Zodiac Girls: Star Child

by Cathy Hopkins

  “And you, you’re supposed to be King of the Gods,” I said. “You should be setting an example, not acting like a lout.”

  Selene and Nessa cracked up laughing. “Jupiter. You’re a lout,” sniggered Selene.

  He looked well put out and looked around at the others. Then his face cracked a huge smile. “This is like the parties we used to have on Mount Olympus in the old days. Remember? Ah, those were the days. Come on, let’s do the Zorba dance.” He summoned everyone into the position for Greek dancing – a line where they stood side to side with their arms along the shoulder of the person next to them.

  “No, NO, time to eat. You need some food,” I urged as I climbed down off the chair.

  “We need to dance,” said Selene and she looked as if she might burst into tears at any moment. “Nobody dances enough anymore. Come on, let’s be butterflies.” And she started flapping her arms like wings. She really is loonie, I thought as I watched her.

  “That’s true, need to dance,” chorused Mum and Nessa and for a moment they looked sad, but then they began to be butterflies as well.

  “Your mum is great,” said Rachel and she began to be a butterfly too.

  “Put on Zorba the Greek music,” said Joe. “I’m King so I get to say what dance we do. In fact, no, forget the Zorba, let’s do the plate-smashing dance. Mrs Battye, where are your plates?”

  “NOOOOOOOOOO,” I said as a picture of a kitchen full of smashed crockery flashed through my mind. I climbed back up on the chair. “All of you BEHAVE. This is terrible. Have you forgotten who you are? No. You either do as I say or you leave now and NO SUPPER and definitely no pudding and Aunt Nikkya had made coconut ice-cream specially!”

  The planet people and Mum and Dad hung their heads and looked at the floor like a bunch of naughty five year olds – but it had done the trick. They took their seats according to the table plan.

  “She’s very strict,” Dr Cronus whispered to Joe as he wobbled past and sat down.

  “I know,” said Joe. “Scary.”

  Serving the food was simple enough and between Rachel, Mum and I, it was on the table in an instant. Everyone oohed and aahed and said it smelt wonderful. Aunt Nikkya was a great cook and, as everyone settled down to eat, albeit shakily on a few people’s part, it appeared that the evening was back on course and was going to be a success after all.

  “Welcome,” said Dad. “Eat. Enjoy.”

  It was then that I noticed that Mr O was looking uncomfortable in his seat. He was scowling at Dr Cronus.

  “Are you looking at me funny?” he asked.

  “Maybe,” the doctor replied.

  “Well, don’t,” said Mr O. “In fact, don’t look at me at all. It’s very annoying.”

  “Not as annoying as you are sometimes,” he returned. “Always wanting to be the centre of things.”

  “Hey guys, chill,” said Selene.

  “You can talk,” Mr O replied to her.

  “Me? What have I done? It’s you that’s full of yourself,” said Selene.

  “You can talk. No one’s more full of themselves than you when you’re full. The whole Earth gets to know about it!”

  “So? Being full is part of what I do. I am the Moon you know.”

  “Now, now,” Joe admonished. “Try and get along.”

  Selene, Dr Cronus and Mr O glowered at each other.

  “Grrr,” said Selene.

  “Grrr,” Mr O growled back and then he picked up a piece of bread from the bread basket and flicked it at her.

  “Now stop it,” said Joe with a glance at me. “In case Miss Strict Bottom starts up again because I, for one, want my supper.”

  “Miss Strict Bottom,” sniggered Dr Cronus. “Tee hee. He said bottom.”

  “What’s the matter with them?” I whispered to Nessa who was sitting next to me. “Why are they arguing and acting like five year olds?”

  “Because of where they’ve been placed,” she whispered back. “The Sun and Saturn are in direct opposition in your chart and now they are again, sittin’ where they’ve been put by you. There are bound to be arguments. You’ve put Selene in at a strange angle too.”

  Oh no, I thought. Of course. It should have been obvious to me. The Sun and Saturn weren’t the only ones in opposition. It wasn’t long before Joe began to look agitated too.

  “Don’t like my seat,” he whined.

  “Me neither,” said Captain John.

