by Jen Meyers
“This purple one is amethyst—my favorite crystal. It protects from all kinds of harm, relieves stress, balances mood, alleviates grief, and removes negativity. THIS, now that I think about it,” she said, pointing at Lucky, “is as close as you get to a crystal that heals everything. Plus,” she turned back to me, “it will draw love to you. And I know you need that right now, especially.”
She plucked the necklace from my hand and fastened it around my neck. It was beautiful, falling against my breastbone, glinting in the waning sunlight.
My throat felt tight. She’d poured her heart and soul into this gift. Something that looked silly and small to other people—and to me, previously, if I’m being honest—suddenly meant more to me than most gifts I’d ever received.
It was right up there with the desk my dad had given me, and the one Josh had made as a replacement.
She stepped back to see how the necklace looked, then nodded at it. “It’s even more effective if you wear it against your skin.”
I tucked the necklace inside my dress and pressed my hand over it.
“Thank you, Harmony,” I said, fighting tears, and she wrapped me in a rose-scented hug. I held onto her tightly. “I just…thank you.”
“I know, honey,” she said. “It’s okay.”
When we let go, I had to wipe my eyes. Again. I swear, I’d been crying for a solid week, but I couldn’t seem to stop.
Bliss stared at the house, peering into the living room windows at all the people still there. “So…where’s Josh? I thought for sure he’d be here.”
I shook my head. “I…um…didn’t call him.”
“WHAT?!” The Girls all said at once.
“But…” Ever said. “But…he LOVES you. How could you not tell him your dad died?”
“Wait,” Summer said. “Didn’t he drop everything and drive you here like a week ago?”
Oh, god. Why did I tell my friends everything? It always came back to bite me in the ass.
“Yes…but things got…complicated.” I was blushing so hard that I couldn’t look any of them in the face. “And I’d texted him a couple of times, but he didn’t text me back.”
“And you didn’t even call him? You didn’t give him a chance to be here for you?” Harmony looked at me in horror. “Why would you do that to him?”
Bliss gasped. “Oh my god! You SLEPT with him and then freaked out.” Eyes wide, she was nodding like she was some kind of sex psychic. How the hell did she know that? “Holy shit. And you’re in love with him. I KNEW there was something different about you.”
Lucky slapped my arm.
Hard.
“Ouch!” I looked at her incredulously as I rubbed the spot. “What the hell was that?”
“How could you not TELL us?” she said, not looking even a little sorry. “We have a PACT to tell ALL.” She turned immediately to Ever. “Except for you. I do not want to hear the details of you and my brother. You’ve got four other best friends to talk to about your sex life. But for everyone else—” She looked at me again, fire in her eyes. “—we have a tell-all policy.”
“Oh my god, Will,” Ever said. “This is HUGE. You’re in love!” She grinned at me. “I’m so happy for you!” She threw her arms around my neck. “About Josh, I mean. God, I probably shouldn’t be happy for you at your dad’s funeral.”
They all started talking at once, analyzing this new turn in my love life, rejoicing that Josh had finally broken through to me. My heart ached and I pressed the amethyst into my skin, willing it to do its magic. If it was going to work, NOW would be a really great time for it to kick in. Because I knew they were about to realize things weren’t all hearts and flowers in WillowLand.
“Wait,” Harmony said, and I cringed at the confusion in her voice. Here it was. “If you’re in love with him—and we know he’s in love with you—explain to us why he isn’t here?”
Five pairs of eyes focused on me, and everyone had stopped talking.
Except Lucky. “Don’t tell me…”
She hit me again. In the same freaking spot.
“What the fuck, Lucky?” I stepped out of reach as I pulled the sleeve of my dress up to see the red mark she’d left on my skin.
“You screwed it up,” she said. Her voice went soft in disbelief as she sat down on the bench with a thump. “I can’t believe you screwed it up. He’s a good one. Even I could see that.”
“Oh, Will…” Ever’s eyebrows tilted up to meet in the middle.
Summer just shook her head.
“But he was the One for you,” Harmony said sadly. “Your auras perfectly complemented each other.”
“I just…” My voice trailed off.
What could I say to them? How could I justify anything I’d done? They wouldn’t understand. They were so much stronger than me when it came to love.
“You were scared,” Bliss said.
It was so simple. Those three words.
My life summed up.
Bliss understood. I could see that as I met her gaze.
But looking around at all my friends, I’d realized that a large part of me—the part that belonged to Josh—was missing. I had my friends. I had what was left of my family. But I didn’t have Josh.
I WAS scared. Terrified out of my mind to find myself in love with him. Jesus. I was in love with Josh. It was everything I’d tried so hard to avoid…and yet it felt like everything I’d ever wanted.
And it had me frozen in fear, unable to move forward and risk my heart because Josh was everything.
I’d just lost my dad…how could I put myself out there and risk losing it all?
“Willow, honey, it’s time for you to go home.” My mom patted my hand, then lifted her cup to take a sip of coffee.
