twice.
“That means yes.”
I nodded. “I assumed. Goodnight and happy Thanksgiving from the other day.”
Al nodded.
I hardly knew them, and yet, I’d never felt more welcomed and loved by parents.
I walked out of the room. Loch was standing in the hall looking dark. I stood on my tiptoes and brushed my lips against his. “Your turn.”
He looked down and walked in. I walked into his room, not going into the living room. I was humiliated and sickened by everything. I wanted a time machine to go back and change it all. I would have never dated him if I could go back and see it all. The bad wasn't worth the good. His mom getting stressed and having a stroke wasn't worth any amount of fun and happiness had.
Gerry walked into the room with a huge sandwich. He handed it to me. “You okay?”
I shook my head. “I’m a petty asshole.”
He tilted his head. “Girl, if I saw Dean do that on TV, I would burn the damned production set to the ground. You’re not petty, you’re insecure because women of the world wanna dry hump your man.”
“Isn’t there a saying about the brighter the star, the hotter the fire?”
He laughed. “Yeah, something like that. You feeling scorched?”
“No, just the heat maybe.”
Danny came in the room. “Hey. You okay?”
“Ya.”
“How’s Judith?”
I nodded. “She’s good.”
He took half of my turkey sandwich and ate a big bite. “You know we should have just gone to Mom and Dad’s this weekend. They wouldn’t have even noticed the drama.”
I smiled. “As much as I’m glad I met them, I wish we had gone home too. I just can’t believe his mom had another stroke. I know it’s my fault.”
“No, it’s not.” Danny shook his head. “I feel sick too, but I’m glad I phoned Mikayla though. She was bawling and apologizing. It was awesome.”
Gerry gave him a look. “You did?”
Danny nodded and chewed. Gerry was about to say something, but Lochlan came in. He looked at us all with a confused stare. I smiled at him. He walked over and took my half sandwich that was left. He took a huge bite and sat down next to me. We sat in silence. It wasn’t awkward, it was exhaustion. We were tired of our petty selves. His mom’s stroke put everything into perspective.
Chapter Seventeen
I want my MTV
I curled into him, sucking the warmth from him. He wrapped a huge arm around me, pulling me in. “Princess, you awake?”
I nodded. “Sort of.”
“I have to tell you something. I know you don't really want to hear it, but I didn't know she had planned that on the stage. I didn't even want to sing with her. When she kissed me, all I was thinking was that she was costing me everything.”
I felt sick. I hated that he was giving me the excuses and I was buying them.
He ran a finger along my cheek. “You are everything to me. I love you. If I lose you over this, I don't know what I will do.”
“You aren’t going to lose me. We just need to figure us out. Us in the world you live in and us in the world I live in, with the rest of the mortals.” I turned around to face him. “But there is something I have to tell you.” I paused. It was the hardest thing I had ever said. I took a deep breath and blurted it out before I chickened out. “I don’t know how it happened so fast, and I don’t know why it’s taken me something like this to say it, but I want to.” He kissed my nose and then my cheek. I whispered into his scruffy face. “I love you.”
He pulled back. “You do? You sure?”
“Yes. More than I can explain or understand. It goes against every natural and reasonable thing I believe, but I do. In three and a half months, you have won me, body and soul. You eat up my insides and my heart.”
He smiled, the sexy one that made me inhale funny. “Marry me.”
I laughed. “And then you say something like that and I want to take it all back.”
He pulled back. “You love me and I love you. Why not?”
“Because, we’ve known each other for three and a half months. That’s crazy and I’m turning twenty-four soon, which is too young so stop being crazy.”
His eyes sparkled. “I’m crazy—crazy about you and sort of crazy on my own.”
“Yeah, you are. But there is still one thing I want to know. Tell me what happened on that show with Mikayla and the fight.”
His eyes narrowed. “Me, Andrew, Mikayla, and Ben were the final four. She and I messed around a bit, nothing serious. To me anyway. But that wasn't part of the fight. That was because Ben found out that Andrew was gay. Andrew was in first place, as far as stats went. Being gay would hurt his chances of winning. It would also hurt his chances of being a successful pop star. You have to be like George Michael and build the fans and then come out, maybe not in a public washroom though.”
I snickered but his face stayed dark.
“Ben came to me, not knowing my identical twin was gay, and told me of his plan. I was tied for second place with Ben, not giving a shit about the show. I just wanted it to end. I hated it. It wasn’t art, it was drama. Anyway, I told him no, I wouldn’t help him, and if I found out anyone heard Andrew was gay, I would kick his head in.” It was starting to make sense.
“So the night of the second-to-last show, Andrew and I went first and did our performances. Best ones ever—we rocked it. Ben was scheduled last. I came off stage and heard him telling the producer that Andrew wanted them to have a gay pride thing on there in support of him and his coming out. He’d told his family and was coming out. Of course, that wasn’t true. Andrew never told anyone. I flipped out. I beat him up. I went black. I don’t even remember it. But he never performed and ended up being ‘the poor guy that psycho Lochlan beat up’. He won the show and I took the rap, to stop anyone from knowing about Andrew.”
