We nod.
“I talked to her yesterday, and she said that she cares about you, Kai, but she can’t feel what she used to feel. She talked about this to her therapist, and according to her, Phoenix’s brain is blocking things.”
“What?” I ask, throwing my hand in the air.
Emmanuel nods. “The brain is a fascinating thing, and since Phoenix suffered from a brain injury and has been in a state of coma for two years, this was bound to make differences in her.” Emmanuel has psychology as a major, so I guess this allows him to understand Phoenix’s situation better than us.
But why? Why does it need to be this way? I fought too hard to be thrown into this mess. “I want my Phoenix back,” I say like a petulant child. “I think we need to talk to her therapist.”
“She won’t give us any information,” Emmanuel says, and he’s right. “Tell me something,” Emmanuel says, facing me. “Was she upset when you kissed her?”
I nod.
“It’s just her emotions. They’re all messed up. I know you’re not going to like this answer, but she needs time to process all these changes.”
“I’ve waited two years for her to wake up. I can wait some more,” I say, knowing what happens when I push her, and besides, I have all the time in the world.
“It’s a difficult period for her, Kai. She may not be comfortable with herself, let alone with another person. Don’t expect her to be the Phoenix that you once knew. She is changed now. You have to accept this, and she has to accept this.”
Having Emmanuel say these things make my heart ache. And scared. Scared that I’m going to lose her.
Madison looks at Emmanuel and back at me. “I think we need a plan.”
“It sounds like we’re preparing for battle,” Emmanuel says, arching a brow at Madison.
“We are. I’m not losing her without a fight,” I say, remembering Greg’s words.
Madison places her hand on mine. “And I’m not letting you lose Phoenix without a fight. Because you two are meant to be with each other, and I know that she needs you.”
“Fine,” Emmanuel says, placing his hand on ours. “I’m in.”
CHAPTER 23
PHOENIX
Sanaa smiles. “I think it’s getting better. Last month you were speaking in fragments and, at most, simple sentences. But now, you’re speaking a full sentence without much trouble.”
I nod. “But I just feel so helpless at times. I feel like I’m lagged behind.”
“You’re not, Phoenix. Two years is a very long time in a coma, and you’re recovering pretty fast compared to other patients in your situation. You’re very lucky.”
I know she’s right. That’s what everyone has been telling me since I came out of the coma. “But I still don’t feel comfortable.”
She chuckles. “It’ll take time, Phoenix. You can’t expect your body and brain to just kick start, but as I’ve said, you’re progressing quickly.”
I nod again. “I know.”
“So now that your speech is getting better, let’s talk about Kai.”
This name makes my heart jump, and I start fidgeting in my seat. “I d-don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Why do you say that?”
I breathe out. “My emotions are all over the place when I talk about him, and the most important emotion is missing.” I whisper that last part.
“And which one is that?”
“Love …”
But that’s not the only truth. All my restlessness whenever Kai is around isn’t only because we once loved each other. I feel uncomfortable that he still loves me when I can’t seem to find a connection with him. He almost feels like a stranger to me. And how I came to this conclusion—because when we were at the restaurant, and he rolled his sleeves up, and I saw those tattoos, it made me realize how much I’ve missed or how much he has succeeded and how much I’ve been left behind.
The truth is, even though I was ashamed of how I was feeling, I felt jealousy. Jealous of what Kai has. Of what he’s accomplished. Of what he’s accomplished while I was sleeping—for two years. And maybe I’m jealous of who he is—Kai Eastwood, the heartthrob of every girl out there. And I’m just Phoenix, the one with broken wings, incomplete sentences, and will spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair. The one who hasn’t done anything worthwhile in her life and like Sydney would put it—just a pathetic loser.
Sanaa removes her glasses. “Why do you say that?”
I stifle a groan. I hate when she always asks questions but doesn’t really answer one for you. “Kai took me for dinner the other day, and we fought over some stupid stuff, but then he tried to make me feel better, and he kissed me. He touched his lips to mine, and my body stiffened. I just felt like I was being kissed by a stranger. Like he was Kai, but I was no longer the Phoenix he loved.” Not only emotionally but also physically.
“Your brain is still adjusting to changes, Phoenix. Everything will not be exactly as it was before, we’ve talked about that.”
“I know, but Madison and I still talk like we used to, or at least we’re getting there. Daddy and Dad are getting there too, but it’s Kai.” I can’t help but feel like Kai is slipping from my heart, and I’m letting it happen because he doesn’t feel precious enough to stay.
“Do you blame him for the accident?”
“What? No.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean? I was in an accident because of my care-less-ness. It’s not his fault,” I say, and it’s the truth.
