When Gods Fail

by Nelson Lowhim

  “Here bud, drink and eat,” he said.

  “No,” I said and shook my head. I couldn’t handle not knowing the entire story. “Tell me Bill, tell me what happened?" I felt a few tears trickle down my cheek, though I reminded myself that I had to stay strong. I had to find Carol. “Carol.” I shook my head, when I wanted to rip it out and end the hollow emaciation of my being. A numb feeling followed.

  “You sure we can afford the food?” Paul mumbled, but seemed to quiet down when Bill shot him a look.

  “Eat up bud,” Bill said and tore open the package.

  I grabbed the spoon he handed me. I drank the water in a gulp.

  “Fuck, we ain’t got much water left,” Paul said, giving me a deadly look.

  Bill ignored him. “Well, that was the last major story. Then all rumors. Well...” he hesitated. “That last day no one was certain what would happen. Everyone was certain that the last nuke had been launched and people would resort to talking, you know? Within a few hours the world was dark. That’s what we do know. We’ve tried to contact some city that might have survived this, but no luck. The first few weeks you couldn’t go outside without dying of exposure. Even with a radiation suit. We lost quite a few people that way. My mother, she had to go see the world, didn’t want to stay here. Found her a week back. Suit burned, skin peeled off, eyes burned. Buried her.”

  Bill stopped and looked at me. A vein in his forehead throbbed. “Portland is gone bud. Your wife probably...”

  “Well how do you know that Portland's done? I mean there are no networks; maybe it’s just that the whole world’s cut off from each other and no one knows about the other, right? I mean have you guys left this area?” I stopped as they both remained silent, exchanged glares with each other. Suddenly, I felt unwelcome.

  My words died; I finished my food and water, and stared into the red light that provided the illumination for the room.

  “Electricity? How do you get it if there is no grid, right?” I was now looking for something, something to show these men that their pessimism was misguided. There couldn’t be nothing else out there. There just couldn’t. Seven billion people at my last count. So what if there had been a nuclear war? That still left a lot of survivors. A lot of places that wouldn’t be hit by a nuke. There had to be. I looked at them both, hoping that with all the gray matter in the room we would figure this out. I was a computer nerd. Loved programming. Thought if you put enough brains behind any problem you could find a solution. Innovation was the saving grace of humans. Made us more than a bunch of chimps with tools. We were Created and thus could create. I searched each of their faces for a sign of what I was going for. They seemed saddened by my line of questioning.

  “We have solar panels and mechanically rechargeable batteries. That’s all. Ain’t no grid,” said Paul.

  No grid. The words hit me. Again I felt weak, alone, floating in a sea of nothing. Like when I was a child and my father gave me a pea to represent the earth then walked me many blocks to tell me where the sun was, and then told me we couldn't even walk to the first star—I cried then and almost cried now.

  “Then couldn’t we hook the battery to a satellite phone or radio frequency and keep trying to reach some people?” I said.

  “Listen,” he said and jerked his finger towards me, his other hand still holding the knife. “You’re lucky I didn’t finish you off. The last thing we need is another mouth to feed. You better learn to earn your keep around here, and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be done with smart ass questions. You think we haven’t thought of all that? You think we’re a buncha dumb rednecks? Dontcha?” He raised his knife. “You better learn.” He looked at Bill, walked behind the bar, lifted up a trap door in the floor, and stepped down into it.

  Now that I could see how easily he flared up, I wondered how I could tip toe around him. If I was allowed to stay. His last comment hit me. I couldn’t expect the same things as when I was back in Portland. I was in their house. I would have to listen to them. And I had to earn their respect. Show them I was worth something. But what the fuck would a computer programmer be worth out here? I looked at Bill, hoping for some sympathy. Maybe I should mention my wife, but it seemed that the time for pity was over. Bill was staring at me with a stern aggression that I did not like.

  “You guys low on water?”

  “Yeah, not much left. We have a machine that purifies our urine, but it gets less and less each time. Besides,” he said and licked his lips, troubling me again.

