Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "I know it is, but I love you and I want you with me. I should confess that I designed that house with you in mind. When I pictured myself living there I never wanted it to be alone."

  "You've been planning this for that long?" I ask shocked.

  Adam chuckles lightly. "No, not exactly. I told you when we first met I wanted a house I could raise a family in. I didn't know yet that I wanted that family with you."

  "And I warned you that you might meet a woman who already had a house," I tease remembering the time we went house hunting together. It seems like such a long time ago.

  He smiles brightly. "You were right about that I suppose. But I think I told you I'd make sure my house was something the woman couldn't refuse."

  I nod my head, which is now swarmed with thoughts about Adam's house and his crazy plan for me to live there too. I have to admit I've been jealous of that house since I saw the blueprints but the idea of my actually living there is frightening. I don't know how I would explain to Tommy that I was taking his kids to live with another man. If I remarried, sure, he'd have to accept it. But now? After only dating Adam a few months? It seems soon to be uprooting the kids from their home.

  "You could rent your house out for a while if you wanted, so the change wouldn't have to be quite so permanent," Adam says guessing at the direction of my thoughts.

  "If I did move out of my house Tommy would probably want to move back in. He hates the apartment."

  Adam seems pleased with that. "Then he could keep Tyler and Gabby's rooms the same for when they stayed with him. Wouldn't that make it an easier transition for them?"

  "It sounds like a wonderful idea, but I think we're getting ahead of ourselves. I'm not sure how any of this would work. Let me sleep on it a few nights, okay?"

  Adam gave me a small smile and kissed my forehead. "I knew you'd say that. Of course, take all the time you need. Andrew says he needs another four to five weeks at least before we pick paint colors."

  I roll my eyes, not sure if he really heard what I said. The idea of living with Adam is exciting and I really want to say yes, but I have to think about my kids first. "Alright, we'll talk about it later. Let's finish these lights and then get back inside. Everyone should be arriving soon."

  Inside the house I see guests are starting to filter in. I finish up preparations by bringing out food and drinks from the kitchen and Adam goes to chat with Dad in the living room. Tyler is running around like he had straight sugar for breakfast. I love seeing how happy he is. His friend Aiden shows up first and then a few other boys from his kindergarten class follow.

  An hour later the house is crowded with people I love; the adults mingle around the food while the six year olds are chasing each other around the house with Nerf guns. It's a lot of work hosting but I'm glad to do it because it feels good to have a happy occasion to celebrate. Rebecca is helping me in the kitchen, cleaning up the wrapping paper after Tyler opens his gifts, and serving pieces of birthday cake.

  Tommy invited Nikki and at the time I just thought the more the merrier but she's acting strange around me; breaking eye contact quickly and being overly eager to make herself useful. I caught her under the dining room table picking up crumbs after Gabby and Chloe ate their cupcakes there. And when I start tying up a bag of trash she offers to take it out to the garage for me.

  "What's up with Miss Helpful?" Rebecca whispers as we tackle a pile of dirty dishes together.

  "I think she feels guilty for boning my ex husband," I joke.

  "I thought Tommy said they weren't sleeping together?" Rebecca gasps.

  "He did, but I suspect something's changed since then. Tommy's been in a really good mood all week and Nikki's just acting so weird, even for Nikki," I snicker. "I wouldn't be surprised at all if he tells me that they're dating."

  "You're not upset about that? It probably means that you were right, that they've liked each other since high school," Rebecca says glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one's behind us.

  I hand her a large serving platter I just finished washing. "I know I'm right about that! I'm actually kind of hoping they do get together. I have some news for Tommy and that would make it a little bit easier on me."

  Rebecca freezes and whispers, "Are you pregnant?"

  "What? No!"

  "Oh, sorry. Are you and Adam adopting Chloe then?"

  "Stop trying to guess," I hiss. "Adam's going to give Chloe to Bianca and Andrew. But don't say anything, he's telling them today."

  "So is that what you have to tell Tommy?"