“Does Kai behave differently with you compared to what you remember before your accident?”
“No, he’s the same … I guess.” Only I’m not.
She hums. “You used to write songs. Have you tried to write more songs after the accident?”
“I tried, but I was having difficulty to find the proper words, so I left it incom-plete.”
Sanaa taps her pen a few times on her lower lip. The action annoys me. “Music has helped many people get better, Phoenix, and because you’re a musical person, this may work in your favor. This doesn’t mean that you need to write a complete song at once. Or maybe, instead of trying to write a song or poem, you can just try the melody, the tunes, or listen to previous songs that you wrote.”
“Many of those songs were written by me and Kai. I’m scared that … that … I’m going to tarnish the feelings I had if I listen to those songs.”
Sanaa keeps her eyes fixed on me. “You’re scared of your feelings, Phoenix. This is making you block things out. Maybe these songs are going to make those feelings resurface.”
And this is what scares me.
•••
“A Kiss A Day” plays through my earbuds—a song that Kai and I worked on at his place when we were seventeen. The MP3 has a few dialogues that we shared, and I let it play as I sit in front of the mirror in my wheelchair, staring at my image, at my scars.
“...laying my cheek on yours to breathe for a while …”
I bring my hand up to touch the pink scar on my upper cheek. The number of times his fingers grazed these cheeks are uncountable. But now, they’re scarred. Tarnished.
“A soft bite on that jaw …”
My fingers move down to touch the white scar on my jaw, remembering how those soft touches of his lips here would make my toes curl and make me take an extra breath.
“… brush your hair away, and kiss the back of your neck …”
Gliding down to my neck, I remember how it used to tickle when Kai would kiss me here, and I’d love how his tickling stubble would make me pull back. But then I’d move close again because I’d always want each of those tickles. I trace the scars, knowing that I’ll never have those moments again. Not with Kai, not with anyone else.
Madison walks into the room and throws her body on the bed. “Hey.”
“What’s up?” I ask, removing my earbuds, pretending nothing’s wrong when inside I’m barely holding myself together.
She has her eyes
trained on the ceiling, and she lets out a long breath. “I sometimes don’t understand boys,” she grumbles, making me smile.
“Why, what happened?”
“Emmanuel is being an ass again.”
“What happened?”
She waves it off and asks one of her questions instead. “How was it with Sanaa today?”
I shrug. “It wasn’t the best, but not bad, either. She suggested that I listen to songs that … that I … once wrote.” I direct my attention to my phone.
“The ones that you and Kai wrote?”
Her question makes my jaw tic. She knows I don’t like it when anyone talks about Kai in front of me. I throw her a scolding look, and she rolls her eyes.
“Fine, there’s no need to get that angry.” After a few seconds, she asks, “What else did she tell you?”
“That music was a big part of my life before the coma, and she thinks that it can help me get rid of my emotional distress,” I say, not bringing up Kai. I know that my emotions concerning him are all over the place, and even though I don’t love him like I used to, there’s a sort of strange feeling that surrounds me when he’s near—a feeling that I can’t explain.
Madison nods. “Anything else?”
“No, just that I need to give myself some time and not try to rush my feelings.”
Madison’s eyes widen as if she’s about to discover something big. “You mean that emotionally you’re unstable?”
Emotionally unstable? I shrug.
“But compared to earlier, you’re feeling more emotions or less?”
“More I guess,” I reply, and her expression transforms into disbelief—like she just got the answers to all her problems. Either my mind is playing games with me, or Madison is acting strangely.
CHAPTER 24
KAI
Waiting for Phoenix to open the door, I take another look at the messages we shared yesterday to confirm the time.
Phoenix: Hi
Kai: Hi …
Phoenix: I was wondering if you’ll be free tomorrow? I need to talk.
Kai: Okay. What time?
Phoenix: Let’s say … 10:30 a.m.?
Kai: I’ll be there. Can I bring someone?
Phoenix: Yeah.
The door opens. And my heart jumps.
She looks different. Her eyebrows are shaped, and her hair is trimmed to her shoulders, colored burgundy red—the color she always had before her accident. And her face looks flawless—her scars well hidden behind makeup. Dear God, she’s still the prettiest woman I know.
I clear my throat and greet her. “Hey.”
“Hey.” She hesitates as her eyes fall on my companion. She gasps, fixing her wide eyes on Tinker. “Kai … this … oh my God …”
I crouch down and pet Tinker on the head. The latter wiggles his head a few times and tilts his neck slightly to look at Phoenix. “Meh-eh-eh-eh!” Tinker greets Phoenix, making her giggle. The sound like wind chimes to my ears.
“Tinker, meet Phoenix, and, Phoenix, meet Tinker.”
