A sense of calm falls over me. Or maybe it’s the knowledge she wanted Luca to come to me. Hell, I don’t know, all of this is as abrupt as it is heart-shattering and warming.
“Sienna,” I whisper, not knowing what the hell to say.
My nerves catch fire, blazes spiking my pulse out of control with the blank moments in Luca’s life I’d missed. I’ll never have them, never be able to flip open the book of his life the way I do Lexi’s. It hurts so deep that wetness gathers in my eyes. I’m not a crying type of man. I’ve had a lot of hardship happen in my life. Right now, I feel like I could fucking weep with emotions running so high over what I lost, what Joseph took from Sienna’s body and mind, what I’ll gain with having her in my life again, and what we could all lose if Luca isn’t found.
I know she doesn’t mean to rip my soul to shreds. Still, it does. It fucking kills me all over again that I was the man I was back then. It pours poison that stings the scars splitting wide open when she refused to listen to me when I tried talking to her after she caught me cheating. She ran out of her house and drove straight to Joseph’s. I followed her there, parked my truck one block over, and hid. When they finally emerged, she kissed him before climbing into her car.
I hated her for that. I hated myself every goddamn day for driving her into another man’s arms.
“I didn’t lie about my feelings for you. I never stopped caring. Not for one second. I never forgot you either. Never forgot doing this, did you?” I slide a hand to one of hers, lift it to my lips, planting a kiss on the back of her palm. Funny how my brothers and I picked up that habit from Gabe of kissing a woman’s hand we thought worthy. He used to do that to his wife every time he came home. He told us because he was a criminal, he would never be worthy of his queen.
“I remember everything, Lane. I don’t understand how either of us can still care for one another after what we’ve done. We hurt each other, that’s a lot to forgive.”
My chest heaves, and I draw in a ragged breath. I wasn’t a believer in fate, in all that bullshit that comes with destiny until Sienna came back into my life, but after these circumstances, that’s the only way to explain it.
“I say it because it’s true. I don’t expect us to jump right back in where we left off. I’m not walking away from you. I wish I had answers to everything I did to hurt you. I’m not a liar or a cheater anymore, Sienna. The hurting part of our past needs to stay there right along with guilt and regret, or we can’t move forward. I’m here, and so are you. You belong to me, and I belong to you. Together we are better. Together we will lean on each other until our family is whole. Let me take care of you. The rest will follow. I’m not living without you anymore.” She doesn’t get a choice in that either. I’d give her one if she didn’t admit to still caring about me. I knew it when I went to her office. The proof is in her protecting Lexi and me right along with Luca.
She’s a good woman. I was a fool once, not about to be one again.
My gut clenches so damn tight when she shifts away from me—a cold draft resting between us.
“I know you aren’t a liar anymore. I’m not the messed up person you have in your head either. I’m broken. As soon as Luca comes back, I’ll be repaired. I don’t know how to trust you with my heart, but I want to. I want to so badly for Luca and me.”
That’s her fear of Joseph talking. It snuck up and laid itself right there in the spot she vacated.
“Never said you were. You say you don’t trust me when you told Luca to come to me. If that’s not trusting, then I don’t know what is.” I’ll earn it ten times over by the end of our lifetime. I’ll kick that fear to its death too.
“That’s different than trusting you with my heart. You want to control me, Lane. Look at how you barged into my life, thinking you could tell me what to do. You showed up to talk to my father to protect me, you bought a house, gave me a job. I lived with a man who controlled my every move for far too long. My father tries to do the same, and by sitting in his office while he went crazy on you, I let him. I don’t want a man to control me again. I have to stop letting it happen, or I’ll never find out who I am. I want to earn my way through life instead of having things handed to me.”
Curiosity rises in the blank space of my mind. My chest filling with love for a kid I hope has the strength his mother does to hold on for as long as it takes to find him.
