by Mia Miller
TDL: I am incapable of cooking anything for another human being, myself included. I don’t have a sibling. I am a terrific dancer.
Me: Hmmmm. The sibling thing is a lie.
TDL: Wrong. I’m an only child. A sole heir, if you will. I don’t really know how to dance.
Me: I’ve only had one serious relationship. I slept with five guys since starting college. I am lactose intolerant.
TDL: I’ll be careful what I feed you when we go out, and I bet number five is the lie?
Me: How did you guess?
TDL: Seems low even for a hot and interesting chick like you.
Me: You can’t know I’m hot.
TDL: You are in my imagination.
Me: Joke’s on you, there were fewer than five.
TDL: Three?
Me: I’ll never tell.
Me: You’re way too surprised. What is your magic number then? Double digits?
TDL: What, like this semester?
Me: Eeeeek!
TDL: Joking.
TDL: Maybe.
Me: Okay, your turn.
TDL: My mom left when I was a kid. I hate spaghetti. I am secretly a geek and care about my grades.
Me: I’d like to say that the mom stuff is a lie.
TDL: You’re nice. I’d like that too. But you’d be wrong again. I know I said there are no losers, but come on!
Me: Is this subject not too big to speak of it like this?
TDL: I guess. She left after I was born and never came back. I don’t know what life would be like without that hole in it.
TDL: But I do like spaghetti.
TDL: I didn’t mean to get you down.
Me: I was quiet because I was trying to find something intelligent to say to that. Or comforting. Or both. I’m sorry.
TDL: Don’t be. I mean, it’s a pity, but it happened forever ago. I never got to know her. It’s just a fact of life for me. A sad one, but one nonetheless. I find that human beings can live with almost anything.
Me: I know what you mean. Both my parents died in a car crash when I was a kid. I have almost no memories of them, and they left a void that nothing will ever fill. But it’s something that I’ve lived with for so long that I wouldn’t know life in any other form.
TDL: I take it we aren’t playing anymore. I’m sorry you’ve been through that, Sweetness.
Me: Sad fact of life for me too, DirtyMan.
TDL: I think I like your other nickname for me better. We’re birds of a feather, huh?
Me: I guess we are.
Me: I’m going to bed. Have sexy dreams!
TDL: I will if I dream of you.
Me: Flattery will get you places.
TDL: I hope by places you mean your panties.
Me: Again: eeek! Getting sleepy now!
TDL: See you soon, Sweetness.
I didn’t realize when or how, but I’d been given a new nickname. I had to admit. I kind of loved it.
The next night, I found myself in bed again, only instead of smiling at the screen, I was looking at it with apprehension.
TDL: Have you ever been in love?
Me: I’m not sure …
TDL: Then no …
TDL: No judgment. I don’t think I’ve been either.
Me: Are we faulty?
TDL: No, we’re waiting for the right one.
Me: Are you making fun of me?
TDL: Just a bit. I don’t have a philosophical explanation. It just hasn’t happened. That paramount moment when you just know you can’t breathe without someone.
Me: Do you want it?
TDL: I guess. Someday. Do you?
Me: I guess, someday. It just hasn’t been a priority.
TDL: So would you say we’ve been putting love on hold?
Me: I guess we have.
I sat on the steps outside the children’s hospital, tired after another full day of work, classes, and volunteering. I took my energy from my texting with TDL, before heading back to Mirrielees to sleep it off.
TDL: I hope your day was better than mine was, because mine was dirt.
Me: Another interview with a no-go?
TDL: Yes …
Me: Why does he want you back so badly?
TDL: Don’t care. I waited for the perfect moment to leave his side, and I took it.
Me: Why? What was so bad?
TDL: Remember how I told you I grew up without a mom?
TDL: Well, it wasn’t for a lack of trying. I stopped counting the number of women he brought home. So I had plenty of surrogates.
TDL: Some of them … most of them … were bad people.