Even before she’d finished that sentence I was shaking my head, but she held up a hand to stop the string of excuses I’d been giving for sticking around the past three weeks.
Some might call it hiding.
And they’d be right.
But I didn’t want to go back to the city. I didn’t want to get back to my life.
I didn’t want to face Josh. Everything was changed between us. There was no going back to the way things had been before. There was no just being friends.
Either I risked my heart or I lost him.
Seems like a no-brainer, right? But what if I risked my heart and STILL lost him. It happened to people all the time. Every single day. Either way I could lose. How do you make a choice under those circumstances?
But if I stayed here, safely cocooned in my parents’ house, I could put it off indefinitely.
Luckily my job allowed me to work from anywhere, and I had a stockpile of bad date stories from which to throw together a column even though I hadn’t been out with anyone in weeks. (And that was thanks to Darius who’d been able to pull all my files off my old laptop and send them to me.)
“I’m fine, sweetheart,” my mom said, setting her mug down. “You need to go live your life, not mine. I don’t want you to do this.” She reached over and squeezed my hand. “Your father wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”
My father.
At just the mention of him, my eyes welled up.
I still couldn’t believe he was gone.
“Oh, sweetheart, I know.” My mom’s grip tightened on my hand. “Me, too.” Her voice was choked with emotion. “But we’ve got to keep on, you know? He’d want that for both of us.”
I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean it was easy to do.
I missed my dad like crazy, and my heart felt like it was breaking every time I thought about him. But life had gone on. All around us. I’d realized I would get through losing him because that’s what you did. That’s how you survived—you kept someone in your heart because you didn’t have any other choice.
I knew that now.
But what I didn’t know—and this was terrifying me more than anything, now that I thought about it—was how would I possibly survive losing the love of
my life?
I looked at my mom. She’d lost the love of hers after more than thirty years together, and she clearly didn’t regret one moment of it. In fact, she’d said more than once how lucky they’d been to have had so much time together.
Would I regret loving Josh?
Did anyone ever regret true love?
While I was still scared to love him, in that moment I realized I was even MORE scared to lose him. That if I didn’t even try, I had no chance of ever having him in my life again. And I would regret THAT for the rest of my life.
He’d said it. I had to come to him. It was up to me now.
twenty-five
The taxi ride from the airport back to my apartment was a blur of attempted texts to Josh that ended in me deleting every single one.
I didn’t know what to say. Or how to say it.
I’d gotten so good at DIYing almost everything in my life, but here was one thing I hadn’t a clue how to fix.
Maybe first I shouldn’t be trying to do it with a text. Clearly this was a face-to-face kind of situation.
As soon as I got to our building, I went straight to Josh’s door and knocked.
No answer.
But it was four o’clock in the afternoon, and in all likelihood he was working. So I went into my place, unpacked, and washed the plane ride off of me. I checked in with the magazine, caught up on emails, and let everyone know I was back in town. Then I went around opening windows to let in some fresh air. Four weeks of being shut up tight had left my apartment smelling stale and stuffy.
When I got to the living room and went for the window next to my desk, I stopped. The desk he’d made me was still there—of course it was. My fingers slid over the smooth surface as my heart kicked up a notch in panic.
What if I couldn’t fix this? What if I’d lost him forever?
What if I was too late?
I pressed my palm onto the warm wood, over the stripes of bamboo he’d added because he knew I loved them. My hand where his hands had been, where he’d crafted something just for me. A gift like no other.
Just like Josh himself.
I pulled out my phone and looked at the clock. Three hours had gone by in what felt like a few seconds. I had an idea of how to get to Josh, so I grabbed my bag and headed out to the grocery store.
When I got back, I unloaded everything, tossing out the stuff in my fridge that had expired while I was gone. Then I grabbed two beers—a local Hefeweizen, Josh’s favorite—and headed for the roof as I pulled out my phone.
It had all started on the roof for us, so it felt like the right place to make amends.
I sent off a quick text.
ME: Hey. I’m back. Meet me on the roof?
Then I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Ten minutes bled into twenty.
ME: You there? I wanted to talk. Apologize.
Thirty minutes became forty-five.
ME: Okay, I wanted to do this in person, but you’re not here, probably because you’re angry with me, and I get that. I deserve it. So I guess I’ll just tell you here.
I was wrong. And I lied to you. That night was not just like any other. It was the most amazing night of my life, and that scared the shit out of me. Which is why I said what I said the next morning. But none of it was true.
What IS true is that…
I paused, my fingers hovering over the letters on my screen, my heart racing at the thought of committing these words to type. Putting them out there for him to see. It was one of the scariest things I’d ever done. But it was the truth.
My truth.
I love you. And I have for a long time.
He didn’t text me back.
Okay, so I deserved this. I’d been awful to him, said things I didn’t mean, hurt him. I know. Clearly, I was going to have to work hard for his forgiveness.
If he’d forgive me.
No, I couldn’t bear to think like that. There had to be something I could do. In fact, if he wouldn’t come to me, then I would go to him.
