The Purity Myth

by Jessica Valenti

  Instead, the fact that sex is supposed to be pleasurable is often omitted from sex talks with teen girls.do Teenage girls’ authentic desire—as opposed to the manufactured sexuality that’s integral to Girls Gone Wild or to playing it up for guys—is a touchy subject for most. Young women’s sexuality has become so disassociated from actual young women that it’s tough to know how to begin reconnecting them with it.

  We’re living in a time when simply talking about women’s pleasure is taboo in itself and is considered dangerous by the virginity movement, since that kind of discussion frees women’s sexuality from its restrictive only-for-procreation, only-when-married, only-when-straight boundaries.

  But when women’s pleasure is being pathologized, it’s imperative that we teach young women that there is nothing wrong with having sex because it feels good, that their desires and pleasure are important, and that sexuality should be—as Millar says—the presence of a “yes,” not the absence of a “no.”

  I also believe in giving young women the room to explore sexually, and even make mistakes, without being judged. It’s part of the learning process, and most of us have been through it.

  A feminist backlash of sorts has taken place recently against the hypersexualized culture I’ve discussed in previous chapters—naturally, it’s not just the virginity movement that takes issue with sexualizing girls and the mainstreaming of porn. Feminists, who have been speaking out against the sexual objectification of women since the ’60s, have also been publicly debating this issue.

  Leading the charge against what she calls raunch culture is Ariel Levy, author of Female Chauvinist Pigs. Levy contends that young women participating in raunch culture do so by using “empowerment” as their excuse. They believe they’re doing something feminist if they flash their breasts or have a faux-lesbian make-out session for a boy’s benefit. Feminist Susan Brownmiller, author of the seminal book on rape Against Our Will: Men, Women, and Rape, said in Levy’s book, “You think you’re being brave, you think you’re being sexy, you think you’re transcending feminism. But that’s bullshit.”14

  Levy’s book is dead-on in many cases—when she discusses how raunch culture promotes inauthentic, performance-based female sexuality, for example—but she fails in that she seems to have little sympathy for the women she interviews, who she assumes are fooling themselves into thinking they’re happy with what raunch culture has given them. And I’m sure in many cases, Levy is right. But I think we should give women a little more credit.

  As reporter Kara Jesella wrote in 2005, “Participating in raunch culture may not always be a feminist act, but that doesn’t make those engaging in it antifeminists—or deluded.” She continues, “Levy rails against a culture in which ‘the only alternative to enjoying Playboy is being ‘uncomfortable’ with or ‘embarrassed’ about your sexuality. But I know lots of women for whom there is a middle ground between rabid antiporn Dworkinizing and Girls Gone Wild vapidity.”15

  We should be giving young women some space to work out that middle ground—it’s one way many young women come of age. Noted feminist Jennifer Baumgardner took on Levy’s book in an article that asserted that though the new porned culture that further sexualizes women is a problem, telling young women they’re being taken advantage of isn’t necessarily the best way to effect change. A better approach, in Baumgardner’s opinion, would be to own up to the fact that many women find their sexual footing through trial and error—and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

  If pressed, I’d venture that at least half of my sexual experiences make me cringe when I think about them today. Taking top honors [are] the many times I made out with female friends in bars when I was in my early 20s . . . . I’m embarrassed about the kiss-around-the-circles, but if I didn’t have those moments , I’m not sure I ever would have found my way to the real long-term relationship I have today. If all my sexual behavior had to be evolved and reciprocal and totally revolutionary before I had it, I’d never have had sex.16

  Trusting women means also trusting them to find their way. This isn’t to say, of course, that I think women’s sexual choices are intrinsically “empowered” or “feminist.” I just believe that in a world that values women so little, and so specifically for their sexuality, we should be giving them the benefit of the doubt. Because in this kind of hostile culture, trusting women is a radical act.

  A PERFECT WORLD

  Making sex moral and doing away with the myth of sexual purity are about more than trusting young women’s sexual choices. They’re about trusting women, period. Because if you can’t trust women with sex, then you can’t trust them with choices about family, about relationships, about anything. In a perfect world, our moral choices would not be seen through a filter that always includes sexuality.

  IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE WOMEN’S SEXUALITY WAS SEEN AS NATURAL AND MORAL.

  Natalie Angier, a science writer for The New York Times, wrote a wonderful book called Woman: An Intimate Geography, in which she discusses the myth that women are innately less sexual than men—a myth that the virginity movement often uses to its advantage: “Women are said to have lower sex drives than men, yet they are universally punished if they display evidence to the contrary—if they disobey their ‘natural’ inclination towards a stifled libido.”17 Women’s sexuality and desire are natural, and we need to frame these concepts as morally sound if we want to free our daughters from the confines imposed on them now. As Angier writes, “How can we know what is ‘natural’ for us when we are treated as unnatural for wanting our lust, our freedom, the music of our bodies?” In a perfect world, women would be allowed to seek, and would be celebrated for seeking, that music.

  IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE WE BELIEVE YOUNG WOMEN KNOW WHEN IT’S BEST FOR THEM TO HAVE A CHILD.

  Whether we’re attaching age-consent laws to abortion or imposing age limitations on birth control access, we don’t trust young women to be able to control their own bodies. The truth is, most women—including young women—who choose to have abortions do so out of concern for their existing children, or for the children they’ll have in the future. It’s time to put to rest the stereotypes about women having abortions out of “convenience” or selfishness. Trusting young women means letting them make decisions about their bodies and their future, whether they’re about access to emergency contraception, abortion, or even having children.dp

  IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE TRUSTING YOUNG WOMEN MEANT TRUSTING ALL YOUNG WOMEN.

  In a perfect world, queer women’s sexual and life choices would be seen as moral, too. Young women of color wouldn’t be sexualized to the point of being dehumanized. Low-income women wouldn’t be automatically misjudged as irresponsible. In a perfect world, these women would be seen as women—nothing less. The laws affecting women other than the perfect virgin are built on distrust: mandatory waiting periods for abortions that disproportionately affect low-income and rural women who can’t take time off from work (or who need to travel long distances to get to their nearest provider); or the Hyde Amendment, which prevents federal Medicaid funding for abortion; or laws regarding violence against women that define some women as “acceptable” victims and others as asking for it just by existing. In a perfect world, all women would be trusted.

  IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE WE HAD THE MORAL HIGH GROUND.

  For too long, we’ve ceded the language of morality to conservatives, and it’s time we took it back. There is nothing morally upstanding about fetishizing young girls’ virginity through abstinence-only education and purity balls. There is nothing moral about virginity pledges—just the opposite, in fact.

  The purity myth relies on something George Lakoff calls “strict father morality,” a paternalistic model of morality based in part on sexist hierarchies in which the “natural order” includes the idea that “men are naturally more powerful than women.”

  A traditional nuclear family with the father having primary responsibility for the well-being of the household. The mother has day-to-day
responsibility for the care of the house and details of raising the children. But the father has primary responsibility for setting overall family policy, and the mother’s job is to be supportive of the father and to help carry out the father’s views on what should be done. Ideally, she respects his views and supports them.18

  The virginity movement relies on this framing of morality, but it’s flawed—because at the center of “strict father morality” is the assumption that men, rather than women themselves, know what’s best for women—and it’s precisely what we need so desperately to turn around. (I’d call our new model of morality “wise mother morality” if it didn’t reek so badly of cheesy goddess feminism!)

  Imagine a world where moral turpitude for women was based on our making decisions for ourselves—not on our bodies, our sexuality, our skin color, or the number of sexual partners we’ve had. Imagine a world where women had nothing to be ashamed of.

  Now imagine how we can make it happen.

  CHAPTER 10

  post-virgin world

  “For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?”

  BELL HOOKS

  ABSTINENCE CLASSES THAT tell girls they’re dirty and used unless they “save it”; a culture that doesn’t believe women who are raped; porn-based beauty standards for our genitals; a moral compass for young women that’s based solely on sexuality. . . . There’s no doubt that we have a difficult fight ahead of us, but I know we’re up for it.

  Taking on the purity myth, which is so entrenched in our culture, seems like an impossible task. After all, how can we simply “do away” with the notion of virginity? Even if virginity doesn’t exist, try making that part of the mainstream conversation! How can we dismantle something as old and foundational as the virgin/whore complex? Sure, we can teach young people that the sexual double standard is wrong, but will they really hear it? And, of course, teaching young women to value themselves for something other than their sexuality is one thing; teaching society to wholly value young women is another story entirely.

  The good news, however, is that challenging a culture that respects young women so little doesn’t have to be a larger-than-life mission. We can chip away at it, bit by bit. Even better news is that a lot of Americans already are! They’re organizing, blogging, getting together, and fighting back on many of the issues in this book. And you can, too.

  CREATE MEDIA, GET ONLINE

  The mainstream media is mammoth, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do something about the way it affects young women. Not only are existing watchdog organizations doing incredible work taking the mainstream media to task, but they’re also creating new kinds of media that have a more positive view of women. And with the advent of the Internet, more and more everyday Americans are becoming citizen journalists and online activists.

  For example, the hypersexualization of young women in the media—be it through fetishizing youth or running thousands of Girls Gone Wild stories that paint an inaccurate picture of young womanhood—is being addressed by organizations, blogs, and campaigns. Take New Moon Media, a girl-run organization that offers a positive magazine for girls, a blog, and action areas for girls and their parents; or WIMN’s Voices, a group blog by almost fifty women who tackle media issues. (For a full list of blogs, see the Resources section at the end of the book.)

  There’s also the Real Hot 100 campaign—a project that aims to showcase young women’s important work across the country and counter the negative image of young women in pop culture. Campaigns like this not only arm young women with a critical eye for unflattering media representations of them, but also highlight nonsexualized, positive images.

