Necessary Evil

by Donald Hanley

  “Oh, I, uh, I just –” I stammered.

  “He guessed,” Mrs. Kendricks told her calmly. “I wanted to wait until the right moment to tell you both at the same time and things were a bit hectic until recently.”

  “Well, fine,” she grumbled. “Way to ruin the surprise, Mother.”

  “Nobody else knows,” I said helpfully. Stacy just rolled her eyes and followed her mother upstairs.

  The living room was quite crowded with the eleven of us jammed in there, until Dad and Prescott stacked enough boxes against the wall to clear the center of the floor. The revelation of Stacy’s parentage spawned delighted hugs and handshakes all around, as if Stacy was eighteen hours old instead of eighteen years, but that was nothing compared to the excitement that followed Melissa’s shriek.

  “Oh my God!” she exclaimed, covering her mouth with one hand and pointing with the other. “Is that what I think it is?” A large diamond ring graced Mrs. Kendricks’ left hand.

  “Arial did me the great honor of agreeing to become my wife,” Prescott said modestly, although his smile stretched from ear to ear. That prompted another round of hugs and kisses and congratulations, although Susie, Amy, and I stayed out of the way.

  “So I’ll get a diamond when Cameron proposes to me?” Susie mused thoughtfully. She inspected the rings on her fingers, as if deciding which one to swap out for her hypothetical engagement ring.

  “Don’t hold your breath on that,” I told her. “The two of you are only fifteen.”

  “Does that matter?” she asked with a frown.

  “When we get married,” Amy warned me, “my diamond better be bigger than hers.”

  “We’re not getting married. Ever.” She just smiled to herself.

  The cupcakes were brought out again to celebrate the occasion and Amy managed to snag two more chocolate-iced ones before anyone could stop her. Daraxandriel and Olivia fed theirs to each other, but other than Daraxandriel’s tail getting a bit familiar under Olivia’s skirt, they remained well-behaved.

  The womenfolk – minus Susie and Amy – gathered around Mrs. Kendricks to offer advice and suggestions on the nuptials, leaving the menfolk on the outskirts.

  “Well,” I observed to Prescott, “that was fast. You haven’t even been here a week.”

  “You think so?” he countered. “As far as I’m concerned, I’m nineteen years late.” He shook his head ruefully. “To think I had a daughter all this time. I wished I’d known. We lost so much time together.”

  “Well, at least you avoided the potty-training, puberty, and driver’s ed years,” Dad chuckled.

  “Except now she’s going off to college in a couple of months. That doesn’t give me much time to catch up.”

  “You have the rest of your life,” Dad reminded him. “Enjoy every minute of it.” Prescott refrained from pointing out that the life expectancy of demon hunters tended to be low.

  “Ryan!” We all turned at Mrs. Kendricks’ call. “I think it’s time for our housewarming gift.” Prescott retrieved the bag from its perch on the lounger and handed it to her. She in turn presented it to Melissa. “It’s a tradition among the Pennsylvania Dutch to give these to young couples moving into their first home, to watch over them as they start their new lives together.”

  “We’re not a couple,” I reminded her hastily, “and there’s five of us living here.”

  “Hush, Peter,” Melissa told me. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Hendricks. I can’t wait to – oh.” She peered through the tissue paper and then extracted a painted statue of a chubby, bearded man with a red stocking cap. “It’s a garden gnome.” She checked the bag and pulled out another, this one an equally rounded woman wearing a white apron. “Two of them. Well, that’s very ... thoughtful of you.” Melissa looked at me for help.

  “They’re very nice,” I told Mrs. Kendricks doubtfully, “but we don’t have a garden. Or a yard,” just in case that wasn’t clear.

  She laughed. “I’m well aware of that. These ones are special, though.” She took the female gnome from Melissa and placed it on one end of the mantel, whispering “Vigilo,” and then she positioned the male gnome at the other end. “Protego.” I half-expected them to suddenly come to life and bow to her or something, but they just stood there like perfectly ordinary, inert plaster gnomes. “May you never need their help,” she told us solemnly.