  The others, what happened to all the others?

  “Besides what?” I said.

  “Besides, I’m just sick and tired of tasting piss, you can taste it... once you notice it there’s no going back.”

  “The cave I was in, there was plenty of water. Clean too, I’m sure. I was drinking it for too long for it to be contaminated.”

  Bill’s demeanor changed. He smiled once. “Nice, that’s just what we need. I’ll tell Paul,” and without any more words he walked down the small trap door.

  Something about his smile was off, but I reminded myself that there were bigger issues at hand.

  I tried to sleep, but all I could think of was my wife, her pretty lips, and how much I missed being in her arms, her belly slowly swelling in those weeks before my spelunking trip. I loved everything about her; she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My chest shrank. I shouldn't have gone on that trip alone. I could've picked a pastime that even she would've liked. I could have been with her.

  I stared at the red light hanging from the ceiling. This was real. Everything I had seen: the burned landscape, no one around, not even a plane in the sky. This was real.

  The thought of all those people and all those dreams gone, evaporated, filled me with a dread. It started in my extremities, spread to my heart, rushed to my head and paralyzed me. I wished I could have seen all those people just one more time. Seen Carol instead of trying to get away for another trip to be alone.

  I sat there thinking about Carol. Her touch. Her laugh. I would have to go back to our house and see if Carol was dead. Even a shadow on a wall, like the ones in Hiroshima, would help.

  I picked up the newspapers that lay before me. All alone; billions dead. Tears should have been forming, but they didn't. Inside, a piece of me was glad that I had gone into a cave. Survived. I ground my teeth and got angry with myself for ever thinking that. But perhaps in this new world things would be better. Now, people would be forced to rely on one another. They would care for each other. That would make it a better place.

  Bill and Paul had taken me in like good Samaritans and given me a place to sleep. In the old world I would have just been kicked off their property. Perhaps this was God's way of performing another great flood. It had to be.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, exhaustion finally taking over me. Carol's image floated up to me and as I tried to paw at her, take off her clothes and penetrate her, a loud rumbling sound shook me.

  "Hey, wake up."

  I opened my eyes to see Bill with a shotgun. At least it wasn't pointed at me.

  "What time is it? How long did I sleep?" The room around me was the same; my heart filled with dread as I remembered that the end of the world was still a fact.

  "A couple hours. We figured it would be good to let you gather some strength." He looked over to where Paul was standing.

  I rubbed my eyes. Something was different; I could feel the wake of being talked about echoing through my ears. Paul's eyes weren't angry; they were cold. I glanced at Bill's eyes and his seemed to have the same demeanor. However, they darted off me, and focused on his feet.

  "Get ready, you're gonna show us where the water is," Paul said, his voice wavering between hard and kind.

  "Sure," I mumbled, stood up, and adjusted my belt. "Let's go."

  "You first," Bill said and pointed up the door.

  When we got out it was darker. The sky looked a color I had never seen before. "Nuclear winter, eh? I had always had faith that man
kind would never come to this. That cooler heads would prevail," I said and looked at Bill and Paul. They didn't seem interested.

  "No talking, just move," Paul muttered.

  Bill shook his head. Both of them pulled out a couple of reined sleds with empty containers strapped on them.

  "You mind doing some work?" Bill handed me the reins.

  I took his sled. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Within ten steps I was tired. "This is tough." I cracked a grin, feeling peeved that I would act so weak. Neither of them smiled. Paul only scowled some more.

  "You're lucky we don't hitch both of them on ya," Paul said and spat in my direction.

  I wanted to say something smart, but alarms were going off in my head. Perhaps I'd offended his sensibilities earlier. If so, now was the time to make amends. I stared in front of me and kept marching.

  It took a few hours to reach the cave. I was exhausted. When Bill had said we would switch, he meant I would have one sled at all times. I had yet to earn my keep, I reminded myself. These were, after all, men who had been tested in the aftermath of a nuclear war. Of course they wanted to see how much I could handle. They got to rest. I was going to say something, but Paul's look told me to shut up. We trudged up the side of the cave entrance.