“I’m not like them. I don’t expect you to bend to my every will, but you will bend, and so will I. I want you just the way you are, expect you to take me the way I am. I won’t change the man I am.” She better get that through her head right now. I’m here and coming on like a hurricane as soon as I let all this sink in.
I refrain from whipping her onto her back and climbing on top of her. If only to plunder her mouth with my tongue and taste those delectable lips. Christ, I haven’t kissed a woman in as many years as I haven’t fucked. And yet, in the back of my mind, it doesn’t matter because I know this woman and one taste of her was going to jar me back to life.
“You can run the restaurant any way you want. I’m not hovering over you. It’s a gift, take it and make it your own, but you won’t be sleeping anywhere except under the same roof as me. That is non-negotiable. You will let me protect you the way I should have.”
I failed her. Broke promises, but I’ll be damned if I do it again.
“God, your bossiness is going to be a pain in my ass.”
She has no idea how much I want to be a pain in her ass. A pleasurable pain that has her begging for more. The thought has me gritting my teeth and tampering my cock to not grind up against her.
“I’m not sleeping at your house, Lane. Don’t push me on that.”
I huff out a breath, needing to remember what this woman has been through before I go dredging up the man I used to be again—the one who woke from the dead when he first saw her.
Silence takes over again. Makes an attentive man wonder what’s running through her head. I always wondered what she was thinking. Sometimes I asked, and she’d share. Others? We’d sit, lay, stand in silence, and let our minds carry us away.
I chuckle when she starts yawning as the sun begins to rise. The light casting a vibrant hue across her hair spread out on the stark white pillow. I can’t wait to touch it and fist it in my needy hands.
“I’m going to take a shower. I’ll use one of the guest bathrooms, so I don’t keep you up. It’s your day off, get some sleep. I have a few errands to run. I’ll be back before you wake. If not, the house you’ve been living in is two blocks over. Security will be outside to take you home.” I don’t bother mentioning that Gabe texted a few hours ago to let me know Aidan had flown in from New York sometime in the night with valuable information about Joseph. He was tight-lipped when I asked what it was. He responded with an address and a time for me to meet him.
Whatever Aidan found out is what had Lorenzo acting the way he did last night. I’m sure of it.
Shockingly, yet like music to my soul, Sienna laughs, wrapping that sound around me, making me want to draw it out of her every chance I can.
With a slight tremble to her shoulders, she turns to face me and lifts her head, giving me a view of that perfect face free of makeup. The same freckles still pepper across her nose. I used to run my fingers across them, could even outline them in my sleep. I remember how self-aware she was of them. While me? I told her they are her signature trademark for her arousing, exotic beauty.
Looking at her is like staring at an angel. One that is still holding so much pain behind those stunning eyes. I’d do anything to draw it out of her if I could.
“You’ve been two blocks over this entire time?” Her lips twist into a sad smile, eyes filled with uncertainty. I’ll take that look over fear any damn day.
It takes every ounce of the willpower I have not to give in to the pull between us and kiss her.
Tear right through those shields guarding her heart.
“I’d do anything for you. Anything.
All you have to do is trust me.”
Chapter Seven
Sienna
I burrow myself back into the warm, soft sheets after using the bathroom, wishing I could fall back to sleep. How can I when my ears are ringing with a frightening alarm that Joseph could come after Lane and Lexi?
No one understands what being terrified of someone does unless they’ve walked in your shoes. It’s expected when Joseph embedded it into my brain, especially when he followed through by taking Luca.
My grief is so deep. There are days I don’t know if I’m coming or going. One day I can tuck away my pain for a while and look at the beauty of the world around me, the next, I’m questioning life’s meaning, and no longer see the world in color.
I let my guard down with Lane this morning, which I haven’t done with anyone except Victoria in so long, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world to open the door to my walled up heart and let him in. I can already feel myself letting loose of the binds that man has always had wrapped around me.