  “Thank you,” Melissa told her. “I’m sure they’ll fit right in.” Her smile was looking a bit iffy, though. The gnomes looked really out of place amid the rest of her furnishings.

  Mrs. Kendricks laughed again. “You can move them wherever you like. Just keep them within the bounds of your property.”

  Amy sidled up to me. “They’re watching me,” she whispered uneasily.

  “You’re imagining things,” I told her. Their bright blue eyes weren’t even pointed in our direction.

  “I don’t like them,” she said, hunching her shoulders.

  “I’m sure the feeling’s mutual.”

  The impromptu party broke up shortly after, with Mrs. Kendricks, Prescott, and Stacy eager to get on the road and Mom, Dad, and Susie following them out a few minutes later. Melissa gave us about thirty seconds to enjoy the silence before clapping her hands and putting us back to work.

  By the time the sky darkened outside, a third of the boxes still hadn’t been touched, but most of the kitchen stuff was put away, the downstairs bedrooms were more or less sorted out, and we’d made a significant dent in Melissa’s cardboard treasure trove in the second bedroom. Melissa finally called a halt and ordered in Chinese for the troops, a welcome break from pizza.

  “We’ll have to run to the store tomorrow to get groceries and cleaning supplies,” she mused, picking through the remains of her chicken fried rice. “If there’s anything you guys need, put it on the list.” The notepad on the fridge was already half full.

  “So where am I supposed to sleep tonight?” I asked. My dresser and hanging clothes were in the second bedroom but there was no bed in there. Daraxandriel had mine from the house and Olivia and Amy would be using the ones from Melissa’s spare bedrooms.

  “We’ll have to measure all the windows and get curtains as well,” Melissa went on as if she hadn’t heard me.

  “Do you have an air mattress or something I can use until we get another bed?”

  “I guess we’ll need to get extra door keys made for everyone.” She was definitely avoiding looking in my direction.

  “Melissa –”

  “Is everyone finished?” she asked with a cheery lilt, gathering up the remains of her meal. “Remember, everyone’s responsible for keeping this place clean.”

  “Melissa, where am I sleeping?” I insisted. She kept her back to me, mumbling something as she dumped her containers into the trash. “What was that?”

  She cleared her throat. “With me,” she said meekly.

  “Melissa!” I shot a shocked glance at Daraxandriel but she didn’t seem angry or upset, just puzzled.

  “But – don’t you want to be with me?” Melissa asked hesitantly. “I thought – after everything that happened –”

  “No, it’s not that,” I assured her hastily. “It’s just –” I faltered. I didn’t know how to explain my feelings, especially with everyone else watching us. I wasn’t even sure I knew what my feelings were.

  “Oh.” All of the life went out of her and she turned away. “It’s okay. We’ll get some blankets or something for you.”

  “Melissa –”

  “Nay, Peter Simon Collins, ‘tis for the best,” Daraxandriel told me firmly. Melissa and I both looked at her in surprise.

  “What do you mean?” I asked her.

  “’Twould be unseemly for thee and Melissa to share her bed, for I wish to court thee myself.”

  “You what?”

  “I wish to court thee,” she repeated, lifting her chin defiantly.

  “Are you kidding me? You spent all of last month trying to get Melissa and me together. Wh
y are you courting me now?”

  “Thou didst save me from Parathraxas,” Daraxandriel argued. “Thou didst take me in when I was cursed and banished by my Dread Lord and thou hast thwarted Lilixandriel’s schemes. I would have perished but for thee and I desire to show thee my gratitude.”

  “That’s not fair!” Olivia protested. “I want to court him too!”

  “Oh, this is going to be good,” Amy smirked.

  “You can’t court him!” Melissa told them with sudden heat. “He’s my boyfriend!”

  “I can court him if I want to,” Olivia insisted. “He rescued me too and he’s the only person who can see me. When I’m a ghost,” she amended after a moment.

  “But you and Dara are already sleeping together! Why are you interested in Peter at all?”

  “My tail’s flirtation with Olivia is of no moment,” Daraxandriel told her archly, reaching over to pull it off of Olivia’s lap. “I would win Peter Simon Collins’ soul. Heart,” she corrected herself quickly. “I would win his heart.”