Me: I’m here to listen whatever you feel okay sharing.
TDL: Two of them hit me.
Me: Oh my god.
TDL: Yeah, he knew how to pick them. Don’t worry, it stopped happening when I was fourteen and I wasn’t such an easy target anymore.
Me: Good!
TDL: They didn’t leave because of me, though.
Me: Why, then?
TDL: Eventually, they all learned that my dad was a mean drunk. They got tired of waiting for him to sober up, which he never did, so they walked.
TDL: I learned really fast that all women did was walk away.
Me: That’s unfortunate. And horrible. And sad. And I think that the right one will show you she can stay.
TDL: Yes, Sweetness. I hope there will be a day when someone teaches me what that’s like.
I sighed as I was rummaging through my room, sorting laundry. Amaya was right about my mess. I was getting to the point of not finding anything anymore in my so-called “organized chaos.” I took a break and grabbed my phone.
Me: Your turn.
TDL: To take the trash out?
Me: To cheer me up. Then you can come over and take it out, yes. It’s a pigsty over here.
TDL: What happened?
Me: I am stressed out. I forgot about an assignment for a class, and now I’m overdue and have no idea what to write about.
TDL: I’m a decent writer.
Me: I bet. But I like doing things by myself. I just don’t understand how I could forget something so important.
TDL: You work too much. You need to give your brain a break sometimes.
Me: I don’t know if I know how.
TDL: Sleep in. Get laid. Go for a run.
Me: All fun things I could do with you.
TDL: See? Your brain is functioning faster already.
Me: I’ll take your advice and go to sleep early just in case. I’ll just check into the library tomorrow and sort it out.
Me: And … TDL?
TDL: I’m not really that lonely, you know?
Me: Whatever. Thank you for making me smile, as always.
TDL: Sweetness, you’re my high. Making you smile is my pleasure.
“So what are you now, like, texting buddies?”
Amaya and I were having a lazy Sunday in, bingeing on zombie movies and stuffing our faces with things that didn’t stick to our thighs—yet. I was checking my texts from TDL every few minutes.
“We talk on the phone, too, sometimes.”
She elbowed me, playfully.
“You like him. Like … like-like him.”
I covered my face and watched her through my splayed fingers.
“I don’t know, Ames. I mean … can you be attracted to someone’s voice?”
“Ffffs, yes!” she said and looked at me as if she needed more explaining.
“When he talks, it sounds like his chest is vibrating from that rumble he’s got going on. And I kind of feel that everywhere on my body.”
“Whoa! That’s awesome. And yeah, babe, you sure can.”
“Then, yes, I like-like him.” There was a small silence before I added, “I just hope he is not some creep.”
“Did he give you any bad vibe at all?”
“No, on the contrary, everything feels so natural when we talk. And so reciprocated. I feel like we are in sync.”
“So what isn’t okay?” Amaya asked, r
unning to our small kitchen for a refill.
“Oh, you know, the feeling that it won’t last forever. That when someone appears to be that perfect, there’s something wrong somewhere. That something’s gotta give,” I said, following her and setting the dishes into the sink.
Amaya patted my shoulder and poked her tongue out at me.
“You worry too much, chica. If you like talking to him, talk. And if you’re that attracted to his voice, maybe you should take the texting up a notch.”
“Meaning?” I asked.
“Sexting, my friend, sexting,” she explained, grinning.
Glue chose that moment to raise his adorable head and watch his mom funnily.
“You’re embarrassing your fur-baby, Amaya,” I joked.
“Oh, shush. Glue loves his mama just the way she is. Don’t you, baby? Don’t you?”
While Amaya was busy baby talking and cooing at Glue, I started washing the dishes. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to her about TDL so much as that I wanted to hold on to the high of having him just to myself. Have whatever it was that was between us stay just ours. Plus, I knew that as soon as I started dissecting my feelings and lingering on thinking about them, it would break the spell.
That night, when I went to bed, I had two texts waiting for me.
