by Tara Brown
He crossed his arms, releasing me. “Why? Are you a magical pill or are you just trying to convince him that he needs you, so that you feel justified in your suspicions of him?”
Guilt tore into me. “No offense, sir, but screw you.”
He laughed bitterly. “We aren’t doing the teacher-student thing right now and you know it.”
“I made a mess of our relationship. I made him feel like he had to choose me or the music. I made him nervous about everything and worried that every time he was having a good time being a celebrity, I was going to break up with him. And yes, he screwed up too but we both did. And we both have to get over our shit and learn to cope with the craziness in his career.”
He grabbed my shoulders. “Honey, the solution isn’t him or your career. It’s trusting him and letting him rock, and if he screws it up then it’s his fault and his problem and his loss. You need to be strong enough to walk away. You need to be confident enough to see yourself as worthy of love, and if he isn’t the right one, able to walk away. You need to see yourself as worth more. I’m not stressed about Gerry. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore or finds someone new, I’ll be devastated, but I’m worthy of someone who wants to be with me as I am. Gerry isn’t the only man in the world, and he’s not the reason I’m happy. I’m happy on my terms. He makes all the good things better.” His words resonated. “Don’t drop out. You’ll have to pull your grades up next semester but don’t drop out. I’ll help you.”
I nodded. It was the choice I wanted. If I was honest with myself and standing at the crosswalk like the teacher, I would choose my dreams—not let guilt and a lack of trust get me down. “Thank you.”
He shook his head. “It’s my job.”
I went home after coffee and took a hot bath. My phone rang, just as I was getting settled. I sat up and dried my hand.
“Hello?”
It was Alex. “Hey, Erin.”
I smiled. “Hi. How are you?”
“Not good.”
My stomach dropped.
“What’s happened? Is it Judith?”
He sighed. “No. Mom is good. She’s doing great. It’s Dad, if you can believe it.”
“Frig off.”
“Not even kidding. He’s had a massive heart attack. The doctor said it was just a matter of time, and this whole year has been so stressful for them. He’s getting stabilized and then they’re doing surgery.”
“His cholesterol?”
“Yes, and blood pressure, and diabetes, and whatever else he has going on that he hasn’t warned us about.”
I closed my eyes. “Have you called Lochlan?”
“Mom doesn’t want him called. She wants him to focus on himself and the band. She wants him to stay in Europe and do the shows.”
I gasped. “His dad is about to have surgery. He needs to come home.”
“I know. They feel like a burden and as though they’re holding him back. And you know him—he’s going to say that his leaving Dad to care for Mom himself and the stress of his career is what caused this.”
I felt something I’d never felt before. “You know that’s not true.” I would protect him from anything, including them.
“I know. But you know what he’s like. He’s going to say this was his fault, and quit music. Erin, he’ll quit the band, just like he did with the job he had lined up.”
I pulled the plug on the tub. “I’ll be there as fast as I can.” I called my dad and begged for him to book my flight. I was nearly broke. I turned on the waterworks, it was easy.
My back was aching, and I was flooded with memories of the article I’d read about radiation on planes. I ate my salted peanuts and drank my ginger ale, trying not to rock and think about plane crashes. At least the flight was only just over two hours.
Lissie picked me up. She looked rough. I hugged her, letting her cry on my shoulder.
“He’s not strong enough for surgery. They can’t do anything.”
I closed my eyes and just breathed. I didn’t know what to say. My phone started ringing. I pulled it out and answered, still holding her. “Hey.”
I smiled. “Hey.” He sounded good. I hated that I was about to ruin that.
“We just got home, and you’re not here. I saw your carry-on was gone. You okay?”
I nodded. “No.” I couldn’t lie to him. Lissie pulled back and nodded. “Tell him.”
I handed her the phone. “Do you want to?”
“Is that my sister? What the fuck is going on?”
She shook her head. “It’s better if you do it.”
I placed the phone over my ear. “I need you to calm down and listen to me. Do not overreact and do not stop listening until I get it all out, okay?”