I ached to press my face into Lane’s chest and breathe him in while I shed those few layers of my dead skin that had been itching to peel away, but I didn’t, and now I wish I would have come out and told him there was no chance of a future for him and me.
Hostility, anger, and hurt vibrated through him. I felt it, and yet I still let so much pour out of me. I feel like I’ve broken a man who, in less than twenty-four hours, has proven how much he still cares. Stabbed him unintentionally in the heart and managed to twist the knife.
I should have gotten up and walked away. I shouldn’t have told Lane anything, and now I feel no better than I did.
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt Lane. No matter how much of a bitch I was to him in my office. I don’t want the man suffering because of me, and now I feel his pain seeping underneath those fresh layers of skin.
When will it go away? When will I rid myself entirely of guilt? When will I not fear a man I know can’t touch me again? When will I get my son back?
I should feel better that I let some of it out.
“Damn you, Joseph. Get out of my head,” I whisper.
I swallow against my dry throat, against the heat burning through me still from laying close to the man who always gave me this sensation to come alive when he was near. He’s somewhere in this house, naked and wet.
The images of Lane’s muscled body all suds up flit through my mind, warming everything inside me in ways that haven’t since the last time he touched me. God, I can almost feel his hands on me.
I need to get out of here and stop thinking about him sexually before my mind carries me away. I’m not clear-headed. I’m as vulnerable as he is right now in ways that make us both dangerous to each other’s hearts.
Instead of doing what I should, I reach for my phone, slide it open and go to my photos, and find the one of Luca and my father I’d taken the last time he’d come to visit. My father is sitting across from Luca on the floor, both engrossed in trying to put together a two-thousand piece Lego rocket Father bought him.
I have picture after picture of the two of them, and it breaks my heart that it’s killing my father too, no matter how angry I am with him right now.
I’m not sure if I can forgive him yet for what he did. The man sat there on his throne, tossing out his power and worrying about what others will think of him instead of looking at the big picture—putting Luca first. I despise him for that more than him ignoring the chills running through my veins and how he tossed me right into my past after telling me how guilty he felt. He needs to wallow in the level of despair he brought on himself and put this family and the men that have proven their loyalty time and time again above anything else.
I’ve no doubt Lane and him will work out their differences, but there’s a part of me that’s deservingly angry at my father.
I should’ve never allowed him to think he could play God right in front of me when he knew I wasn’t going to leave his office. I tried to detach the way I did when Joseph would force himself on me. It did me no good when all I could vision was Luca never getting to meet the man who gave him life.
Luca and I come above his organization right now. Let his men take the rules and use them by killing Joseph, and whoever else helped him escape. Joseph might be a devious man, but he didn’t disappear without help.
Confusion. It warps my mind. I want to be free of it all and live a life surrounded by love. “Why is that so hard to achieve?” I look toward the ceiling as if God would drop from the sky and answer me.
Exhaling, I push to sit, lean back against the headboard, and run a hand through my hair, nearly climbing right up the wall when I hear someone doing their best to tiptoe as quietly as they can into the room.
“Hi. My aunt is waiting in the car to take me swimming, so I only have a minute to talk. I forgot my bathing suit. I went to put it on, and it had the tags on it still, but I pulled them off all by myself without ripping it. My daddy is going to be so proud I didn’t get the scissors out and use them. He doesn’t let me touch sharp things without a big person helping. I sure hope I didn’t wake you. My dad would be mad if I did. I didn’t want to leave without kissing him. You aren’t him. You’re prettier than he is but not as handsome. He’s the handsomest of all the men in the whole wide world.”
My heart squeezes tight. It cries out this mushy sensation as I stare at the cheerful little girl with a smile so bright it fills me with joy when I should be embarrassed—when I shouldn’t be feeling anything close to happy.
“Hello. You’re right. I’m not your daddy. He’s taking a shower.” I beam at her. She generates that kind of sunshine right off a person. How I can tell that with a look is beyond me. She’s perfect though, like I knew she would be. A handful, I bet.