TDL: I went to bed early and had a wet dream about you.
TDL: Woke up to tell you that you were amazing.
Warmth spread through my belly. Flattery and bliss had become usual emotions while I talked to him, in any shape or form of communication. This unseen man, this phantom who checked in on me, got to know me, was interested in me, and made me laugh every day. He made me feel safe enough to confess and bare parts of my soul. This man that felt more mine than any of my (few) boyfriends ever had.
How crazy was that?
Six
“You’re Mine!”
LEONIE
I checked myself in the mirror one last time and then texted him.
Me: I have a date tonight.
TDL: I’m jealous.
My belly dipped with guilt I didn’t know why I felt and then banked around a bit of happiness that he was jealous.
It wasn’t as if I was cheating on him. After all, Mr. Possibly Double Digits of Dates in One Semester was probably seeing someone as well. It had been more than a week since our texting and calling had fallen into a stalemate phase, and I’d caved to Amaya’s pleas for me to go on a double date with her. She needed a chaperone, which was how she had sold me on the idea.
Amaya jingled her keys, signaling she was ready to go, so I followed her out the door. We were headed two blocks over to a bar that was usually free of underclassmen. When we were freshmen, we used to complain endlessly about not being allowed in because of their age limit, but as a senior, I appreciated the rule.
“You look so hot you’re gonna give Mark blue balls tonight,” she told me as we waited for the crosswalk light to change.
“Well, that’s all I’m going to give him.”
“You are so cold!” She threw her head back and laughed, long and loud, toward the night sky.
I wasn’t. I just had a plan and wasn’t going to be sidetracked.
The number of lovers I’d referred to during my conversations with TDL, three, hadn’t changed. There was Daniel, that guy from high school, and a random date during sophomore year. I’d refused to believe that they were all horrible lovers or that I was to blame for the lack of passion during these brief encounters, which led me to conclude that sex was overrated. Thus, one of the things that could wait until after I had all my career-related affairs in order.
Still, Amaya was almost relentless in her pursuit to get me laid. She never forced me to go anywhere boring and she always made sure the guy I had to hang out with wasn’t some jerk, so I didn’t give her too hard of a time. My interest never extended to a second date, though.
TDL: Watch what you’re drinking and let him pay for your delicious company.
Me: Snort. Way to empower me!
TDL: And text me when you’re safe at home.
Me: Not going out tonight?
TDL: Nah. Just boxing with Levi.
“One day, you’re gonna walk into some open sewer, and I’m gonna let you. After all this ignoring me and texting, you deserve it.” Amaya nudged me while crossing the street toward the Red Lion.
I was near the pool tables with my date, Mark. Amaya and her date were too busy necking to mind us, and we were alternating between sipping our beers and chatting. Mark was behind me, pretending to show me how to line up my next shot and not so subtly touching my hips. I didn’t know if I cared a lot about his moves, but he was interesting enough for the night. Maybe Amaya was right and I needed to remove my cobwebs. I turned to him and looked up, smiling and making him smile back and show me an adorable dimple.
“What the FUCK?” Daniel roared from somewhere behind Mark.
We all turned toward him. Even Amaya halted her efforts to taste her date’s tonsils to stare at Daniel, who was watching Mark as if he’d just stolen his favorite cookie from the stash.
“Something wrong?” Mark straightened his shoulders as if to shield me from whatever Daniel was about to start yelling about.
“Take your hands off my girl!”
At that, Mark’s head whipped toward me, and I raised my eyebrows and shook my head, hoping to God he got that I was denying being this lunatic’s girl.
He didn’t. Something ugly came over Mark’s face and his scowl was far from good-natured.
“I don’t want trouble.” He tossed his pool cue onto the table and turned back toward Daniel. “All yours.”
He’d started to leave, but I touched his elbow and talked softly.
“Mark, he is not my boyfriend.”
His eyes were touched by a wave of indecision.