I kissed him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shook his head. “It’s not my secret to tell, but I’m more scared of losing you than I am of protecting him.”
I grabbed his face hard. “You will never lose me. I’m done with all of that. I don’t want to be like my parents. I don’t want to run away every time I’m scared or hurt. I want to find a way to be with you and not lose me. I want to be part of both Lochlans. I want to come with you and be with you.”
“What about law school? I don’t want you to give up your dream. That is you.”
I shrugged. “I’m only just turning twenty-four years old. I have loads of time. Who knows how long this is going to be happening for you? Stardom is fleeting, but law school is permanent. And I’m done my degree, which is the long part of it all.”
“What about your plan?”
I laughed. “You’ve been screwing with my plans from the minute I met you. I was supposed to unpack my apartment, go for a run, come back and make dinner in my new kitchen. I wanted to set up my Netflix account, eat, and watch TV alone. My plan only ever involved me. It was a selfish plan for a selfish person. Now I want to support you. I want you to relax, and not worry about us, and not worry about losing me. Make it about the music. I want to finish this semester and then I’ll take a leave.”
He smiled and kissed me. “I want you to come with me. I hate being away from you. I hate that this scares you and you worry about me hurting you. I would never hurt you on purpose. I hate that I did already.”
I closed my eyes and laid my head in the crook of his arm. “We need to stop hurting each other.”
When I woke up, he was passed out. It was light out. It felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day, and I was waking up with my second chance at everything. I pulled on clothes and stumbled down the hall. Danny grinned at me. “You always have been such a beautiful morning person.”
I flipped him the bird and poured a cup of coffee. Al was setting the table and Gerry was flipping bacon. Al looked at me. “Go wake his ass up. He’s going to be upset if he misses
breakfast.”
I laughed. “Okay.” I poured him a coffee and glanced at Al. “How does he like his coffee?”
A grin crept across his lips. “One cream.”
I nodded and added it to the coffee. I carried it down the hall. I put it on the bedside table and bent forward, kissing him good morning. He smiled against my lips. “It feels early still.”
I took a deep breath. “Smell anything you might be upset about missing?”
He inhaled, sniffing the air and nodded. “You.”
I shoved. “You’re going to have to do better than that.”
He opened his bright-blue eyes, giving me the look. “You want me to start trying?”
I laughed. “No. I don’t think we’ll leave the room if you start trying. I want you to get up because Al said you have to.”
He glanced at the mug of steaming coffee. “Did you make my coffee?” He sounded skeptical.
Crossing my arms and looking hurt. “Don’t act like I never do things for you.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “I know you do, just not things like that.” He sat up, dragging me with him. He sipped the coffee and nodded. “You know how to make my coffee?”
I winked at him and shot him my cheesy grin. “I’m full of all kinds of surprises.” I got up and walked out of the room with swagger. “Hurry up.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
My heart melted. No one on earth could say ‘yes ma’am’ the way a boy from Tennessee could.
We stayed for two more days. I lost my job and got my first warning email about missing classes. But I laughed harder than I ever had. I smiled bigger than I could imagine doing, especially considering the circumstances. And I relaxed into the crook of his arm, like I belonged there. Danny, Gerry, and I stayed with Judith, so Alex, Lissie, and Loch could all go out for dinner with their dad. When they got home, Loch never looked freer.
We got back to Boston mid-afternoon the next day. I went for a run and he, Gerry, and Danny went to deal with band stuff. When he got back, I was working like a slave to catch up on the papers I needed to finish and definitions I needed to memorize. He kissed the side of my face. I waved him away and he laughed. “Nice. I come to tell you we have been invited to replace another band and perform live at the MTV Music Awards in the Netherlands, and you swat me.”
My jaw dropped. “What?”
He nodded. “There was a series of terrible storms, so it got switched from November to December. It’s next week and we got invited. One of the other bands had to back out. Lead singer had to have vocal surgery.”
I looked at Danny who was eating yogurt from the big container in the fridge. “Shut the front door!”
Danny nodded. “I’m going to get laid so much.”
I grimaced. “Not if you eat like that.”
I jumped up, grabbing Lochlan. He wrapped around me. “Can you come?”
My stomach sank and I shook my head. “All my finals are next week and the week after. It’s from the 6th to the 13th of December. There is no way I can miss them. I’ll blow the entire semester.”
He looked like he might . . . but he didn’t flip out, he stayed calm and nodded. “I’ll get the guys to record my every move.”
“Not even funny.” I shook my head, feeling like I was the old ball and chain. “Just have fun. When does this happen to anyone? I’ll see the performance live and enjoy every second of it. If you kiss a celebrity or let girls maul you, I’ll make my drink extra strong and try to take it like a man. When you get home, you’ll be given a few minutes to explain. If your explanation is ‘oh man, I was so drunk’—I mace you.”
He looked amused. “Hilarious.”