  And they started on the bread basket too. First Joe flicked his bread at Selene. She flicked it back. Dr Cronus threw a chunk of his. It hit Joe on the head, so he joined in. Soon it was a bread fight with chunks of bread flying through the air and showering crumbs all over the place.

  “Brilliant,” said Mum. “These guys are such fun.” And she joined in.

  No, no, I thought. This isn’t how it’s meant to go. “Rachel, what should I do?”

  “As your mum just said, if you can’t beat them, join them,” she said and she joined in.

  The noise level was rising again, food was flying everywhere, everyone was laughing or yelling insults and I could hear Mrs Janson banging on the wall again.

  “Les dance again,” slurred Selene. “Les all be the sea.” And she got up and started her funny sway dance. The others didn’t take much encouragement to get up and join in.

  Captain John looked particularly moved. “Yes. Let’s be the sea,” and he started waving his arms in the air.

  Mr O went and put some music on, Nessa yelled, “Conga,” and off they went again, in a line, into the kitchen where Mr O found a laundry basket full of underwear. In a second, they all had a pair of Mum’s big knickers on their heads. This caused great hilarity especially when Dr Cronus put on a pair that were pink with purple polka dots. Selene and Mr O were on the floor hooting with laughter and having hysterics.

  “Stop it, stop it,” I cried. “Put everything back in the basket.”

  But no one listened to me. Knickers on head, they got back in their line and conga-ed out the back, once around the garden and back into the hall.

  “We don’ get to let our ’air down very often,” said Nessa as she danced past me, her hair completely loose and wild. “Come on, join in. Let’s party.”

  I felt the knot in my stomach tighten so much I thought I was going to be sick. I felt my fists clench too. There was no way I could party feeling like this. I shut the door to the garden behind them and they conga-ed into the living room. “La la la la la la laaa,’ they all sang.

  And then I heard a scream. I ran to see what was going on.

  “Cushion fight,” said Captain John and whacked Selene around the head. She grabbed one herself and whacked him back.

  “Come on,” said Rachel who seemed to be having the time of her life. “I’m really good at this and so are you. Remember, you used to be pillow-fight champion.”

  “Yes, come on, Thebe,” said Mum as her and Dad picked up cushions ready to join in.

  I felt rooted to the spot. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My honoured guests who had arrived only an hour earlier looking so sophisticated, had rolled their sleeves up and were playing and screaming like children. None of them heard the doorbell ring.

  Hermie, I thought as I went to answer it, at last, he’s come to save the day. I opened the door.

  It wasn’t Hermie.

  “Now then, Miss. Are your parents or any adults at home?” asked a serious-looking, bald policeman with big teeth. “We’ve had some complaints.”

  Selene chose that moment to dance through into the hall. “Herro occifer,” she slurred. “I’m re moon yunno. D’ya wanna a glass of Moon what is is? Majeecan. Mahittan. Moon milk. S’very nice. “Sgot honey in it. Not supposed to have honey, tee hee.”

  Dr Cronus came after her brandishing a cushion. “Gotya, gotya, you naughty little madam,” he called as he waved the cushion in the air. Unfortunately, Selene ducked and the cushion bashed the policeman over the head. Gently, it must be said, but the officer was not amused.
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br />   “I think you’d better come with me, sir,” he said.

  Dr Cronus (who still had the knickers on his head) smiled at the policeman and linked arms with him. “Where we going? Some’ere nice? And have you been a good boy today? Done your lessons? Good boy, you’re very smart. ’ve you gorany honey? Hmm. Les be bees. Buzz buzz buzz just like a busy bee.”

  At that moment, the other planets emerged from the living room in their conga line again and as they did, I noticed Mum and Dad break off from the end and make a dive for the kitchen, closing the door behind them. Luckily, the policeman was so distracted by what was happening at the front of the house that he didn’t notice them disappear.

  “Ole, ole, ole, ole,” sang the planets as they danced out the front door and down the path where four more policemen were waiting by a large van. One of the policemen opened the doors.

  My last sight of our guests was as they were ushered into the back and taken off down to the police station leaving Rachel and I staring after them.