“The hell I’m not!” Daniel approached me and entered my breathing space, towering above me. “Why are you being so bitchy?”
I lost all cool, and felt Amaya’s energy at my back. She was near me and ready to pounce.
“D, stop being an asshole. What’s the matter with you? Are you drunk or something?” I whisper-shouted.
“The hell I am!” He continued shouting and drawing everyone’s attention toward us.
“I think …” Amaya started.
I reached back and touched her, quieting her as I raised myself on my tiptoes and got in Daniel’s face.
“Let me make this clear. Stop making a scene in public or otherwise. This kind of game might have worked in high school when you scared everyone away from me, but things have changed. I am—”
“I will not stand being publicly scorned by my woman being groped by hillbillies at the bar.” Daniel’s nasty voice thundered over my words.
“You’re unbelievable. Where is this coming from, Daniel?”
My voice shook as I asked that. I didn’t know what was more mortifying. Him making a scene in public or him staking some kind of ridiculous claim on me. I’d known Daniel for more than half my life, and not once had he ever done anything like this.
“We’re done here. Actually, scratch that, we are done everywhere. I do not want you to come near me until I say I’m done being mad at your antics.”
“You’re mad? You?”
Amaya was pulling me toward the exit, but Daniel positioned himself between us and the door.
“Come on, Leonie. He’s clearly drunk; I can smell it from here.”
“Seriously, D, pull yourself together and think hard about whether you really want to throw away the little friendship we have left because you want to be a childish prick. Move aside, now.” I tried to throw all these words in Daniel’s face as calmly as I could, but I had raised my voice on the last three words. Not that it mattered. Everyone in the bar was already watching us with confused smirks on their faces. They weren’t sure who to root for. Both Amaya’s date and mine were nowhere to be seen, and she was squeezing my hand hard enough to make my joints sc
ream in pain.
“Let’s go, babe,” I heard her whisper, and I started again toward the door, pinning Daniel on the spot and hoping my look had the power to make him think twice before trying to block us again.
This time, my look got my message across, and he took a small step back.
It wasn’t until later, once I’d calmed down my best friend who’d started plotting Daniel’s demise in funny yet creepy ways, that I breathed deep, soothing breaths. Amaya had decreed that this was serious stalker behavior. To me, it was the last hoorah of someone who I was leaving behind very, very soon. I wanted to leave Stanford with my head held high and as little drama as possible.
Me: What would you do if your ex barged in on your date and you?
TDL: I don’t have exes. But I would send them walking. What did you do?
Me: I left. You don’t have exes?
TDL: Nope.
Me: Think I will need more explanation than that.
TDL: You want me to explain more than wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am concept to you?
Me: Yes. I don’t think you are like that.
TDL: Why?
Me: You seem kinder than that.
TDL: Only to sweet girls who want to see that.
TDL: I date women. We have fun. We sometimes meet and hang out more than once, but I don’t do relationships. Not cut out for them.
I wanted to explain to him how all his caring gestures so far proved that he was more than just a guy not cut out for relationships. How Daniel was the one not cut out for being a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband. How I saw past his guard. Before I had a chance not to say any of that, someone pounded on our door, and I threw my phone onto the bed.
When I opened the door, Daniel almost fell in. He managed to catch his balance, and when he took a step toward me, I took a step back.
“Don’t you dare embarrass me like that. Ever again!”
“Daniel, please, you’re scaring me. Back up!” I pushed at his chest hard, but he didn’t budge.
“You’re mine. Don’t you get it? Mine.”
“I am not yours. We haven’t been together in years,” I said.
At that, he took a small step backward, and I could breathe again.
I didn’t understand. Daniel had always been infuriating, cocky, and domineering, but he’d never been this aggressive.
When he swayed and stumbled sideways into the wall, I narrowed my eyes at him. “Let me call you an Uber so you can go home and sleep this off. We can have coffee tomorrow when you’re sober,” I tried.
