“You matter,” I told her.
“And so do you,” she replied. She closed her eyes and was quiet for a long moment. “If only you treated yourself with the same care you treat some of those you love, maybe I wouldn’t worry so much about you.”
“You don’t need to worry about me.”
To my surprise, she laughed and the sound was surprisingly strong. “Oh, baby. I worry about you more than almost all the rest combined.” She covered my hand with hers, staring up at me. “Do you know why?”
Uneasy, I met her gaze, uncertain how to answer. The truth was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. But at the same time, how could I tell her that?
A smile bowed her lips and she reached up to brush my hair aside. “You treat yourself with so little respect, baby. I see you bend over backwards to help total strangers...and don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. But when it comes to you, you act like you don’t matter. Like you’re not worth making yourself happy.” Her eyes burned with intensity. “Luke, you do matter.”
“I am happy,” I argued.
“No. You’re not.” Once more, she closed her eyes as if she was so tired, she didn’t have the strength to keep her lids up. “You haven’t been happy since you were a teenager. And I don’t know what happened. Because you won’t tell me.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at me.
Shame and guilt twisted through me and I had to look away. “Nothing, Mama. Nothing happened.”
She sighed and I knew she didn’t believe me. “You show this image to the world, Luke. Like you’re this carefree, arrogant little prick.”
My face heated at her words.
“I sometimes wonder if anybody but me realizes how lonely you are, baby.”
I jolted, almost drawing away from her. She covered my hand with hers before I could.
“You’ve been lonely most of your life,” she said. “Even though you’re close to your brothers and sisters...and me, I bet you think there’s nobody who really understands or knows you, or cares enough to try to do so.”
“That’s not true,” I said, embarrassed. But I knew I wasn’t being entirely honest. There were things people didn’t understand or know...because I wouldn’t let them.
“It is true.” She watched me with the wise, understanding gaze of a woman who’d known me my entire life, who had seen me at my best, and most often, had seen me at my worst, and loved me anyway. “If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t spend so much time trying to convince yourself that you don’t care.”
“Mom...”
She shook her head. “It’s okay. You don’t need to explain it to me. It’s more important that you try to understand it yourself. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve to be happy, Luke. You do. Stop doing stupid shit that makes it harder for you to be happy. You cut yourself away from us for years because you loved us...and because we loved you...and you didn’t think you deserved it, for some reason. Stop surrounding yourself with people who only care about Luke the star...and look for the people who care about Luke the man.”
“I’m happy,” I said. I didn’t know why I felt so defensive, but I did. “And if I do stupid shit, it’s because I don’t always think about the consequences.” My face heated as I continued, “And I damn well have people around me who care about me for me.”
“Other than your family,” she responded.
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Finally, I said, “Kelly.”
She arched a brow. I didn’t take it back. Sure, Kelly and I were friends because of my job, but I knew she cared about me, too. As Mom continued to study me, I opened my mouth, not even certain of what was going to come out. “And there’s also Sabrina. She definitely cares about me.”
“I agree.”
I barely noticed. She’d seen too much. I had no idea how she’d managed to see that deep inside of me, but she had and I had to find a way to convince her that she was wrong...even if she wasn’t. “As a matter of fact, Sabrina and I are dating.”
My mom’s mouth dropped open.
Shock spread across her features.
“Yeah, we’re dating. I even asked her to marry me,” I blurted out. “She said yes.”
Behind me, I heard a squeal and dread slammed into me only a second before my sister did. Bella squeezed me tight and said, “Oh, my goodness! I knew it!”
MY MOUTH HAD GOTTEN me in shitty situations before, but I was pretty sure this would take the cake—for eternity.
While Bella was still jabbering on excitedly, I rushed out of the hospital room, on a beeline for the waiting room where the rest of the family still waited. I skimmed the room, my gaze landing on Sabrina. She rose and I knew she’d seen something on my face.
I held out a hand, not saying anything as she crossed the room. The moment her fingers brushed mine, I closed my grip around her and started to walk. “We gotta talk, Ina,” I said as my mind raced.
What had I been thinking?
Why had I said that?
“What’s wrong?” Sabrina asked.
I was moving so fast, she was trailing along behind me. Feeling like an idiot, I slowed my steps. Then, as I realized I needed more time to think, I slowed them even more. I can handle this. Sure, I’d leapt before looking, but I did that on a regular basis. And this time, it hadn’t been all because I needed to get out of my head or anything like that. I’d been trying to make my mom stop worrying.
Hadn’t I?
It only took a little prodding to convince myself that absolutely, yes, I’d been trying to help my mom. Okay, and yeah, I’d wanted her to stop looking at me with that knowing look in her eyes. But that was only part of the reason.
So it involved a little white lie.
Or a giant, emblazoned red one, complete with flashing warning lights. But in the end, this was all something I could deal with.
I was running out of hospital corridor and ready to panic. In desperation, I made a sharp left and pulled Sabrina into the room I’d just spied—the door was cracked and a quick glance showed it to be some sort of supply room.