  Now it's me looking over my shoulder for eavesdroppers. "No. Adam asked me and the kids to move in with him when his house is finished," I say quietly. "He's crazy, right? Isn't it too soon?" Rebecca bites her lip, looking guilty. "Becca? What's wrong?"

  "I can't say it's too soon for you guys considering Eric and I just decided to get an apartment together," she whispers guiltily.

  "You little minx," I tease. "I never thought the day would come when Rebecca Thatcher and Eric Conners were shacking up!"

  "Shhhh!" Rebecca says as her face turns red.

  "What are we shushing?" Brett asks with a big smile on his face. I can't tell whether or not he overheard us.

  "Oh, hey Brett," I say nonchalantly.

  He eyes us curiously and then apparently decides to let it go. "Adam told me to tell you that Alexander is ready when you are."

  "Oh, great! Thank you," I turn off the water and dry my hands on a dish towel.

  "We need to talk later," Rebecca says as I walk past her. I nod my head subtly; it seems like we both need to have a girl talk. I'm so happy to hear she's moving in with Eric but I know Rebecca and I'm sure she's having serious doubts already. I'm having the same doubts and I haven't even agreed to anything yet.

  "Come on everyone," I say walking into the living room. "Let's all go outside for the magic show!"

  Everyone gathers in the back yard, the kids sitting cross legged on the patio and all the adults sitting in folding chairs and patio furniture behind them. Alexander has hung a large banner under the Christmas lights that he must use for all his performances that says ALEXANDER THE MAGNIFICENT in gold sparkle letters. Paige stands beside him dressed in a red and purple assistant's costume. She has her black hair in pigtails; her outfit is a red and purple striped corset top and a purple tutu to match. She's wearing pantyhose over her legs and thick heeled red shoes not unlike something Dorothy might have worn to Oz. They look adorable together, smiling at one another and seem perfectly comfortable performing for a bunch of chatty six year olds.

  I take a seat between Caroline and Adam, taking his hand and interlacing our fingers together. Adam smiles down at me and I know he's putting on a brave face. Asking a woman to move in with you and then having her respond with a 'let me think about it' is probably a bruise on his ego. Squeezing his hand I hope he knows that my resistance is not at all reflective of how I feel about him. If I was single I'd be upstairs packing my stuff right now. He understood that the decision of where to place Chloe was more about what was best for her and not necessarily what he wanted. I hope he understands that the same is true for me. I have to live wherever is best for Tyler and Gabby. It's the reason I'm trapped here in Swainsboro and it's why I couldn't shout yes and jump into his arms earlier like I would have done if my life was the only one that would have changed as a result.

  Pushing thoughts of cohabitation with Adam from my mind I try to focus my attention on Alexander and Paige. Their magic act is really amazing. Having Paige assist brings a whole new level of entertainment to Alexander's show. She is so cute up there acting surprised when Alexander says he's going to saw her in half. She covers her eyes like it's going to hurt and all the kids laugh at the expression she makes when she looks down and her legs are two feet away in another magic box. My favorite part is when Alexander puts a cute white rabbit in a black box and makes it disappear. He tells all the kids to look under their legs for the rabbit and everyone searches the floor a
round the crowd. Then Paige gasps and points to Alexander's head. He makes the rabbit appear from under his silky black top hat to the amazement of all the children and most of the adults. Gabby nearly pees her pants from laughter seeing the white rabbit sitting comfortably on top of Alexander's head.

  After the show Alexander gives silly string to Tyler and Gabby and they proceed to chase the other kids around our yard trying to spray them. Through the screams and laughter coming from the yard I hear Adam tell me he's going to go change Chloe's diaper.

  "Okay, thank you. While you're inside can you see if she'll eat any of that hot dog I cut up for her? It's in the kitchen."

  "I'll try," Adam replies. "I'm starting to think Lindsey had her on a vegetarian diet the way she turns her nose up at everything we offer her."

  l just smile knowing that two year olds are notoriously picky eaters. After Adam's gone Caroline turns to me and takes her opportunity to ask if Adam's made a decision yet about the adoption. "How long is he going to drag his feet?" she wonders. "That little girl is going to get so confused getting bounced around from your house to mine to the B&B. It's not good for her."