I shook my head. “Not funny. Deal or no deal?” I put my hand out.
He gave me a hesitant look. “You ever been sprayed by that shit?”
I tilted my head. He sighed and took my hand in his. “You’re sort of mean. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “And yet, I won’t lose any sleep over it.”
Danny shook his head. “I wouldn’t agree to shit with her, not shit like that. Her brain works in evil ways.”
Lochlan gave me the smile, making my heart race. “I’d agree to anything.”
Danny flopped into a chair. “That is because you are a sucker, my friend.”
I gave him a look, but Lochlan just shook his head. “You wait. I was like you until August 12th.”
I poked him. “You picked a chick up on the way home from the restaurant that day.”
He winked. “That was the last one. I swear. I thought about you the entire—”
My hand shot up, covering his mouth. “Oh my God, do not finish that sentence. And you forget about the girl at Costco.”
He laughed. “Okay, that was the last one, I swear. Besides, she doesn’t count—Gerry went all mean-ass ho on her. Mocked that lovely tattoo on her back that looked like a bullseye.” He winked at Danny who was howling and leaning against the counter for support.
I shuddered. “What the heck? I need a bath and a whiskey. Gross.” I stopped and looked at him when I realized what he had said. “Why the hell all the bets and the bravado if you weren’t sleeping with other people? If you told me you were a nice guy, I would have given you a chance.”
“You had your mind made up about me, princess. Besides, it was kind of fun. I never worked so hard to get laid in all my life. You had me thinking constantly of new ways to impress you, or how I would be able to spend time with you. I just knew I had to make you mine.”
I nodded and slumped back down on the couch. He was killing me. I forced myself to pick my book back up. He sat beside me and turned the TV on and passed me his iPod and Beats. I pulled them on and turned on the playlist he’d made for me. They watched something about people who lived in a swamp or girls with gators.
Somehow, I got lost in the books and the music, and when I surfaced, he and Danny were passed out. I stole the remote and turned on my favorite movie on Netflix, The Jane Austen Book Club.
When Loch woke, it was the scene where the teacher was standing at the intersection, looking at the boy across the sidewalk. I shuddered with a sob.
“Are you crying?”
“No.”
He wiped my tears. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I love this movie.”
He looked horrified. “That is something I will never understand about girls.” He pulled me in, passing me some tissues. When the movie was over, he was out cold again. I climbed off the couch and crept to bed. I lay there for a minute, thinking and feeling the things I had pretended to be okay with. Things like I was settling with the belief that his magic was bigger than my own. God blessed his purpose, whereas mine was run of the mill. There was a terrible whisper in the back of my mind that taunted me. It told me I would tire of being second fiddle and less important. I would tire of his love when I didn’t see myself in his eyes anymore.
I pulled up my big girl panties and scolded my low self-esteem. I knew none of that would ever happen. Well . . . I hoped. When I fell asleep, I was certain we would be together forever. For my part, I was committed. I had told him I loved him. That was huge for me.
Chapter Eighteen
The passing
I finished the last exam and knew I’d screwed myself. Law school took a serious commitment, and I had barely given fifty percent. If I passed, it would be some kind of miracle. My phone vibrated as I left the exam. I looked at yet another picture of a massive beer and Danny smoking a huge joint. I laughed and shook my head. The MTV Music Awards had been mind blowing. The show was insane, and they rocked it like they’d been doing it for a hundred years—like the Rolling Stones. They were staying in Europe for a few extra days to do some last-minute shows. I spent the entire week he’d been gone watching the live performance over and over like a freak show.
Dean caught up with me in the hallway. “Hey.” He grabbed my arm.
“Hey, how’s it going?”
He shook his head. “I
marked your tests, and I’m confused. Are you blowing this on purpose?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve just been caught up in all of it, ya know?”
He linked his arm in mine. “Let’s go get a coffee. You need a peppy speech, and I happen to rock those like a boss.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re starting to sound like Gerry and them.”
He snorted. “At least I’m not giving up my dreams to be with them.”
“Dean, he’s not a normal guy. My dreams barely register with his lifestyle.”
He gave me a bizarre look. “You mean because he has ADHD and his mom is dying and his dad being sick? You think there aren’t a thousand like him in this state alone?”
I met his challenging look. “Are they performing live and having every second of their bad behavior scrutinized like he is? I’d say he’s one in a billion.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “Erin, you have to have something that’s yours. Every relationship needs that.”
“My parents both have something that’s theirs, and they don’t have each other anymore. They wanted their own things too much. If you watch celebrity couples, one always hangs back a bit, lets the other one have the limelight.”
He rolled his eyes. “You aren’t exactly a celebrity couple.”
“Harsh, I mean . . . I’m cool with pulling back and supporting him.”
“So you’re okay with blowing all that money and the semester, because he’s a dramatic rock star?”
I chuckled, shaking my head. “I’m not okay with it. I just want to be there for him. They start tours next year. They’re already booked into seventeen. That’s a lot of shows. Three are sold out. He is going to need me.”
