When Gods Fail

by Nelson Lowhim

  I cocked my head; the child of an echo touched my ears. Someone was nearby. I pointed my rifle in the direction of the noise. Silence again. My heart beat against my lungs, almost worried me that it would make too much noise. My stomach churned. It was as if my body was rebelling against another encounter with people. At the same time my mind focused on the land around me with a laser-like intensity. I felt invincible, as if anything could come at me, and I wouldn't have flinched.

  I saw one head appear, then a second one, then the sleds behind them. They were halfway up the hill to the cave. From their walk, movements, I knew it was Paul and Bill. I wrestled with what to do. Carol and rebuilding a new world. But there was also the wife and how I survived so far. My mind clicked. The threat they posed now seemed greater than any existential question I could ask myself. It was more important to have them killed, and save myself, than to worry about how much anguish it would cause me to kill them. They tried to kill me first. I couldn't expect to find peace with them alive.

  I placed Paul in my sights. They were at least 400 meters away. This was an untested rifle. If I missed they could easily hide and launch some counter attack. Then I wouldn't be so lucky. My handguns I'd used several times now, and I knew that they were trustworthy. I slid back from the edge of the peak. Crouching, I ran towards the mouth of the cave. They would take at least a few more minutes, pulling those sleds, to get to the cave.

  I slung the rifle over my shoulder, so it was behind me, and pulled out my two handguns. I double-checked to make sure bullets were chambered. I raised each gun up to my chest. Off to the left of the cave entrance, I waited behind a large rock jutting out from the hill.

  Every other second I'd check behind me, check above me. Two minutes later, I wondered if I'd misjudged which direction they were headed. I looked behind me, tried to listen for some sort of dislodged rock falling down the hill. But I couldn't hear a thing. My heart started to bang against my ribcage. This is a trap, the voice said. You need to get out and at least find higher ground. Find a place where you can shoot them from a long distance, and from where you can hide if anything goes wrong. Coming this close to them will only put you at risk. Fool.

  I was about to turn and find refuge in the higher ground when the sliding sleds with matching footsteps crunched on the other side of the rock.

  "Leave the sleds here, we'll take the containers down, then bring them up one by one."

  "Why don't you stay here with the sleds. I'll get the water myself."

  I could tell there was some tension in Bill's voice. I glanced behind me one last time.

  "What's been gettin' to you Bill? How can you fit through that hole? We'll both go."

  I heard some containers scrape against the sleds. It was now or never.

  I stepped out. Both arms extended with the handguns gripped tight. My foot crunched under some rocks and Paul looked up, startled. I fired into his chest. He looked shocked. I fired again into his face. The shock switched to nothing as he collapsed to the floor.

  Bill stared at me. Fear crept across his face, then an infantile acceptance, not of his fate but of me. It made me pause for a second. But in that second the voice chanted my doubts down. He just lost a friend. Don't make the same mistake as you did with the mother. It's not like he didn't try to kill you. The last cogitation filled me with another second of hesitation before I pulled the trigger. Right in his stomach. He doubled over. I fired another shot into the top of his head. He fell over in a funny position, his ass in the air, before he toppled over to his side.

  It had to be done.

  I walked over to Paul. Checked his pulse. Nothing. Tapped his eyeballs. Nothing. Same with Bill. His face was nice, kind, like a child's. With one hand I covered his face with his shirt. It exposed his belly, but that was better than seeing his face. I followed their trail for a few meters then stopped and waited. Just to see if someone else was with or following them. When I was certain there was no one. I walked back to their bodies. All I could hear was my heart beating. All I could taste was blood in my mouth. I tongued my gums. Blood flowed. It tasted metallic. Good.

  One by one I searched them for anything worth keeping, rolled them on to a sled, dragged them to the edge of the hill, and tipped them over. I hid the sleds above the cave, partially covering them with ash and rocks.

  I picked up a few containers and tied them to my backpack before walking back to the shack. My heart had slowed down and I felt elated, like an invincible ghost. This holy feeling worried me.

  *

  Jenny sat in the same place as when I'd left. I saw her and an anger grew inside me. I didn't care about the previous night. I wanted to see some appreciation for the other things I had done for her.

  Don't be too firm.

  I walked up to her and placed my hand on her shoulder. The same dress, it even had my smell on it. It was probably better not to tell her what had happened.

  The look on Bill's face flashed across my mind again. I felt weak. I felt more human.

  "Change," I said to her, shaking her softly with my hand.

  Her stolid look shook me out of my spell, and I lumbered outside to take a piss. When I came back inside she hadn't moved. "Is there a toilet here? You said you rarely went out."

  She pointed at some small bags. I looked them over. "Well no more wasting bags. From now on you go outside and do your business, got it?"

  Her look was sharp. Empathy rose inside me. I walked over to her. She needed some kind of focus, then she would be able to get over this. "Listen. I don't know what your problem is, but I'm not your enemy."

  Another sneer.

  I looked around the shack again. It needed cleaning. Rearranging. "I ran into Bill and Paul."

  No reaction from her.

