Love on Hold

by Mia Miller

  “So, I had one last shift at Stanford Hair, but on Thanksgivings I go to Healdsburg.”

  “That your hometown?”

  “Yes. Most precious jewel in the Sonoma crown.”

  I rejoiced in hearing his rich laughter.

  “Are you doing anything?” I asked him.

  “Nope.”

  This was good and bad. Bad because I felt sad over how lonely Joel was, despite what he claimed. Good, because I could introduce him to my auntie.

  “Tell me about Healdsburg, beautiful.”

  “Before I tell you about it, you should know, I had contemplated inviting you over for the weekend. My aunt and I normally hang out in our pajamas, watch movies, and eat whatever we want. I even asked my aunt about it, and between her sobs of happiness, she told me she’d double everything she’s cooking for that weekend.”

  “That makes me happy. I mean, not the food …”

  “I know. Okay, but before we go on, there’s something else you should know.”

  I waited for a bit.

  “The suspense is killing me, Leonie.”

  I spit the whole thing out, afraid to stop and hear the consequences.

  “Every Thanksgiving, I go to the Hastings’ house for dinner. I’ve been their permanent guest since I was a child, and it kept even after Daniel and I were no longer a couple. I don’t know how to explain it, other than to say it was always important to his mom that I was there, and I wanted to please her. She has always been a really good friend to my aunt and me. The Thanksgiving dinner is a huge event for her, and she deserves to have someone who appreciates her at her table.”

  “Don’t her husband and son fill that spot?”

  I scoffed.

  “You’d think so, but no.” I paused, not wanting to get into exactly what I thought of her son and husband. “I stay for a couple of hours and then I go home, which is when the real fun begins. I would bail this year, but I already promised Deanna I’d come, and I hate backing down from this promise to her.”

  “How far is it?”

  “An hour’s drive on a majestic, coastal highway, I may add.”

  “I will drive you there. I’ll just tour the town in my car and wait until you finish with your obligatory dinner, and then we can go to your aunt’s together.”

  That sounded easy enough, which seemed to just punctuate the thought that Joel’s mission in life seemed to be making life easier for me. Since the moment I’d met him, he’d gone out of his way to accommodate my needs. I had to find a way to reciprocate.

  Twenty-Six

  “Silly Girl.”

  LEONIE

  No matter how many times I smacked it away, shifted, or cut Daniel an angry glare, his hand kept finding its way to my knee. His dad was looking intently at me, and Mrs. Hastings was watching her husband with a strange look on her face. All four of us seemed to be ignoring the other guests.

  Since his confrontation with Joel, Daniel had disappeared. I’d let him know via text that I’d be seeing him at the dinner table and wouldn’t ride home with him, and he hadn’t responded. Judging by his brooding attitude when I got there, he hadn’t taken it well.

  I was stuck sitting between my ex and an old lady I’d never met before. Deanna used these dinners to gather all the family members from everywhere. Aunts, nieces, cousins, second and third cousins, stepmoms and stepdads. Her dining room fit twenty-five people easily. It was a decadent, boisterous occasion.

  If this had been my first dinner with the Hastings, I never would have known that Deanna’s side of the family was the one with the money and power. She was quiet and tried to please her husband, and he appeared to enjoy every second of abusing his power.

  I knew Deanna did let him get away with it because she loved him. I also knew all the rest did it out of political and financial interest. Every one of the members of this family had a political career, or at least a very well-positioned bureaucratic place in the administration.

  At fifteen, when I was first invited to Thanksgiving at their house, I expected a warm and welcoming atmosphere, a feeling that I craved. At sixteen, I started to see the cracks in the perfect image, and I paid more attention to the fake smiles. At twenty-one, I was counting the seconds until I could escape the viper’s nest.

  I pretended to arrange a napkin on my lap and pushed Daniel’s hand away before cutting him a pointed look. Apparently, my eyes weren’t convincing enough—either that or he didn’t get the hint because a minute later, his hand was back.

