My first instinct is to rip out Sydney’s throat, but I take a deep breath—calming myself. “You know she was in an accident, Sydney.”
She turns to me, the smirk still there. “Wow,” she breathes. “So, are you two still dating?” she asks, her gaze swinging between Phoenix and me. Amberson snickers. He tilts his head and stares at Phoenix smugly.
“Yes, we are,” I grit out. My gaze collides with Phoenix, and I can see her knuckles turning white on that chair handle.
“I can’t believe it. I mean, sorry but you were never that pretty,” she says, addressing Phoenix. “I always used to wonder how someone like Kai could have fallen for someone like you. I mean, you were so fat. And Kai’s a catch.”
“Sydney,” I warn, but it’s met with a satisfying grin. I can’t create a scene here because if I start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself from hurting someone.
Dammit!
If this were happening some other place, I’d probably be throttling her and thinking of ways to get rid of the body. But here, it’s different—it’s a family place, I can’t start a brawl here.
Amberson whispers something in Sydney’s ear, and she laughs, looking me up and down, before turning her attention back to Phoenix. “And now, you’re the size of a pencil, and still not that pretty. You’re in a wheelchair, and he’s still dating you. I mean, that’s crazy. It’s like the poor guy is shackled to you. Maybe because of his guilt ....” Sydney says, lightly touching Phoenix’s cheek.
Our jaws just hang there replaying what Sydney just said. This girl is nuts.
Phoenix removes Sydney’s hand from her cheek, and her gaze hits mine. “That will be enough,” I growl, glaring at Sydney, warning her that she’s going too far.
“But I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you had to be in a wheelchair …” Amberson inserts. The color drains from Phoenix’s face, and she inhales sharply. Her eyes are red. Welled up. Screaming for me to make them stop. Something snaps inside of me, and I uncurl my fist.
“Enough!” My hand slaps the table, and I stand up coming face-to-face with Amberson. The music in the room comes to a stop, and I know everyone’s gaze is on us but if I have to scream it to everyone’s face that Phoenix is not to be messed with—I’ll fucking do it. My voice is low and hard when I speak, “One more word to insult her and I. Will. Destroy. You.” His jaws tick, knowing that I can do it. I can destroy him. I can do more than destroy him. He steps back and takes Sydney’s hand in his, ready to leave.
“And one more thing, just to make things clear,” I say before they leave. “I love Phoenix with my whole being. Come near her or me next time with your tantrums, and I promise you, I’ll let the world know what kind of messages, pictures, and videos you’ve been sending me for these past six years ...” A lady gasps at the table beside us, and I lift the corners of my lips. “Do you know what that’ll do, Sydney?”
She gulps. And gulps some more. “Come. Let’s go,” Amberson says, dragging Sydney with him to the doors. As soon as they turn their backs, I sit down and lean forward. “I’m so sorry about that. That’s not how I see you,” I try to explain, but Phoenix’s mood is already off.
She’s flushed and not in a good way. Her gaze roams around the restaurant and stops at the couple next to us who are whispering rapidly to each other. I know they recognized me, and I’m guessing this will be all over the news first thing tomorrow morning.
“H-h-home ...” she whispers.
“What?”
“H-home …”
“Baby, please just forget what they said. They know nothing about you.”
Her gaze knocks with mine, and she repeats, “Home!”
“Phoenix …”
“H-home. Home. Home. Home …” she starts to chant loudly. Everyone starts turning to look at her—at us.
“Babe … please calm down,” I say, placing my hand on hers.
“Home!” she screams, knocking my breath away.
Fuck!
She wheels her chair back and turns toward the door. My hands shake as I get my wallet out and drop a few bills on the table. I stand, making the chair screech and look for Phoenix, but she’s already out the door. I run outside and notice that it’s raining lightly, and Phoenix is wheeling herself toward the car. I run after her and shout, “Phoenix … please … wait.” But she doesn’t stop. Reaching her quickly, I force her to stop and block her path. I crouch down in front of her. “I’m sorry …” I say in between breaths.