“FUCKING TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG!”
I stayed calm. “Put Danny on if you can’t stay calm.”
He sounded savage. “I’m calm.”
I would have laughed if it had been any other circumstances. “Your dad had a heart attack. He’s in the hospital and they’re trying to stabilize him. Your mom is fine. Alex has her in the hospital so she can see him. She’s in her wheelchair and completely fine. He is being stabilized.”
“Are you done now?”
I frowned. “Yeah.”
“Be there in three hours. We’ll meet you at the hospital.”
He hung up the phone, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was smashing.
I sighed and gave his sister my weakest smile. “They’ll be here in a few hours.”
She hugged herself and showed me the way to the car.”
The hospital was silent until the guys all arrived. I was giving Judith a sip of water when we heard Lochlan’s voice. Her eyes opened wide. She looked at me with daggers. I gave them back. “He was done with the show. He doesn’t have another performance now until after Christmas.”
She blinked twice. I nodded. “Okay, then.”
He bent, kissing her face and then mine. His eyes were black with emotion and exhaustion when he stood back and looked down on me. “How is he?”
I shook my head. “Nothing has changed.”
He pointed down the hall and clenched his jaw. “I just talked to his doctor and he’s under the impression that we understand they can’t do anything for him.”
I felt my gaze weaken. His weakened with it. He didn’t fill with fury the way I thought he would. He looked destroyed. He walked into the room and laid his face on his dad’s stomach. My heart broke.
I took Judith for a walk. We sat in the window of a breezeway, enjoying the flash rainstorm outside. I didn’t look at her. I just spoke softly. “I think that I have learned more from your family in the weeks I’ve known them, than I have in the decades with mine.”
She blinked fast. I pulled my cell phone out and nodded. “Okay. I can do this.”
She blinked 9 times, 12 times, 15 times, 22 times, 5 times, 21 times, took a break, 4 times, 1 time, 21 times, 7 times, 8 times, 20 times, 5 times, 18 times. I counted them out in my head and smiled. ILOVEUDAUGHTER, was what it said on my cell phone screen. I leaned into her. “Thank you. I love you too.” And I did. No amount of time was needed to make me love them.
We sat in the silence and watched the rain and held hands. Danny came running down the hallway. I knew by his face what had happened. He stopped when he saw me looking. His eyes shone. He turned around and walked back.
I looked down on her. Her face was covered in tears. They were silent. It didn’t belittle the fact she somehow knew Al had died. I knew she had felt him leave. There was no way she saw Danny. She was watching the rain. She gripped my hand a little bit tighter. We sat there until she squeezed. “Ready to go back?”
She blinked twice. I wheeled her back to the room. Lochlan was gone. Danny, Gerry, and Mike were sitting on the seats outside of the room. I wheeled her to the door. Lissie took her from there. I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
She shook and wheeled her mother into the room to say her goodbyes. I turned and r
an. I didn’t know where he would go. I never memorized him the way he did me. I ran hard until I reached the window showing one side of the courtyard. It dawned on me. I knew he would be in the rain. I pushed the door open and walked out. He was there, sitting on a stone bench amongst large trees and bushes. He was hunched over. I stood in front of him for a moment, getting completely soaked. He grabbed my hips and pulled me into his lap. He buried his face in my neck, as I wrapped my legs around him. He folded around me completely. I closed my eyes and let the rain wash all over us.
I kissed the side of his face. “I’m sorry, baby.”
Chapter Nineteen
November rain brings December pain
My parents flew in, taking up all the room in everyone’s minds. Mom doted on Judith like it was her job, not that Judith minded the crazy distraction. At one point, I whispered into her ear. “You see what I’m saying?”
She gave me the two blinks and we moved on from the conversation. My dad went for a couple runs with Lissie. He never stopped talking about her. I was ready to strangle him. Danny and Gerry made arrangements for the band to move to Nashville. It was better for them anyway.