  “Dara’s nice to be with,” Olivia admitted, her ears turning pink, “but I want a real boyfriend.”

  “I can’t believe this!” Melissa snapped, throwing up her hands in exasperation. “Why is it so difficult to have sex with you, Peter? I should haven’t to fight off our friends to be with you. I love you and you love me and that should be all that matters.” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Or where you lying when you said that?”

  “No, I meant it,” I told her hurriedly, “but –”

  “Peter,” she said with quiet menace, “it shouldn’t be this hard to figure this out. Which one of us do you want to be with?”

  “Um, Melissa, your hands are on fire.” She looked down. Black flames danced around her clenched fingers and up her arms. She thrust them behind her back and glared at me.

  “I think you should sleep with all of us,” blonde teenage Amy grinned. “It’s only fair.”

  “You stay out of this,” I told her.

  “Nay, Amy has the right of it,” Daraxandriel said with a nod. “We all desire to court Peter Simon Collins. Whyfor make him choose amongst us out of hand? An one of us pleases him above the others, then mayhap he may claim her hand and set the rest aside.”

  “Does that mean we’re taking turns?” Olivia asked doubtfully.

  “I’m in,” Amy said. “Who gets to go first?”

  “This is a really bad idea,” I said uneasily.

  “Shut up, Peter,” Melissa snapped. “This doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

  “I’m pretty sure it does, actually.”

  “Then you should have picked one of us when you had the chance. All right, fine, if that’s the way you want to play this, let’s do it right.” She grabbed her purse from the counter and rooted through its cavernous interior. “Where is –? Ah.” She slapped a string of purple plastic squares on the table.

  Daraxandriel picked them up and looked them over curiously. “Tro-jan?” she pronounced haltingly.

  “Melissa!” I exclaimed in shock. “Why are you carrying condoms around in your purse?”

  She cleared her throat. “I got them before prom, when Brent and I were going to – well, never mind that! Here.” She tore off three of them, stuffed the remainder back into her purse, and uncapped a marker pen. She wrote 1, 2, and 3 on the backs of each packet and flipped them face up, scrambling their positions like a street corner card sharp. “Okay, each of us will take one and we’ll go in that order. We’ll spend one week each with Peter and then he’ll decide who he wants to be his girlfriend.”

  “Nay!” Daraxandriel protested. “Such a plan unfairly favors the first.” Olivia nodded her concurrence.

  “Okay, five days, then.”

  Daraxandriel shook her head. “One day,” she countered.

  “That’s not enough time!” Melissa argued. “I have to work on weekdays.”

  Daraxandriel and Olivia looked at each other. “Three days?” Olivia suggested tentatively. Daraxandriel considered that and then agreed.

  “Fine,” Melissa said tersely. “Everyone pick a number.”

  “Wait a minute,” Olivia said doubtfully. “Why are there four now?”

  I flipped them all over, revealing the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4. I picked up the last one and scowled at Amy.

  “What?” she shrugged. “I deserve a chance to be your girlfriend too.” She plucked the condom from my hand and placed it back on the table with the rest.

  “No, you don’t!” I grabbed the packet but there were still four lying on the table. I took another one and then another and another, but no matter what I did, there were always four condoms left. “How are you doing that?” I demanded in frustration.

  “Peter, stop that, you’re just getting in the way.” Melissa made me drop my growing prophylactic collection. “If Amy wants to court you too, let her. It serves you right for not picking me right away. Now get out and let us finish this.”

  “But –”

  “Out!” Her imperious finger pointed to the hallway. I looked for support from the others but every one of them indicated I should follow Melissa’s orders.

  “But –”

  “Go!”

  “Oh my God,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead, but I went.

  The living room was dark, illuminated only by the floodlights around the community pool in the courtyard below. I fumbled my way into the corner, shifting the boxes aside to reach the pair of floor lamps standing there, and then hunted around for a wall outlet to plug one of them into. The shade was missing so the bare bulb cast stark shadows everywhere. The gnomes on the mantel looked vaguely sinister but I turned my back on them as I sank into the lounger.