She wipes her tears beneath her glasses and the raindrops on her face. “I c-can't get the words p-p-proper-ly … and you know … this …”
“I’m sorry, baby, please,” I apologize, but she shakes her head.
“When I t-tell you home, you s-should under-stand what I mean, K-kai. I can … I can’t find words. But at least respect … the f-few I s-speak.”
I feel like an ass. Her words kick me hard, and I apologize again.
“Don’t f-fight me,” she whispers, her shoulders hunch in defeat. “Don’t fight me when I can’t fight back.”
My body flinches. Heartache, regret, and fear take a whole new meaning as she speaks those words. Wanting to make amends, I recall how I used to pacify her in the past and remember the time when I was making cookies for her, and she said that a kiss is enough to cheer her up. And then we kissed in the rain. With the weather by my side, I send a quick prayer that this time it works—I bend forward and drop a soft kiss on her lips.
Her body stiffens.
When I pull back, I see that she’s trying her best not to look at me and she’s biting her lips hard.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
This time I don’t fight her. Instead, I drop a crying Phoenix home, feeling like shit because when I picked her up, she was smiling.
Now I’ve stripped her smile off.
CHAPTER 20
PHOENIX
The next day, I’m listening to my favorite songs like Sanaa suggested when Madison barges in my room. Yesterday the top of her hair was auburn and today there’s a tint of turquoise on the sides.
Bouncing on the bed, she says, “Tell me everything.”
“Nothing happened,” I say still wearing my earbuds. She pauses only a moment before ripping them out of my ears. “Hey,” I protest, trying to get the earphones back, but since she’s on the bed and I’m in the wheelchair at my table, it’s difficult to reach her hand.
Madison throws the earphones across the room. “Oops!” She bats her lashes at me. My eyes throw daggers at her, but this doesn’t scare her one bit. “I want to know everything that happened. Did you two kiss?”
I groan. Seeing no escape, I tell her what happened. “Kai took me to the restaurant and bought me a basket full of roses.” Now that I recall, I left the basket on the table at the restaurant. Madison awes, and I grit my teeth. “We had dinner, and he was very sweet—the perfect gentleman.”
“I knew it.” Madison cheers again bouncing on the bed.
“Then, Amberson and Sydney, the one who was always after Kai in high-school, showed up. They were insulting douche-bags. Amberson told me being on wheels might be my destiny. Like I deserve it somehow. I mean, can you believe him?” I leave out the bits where Sydney listed all the reasons why I’m unfit for Kai because I spent enough time when I came home yesterday to think all about what they said.
With deadly calm, Madison urges, “Get me his fucking address and leave him to me.” She cracks her neck and flexes her arms. Her action makes me smile, but even though Sydney and Amberson said all these to get to me, I don’t think they’re wrong. I’m no longer a good match for Kai.
I wheel the chair around to face the window. “I was so angry that I wanted to go home, but I couldn’t say the sentence. My brain froze, and I just kept on saying home … home … home. I made my way out, but not before creating a scene in front of everyone.” Just thinking about it makes my head ache. I hate what happened next.
“Kai came running after me. He
stopped me, and we fought a little, but then … he kissed me.” I whisper that last bit, fighting the shivers rising in me.
“Aww …” Madison coos.
My jaw clenches, thinking about how I felt when his lips touched mine. “There was nothing aww about the kiss … I hated it,” I say, closing my eyes.
“What!”
“I know Kai’s k-kissed me so many times, but when he kissed me yesterday, I felt n-nothing like I used to. I mean, I didn’t feel the emotions turning inside me like I used to. Instead, I felt r-repulsed … no, that’s not the word. I felt strange … yes, the kiss felt strange.” I wait for her to say something, but Madison is unnervingly quiet. Rolling my wheels, I turn toward her.
Kai is standing at the door.
Shit!