I lay on the bed beside Lochlan, staring at his lost face. “Mike and Gerry, and the new guy Leon, they’re moving. Gerry bought a house, and he, Danny, and Mike are thinking about sharing it.
His eyes flicked on me. “I can’t ask them to do that.”
I shrugged. “It’s done. No one wants to see Judith in a home. Your dad worked hard to keep her here. Everyone wants to be here.”
He bit his chapped lip. “I’m the newest member. They can’t move and lose Lenny.”
I smiled. “Lenny sent a huge bouquet of flowers and a long letter, basically saying he was leaving Thin Ice in your capable hands. He wanted your mom to have you, and he wanted you to have your dreams.”
He closed his eyes. “I need some more sleep.”
I grabbed his jaw. “Look at me, Loch.”
He opened his eyes.
“No. You need to get up and help your family. Your mom lost her husband and his support. She’s scared, and she doesn’t need to add you to the things she needs to worry about.”
He kissed my nose and climbed out of the bed. “Okay.” He left the room, leaving me there.
Danny came in the room and closed the door. He lay on the bed next to me. “How the hell did this many things go wrong, all at once?”
“I don’t know, but damn.”
He nodded and looked at me. “Did they used to live under power lines? How the hell are they so sick and so young? Look at our mom and dad in comparison?”
“I know. In some ways I think our parents have done a couple things right. They’ve been selfish, but they take care of themselves. Yeah, they’ve always been number one in their books, but at least that involves health. We can at least give them that.”
He snorted. “Yeah, the line draws there. Mom has been a complete psycho about Judith. She even talks to her like Judith doesn’t speak English. And Dad was chatting up some young thing on the road when I went outside for a minute.”
I grimaced. “I swear he hit on Lissie.”
“I’m gonna hit him. He needs to remember he’s fifty-seven.”
I sighed. “Maybe they are doing the right thing by acting young. They look young and live young.” I glanced at him. “Do you see yourself getting married, having kids, and adding to the stress and shit in your life? Or do you see it as more enjoyable to be like Mom and Dad, and just have fun and be carefree?”
“I don’t know.”
I snuggled into him. “Me either.”
“What about Loch?”
I shrugged. “We can be young and fun together maybe. He can show me how.”
“Fat chance. You won’t ever be fun. Let’s face it.”
I slapped his belly and closed my eyes.
The funeral was lovely. Al’s old friends and workmates came with their wives. Lissie had put Judith in a beautifully elegant dress she’d bought for her. She looked stunning.
Lochlan stood stoic. He didn’t cry. He hadn’t since the courtyard at the hospital. He didn’t hold my hand or even stand near me. He’d shut me out, except in his sleep. He needed me then. He whispered things, like begging me not to leave.
We got back to the house, all exhausted and ready to sink into a pit of despair. I pulled off the heels I had to get my mom to buy me, along with the dress. I didn’t have anything that was worthy of a funeral in my tiny bag. The kitchen was where I lost it. I made coffee and slumped against the counter. The kitchen was Al’s domain. He made the coffee and the snacks. He made the meals and catered to everyone. He had never done it in all their years of marriage until he had to. Then he learned how to cook. How to make everything the way she liked it. How to guess on the things he didn’t know and how to make everyone in his home comfortable, regardless of the fact that his life was hard.
He was mother, father, and friend to his children. I knew him for a couple weeks and I loved him like he was my family. I felt warm hands on my back. I looked back at Gerry, wiping my face. “Sorry.” He took a tissue and wiped away my tears and mascara.
“Wanna go for a walk?”
I nodded.
We left the house. Danny and Mike came. We left the Barlows to grieve alone. Mom and Dad had gone to their hotel rooms.
We didn’t tell them we were leaving. We just did. We walked, the four of us, looking dressed up for a stroll through the peaceful neighborhood.
Gerry walked up to a huge, fancy house in the new area. It had a sold sign. He produced a key. “Want to see it?”
I smiled. “You bought into the same neighborhood?”