  I excused myself and jogged toward one of the studies to text Joel.

  Me: I think I will cut the dinner short. Are you nearby?

  Joel: Google Maps says fifteen minutes, tops. On my way.

  Me: Okay, don’t get caught up in Healdsburg’s beauty.

  Joel: Only one beauty in Healdsburg I’m interested in.

  I was grinning at my phone when I heard the door of the study close. Daniel.

  “Hey,” I said, wondering why he followed me and what his parents would think of us alone in the study. “Would you tell Deanna I’m sorry, but I have to go. I will walk out through the back, I don’t want to disturb anyone.”

  “Why are you leaving?”

  “You know why, Daniel.”

  “Please, sit with me for five minutes,” he pleaded, gesturing to the reading chairs by the window.

  I sat on the edge of one of the chairs, wondering how I could make this scene end sooner. Daniel, however, decided to kneel in front of me instead of taking his own seat. He touched my knee, and I jerked my leg back as much as I could. His hand was cold. His already dark eyes fell ruthlessly on my lips.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been distant with you, Leonie.”

  His voice trickled with a sugar I hadn’t remembered hearing ever before.

  “I wanted to give you space to live your life before we settled down, but I realize now how wrong and confusing that was for you.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  He leaned closer to me, and I was drowned in his cologne again. I couldn’t breathe.

  “Daniel, get out of my space, please.”

  He ignored me and slid closer. I placed my hand between my face and his, pushing him back.

  “Silly girl, I’m talking about you and me getting back together.”

  I lost it and sprang from the chair, almost head-butting him in the process.

  “We are not a broken-up couple that needs to get back together! It has been almost four years since we broke up, and at this point, your thinking that we are anything other than friends is pathetic. Daniel, get it through your head!”

  I circled the room with fast steps while he tried to catch up and came after me. We probably resembled two caged animals coming at each other.

  “You’ve had more dates than I would have liked, lately, Leonie, and I don’t understand how you’re doing this just when I’m preparing mentally to settle down,” he said.

  “I don’t need permission from anyone to live my life, and please say you’re joking about the settling down bit!” I shouted. “You can’t be that dense.” I didn’t care how loud I was anymore.

  Daniel stopped abruptly in the middle of the room. If I didn’t think this was all pure madness, I’d have mistaken his grimace for a hurt one.

  “But, Leonie, I love you.”

  I scoffed. He was not to be believed!

  “Did you love me every time your tongue was down some random girl’s throat?”

  “You’re jealous!” he said, and it was obviously not a question. He breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re jealous. I get it, I get it. I promise I will stop messing around on you …”

  “No, Daniel. You don’t get it. I don’t care if you sleep with every girl stupid enough to let you near her. That is my point. We aren’t together. I have no reason to be jealous or angry or hurt by what you do.”

  He extended his arm in a fast movement that he caught me by surprise and grabbed my shoulder.

  “Leo
nie”—he pulled me against him as he leaned down so his face was right in front of mine—“you’re the one I need!” Then his hands were cupping my face and his mouth was on mine.

  It wasn’t that his touch didn’t make me feel anything—revulsion was still a feeling. It was that he had the audacity to think he could just take what he wanted as if my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.

  Enough was enough. I pushed at his chest with all the power I could muster, and he took two steps back, eyes wide.

  “You do not want to add assault to your long list of stalking and harassing, Daniel. I’m not asking anymore, I’m telling. Stay away from me!”

  He narrowed his eyes, grabbed my wrist, squeezing it so tight I had to go closer to him just so he would relinquish the pressure. He smirked when he saw my faltering step toward him and straightened his spine so he wasn’t just impossibly tall. He was intimidating. Something flashed through my head, and I scrunched my nose. What he was doing was something dog trainers did to dominate their pets—give them pain so they behaved to avoid it. I felt my whole body trembling, but it wasn’t fear I was feeling. I was not Daniel’s dog.