  “Oops,” said Rachel.

  Chapter Ten

  Paparazzi nightmare

  The press went bonkers. It was in all the papers the next day. One of the broadsheets said:

  “CELEBRITY ASTROLOGER, BENJAMIN BATTYE ENTERTAINS THE STARS

  Arrests were made at the home of celebrity astrologer Benjamin Battye on Friday night, after complaints from the neighbours about noise. Eight disorderly people were arrested and kept over night in police cells. Staff said they’d never seen anything like it saying that the arrested party were ‘off their heads’, and ‘behaving like lunatics’. One of them kept saying that she was the Moon and another claimed to be from the planet Venus, another said he was the King of the Gods, another the King of the Sea. The officer in charge said: ‘I’ve had idiots in here before thinking that they were Napoleon or Cleopatra but this lot took the prize. Now I’ve seen it all.’”

  Mr Battye and his wife, Estella declined to comment after their guests were taken away, but neighbour Mrs Janson said that there had been “some very strange comings and goings” at the house in recent weeks.

  The tabloids weren’t as kind.

  BENJY’S PALS ARE TRULY BATTY.

  A fancy-dress party turned ugly when celebrity astrologer Benjamin Battye’s guests went truly batty after drinking something named ‘Aunt Nikkya’s fruit punch’, which was clearly a code name for something a lot more potent. All were carted off to prison after arguing with police officers and claiming to be from other planets. Selene (the Moon) Lune tried to kiss the officer in charge, Nessa (Venus) attempted to get Sergeant Watson and his colleagues to do the conga. Dr (Saturn) Cronus, an esteemed headmaster, hit a policeman then insisted on wearing a pair of bright pink knickers on his head and became hysterical if anyone tried to remove them.

  “A right bunch of lunatics,” said Sergeant Watson. “They should all be locked up for a very long time.”

  I had got out my Zodiamobile the minute after they’d all been carted off to the station and texted Hermie.

  Urgent. All the planets except for Uri have been arrested. Please help.

  But of course he hadn’t replied.

  “This isn’t a joke anymore,” I said to Mum the next morning after Dad had gone down to the police station with a big wad of cash to use as bail to get our planet friends out.

  Mum was lying in bed with the curtains drawn even though it was ten o’clock. “Still no word from Hermie?” she asked.

  “Not one. What’s the point of having a guardian if he’s not around when I need him? And I really need him now.”

  Mum winced. “Not so loud, baby. After that trouble last night, I hardly slept a wink and I’ve got a terrible headache.”

  “I’m not shouting,” I replied. “In fact, I’m talking quietly.”

  “Well would you mind doing it next door, I need to sleep.”

  I tiptoed out. She did look tired and so had Dad this morning but he’d managed to drag himself out because a phone call had come from the police station saying that if he was willing to put up bail and vouch for them, then the planet people could be released.

  In the meantime, Pat and Yasmin had come home after their sleepover. Both of them were absolutely livid. They had seen the morning papers and blamed me.

  “You complete idiot, Thebe,” said Pat as she showed me the first paper. “How could you have let this happen? It will be all around school on Monday. How am I going to explain it? My street cred has been totally destroyed thanks, or rather, no thanks to you. You are the most stupid idiot on the planet. This whole family is stupid and now the whole world knows it.”

  “My sentiments exactly,” said Yasmin. “I’m going to call my mum and dad immediately and ask them to get me out of this mad house as soon as possible. I don’t want to stay here another minute in case what you’ve all got is catching!”

  Well if Yasmin goes, at least some good might have come out of last night, I thought, as they flounced up to Pat’s room and slammed the door behind them. I went to sit on the bottom stair. Outside, the sky was grey and it had begun to rain. Just like how I feel, I thought, as my eyes filled with tears. I really needed to talk to Rachel so I got up to get the portable phone and dialled her number.

  “Thebe,” she whispered when I’d got through. “I’m not allowed to speak to you. Mum’s seen the papers and says you and your family are a bad influence. I will, of course, but can’t just now.”

  In the background, I heard her mother. “Is that Thebe Battye? You put the phone down this instant.”