“Yeah. Alex and Lissie are too. Everyone has agreed that we should all be as close as possible. This is my close.” He turned the key and stood back, impressed. It was a huge home, double-car garage, two stories and a basement. I frowned. “What are you going to do with all this room?”
He grinned and opened the huge door. We stepped into the grand front entry. The floors were slate and maple hardwood, with a slightly reddish stain. The kitchen was slate and marble with stainless everything. Two sinks and a huge island. It was spectacular. The master bedroom was the size of our entire apartment and the ensuite was worthy of royalty. Gerry grinned. “It’s nice, huh?”
I shook my head. “Nice is like insulting this home.”
He patted Danny on the back. “The best is downstairs.” We followed him to the unfinished basement. He held his hands out at the drywall and framework. “This is going to be a state-of-the-art sound room. It will be soundproofed and finished for us to record and rehearse, and whatever we need it for. It’s only a block from Judith’s, so we don’t have to worry about being far from her while we work.”
Danny beamed. “That’s awesome.” None of us could get very excited, and honestly, he didn’t even sound impressed with himself. Mike sat on the stairs. “Our first concert isn’t until March, so we’ll have plenty of time.”
Danny shook his head. “No. We have a new keyboard player to get used to, we have three new songs that we just bought, and we have to get the rest of the album cut. There is zero time. How long till this is complete?”
Gerry thought for a second. “They said three weeks—first week of January.”
I wondered how much money they all had suddenly? Even Danny seemed flushed.
I looked around. “This will be perfect for you guys. Good choice, Gerry.”
He grinned. “You are welcome to stay anytime you want—you know that, right?”
His tone made my stomach feel like it fell. I nodded. “Of course. Thank you.” I pointed. “I’m going to head back.”
They stayed at the house, plotting or avoiding. It didn’t matter which.
I entered through the backyard and sat on the huge, sofa-like deck swing. I curled up and watched the fluffy white clouds. The skies in Nashville were bluer and clearer than Boston’s. It was more like North Dakota. I missed home. I
closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I woke to voices. I opened my eyes and looked through the dark yard. The sun had fully set and night had claimed the sky. Lochlan and Alex were standing in the yard. They were talking but it looked like an angry discussion.
“You owe her more than that.” Alex said. I was about to come to Loch’s defense, assuming it was about his mother.
Lochlan crossed his arms. “I want her to go home. I just want her gone. I don’t want to have to think about this anymore.”
Gerry’s comment about me staying with him made me instantly sick. Was I the last to know I was being dumped on the day Al was buried? I stayed perfectly still. Maybe they were talking about something else.
Alex shook his head, looking down. “You haven’t changed at all. Everyone is always focused on poor Lochlan, brave Lochlan, sad Lochlan, ADHD Lochlan, successful Lochlan. Everything is always about you. You can’t even let Dad’s funeral be about him.” He walked past him, leaving Loch staring at the backyard.
Silent tears streamed down my face. What had I done? Why did he want me gone? Was it my insecurities with his job? Or because I had flipped out about the making out on TV, ‘cause that seemed like a rational response for me. Yes, he had been able to explain it, but that didn't change the way I found out about it. I wanted answers but I could see the darkness on his face from there. Provoking him seemed like a . . . I stopped myself. No. I sat up as he turned around. I could barely see his eyes in the dimly-lit yard. His face didn't change when he saw me. I shook my head. “I just want to know why. Alex is right—you owe me that.”
He didn’t walk to me. He just kept looking down. “I just want you gone. I don’t want to do this anymore. I have to focus on my mom and Thin Ice, and I don’t have room. You’re too much work.”
I got up and slowly walked to him. “You’re making a decision for us without talking to me again?”
His face stayed frozen. “Just run away, like you always do. I’m giving you permission to go this time.” My heart was pounding so hard it hurt my body.
“Why are you doing this? You’re sad, Loch. It’s just ‘cause you’re sad. Don't do this to us. It’s not too late to take it back.”