  "Here she is, my humble abode," I said and pointed at the cave's small entrance. "The water is down there."

  "Show us," Paul said.

  I led them down to the small hole I'd dug to get out of the cave.

  "Down there?" Paul asked.

  "Yeah sure, listen." I cocked my head. They fell silent. The sound of running water filled the air.

  They smiled. I tried to smile at Bill, but he stared at the ground.

  "Can we make that hole bigger?" asked Paul.

  I shook my head. "But I can slide through; you two pass me the smallest containers and I can fill them."

  Before they could say anything, I grabbed a flashlight and slid through. On the other end I waited. They pushed through a couple containers. I scooped water and handed it back to them. All the while I could hear them both talking. Bill sounded whiney while Paul talked in short hisses. They probably hadn't seen this much water since the nuclear war.

  I slid out and as I pulled out my torso, wiggling like a worm, I looked up to see Bill, solemn-faced.

  "We got all the water we need right?" I said.

  Bill didn't reply. I looked at his hands. He had the shotgun pointed at me.

  "Bill, what... No." It hit me. "Please don't. My wife. I have to see her."

  "Shutup!" He used a tone I hadn't heard from him yet. It seemed transplanted from Paul. It was devoid of emotion.

  I raised my hands. "Please don't."

  "Your wife is dead. Everyone in Portland died. Not a single survivor. And now, you're dead."

  "Please, Bill. Just let me go, I have to just see if she's alive, my house."

  "You still don't get it. There's nothing. It was a H-bomb, there's only a large crater there."

  "Just let me see," I said as tears streamed down my face. "I really don't care about dying, but if I could see that she's gone. I would be happy."

  Bill shuffled uncomfortably. "You promise not to bother us? Not to come around here?"

  "Yes, I just want to see Portland."

  "You do him in yet?" Paul yelled.

  Bill's face stiffened—emotionless again. He raised the gun to my head. "Sorry," he said in a raised voice. "Can't risk it."

  "Please." I closed my eyes and felt urine rush down the side of my leg. It felt comfortably warm. I always thought I would face death with more honor than that. But I didn't, I was scared that I would die and be a nothing in the lineage of mankind, and I was scared to see the flash of the gun barrel.

  The left side of my head opened to a searing pain, and as I fell to the ground I heard a loud shot. Everything went black.

  I woke up to the sound of rocks sliding. It took all my energy to open my eyes. On the left side of my head was a pulsating pain. I thought I saw shadows. But I was in a corner. The amount of light leaking in through the cave entrance seemed about the same as when I came with Bill and Paul. My stomach rumbled. I felt light headed. I needed food.

  I heard some voices. Shadows at the mouth of the cave moved. Was it Bill and Paul?

  I reached and felt my head.

  Dried blood.

  "What do you think they did in here?" a voice said.

  "Probably buried someone, you heard the shot. And only two came out."

  It wasn't Paul or Bill. I looked around for a place to hide. The last thing I wanted to see was another person who would try to kill me. Bill. Oh, Bill. How could he have been willing to kill me?

  I saw a pile of large boulders and got up, making certain I didn't make any noise. The accents of the shadows above were tainted with twangs. I had to hide. By the time I wedged myself between two boulders a couple of flickering flames came down. My eyes adjusted, but all I saw was two dark figures holding torches. In their other hands were rifles.

  "You see anything?"

  "Nope."

  Both voices were gruff. The figures were large. I stopped breathing.

  I wondered how I'd survive on my own. There was no way around it. I had to ask for help. Where was food to be had in this world? How much longer could I survive without any energy? One month was the accepted science, but I would be worthless by the end of it.

  "Nothing here." One of the figures started to trudge back out of the cave.

  "It had to be something. You saw what I saw. They were in here for a long time. And who was the third fella with them?"

  "Beats me. They probably buried him."