  “Later,” I said. I didn’t want to get her into any more trouble. Her mum had looked very angry when she’d come to pick her up and found the house surrounded by the police.

  Just after I’d put the phone down, I heard a commotion outside. I went over to the window and looked out. Two people carriers had drawn up outside. Inside the carriers were six very grumpy and dishevelled looking zodiac people and Dad.

  Minutes later, they trooped in, filed into the living room and slumped on the sofas and the floor.

  “Thebe, fetch blankets and water. Lots of it. And strong coffee.”

  I nodded and set about doing what I was told. After they’d had their coffee, they settled down to sleep and soon the only sound was that of snoring.

  “It’s been a storm,” said Dad as the doorbell rang, “but I think it will blow over. Get the door will you.”

  I went to the front and opened the door. A bright light flashed in my face.

  “Any comment, darlin’?” asked a fat man with a pale face.

  More lights flashed, almost blinding me.

  “You Battye’s girl?” asked a female voice.

  “Were you ’ere last night?” asked a man.

  “Any comment?” asked another man.

  “Do you think you’re from a planet then?” asked another, which caused everyone to snigger.

  “We need to talk to the birds who say that they’re Venus and the Moon,” insisted the fat man. “Exclusive interview with our paper.”

  “And we want that gorgeous geezer who says he’s the Sun,” said a lady with blonde hair and a lot of makeup. “Ask if he’ll do a photo shoot in his boxers – especially for the ladies.”

  “Phwoar, not ’alf,” said another lady.

  I blinked and tried to focus. There must have been about fifteen, maybe twenty of them.

  “Daaaaaaaaaad,” I called.

  Dad came into the hall and got what was happening immediately. “Ohmygiddyaunt. Close the door, Thebe.”

  I closed the door and turned to Dad. “What’s going on? Why are they all here?”

  “Looks like they’ve sniffed out that there’s more to the story, maybe even realized who they are.”

  “But people think that they’re mad don’t they, not that they’re really from another planet? Surely it will blow over.”

  Dad shook his head. “I hope so, but it might blow our friends’ cover while they’re down here on earth. They might a
ll lose their businesses and have to relocate. In the meantime, we have to protect them. This is bad. This could damage our reputation too. Everything we’ve worked for. No one will want to buy our merchandising and no one will want to read my columns. We’ll be a laughing stock. The batty Battyes. Oh dear, Thebe. You have to go in there and wake them all up, explain the situation and let’s see if we can get them out the back.”

  It wasn’t an easy task waking six hungover planets.

  “Go away,” said Nessa. “I need my beauty sleep.”

  “Noisy, noisy,” moaned Selene. “Be quiet, noisy person.”

  “Go and do your homework, child,” groaned Dr Cronus.

  “Hey! No need for that,” I said. “I’m on your side. Look, there are more than a dozen paparazzi outside and they want to get in and photo you and interview you. Dad says they could blow your cover and destroy our reputation. What are you going to do?”

  Dr Cronus sat up and rubbed his head. I was glad to see that he had taken the knickers off and, apart from bleary eyes, he looked back to his usual serious self. “Hmm. We have a crisis here. Now then, let’s think. Okay, Thebe, do you think you’ve learnt your lesson yet?”

  “Me! My lesson. What are you on about? It’s you lot that have just spent the night in a police cell, not me.”

  “Your fault though,” said Nessa, “you organized everything.”

  I was still reeling at what Dr Cronus had said and it seemed very unfair. I felt all the frustration I’d been holding back about being ignored in my special month bubbling up to the surface. “Listen here, you lot. Okay, so last night was a disaster but I did my best, truly I did. You’re the adults. Tell me what to do.”

  Dr Cronus looked at me intently. “Hmm. We need Hermie really, don’t we? Someone to talk to the press. That’s his thing. Communication.”

  “I tried to call him but no reply.”

  “Retrograde,” chorused all the planets who were beginning to sit up, rub their eyes, stretch and get up.

  Dad appeared at the door. “Come on everyone,” he said. “I’ve ordered the carriers to come back and wait around the back of the house. It’s no problem. Thebe, what’s happening out the front?”