“What’s wrong, Luke?” Sabrina asked as I let go of her hand and turned to close to the door.
Grimacing at the narrow window, I turned back to Sabrina to answer. The words lodged in my throat.
Swearing, I started to pace in the tight confines.
I was on my third pass when Sabrina reached out and caught my arm. Under the short sleeve of my faded Daffy Duck T-shirt, her skin touched mine. Without thinking, I covered her hand and stared down at her face.
“I just told my mom that you and I are engaged!”
Sabrina’s eyes widened. Her mouth fell open, jaw going slack. In the span of time it took for me to notice she’d put something the color of raspberries on her lips, she managed to snap her jaw shut. “You did what?”
“You heard me.” My hand still covered hers and it felt so natural to touch her that I ended up twining my fingers with hers. She didn’t resist. Not even a little.
“Why would you do that?” she whispered, eyes still wide. A look of shock danced across her features and she shook her head. “Luke...I...what...why would you do that?”
Chapter Eleven
Sabrina
I WAS BABBLING.
I knew I was babbling. I could even hear the strident rising of my voice, but I couldn’t stop it.
“You told her we were engaged? Luke! What were you thinking—” Just as my voice reached the level where it might shatter glass, he reached up and pressed his finger to my lips.
My body, so long starved for his attention, responded according.
“Keep your voice down,” he begged, his ocean-blue eyes desperate.
“You want me to keep my voice down?” I yanked my head back, gaping at him in dismay. “You told your mother that we were engaged and you want me to keep my voice down?”
The door’s hinges, like most of the ones in the hospital, were squeakier than a mouse on a cheese spree, but I had no c
hance to see who was intruding because I found myself plastered against Luke, his hand in my hair. And his tongue was in my mouth.
I couldn’t help it.
I groaned.
As he kissed the living daylights out of me, I heard a high-pitched noise but my brain didn’t recognize it for what it was right away. My synapses were on overload. Could this much stimuli make my body shut down? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. Luke’s tongue traced my lower lip.
“Luke!”
He lifted up, only briefly, but the loss of his mouth was one I felt keenly. I gripped his shoulders. I didn’t even remember reaching for him, but I must have and I clung to him so tightly, my fingers ached. He spoke. I don’t know what he said, but I felt his chest rumbling against my chest.
Somebody else responded—a new voice. I was almost certain the last one I’d heard had been female. How many people were in here? I blinked, reality starting to settle in. I pushed at Luke’s shoulders, no longer clinging to him, but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to let me go.
“Geez, Luke...”
“Chris, get out before I throw you out,” Luke said. “Hi, Ellie.”
Ellie. I groaned and once more tried to extricate myself from Luke’s arms. When he didn’t let go this time, I turned my head and sank my teeth into his biceps. Hard. Never let it be said that he wasn’t skilled at controlling his reactions. Although I felt him stiffen, he didn’t show any other sign that it affected him. I applied more pressure. He made a low noise but didn’t relent.
“Come on, baby,” Ellie said. “It’s pretty clear these two wanna be alone right now. Besides, don’t you want to see your mom?”
The sound of the door squeaking closed should have been the signal that we were alone and Luke could let me go. He didn’t. Feeling stupid standing there with my teeth digging into him like some stubborn bulldog, I let him go and swung my eyes up so I could glare at him. He looked down at me, a bemused smile on his face. “Were you hungry?”
My cheeks heated. “Let me go.”
“I kind of like having you just where you are, Ina.”
My heart bumped against my ribs so hard, I had no doubt that he was being sincere. I couldn’t deny that I liked where I was just fine, but I doubted we had the same reasons for our...enjoyment. My heart ached a little and I worked my hands between us. But try as I might, I couldn’t convince myself that I needed to push him away. I knew if I forced the issue, he’d do it. That’s just who he was.
But he felt so good, and I’d wanted to feel him against me like this for so long.
“Luke...” I sighed and closed my eyes. Without thinking, I lowered my head. It ended up pressed against his chest.
I froze when I felt something brush against my hair.
His mouth.
Was he...
The pressure intensified and then I realized, shit, he was. He was kissing my hair. Had I gone and fallen through the looking glass or something? Maybe I’d slipped in the shower and hit my head and this was some sort of weird coma dream.
He slid his hand down, resting it on my hip.
“Ina...”
The low, rough sound of his voice made me shiver.
“I wasn’t thinking. It was stupid, I know that. I knew it then. And fuck, Bella walked in and I...hell. I didn’t know what to do. I just didn’t know what to do. I panicked.”
For a few seconds, I had no idea what he was talking about. Once my brain clicked back into action, I forced myself to pull away from him. I needed room to think. But even though I paced all the way to the far side of the small room, I felt like I was surrounded by him. The walls had gone and closed in around me and I covered my face with my hands to block everything out in an attempt to just think.
But my hands had been pressed up against his chest and shoulders and now they smelled like him.
I groaned and shoved them through my hair.
“Sabrina...”
I spun around to glare at him. “What do you want me to do, Luke?”
“I...” He opened his mouth, then closed it. One hand closed into a fist at his side.