  "I'm thinking it will be soon," I say. Even though I know that he's made up his mind, I'm not sure how Adam plans to tell Bianca and Andrew so I keep my lips sealed.

  "I hope so. Bianca is beside herself. I don't even know what she'll do if Adam decides to go through with the adoption on his own. Gregory and I both think that Chloe is better off having two parents but we've agreed not to put in our two cents anymore."

  "Is Bianca still trying to get pregnant?" I ask hoping to move the conversation off Adam.

  "Yes. I told her to give it a few more months; if she isn't pregnant by the Winter Gala then submit her adoption application. She's had the paperwork filled out for months."

  "Speaking of the Gala, I went to Savannah twice last week and began drawing the stores along River Street. Do you think those people would really be interested in buying copies of my maps?" I ask awkwardly. I never thought what started as an idea for my high school art project could be seen as valuable to anyone, but Caroline had been so confident when we last spoke about it.

  "That's fabulous news, Amanda! I'll tell the event coordinators that you're working on it. I'm sure they'll be interested in buying it. Let me know when you have enough completed that I can show them a draft. Oh, I am so excited for you!" Caroline exclaims clapping her hands together.

  Suddenly Bianca is standing behind me. "What's exciting news? Are you and Adam adopting Chloe?" she asks, her voice quivering.

  "What? No," I reply caught completely off guard by her sudden appearance.

  "So you're not adopting her?" she presses.

  Caroline's eyes pop open. "Has Adam told you what he's doing?"

  I quickly hide my face in my hands because I am the worst at keeping secrets. My emotions can be read all over my face like they're written on my forehead with a Sharpie pen. "You should really talk to Adam," I mumble.

  "Amanda! What did he tell you?" Bianca demands.

  I know all her hopes are hanging on this decision, but it's not my place to say anything. I look around for something that will save me from this conversation with these pushy Brickman women because they will break me, I know it. No kids are crying and I don't see anyone badly in need of a drink refreshing. Then Adam walks past the sliding glass door holding a fork in his hand with a piece of hot dog speared on the tip. He's hunched over following Chloe around the kitchen trying to get her to take a bite. His dedication makes me smile.

  "Let's go find Adam," I say to Caroline and Bianca.

  They don't complain and follow me into the house. I hope Adam doesn't feel bombarded but I have no choice. The cat is halfway out of the bag anyway and he needs to just give his family the news now before Bianca has a stroke. When we get inside Adam is pleading with Chloe.

  "Please take one bite, honey? It tastes really good."

  "No!" Chloe replies adamantly.

  "Then what do you want to eat?"

  "Juice!"

  "Chloe, you have juice in your cup. How about a hamburger, or potato salad, or corn?" he offers naming some of the food that remains on the kitchen table.

  "Juice!"

  Adam groans and stands up straight. I glance at Bianca and say, "you sure you want this job?"

  Bianca ignores me. "Adam, Amanda tells us you aren't adopting her?"

  "That's not exactly what I said," I defend myself. "But it might be time to tell everyone what you told me earlier."

  Adam frowns and then looks down at Chloe. "Why don't you go outside and play with Gabby, sweetheart?" Chloe smiles and runs outside to join the other kids. As soon as she's gone Caroline and Bianca swarm Adam.

  "I'll go get Andrew," I say quietly to Adam and he nods.

  I find Andrew in the garage drinking beers with Brett and Xander, who has already changed out of his magician's costume. I say hello to them and thank Xander again for doing a pro bono show for my son. Andrew is taking a long swig of his beer when I bend my index finger towards myself, signaling for him to follow me.

  "What's up?" he asks confused.

  "Adam is about to make an announcement," I say and I can't keep the smile from spreading across my face. I think Andrew understands what's about to happen because he hands his beer to his brother and smiles wide as he comes to join me inside the house.

  A crowd is gathering in the kitchen. In addition to Caroline and Bianca, Adam is now also surrounded by Gregory, Paige, and Dad. I walk in with Andrew, Alexander, and Brett trailing behind and it's safe to say Adam is feeling a bit intimidated with so many pairs of eyes on him. I move through the bodies to stand by his side and he slips his hand into mine immediately. He smiles down and me and squeezes my hand.