  The discussion in the kitchen seemed to be growing a bit heated, although I couldn’t make out any of the words. I told myself I should go back in there and put a stop to this ridiculous game. I knew who I wanted to be with.

  So why don’t you tell them that? Little Peter asked insidiously. Just march back in there and tell her you love her and you want to be with her the rest of your life, however short that turns out to be.

  Because she deserves someone better than me.

  Like who? Every single girl in there is alive because of you. Except Olivia, because she’s dead, but that wasn’t your fault.

  Well –

  Or maybe you just like the idea of four beautiful women playing Bingo with condoms for the chance to sleep with you first.

  No, that’s not it at all! I protested.

  Then what? Little Peter asked scornfully. Why are you being such a dweeb about this?

  Because that’s what I really am, I thought miserably. I’m not a hero. I’m a dweeb.

  They don’t think so, Little Peter told me scornfully. Maybe you should start listening to them for a change.

  “Peter?”

  I looked up, startled. Melissa stood there at the end of the hall, looking nervous and downcast and frightened all at once. She had a purple square clutched in her fingers.

  “Oh.” I cleared my throat and sat up. “So you won, huh?” She licked her lips and took a shuddery breath before holding up the condom and turning it to show me the back. It said 2. “Oh.” Something squeezed my heart and my breath caught in my throat. “Who got number 1 then?”

  She looked down at her hands, twisting the plastic packet between her fingers, and then tossed it onto one of the boxes. “Dara.”

  “Oh.” I looked past her but the hallway was empty. “Where is she?”

  “They all went to bed.”

  “Bed? All of them?” She nodded. “I’m confused,” I confessed. “Isn’t she supposed to be here?”

  “I told them they could have the rest of the cupcakes if they let me go first.”

  “You bribed them with cupcakes?”

  Melissa shrugged. “They’re chocolate.” She looked up at me uncertainly. “Tell me you don’t mind.”

  Whatever was keeping my heart from beating finally let go. “I don�
��t mind,” I assured her. I held out my hand to her and a tentative smile brightened her face.

  She came over and knelt at my feet, taking my hand and pressing it against her cheek. “I know you actually love Dara and I know I’m being selfish but I just wanted to be with you for a little while before you go be with her.” Her tears were warm against my palm.

  “I do love Dara,” I told her, “and I love you and I suppose I even love Olivia a little bit. But,” I lifted her face to look at me, “I want to be with you.”

  She drew her breath in sharply, her eyes wide and hopeful, and then she drew back, shaking her head. “No, you don’t. You’re just feeling sorry for me.” She pulled my hand away. “The crazy chaos girl.”

  “I need a little chaos in my life,” I said firmly. “Don’t you remember what Agent Morgan said? We balance each other, Melissa. We need each other.”

  “You balance Dara too,” she retorted, “or did you forget that part?”

  “Oh, right. Well –” I couldn’t think of a clever comeback to that. “Look, do you want to be my girlfriend or not?”

  She eyed me suspiciously. “Yes?”

  “You don’t sound very enthusiastic.”

  “Well, it’s just that I’ll only have you for three days before it’s Dara’s turn.”

  “We’ll just tell her that you won and the courting is over.”

  “Really?” The hopeful gleam reappeared in her eyes. “You mean it? I won?” I nodded and she nearly knocked the entire chair over backwards leaping into my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. “I love you, Peter Collins!”

  Her kiss bruised my lips and went on long enough to darken the edges of my vision. Then she stopped and pulled back slowly with an uneasy expression.

  “What wrong?” I asked her.

  “Those gnomes are watching us.”

  I twisted around in the chair. “No, they’re not.”

  “They still give me the creeps. Come on, let’s go to my room. Our room,” she corrected herself shyly. She jumped off my lap and pulled me to my feet. “Oh, no, wait, I have to get everything ready. I want our first time to be perfect. Don’t move.” She ran into the hall and reappeared a moment later. “Did you happen to run across a box of candles while we were unpacking?”