  Such organizations aren’t the only groups doing this important work. People all over the United States are making a difference simply by getting on their computers. One of the great things about the Internet is that we all have the opportunity to be media makers. According to one recent survey, there were more than 22.6 million bloggers in the United States in 2007, and more than 94 million blog readers.1

  These blogs are opening up the Internet to more and more voices and opinions—voices that perhaps otherwise wouldn’t be heard. Just look at the feminist blogosphere; ten years ago, if a woman wanted to be a prominent feminist voice, she had to be part of an elite national organization based in New York City or Washington, D.C. Now all she needs is a laptop!

  Countering the conventional wisdom about bloggers—that we’re just snarky writersdq—is a tremendous amount of activism in the blog world. We’re not just engaging in media criticism and news analysis—we’re highlighting the work of local organizations, encouraging readers to participate in “real-life” actions, and proposing ways (from writing letters to sexist companies to developing bigger, theoretical ideas) to change a culture that so disdains women. (We’re even affecting legislation—see the “Affect Legislation” section below for more on this topic.)

  And the wonderful thing about using the blogosphere for media activism is that users can choose their level of engagement—you don’t have to be a blogger to get involved in that world. Perhaps you’re interested in women’s rights. You can simply inform yourself by reading different blogs that cover the issues you care about, but you can also join in on the conversation by writing in the comments section or sending the blog to your friends. If you’re ready to take even more action, you can start your own blog. Some sites, like Feministing.com, even allow you start your blog on their community site so you have a built-in readership. Any way you cut it, there are myriad ways you can participate.

  GET ORGANIZING, GET EDUCATING

  Creating new media and getting online are just two pieces of the larger struggle. We have to get more organized—because the virginity movement is not only well funded but also extremely well organized. As I wrote in Chapter 5, we are making strides against abstinence-only education—states are refusing funding and making comprehensive sex education a priority—but that doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods. In October 2008, Congress voted to extend funding for the Community-Based Abstinence Education Program (CBAE) through September 2009, which means, among other disturbing things, that crisis pregnancy centers across the country will get hundreds of thousands of dollars to continue to lie to women.2 And state funding aside, the virginity movement is far from giving up on its most successful venture.

  In addition to launching more nationwide campaigns through nonprofit organizations, purity advocates are also (smartly) rebranding their image. Perhaps recognizing that leaders like Leslie Unruh, known for being eccentric and extremist, were hurting their message, they decided to go more “mainstream.” For example, the Medical Institute (formerly known as the Medical Institute of Sexual Health), which receives government funding, touts itself as a credible medical organization: Its website claims, “MI was founded to confront the global epidemics of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). We identify and evaluate scientific information on sexual health and promote healthy sexual decisions and behaviors by communicating credible scientific information.”3 Sounds pretty good, but the Medical Institute is in fact an abstinence-only organization that spreads false statistics about contraception; it even got funding to teach abstinence-only education to medical students. The movement is sneaking toward the mainstream, meaning we have to be that much more vigilant in our organizing.

  It’s not enough just to pay attention to the news and blogs and take action when abstinence education is up for refunding; we have to be more proactive. For example, ACLU’s Take Issue, Take Charge website lists different ways for you to get involved, as does SIECUS, which has a community action site.4 We can advocate for comprehensive sex education in our communities, our states, and even on the national level; and, most important, we can encourage our kids to get informed and get involved in their schools. Just an example: Tori Shoe
maker and Cheyenne Byrd, two eighth graders in St. Louis, protested their school’s abstinence-only education program by wearing shirts to school that were adorned with condoms spelling out SAFE SEX OR NO SEX. They were suspended for two days for acting out, but their story got national media attention and they got to be local safe-sex heroes!

  Taking action can also be as easy as educating the people in your life about the issues you care about. Take the sexualization of girls, for example. In Durham’s The Lolita Effect, she offers readers “strategies for resistance” that I think are incredibly useful, and not just for parents—they’re for anyone who cares about the ways in which young women are sexualized. Durham encourages giving young people tools to assess pop culture critically, including media-literacy education—which she believes should be a required part of K-12 curricula—and encouraging creativity in girls by giving them outlets, like creating a website or a project that combats sexualized images. Durham also proposes increased consumer action, like sending emails to corporations. These are all great ways to fight back against the purity myth, one issue at a time.

  Education is a key part of stopping the epidemic of violence against women. However, in addition to educating women and taking legislators to task, we also must talk to men and boys about ending violence against women. Organizations like Men Against Violence Against Women5 and Stop Violence6 are a great place to get info and tips for educating the men in your life.

  AFFECT LEGISLATION

  There are too many horrid laws on the books, or in the works, for us not to focus some energy on changing legislation and policy. You can follow legislation that affects women by being a regular blog reader or by signing up for action alerts from organizations like the Family Violence Prevention Fund, NOW, or NARAL Pro-Choice America. (For a full list of blogs and organizations, see the Resources section.)