  I stomped my heel on his shoe, pressing with all my might, my knee kicking him hard in the process. He hissed and stopped squeezing, but he didn’t let go.

  “I had your virginity. You’re supposed to be mine.”

  “What is this, the middle ages? I am not some piece of property you can stake a claim on.” I yanked my hand free and glared at him. “I swear to everything under the sun, if you ever … and I mean ever, put your hands on me in anger ever again, I will press charges, Daniel. I let it slide the first time because you were drunk, and I’m going to let it slide this time out of respect for your mother, but you won’t get another chance. I am not your girlfriend. I am not your anything. Stay away from me.”

  I headed toward the door, flung it open, and ran out of the study as fast as my heels could carry me. I made it all of ten steps before I caught sight of Deanna in the hallway, looking a little pale.

  “Your son is an animal.”

  I was instantly sorry when I said it, seeing her eyes go wide and her mouth go tight. She’d heard and hadn’t intervened, and I felt like all my affection, all these years, had been wasted. I felt my eyes tearing up. I was too tired and too flustered to risk another confrontation. So, going around her, I walked away and out of that delusional household.

  Joel was right out front and leaning against his car, and the second he saw me, he straightened.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing,” I said, but I heard the trembling in my own voice.

  “Leonie …”

  I hugged his waist, squeezing with all my strength, and he laid his head on mine. Safe. I was safe.

  “Promise you won’t do anything crazy. There are far too many people inside for you to handle, and I don’t want them calling the police on you.”

  His arms around me tightened.

  “What did he do?” he asked, and the vibration of his chest when he spoke made it feel like a growl.

  “He tried to kiss me.”

  The second the words were off my lips, his arms fell away and he was striding toward the front door.

  “No, look. Joel!” I caught his elbow, urging him to stop. “I have tried reasoning with him, and it obviously doesn’t work. You want to have a one-on-one with him and try to talk sense into him, it’s fine by me, but not tonight. Please. I want my aunt to meet you, and I want to just be with you.”

  I held on to his elbows, and I held on to his eyes, pleading. Truth was, if he could do anything to stop Daniel’s antics, I would be relieved. But not like this. Not with a scene where Joel could be harmed.

  “Please?” I tried again, and felt my eyes welling up.

  He gave in, and we got into the car, but I could see the wheels turning behind his gorgeous greens.

  Twenty-Seven

  “What Is It About You?”

  LEONIE

  “Did you bring pajamas that my aunt can see like I asked you to?” I asked Joel, while we were still in front of my childhood home.

  “My tracksuit will be fine; I think?”

  He was staring at the door like he was trying to see through it.

  “Um, Earth to Joel?”

  When he looked to me, I had to hide my grin. I thought he had been obsessing over Daniel, when really, he was stressed about meeting my aunt.

  “I think scared looks good on you,” I teased.

  He opened his gorgeous mouth to protest, but the light went on and Aunt Theresa’s smile blinded us from the door. From the few pictures I had of my parents, I knew she looked almost identical to my dad. She had the brown eyes that were the same color as mine. Her hair was a darker blonde than mine, though.

  “Welcome, babies!” she said and raised her arms toward us. I bent over her in her wheelchair, hugging her with all I had, and to my surprise, Joel bent at the waist and answered to her inviting gesture as well, wrapping the both of us in a group hug that was a little clumsy and a lot awesome. I caught his eyes, and the light in them made me beam.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Masters.”

  “It’s wonderful to have you here, Joel. Thanks for bringing my baby home,” Aunt Theresa said, looking up at my boyfriend.

  “All right! Can I get some real food in me tonight, please? I can hear my own stomach.”

  “For a girl so tiny, she really can get hangry,” Joel teased, and I heard my aunt giggling on her way to the kitchen.