Freckles scatter across her cheeks. Her curly hair is up in a ponytail, and she has on a pink one-piece bathing suit with white polka dots. By far, the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen.
“Do you think he’s handsome too?” She lets out a giggle that pings off my chest, tilts her head to the side, eyes curious—that smile like a bright ray of light.
“Oh, I think he’s the most handsome.” I’m confident I’m turning fifty shades of red right now. Somehow though, I find it comforting, maybe a little easier meeting Lexi this way than worrying and wondering about how she’ll be when the time comes to yank her perfect world from under her feet.
I can only grasp onto hope as tight as I can that it doesn’t. That she remains safe throughout this and comes out on top of the world when it’s over.
“Well, then we’re going to be the best of friends. Don’t tell my aunt Ellie that. She’s my best friend too. I don’t want her to hurt if she knew I had another best friend. We could all three be best of friends. That would be so cool. Woah, you have the prettiest hair. It’s even prettier than my aunt Ellie’s. Don’t tell her that either, it will hurt her feelings all the more, and I love my aunt so much.”
There went my heart. It puddles in a pool at her feet.
Lexi is a tough little thing with a heart bigger than she is.
“Your secret is safe with me. I promise. And, friends it is,” I say on a nervous laugh. If she only knew how much I could keep a secret.
“Well, maybe I’ll tell you another one then and see if you can keep that one too, this isn’t the secret, but my dad promised to take me on a date soon at his new restaurant. I haven’t been to The Grill House yet. That’s the name of it. It has twinkling lights, and you can see the city. And did you know people can grill their own steaks and burgers if they want or they can have the chef do it for them? I’m going to work there when I get big. Wear a big white hat and make all the food. Have you been there? Maybe you can go with us. I already know I’m having French fries and chicken nuggets. Man, they better have chicken nuggets. I better ask my daddy to put them on the menu if they don’t.” She crosses her arms over her chest, lips going into a pout.
I understand what Lane mean
s about his adorable little girl. She’s a warm whirlwind—a ball of delight.
Awkwardly, I sit here, having no idea what to say or do. For many reasons, I want to pull the covers over my head and hide. Mostly because I never thought I’d feel a pull to a child that wasn’t mine as I do this little girl. I want to bring her into my arms and tell her I’m sorry. That sometimes people make mistakes.
Maybe someday I can. Perhaps she’ll understand, and her along with Luca, will forgive me for every wrong I’ve done.
“I have heard of it. I work there. The Grill House has the best French fries, and they have nuggets. I bet he put them on the menu just for you. Your daddy must love you a lot to take you there. Do you think we should ask him if I can go with you? I mean, I’d feel bad intruding on a date.” My heart thrums erratically imagining Lane on a date with his daughter.
I bet women drool seeing them together. I know I would even if I didn’t know him. It’s adorable when a father comes in with his kids. I’ve caught myself staring at them many times, pretending it was Lane. It’s ridiculous, but when you robotically act as if everything is alright in front of your son, it’s things like that I wish would come true.
“Yup. Daddy loves me to the moon and back, and that’s a long way, so it’s a lot of love. I love him to infinity. Probably farther. He’s the best dad ever in the ever of dads. He sometimes swears, though, but not as much as my uncle Seth. We have a swear jar, and Daddy took me to Disney and gave me all the money from the jar. He let me buy whatever I wanted. And you know what? Uncle Seth and Uncle Logan gave me secret money I bought my dad a shirt with it. It says World’s Best Dad. Did you see it on him, he wears it every night unless it’s in the laundry. If you sleeped in his bed, you must be his girlfriend. I’m so mad at him about that because he says I can never have a boyfriend, and that’s not fair.” She rattles off her words quicker than I can catch hold of them, lifts her shoulders as if this isn’t the first time she’s talked to me.
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