I know he’s heard everything. His eyes are welled up, and I open my mouth to say something, but he turns around and leaves.
“Fuck,” Madison whispers and runs after him.
I feel guilty. I know that I should be more upset, and I am sad, but mostly, I feel guilt. My words broke his heart.
•••
Strumming my guitar, I hum, trying to forget Kai’s sad face. Madison pushes the door open and slams it shut. She stands there looking at me with her hands on her hips.
“Sit down,” I say. “You look ridiculous right now.”
She walks to the bed and sits there, crossing her arms. I can tell from her body language how angry she is. “What’s happening, Phoenix? I’m freaking out here,” Madison says, trying to pull a rein on her anger.
I exhale. “I had no freaking idea that Kai was listening. Hell, I would’ve never said that—”
“You said that you were repulsed by his kiss, Phoenix. Why?”
“I don’t know,” I shout, placing the guitar on the table. “I freaking don’t know, okay? It shocked me, too. It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose, but I just felt strange, and I’m telling you what I felt, that’s it.”
She runs her fingers through her hair. “I don’t understand. You love him, so why’d you feel like that?” she asks, confusion written on her face.
I release a long breath. “I c-can’t feel love. His or mine or ours.”
“What?” Madison yells, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind or something. Maybe I have.
“I can’t explain it properly, Madison. It’s just that I can’t feel … what I used to feel for Kai. I know how I used to feel when he’d touch me, or even look at me, but now it’s gone. It just … it just disappeared.”
“He loves you, Phoenix,” Madison whispers.
“I know,” I reply. “I’m just telling you how I feel. I care about Kai, I know this much, but the love we shared—it’s just not here,” I say, pointing at my heart. Shrugging, I let my hands fall to my lap. “I know how it once felt to love him, and I wish I could feel it now, but I can’t. I just can’t.”
Madison lets my words wash over her. “Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling?”
I shake my head.
“You should,” she urges.
“And say what? Sorry, Kai, but it felt … like I was being kissed by a stranger?”
Madison lowers her chin to her palms. “Fuck no. This is getting complicated.”
“I know. Don’t want to hurt him, Maddie, but … it’s just how … I feel.”
She nods slowly. “You can send him a text, just saying sorry that you hurt his feelings or something.”
Maybe she’s right. I can’t right the wrong, but I can apologize for hurting him. So when Madison leaves the room, I type a message to Kai.
Phoenix: Kai, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I feel like that’s all I’m doing to everyone these days—I’m only giving them pain.
Because this is all that I have to give.
CHAPTER 21
KAI
“You look like hell,” Greg says, filling my sixth glass.
“Makes sense considering I just went through it a few hours ago.”
I continue to knock the back of my head on the wall as Greg fills my glass. After my run-in with Phoenix, I needed some company, so I drove here to drown myself—thus, the bottle of whiskey.
“Here.” Greg hands me the glass and sits down, leaning his back on the balcony rails.
It’s been hours since I left her place, yet her words are still ringing in my head. No amount of alcohol has been successful in blocking those words so far.
Greg sighs. “Will you tell me now what happened?”
I shake my head and inhale the whiskey in two gulps. “Don’t wanna talk about it.” Talking about it will make me re-live it, and I don’t have the strength for that right now.
“Fine.”
I hand him back my glass, and he fills it in silence. We drink quietly for a few minutes—well, he fills the glass, and I drink.
“The bottle is nearly empty, and you haven’t spoken a word yet,” Greg prompts. “I have a lovely fiancée on a warm bed, and I’m sitting here on my cold balcony with you while you’re drinking your ass off.”
Way to make me feel guilty—asshole. “I can leave if you want me to,” I say, knowing he’s not going to ask me that.
He sighs and runs his fingers through his curls. “What I want is for you to start speaking. What the hell happened, Kai?”