  We trailed close behind as she led us through the small, two-bedroom house that was decorated in beach-meets-boho style. Large windows, white walls and floors, and a lot of turquoise accents. The rugs were sisal, imitating sand. My aunt also loved her plants. She had something living and green almost everywhere you turned, from herbs in the kitchen to potted palms, aloe vera, and spider plants on the back patio.

  “We have turkey, four types of potatoes, mac and cheese, and two types of pie,” I said to Joel, taking inventory and stuffing random things into my mouth while I spoke.

  “This one, you see, is my particular favorite. And I know how to make it too.” I pointed toward the double apple pie. As a New Yorker, I figured he’d appreciate it.

  His eyes got big again, and his shoulders started shaking.

  “Is that the famous apple pie you kept talking about in the car?” Joel asked.

  “Leonie knows all my secrets to this pie!” Aunt Theresa said. “Why don’t you go and take a look at our movie selections while Leonie gets her pajamas on? Maybe you’ll even get a chance to choose a manlier film—”

  “Don’t lie to him!” I yelled from my old bedroom. “I will veto anything with guns blazing. A sob-fest is due!”

  I stopped at the end of the hallway and watched as my mother figure and a dream guy visibly plotted against my wishes, and my heart raced. This was a rush I could get used to.

  After three movies, during which we’d all run ourselves into a sugar coma, when my insomniac of an aunt feigned yawning repeatedly, we decided to go to separate rooms.

  We were in my childhood bedroom, and I was curled against Joel’s side. He was on his back, lying with his arms under his head, eyes closed, lips parted, breathing calmly. I smelled his clove scent and cuddled closer. There were glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling that I’d taped there so long ago that I’d forgotten a time they hadn’t been there. It was past three in the morning, but enough neighbors had put up their Christmas lights already that my room was lit softly.

  My finger started tracing small circles on his chest, and I watched as his eyebrow rose and his mouth tipped up.

  “I thought we were catching some sleep,” he said without opening his eyes.

  “I know, but it turns out that I like watching you.”

  That was an understatement. I wanted to absorb him through my pores. To let him know how much it meant that he showed up for me. Most of all, I wanted him to want me the same way too.


  “So, you really know how to make that apple pie?”

  I laughed. “Yep. It’s a secret family recipe, and if you ask nicely, I might make it for you outside of Thanksgiving too.”

  When I said it, it surprised me to feel that I really wanted to make things for him that made him happy. He just kissed my forehead.

  “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

  I touched the stubble on his cheek and traced his mouth with my fingertip. His lips tipped up.

  “You know what I’d like, handsome?”

  “Hmmmm …” he gave back to me.

  “I think I’d like to give you a professional shave.”

  His arm around me squeezed.

  “Only if you can do it with a straight razor,” he challenged.

  “You bet your sexy ass I can! Couldn’t call myself a barber otherwise.”

  “Though you were a hairdresser.”

  “That too.” I breathed out a contented sigh. “I have a confession to make.”

  “I seem to bring these out of you,” he said and pulled me on top of him.

  He stifled my small squeal, his mouth easily finding mine. I straddled him and pushed at his chest so I could put some distance between our faces. He was watching from under his lowered lashes, and I smiled, thinking his lashes were possibly longer than mine.

  “You’re the first guy to ever come into my bedroom,” I whispered, and his hands squeezed against the small of my back.

  “I seem—” He lifted his head and kissed my lower lip. “To be—” He pulled on my lip with his teeth. “A lot of your firsts.” He squeezed his teeth, and I could feel my whole body pulsate from that. I pushed against his hard-on, and he groaned.

  “Leonie …”

  “I thought it was cute earlier, what you did with me and my aunt.” I changed the subject and touched my nose to his neck.

  He stroked up and down my back with one of his long fingers, eventually coming to rest at the nape of my neck, where he lifted my hair and played with it.

  “What is it about you?” he whispered.

  I waited for him to go on and squeezed his shoulder.

  “I was nervous because you’re the first person who has ever introduced me to their family.”