  "So, um, after a lot of heartfelt consideration and many sleepless nights I have come to the conclusion that what's best for me in this incredibly difficult and confusing situation also happens to be what I feel is best for Chloe. Bianca, Andrew, I hope your offer is still good because I really feel like Chloe deserves the loving family I know you would provide for her."

  Bianca shrieks and runs up to Adam to hug him. He lets go of my hand in favor of returning the hug. Andrew walks up behind her with more composure and self restraint but wearing the brightest smile I've ever seen on his face. He places his hand supportively on Adam's shoulder and leans his forehead against Bianca's temple.

  "I take it you guys accept?" Adam jokes while Bianca's arms are still flung around his neck. They are entwined in a weird kind of three way hug and Andrew laughs before taking a step back.

  Bianca turns to hug her husband and I see tears streaming down her face. Andrew comforts his wife and looks over her shoulder to say to Adam, "Thank you, bro."

  Adam just smiles and nods his head. He reaches out to pull me into his side and I can see that he's content with his decision. Seeing Bianca and Andrew so happy is surely a rewarding experience for him. They are sharing the same kind of elation that I felt when my children were born and I suppose from their perspective Adam's announcement has unofficially just made them new parents. Witnessing their happiness reassures me that Adam has found a way for all of us to have a happy ending from the mess that Lindsey left us with a month ago.

  Hugs are shared all around with the other family members and then everyone has questions for Adam, Bianca and Andrew, and even me. "Will their adoption be legal?" asks Gregory. "When will you get to take her home with you?" Paige says next. "Are you changing her last name to Brickman?" Caroline wonders. "This must be a relief for you, huh Amanda?" Brett says. Finally, Dad asks, "Where is the lucky little girl, anyway?"

  Everyone looks around and we all realize that Chloe is still outside playing with the other kids. Bianca wipes a few remaining tears from her eyes and walks to the sliding glass door to get a glimpse of her new daughter. The crowd of people in my kitchen all look out to the back yard and watch Gabby and Chloe chasing the boys around trying to keep up with t
hem. The silly string must have run out because now it looks like a game of freeze tag has begun.

  "I don't want to interrupt her playtime," Bianca says.

  "Let's go play with them," Andrew suggests. "Brett, Xander, grab those Nerf guns from the living room."

  The guys' eyes light up as they run off to collect guns and ammo. Adam looks to me for permission to act less than his age for a while and I roll my eyes. "You're just a big kid. Go. Play. The women will help me clean up."

  Adam leans down to kiss my cheek and whispers, "Thanks, babe," in my ear.

  "Yeah, yeah," I say faking resentment. The truth is I love watching him play with my kids.

  It's even more touching to see Adam play with his brothers. Paige, Bianca, and I watch the three Brickman boys run around the back yard shooting each other with bright orange Nerf darts. Andrew kneels down behind Aiden and uses him like a human shield. Tyler comes to his friend's rescue by jumping on Andrew back trying to pull him to the ground. On the other side of the yard Adam is holding Gabby in his arms showing her how to pull the trigger and shoot. Tyler's other friends are running around gathering ammo and bringing it to Alexander who seems to be accumulating the biggest stockpile. Andrew breaks away from Tyler and Aiden and runs across the yard to pick up Chloe. He swings her around, making her laugh. Together they run over to the one tree in my yard to take cover as Alexander starts shooting darts in their direction.

  "Oh mercy, it's as if they never grew up," Caroline comments.

  Gregory chuckles, "If I wasn't afraid of throwing out my back I'd be out there with them."

  "How about a cigar instead?" Dad offers.

  "Sure, George. That sounds great. None of you say anything about seeing the town's pediatrician enjoying a stogie, okay?" Gregory says looking around at all of us remaining in the kitchen.

  "Our lips are sealed," Paige laughs.

  "I'll go open the garage door so you guys can smoke out there," I say to my dad and Gregory. "You'll probably get hit with a little friendly fire if you try to go out back."