  "I think they ran into Big Lee and your father. I finished them off, but I couldn't find your family." I clasped my hand around her shoulder. She nodded slowly. I leaned in to hug her. She stayed stiff. "Sorry," I whispered in her ear.

  I pulled back.

  "I said change, didn't I?" I said in the softest voice I could manage.

  She got up and pulled out another dress. It was white with flowers, though still dirty. She stared at me blankly for a few seconds before I got the message. I walked away and started to arrange the cans in an orderly manner. After a minute I turned to take her in. The dress fell casually on her breasts, her hips. It grabbed all the air from my lungs. Everything in me wanted to take her one more time. It wouldn't matter would it? As far as I was concerned it didn't. No one else in the world but the two of us. Be nicer, I thought.

  I counted the ammunition remaining. I would need more. I decided that tomorrow I would head out to Bill and Paul's place to fish for some ammunition. I perked up trying to remember if there was anyone else with them. They hadn't mentioned any, had they?

  I paused my planning to take Jenny's curves in; it filled me with raw energy. She was beautiful, and she was mine. New world, I reminded myself. There was nothing that mattered but survival. And in the most basic sense we were the last hope for the human race. Pure and simple. She would come to understand that with age. Her eyes moved around the shack and rested on the place we slept the previous night.

  The light peeking through the shack was turning sepia. Another gorgeous sunset. I wanted to enjoy it with her.

  "Listen," I said and strode over to her. She sat on the chair with that grim look on her face. I remembered that she was probably a teenager and still liable to fall into moods. Sooner or later she would come around. I rested on my haunches, my face next to her knees. "Are you thinking about your family?"

  She nodded her head, some tears poured down her cheek. I almost smiled. It wasn't something wrong with me. She obviously was going through a tumultuous time. I took her hands in mine and leaned forward to hug her as she shook.

  "I'm sorry. But I got the men who killed them."

  "Are you certain they're dead?" She leaned back to take in my face. Again she studied me, like she was
looking to poke through my mind.

  I nodded, suppressing a smirk. "Before I killed one he said as much."

  "You didn't say that before."

  "Sorry. They're dead." It was better I said it now and wait for her to get over the loss. I glanced her over. Her cleavage peaked through the top of her dress.

  She cried for a few more minutes. Let her face rest on my chest. I felt like it was the best that I could get out of her. I took her hand, led her outside, and sat us down on a rock with a vista of the land that was ours.

  The sky had managed to outdo itself this time. It bled orange, red and amber, over a sheet of cracked glass, each separate pane a slightly different color.

  "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

  She looked at me, curious, then nodded her head and rested her head on my shoulder. Her hand came down on my other side. I felt calm and collected as the panes in the east slowly turned dark purple then black and spread to the west. When it was done an evil blackness came over the land, and I felt cold. I held her closer, and she hugged me back. We went back inside, and I made us food. After dinner, I laid out some other clothes for a makeshift bed and lay beside her.

  "We'll have to get some work done. You're going to have to help. All right?" I said.

  She nodded her head and buried it in my chest. I pulled her tight, felt her curves with my hands.

  "How did you kill those two men?" she asked.

  The question seemed out of place. Her voice was filled with a certain hunger I couldn't quite understand. "I shot them."

  She looked me in my eye then studied my face. It was an uncomfortable feeling. "How do you feel?"

  I shrugged. I could still see Bill's face. Feel his presence in the room. I could feel Big Lee's words in the room too. Please... Don't. Why burden her with that? "Nothing. They were bad men."

  "Have you killed men before?" she asked.

  Your Family.

  "No," I lied.

  Again she scrutinized my face. Could she tell in the small pauses, the fact that I took a nanosecond more to think, that I was lying? No, she was too young.

  "They were our only neighbors," she said.

  "How can you be certain?" I said, trying to change the direction of the conversation.

  "Pa said so. He said there was no one around for miles."

  "Well we can't be certain, there is a lot of exploring to do," I said.

  I had the plan in my head. Each day pick a direction and walk. I had to find soft soil. I had to find a way to live. The rations around us wouldn't last more than a year, if we were lucky. I wanted to find a place that was well hidden, better protected. I also wanted to find people.

  "And you killed them. The only other people." She finally held eye contact with me for a few seconds before she shifted her gaze somewhere behind me.

  What was she getting at? I wanted to dig into her mind. Now. Now. Now. "What are you trying to say?" I nudged her. "That I shouldn't have defended myself?"

  "You were defending yourself?" she asked. Her voice strained with doubt.

  "Yes. Do you think they gave your family a chance?"

  "One man can't kill two people unless he surprises them."

  She stayed silent. I did too.

  "I did." My voice cracked as I said it.

  She moved her body away from me. Though it was only a few inches, the distance scared me. As if I was on the edge of a cliff, wind whipping on my back. How could I possibly get to her? Did she know the lie about her family? Could she sense the killer inside me? This wasn't fair. She had to be on my side. We were the only two people left. We had nothing but each other. Why didn't she see that?

  "Listen," I waited for her to look at me. "Could you please tell me what's going on with you?"

  She looked at me. "I don't know," she said.

  "Please understand that I am trying to help. Would you rather I leave?"