I throw back my head and swallow, letting the liquid burn my throat. “I took her to the restaurant yesterday,” I start, looking ahead into the night and trying to will it to consume me. “Some assholes showed up, ruining everything I planned, so she barged out of there, and I ran after her. Then we fought a little, and I kissed her, but she didn’t kiss me back. And then I dropped her home, feeling like a total jackass.” I knock back the remainder of my whiskey and then pass Greg my glass. I’ll need more liquor to numb the pain coming next.
He fills my glass, and I drain it in one gulp. The glass clinks on the floor as I continue. “I went back today to apologize for making her cry, but then I heard her telling Madison that she felt repulsed—” I choke on the word, feeling my cheeks wet. “By my kiss.”
I hear Greg’s sharp inhale. Out of all the things that have happened since the accident, hearing those words was the worst. Or maybe it just feels that way because the pain is so new and fresh. Old pains whine once in a while, but fresh ones roar through the numbness.
“You can’t expect her to be like she was before, Kai,” Greg says after a few seconds. He fills my glass and passes it to me
I laugh humorlessly. “But I did. I was such a fool. I thought that everything would be back to normal. You know, I was so focused on her waking up that I never thought about what’d happen after. I just assumed that she’d be fine, that she’d be happy I waited for her. But this has all turned out to be one motherfucking mess.”
“Maybe she needs time, Kai.”
I nod. “I know this now. Actually, I knew it earlier, but my heart didn’t want to wait. I thought that if I reminded her how much I love her, she’d open up to me. I swear, Greg, I died on the spot, right there, when she said those words.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “I fucking felt her grip my heart with cold hands and rip it out while it still beat. The pain was raw.
“I can still hear her say those words. I can hear them here”—I tap on my temple—“again, and again, and again. Her voice didn’t quiver—she didn’t hesitate, she didn’t think twice. She just said it.” The pain churns inside, knocking all my senses down. I smash the glass down. “She fucking ripped my heart out. She ripped it out and tore it to pieces without batting a lash.”
I let my head fall into my palms and drag my legs closer to my shaking body. My fingers pull at my hair, dragging the pain somewhere else, away from my tired heart. The warmth of Greg’s hand seeps into my shoulder. He continues to rub my shoulder as I rasp, “She broke my heart, Greg, and she doesn’t even know it.”
“I don’t know what to say, Kai. I just don’t know. But if you want her back, then you have to fight, not with yourself, not with
her, but with everything in your way. And when I say fight, I don’t mean the blood-and-punches kind of fight. I mean the sit-down-and-reflect-and-come-up-with-a-plan kind of fight.”
Greg’s suggestion makes me lift my head and look at my brother.
“And, Kai, save the pain for later, because right now you can’t afford it.” He stares at me, unblinking. “Because pain is not when your heart is broken. Pain is when your heart is broken and cannot be mended. Pain is not when the tears are falling, and you’re wiping them away. Pain is when the tears are falling, and you know that wiping them away won’t make a difference. And pain is definitely not when you’re at war with yourself. Pain is when all hope, all love, all the lights in the world are dead, and what remains is darkness. This is what pain is. And right now your heart can be mended, you can still wipe your tears, you still have hope, love, and light enough for both of you. This is all you need, Kai. Got me?”
I blink a few times, then pull him toward me and tighten my arms around him. “Thanks, man. I fucking needed that Obama speech.”
He chuckles as he ruffles my hair. “Anytime, brother, anytime.”
Greg’s right. I can see the light again. I can feel the hope swell and the love inside me wake—with pure strength.
CHAPTER 22
KAI
I wasn’t fit to drive home yesterday, so I crashed on Greg’s couch. Not long after Phoenix’s last message, I received another one from Madison saying that she needed to talk about something really important.
So here I am, waiting, at the café and sipping my coffee, trying uselessly to get rid of that headache I worked for yesterday.
Madison walks in like she owns the place with Emmanuel by her side. “Hi.” She kisses my cheek and takes a seat. Emmanuel and I slap each other’s back, and he takes his place next to Madison. “Okay, we all know why we’re here,” Madison says.
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