  They seemed to know Paul and Bill. Yet they were talking as if there was some animosity between them. Perhaps my enemy's enemy was my friend.

  I touched my head. It didn't seem to add up that Bill would have missed me from so close. What was my head injury from? Would these men show me mercy? They had to. Perhaps they'd be open to newcomers.

  "Fuck this," said the one who was still in the cave. He walked up and out of the cave.

  My heart beat like a frightened mouse. There was no getting around the fact that if I didn't get help I would die here. No food. No way to get food or know how to get it. I moved out of the wedge. The smell of my blood was strong, sweet and I wondered if the two men, used to the barren wasteland, could have smelled it. I stopped to listen. Feet crunched over rock and retreated into the distance. I would be alone if I didn't say anything.

  As I got out of the cave, the sun was hitting the horizon. Red solar rays lit up the entire sky from west to east. I looked up in awe.

  Click.

  "Well, well. What do we have here?"

  I felt the barrel of a gun slam into the small of my back, and I went flying into the ground. I turned to look. A large man, at least six and a half feet tall and four feet wide stared down at me. The angle of the sun magnified the lines on his face like facture from a painting. He wasn't young, perhaps in his thirties, but he was mean. He made Paul look like kind.

  "Hi, I... I come in peace," I blurted the first non-hostile phrase that came to my mouth.

  The man burst out laughing. "Johnny come look at this weak fella," he said and stepped near me with his hand out as if he was going to help me up. I reached out my hand and felt his power as he picked me up.

  "Thanks, I—"

  With a surprising amount of speed, he swept my legs and sent me flying to the ground.

  "Easy Big Lee," said a skinnier, even older man who looked a spry fifty as he walked over to me. "You weren't trying to get the jump on us were you?"

  "No, not me. I don't want to hurt anyone. See?" I showed him my hands. "I don't have anything. I just need help." Their eyes reminded me of how Paul and Bill looked before they tried to put me down in the cave. "My wife, she's in Portland, I need to find out if she's alive. I was in the cave, just came out."

  "Easy, easy little man." Johnny rested on his haunches next to me.
I noticed that even in this relaxed state, one hand was on his trigger, and the barrel was pointed at me.

  "It's not that I don't want to believe you, I do. But I," he said and looked over at the big man. "We can't afford to trust you. Got it?"

  "No trust?" I asked. It was simple statement, but my head was spinning. I felt like vomiting. It was as if my body couldn't take any more shocks. Perhaps I wasn't made for this new world.

  "None, bud. You come out of the cave after us, all quiet like. What would you think?"

  "But I have nothing. I need some food. Just a little food so I can go to Portland, see my wife." I hoped that somehow I could beg enough to get some help. I needed to see a kind soul. I needed to see some empathy in their eyes. That was all I really cared about.

  "Your wife was in Portland?" A hint of kindness crossed Johnny's eyes.

  "Yes, I was in the cave. Spelunking."

  "Oh, you one of them hiker fellas?"

  "I was, yes."

  "Never liked those hiking hippies, always too condescending. Never let us hunt where we liked," barked the big one.

  "Not me," I said and raised my hands in innocence.

  "Of course you would say that now bud," Johnny said. It was getting dark so I couldn't see whether he was talking with sympathy or disdain.

  "Just some food... Portland," I said, feeling the urge to piss again.

  "Not enough food to go around fella. Can't give you any. Besides, if I did it wouldn't be for something as stupid as going to Portland. Your wife's dead. No one made it out of the cities. The few that did. Well." Johnny glanced at the large man who grinned sheepishly.

  "Okay, okay. Sorry to have disturbed you. I'll be on my way. I'll make it somehow," I said and propped myself up on my elbows, slowly, to make it seem as if I couldn't move.

  Somewhere in the back of my head a voice was getting louder and louder. It was a voice that I hadn't listened to in my entire life, that had given up speaking and was only now finding its volume again. It told me not to be so trusting with what I was doing. It told me to conceal everything. It told me to position myself so my body had leverage to move.