The door squeaked open behind him and he looked over his shoulder. “Not right now—”
It was Chris, Ellie, Devin and Bella, all four of them practically trying to push through the door at the same time—Chase was missing, but he was likely visiting their mom. The room wasn’t big enough for all of us, so the two guys hung back in the doorway while Ellie and Belle came inside, grinning ear to ear. Devin looked confused, eying me, then his brother Chris who had a wide smile on his face.
My stomach sank as Bella to hug me.
But Chris cut her off before she could reach me. “Is it for real?” he asked. “Bella says you two are getting hitched. Is she serious?”
Luke’s shoulders stiffened.
A dull red flush settled across his cheeks.
I didn’t even think about it.
The words escaped me without any conscious thought.
“Yes. She’s serious.”
I’D BEEN DREADING THE call.
Only a few hours had passed since I’d somehow thrown myself headlong into Luke’s grand scheme to convince his mom—and his family—that the two of us were head over heels in love.
I hadn’t thought it all the way through—okay, I hadn’t through it through even the tiniest bit—when I jumped in feet first, because if I had, maybe I would have kept my mouth shut.
But it was entirely possible I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. Actually, it was entirely likely I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing.
With dread, I stared at the phone I clutched in my hand, trying without success to figure out how I was going to answer.
Kelly’s face filled the screen, and in desperation, I shoved the phone into my pocket.
“Everything okay?”
Bella dropped down in front of me, a cup of coffee in hand.
We were still in the consultation room that had been given to the family for their use.
The staff had cleared it for our use alone, a courtesy we appreciated since there were so many of us. In all honesty, most of the other visitors who had family here probably appreciated it. While Luke and Chris were both celebrities and had their share of fans in the area, the Cochrans were...boisterous, and like Luke and his siblings, the people with family members on the Cardiac Care Unit had a lot on their minds. They wouldn’t want to listen to the Cochran siblings bickering or arguing.
The phone rang a third time and I swiped the screen, silencing it. Dropping it into my purse, I gave Bella a bright smile. “Fine...” I rolled my eyes and looked around. “Well, as fine as one could expect, all things considered.”
“Yeah.” She heaved out a sigh. “I guess this wasn’t exactly how you all planned to announce it to the world, was it?”
Before we’d been led to this room, the teenaged daughter of another family had overheard Bella and Ellie excitedly talking about the engagement between Luke and me.
Before I knew it, my phone was blowing up with notifications from Twitter. I managed his account and while he got thousands of notifications a day, my account only got ten or so. And it was my account that had been exploding.
Just like that, and the news of my so-called engagement was out there.
The girl had also become an instant celebrity.
I hadn’t even been in the room when it happened.
I’d retreated to the bathroom to try to get my head on straight. But the girl, like a lot of people in the area, followed several of the other Cochrans, along with Luke, on Twitter, so Bella’s phone had exploded with notifications about the same time mine had.
She’d hunted down Luke, along with her other brothers. She’d sent Liam to wait outside the bathroom for me, providing me with a human shield, because several of the girl’s friends had arrived to try to get pictures.
They weren’t around for long. A few quick words from Bella to the nurses had security showing up to speak with the girl’s parents, w
ho were quick to take the girl’s phone away—taking pictures in a hospital can be a dicey thing with patient privacy laws.
It was just a short time later that we were led to this room.
I was almost afraid to leave.
At the same time, I knew I couldn’t take this call with an audience.
Kelly would know immediately that something was up.
Hell, she knew how I felt about Luke. She also knew that Luke was completely clueless. She would never believe that in the few days we’d been gone, he’d up and fallen for me.
I had no doubt that she’d buy that Luke had just reacted as he had. It was so completely and totally...Luke.
She might even understand why I’d stupidly gone along with it, especially considering the circumstances.
But that wouldn’t excuse the fact that we hadn’t kept her in the loop. It was my job to keep her in the loop.
I couldn’t go into any of that until I had some level of privacy.
“Sabrina?”
I jerked my gaze away from my lap and met Bella’s once more.
She had dark wavy hair and her eyes were a deeper shade of blue than Luke’s. Those eyes saw more, too. Just then, those eyes were watching me with curiosity and compassion. “Are you okay?”
“I’m...” I jerked my head away and stared toward the door. Luke and Chris had left to go get something for the family to eat. My stomach was tied into so many knots, I doubted I’d be able to get anything down but I still wished he’d get back. If he was here, I could take the rental and run back to the house, hide in my room until I got my head on straight.
But that wasn’t an option.
Bella continued to watch me and I knew I had to say something.
Finally, I blurted out, “Hospitals. I can’t stand being in them.”
Her eyes softened on my face. “You probably had to spend a lot of time in them with your mom, didn’t you?”
Guilt twisted in me. I couldn’t deny I’d spent too much time inside medical and psychiatric facilities with my mom up until it finally became clear that not only did she not want my help, things had progressed to the point that she didn’t even want me around.
Cocksure (The Cochrans of Cocker County) Page 7