Grabbing the two bottles, now warm from sitting out for so long, I hurried back down the stairs, went straight to his door, and banged on it with my fist.
“Josh?! Come on. Open up. It’s Will.”
Sounds came from behind the door, footsteps coming toward me, and I sent up a quick prayer that he didn’t have a girl over because that would kill me. How was I supposed to tell him I’d been stupid and that I loved him if he was on a date?
The door swung open and this gorgeous blonde stood looking at me with a bemused expression on her face.
She was exactly Josh’s type, too, and my heart fell out of my body, hit the floor with a thud. It was so loud, I was surprised she didn’t hear it.
Of course he wasn’t alone. Had I really expected him to be? He was the Perfect Guy. And he’d clearly moved on.
I could have walked away right then, and believe me, a part of me wanted to, but it wasn’t in me to give up so easily on something I really wanted.
And I’d come to realize I REALLY wanted Josh.
“Can I help you?” she said.
I peered behind her, trying to see farther into the apartment. “Is Josh here?”
“Josh…?” She shook her head, a confused look on her face. “Are you sure you have the right apartment?”
My heart stopped as my eyes landed on photos I’d never seen before, posters on the wall that hadn’t been there before. And seriously, who, over the age of twenty, puts up posters on their walls?
Oh. God.
A guy appeared behind her, put his hands on her shoulders and smiled at me. “Hi,” he said.
I bit my lip. “Did you guys just move in?” I knew the answer already. I don’t even know why I asked.
They both nodded. “Yeah, a couple weeks ago,” the woman said. “You live in the building?”
I nodded my head toward my door, directly across the hall from theirs. Then I handed them the two beers.
“I’m Maggie and this is Antonio.” She held out her hand. I shook it, forcing myself to smile.
“Will.” I gave a little wave. “Welcome to the building,” I said lamely because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Disappointment and despair filled my lungs with every breath and flowed through my bloodstream. Then I turned, went into my apartment, shut the door and sank down on the floor because I didn’t know what else to do.
Josh was gone. He’d moved without even telling me.
Oh my god. What if I—
NO. I was not going to accept defeat this easily. I’d made a mess and it was time for me to clean it up. I knew where his new place was. I would just go there right now and demand that he listen to me. At least to let me explain in more detail than I could in a text.
So I scrambled to my feet, grabbed my keys and was running down the stairs, not sure whether to keep my hopes up or squash them down. It probably didn’t matter. I was going to be crushed either way if I’d lost him for good.
The streets were crammed with unavailable taxis. My eyes searched for one yellow car with the lights on but there were none to be seen. After about twenty seconds, I gave up and headed for the subway. With all this traffic, I figured it would probably get me there sooner anyway.
Or not.
It felt like forever and then some for the train to come, and by the time I got back above ground, I’d gone through every emotion. Twice. Equal parts panicked and determined, I strode quickly down the street toward Josh’s building.
Lights blazed from inside, lighting up his windows with warm amber, and my heart leaped into my throat as I got closer.
This was It. This was my Big Moment. If I’d been writing a book, this would be the climax for my hero and heroine to FINALLY come together and make it all work.
My breath came fast, and I could feel every cell in my body on high alert. Heart pounding, I couldn’t stop grinning because I KNEW this was going to work. I knew it in my bones. In my soul.
/> Josh and I were meant to be together. Thinking back over all the things he’d done for me, all the ways in which he’d shown me how he felt, how he’d opened his heart and his life to me. These were things that didn’t go away easily, that didn’t fade.
And I knew without a doubt that he would understand, that he would still love me.
Love me. He loved me. I could feel the echo of his love reverberate through my whole body. God, it felt good.
If only I’d known, maybe I’d have come around sooner. Or not been so stupid in the first place.
HA. I know. But at least I’d finally come around, you know?
I practically bounced up the steps to his door, a stupid grin on my face.
Then I pressed the bell and stepped back. As I waited, I grabbed my wild locks and twisted my hair into a loose ponytail at the back of my head. Then I dug around in my bag for a mint because in all my haste to find him, I hadn’t stopped to brush my teeth. Popping a TicTac into my mouth, I did a quick tug on my shirt and pants to get them back into place.
All ready.
I took a deep breath and smiled, waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
My smile faded the longer I stood there. I knocked on the door because maybe he hadn’t heard the bell. In fact, that was probably the problem—the doorbell wasn’t hooked up yet. Come to think of it, I hadn’t heard anything when I’d pressed it.
So I knocked as loudly as I could.
“JOSH!”
And I listened.
There were no sounds. Not even when I pressed my ear against the heavy wooden door.
I pounded my fist against it, thundering sound that he had to hear no matter where he was inside.
“JOSH!” I yelled again. “Josh…please.”
And I suddenly had this image of him on the other side of the door. Waiting for me to go away. Quiet and somber. Not wanting to even see or speak to me. So hurt and angry at me that he didn’t want anything more to do with me ever again.