  Nothing. But her eyes seemed to jump at the thought.

  "Is that it? What will you do? Who will protect you? You think the next men that find you will to be nice to you?" I drew in some air. "We are the only people around, so we need to stick together." I looked for her hands. "I know the land looks daunting, but there's hope. We have a chance to make something here. Sooner or later we'll find people and we can build something together. Do you understand?"

  She didn't reply.

  The next day, using the hills as cover, I took her to Bill and Paul's container. The walk took a few hours. I went inside first, searched everything. They had dug out several different chambers for themselves. I grabbed as much ammunition as I could, gave a load to Jenny and headed back. It took a few days going back and forth to clear their place out of everything useful. Their food doubled our rations. They had kerosene lanterns, batteries, radios, grenades, a machine gun with several belts, tripwires, oil, generators, filters, knives, acetylene torch, steel beams, other survival items, and books; books on survival, on growing, on surviving a nuclear holocaust. I wondered if this literature was based on actual knowledge.

  When we transferred everything, I made another decision to move to the cave. The shack was too small. Jenny seemed all right with the move, if a little recalcitrant. Every time I said something, she would listen, do a task but stayed away from looking at me or speaking a word.

  I let her be. She needed to mourn her family. And now, more than ever, I felt a strong connection to her, as if we were finally a couple.

  *

  "I'm going to burn down their place tomorrow. We got everything we wanted from it," I said.

  We were sleeping together in the cave. I'd managed to cover the entrance so that it was hidden. I'd glued rocks on a metal sheet for a door. Someone might have found it if they looked closely, but for the most part the concealment was perfect. The cave was now home. And I hoped that being away from the shack would help her forget her family quicker. I threw the blanket away as well. Better to eliminate the evidence of that night.

  "Why?" she asked.

  Her words startled me. Spoken softly, they broke her silent cocoon like a sledgehammer. I could smell her clothes, her sex. I wanted her, but I didn't want her to contradict me, or ask too many questions. "What do you mean?"

  "I mean didn't you say you wanted to build something in the world? How can you do that if you're burning things down?" she said.

  "Yes, we'll build things soon, but that place could become a hiding place for our enemies," I said. Her glare made me feel like an insect.

  "How do you know there's anyone around?"

  "I don't." Her questions were angering me. "Besides maybe the fire could attract people as a signal," I said as the thought came to me.

  "But you just said they could be our enemies," she said, feigning patience.

  I fought the urge to shake or slap her. I was not a monster. "Okay we won't burn it."

  "You can do what you want. I was only asking." She turned away from me.

  I spent the rest of my night staring at her back and the black emptiness that was our cave. It felt so cozy. That feeling turned into a sense of injustice at the cards that I had been dealt. I hadn't asked to be attacked. Self-defense had been my only choice. I couldn't explain that to her anymore. If she ever found out that she was with the man who killed her family, she would certainly end me then and there.

  Jenny agreed to come with me. She scared me when she pulled out a rifle and filled it with ammunition with a learned smoothness. She was better with guns than I was. The thought frightened me—she could kill me any time she chose, as my guard was always down around her—and also filled me with hope—she hadn't tried to kill me yet. Why? With another handgun tucked under her dress, she came along with me. The hills were rocky, a tortuous up and down.

  "We'll sleep here," I said and pointed to some rocks. We'd been walking for almost an entire day. Jenny had once again reverted to silence, and stared at the place my finger aimed at. That all the space she touched seemed to come to life, that I hoped to be in her good graces again, m
ade me realize that I loved her. The romantic in me still wanted to fall on my knees and ask her forgiveness. The voice, the one that threw my eyes to every shadow and place where the wind rustled, told me never to try such a thing and show weakness. It had a point. Her silence was driving my mind to spin. I had to leave her.

  "I'm going to check out the surrounding area," I said and walked off over a rise in land. We had come to stop in a saddle between two satellite peaks. The ground here was as dirty and rocky as anywhere else. I kept an eye out for plant shoots. Waiting to see if life was slowly rearing its head, but I couldn't see anything.

  I walked up one peak, sat down and listened. The suns rays were getting weaker, and soon darkness would crash all around me. I looked at the overcast sky and realized that it wasn't lighting up like it usually did. I smelled the air. Nothing. It was depressing. I couldn't smell soil; I couldn't smell myself; the only sound was a distant wind carving up the world like it had done before mankind and it would do long after us; it would only stop when the atmosphere burned up and drifted away as the sun turned into a red dwarf.

  What was I striving towards here? A life with Jenny? So our kids could grow up in a land like this with no hope—or the slim hope that there was another group of people out there? Then when the possibilities were exhausted, would they revert to incest? What a life. It would be mercy to end that right now. And for all that, I knew a smile from Jenny would change my mind in a heartbeat. And what if we found a group right now? Would they accept us?

  I walked back down and up to the next satellite peak. This one was more of a dark brown color. I kicked the rocks. It was the same as before. Nothing could grow in this hard soil. The sky was still overcast and only lost its light as the sun set. The lack of color only added to my sense of loss and I walked back to Jenny.

  Jenny was under the blanket when I returned.