Phoenix giggles again, her eyes still wide, not believing that she has an actual baby goat on her doorstep. She slowly sends her hand forward to caress Tinker, and like a lady’s charmer, he moves forward and licks Phoenix’s fingers.
“Eeekk …” Phoenix squeals, pulling back her hand and laughing. The sound plays along with my heartbeat. It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve heard her laughter—I almost forgot how it made my chest tickle each time.
“Meh-eh-eh …”
I rub a finger on my ears out of habit. “Tinker’s saying he wants to see your garden?”
My question makes her look up immediately, realizing that we’re still standing at her doorstep. She looks at Tinker who has walked to her and looking expectantly at her lap. She grabs Tinker’s front leg, and the latter eagerly jumps on her lap and begins nuzzling Phoenix’s neck—and there’s no doubt that he’s Brian’s pet. “Hey, you …” Phoenix croons and rubs her nose on Tinker’s—perfect.
Tinker bleats again, and Phoenix agrees. “Yeah, let’s go to the garden.” We move to Phoenix’s tree, and Tinker seems happy to have a change of scenery, I guess.
“Nice hair color,” I comment.
“Thanks. Madie called Em-manuel’s mother, and she did all this,” she explains, pointing at her face and hair.
“You look pretty.” So pretty …
Her lips tug. “Thank you.”
After I talked to Madison this morning, I went to Brian’s apartment to find the door unlocked. Inside, I found that Brian was passed out naked on the couch, and Tinker was licking his master’s ass, desperately looking for food. The poor creature looked lonely, so I fed him, kidnapped him, and brought him to Phoenix because this little chap will make sure the mood doesn’t turn too serious.
Once we reach the tree, Phoenix asks, “Where’d you get him?”
“It’s Brian’s goat.”
“Brian? He has a baby goat?” she asks, her mouth slightly open with surprise.
I shrug. “Yeah, he got it two months ago. Stole it from his uncle’s farm.”
She chuckles and shakes her head, knowing that Brian is definitely capable of all this. “He’s so cute …” Phoenix croons, scratching Tinker’s chin. And as if Tinker understood that the compliment was for him, he shakes his tail vigorously and starts nuzzling her cheek. “Thanks for bringing him, Kai.”
“Anytime.” I sit down on the grass, leaning against the tree.
Tinker plays on Phoenix’s lap some more and finally gets off to start jumping around. We look at him, wiggling his tail, jumping on the swing to slip and fall down. But he rises again and tries to jump on it again—I’m sure he thinks he’s a boy, not a goat.
“I’m sorry,” I hear Phoenix say, and I turn my head toward her to see she’s already looking at me. “For every-thing, Kai.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, Phoenix,” I say, bringing my knees up and wrapping my hands around them.
She shakes her head, and her hair falls, covering part of her face. “No, I’ve been so rude to you. You didn’t deserve it,” she whispers, sweeping the hair back behind her ears.
“Hey …” I glide myself closer to her. “It’s okay. I guess I made you uncomfortable many times too, and I’m sorry. I sometimes don’t know how to … react,” I confess, telling her the truth.
She nods, and we both look at Tinker who’s now busy flirting with the flowers in the garden. Phoenix takes a deep breath. “Can we be friends, Kai?” I look up to see her green eyes on me. “Just friends?” she continues, rubbing her hands on the back of her arms.
So this is what has been bothering her? Our relationship? I’ve been making her uncomfortable by barging back into her life, and suffocating her with memories of our past.
Phoenix’s gaze is fixed on me, and her cheeks are growing redder by the second, waiting for my reply. I run a hand through my hair and place a hand on the wheel of her chair, causing her to gulp. I don’t touch her because I know she feels uncomfortable. “Is this what you want, Phoenix?” I ask, remaining utterly still, waiting for her answer. The rim of her eyes changes to red and she nods. “Then nothing will make me happier.”
She blinks a few times, and just like that, her beautiful smile is back. We’re both so busy smiling at each other that we don’t notice Tinker running toward us, let alone jumping right back into Phoenix’s lap. She yelps at his sudden appearance, and all of us burst out laughing.
When our laughter fades, I ask, “I was just wondering if you want to write some lyrics. Just to help you with your words and stuff,” I say with a shrug. “If you want to do it like old times, just give me a call.”
She looks down, pressing her lips together in thought. When she looks up, she’s sporting a soft smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
And this is all the answer I need.
Growing bolder, this time, Tinker shoves his head between Phoenix’s breasts, making her yelp and laugh at the same time.
One day it will be me making you laugh again, Phoenix. It’s not today, and maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but I will be the reason you smile and laugh once again.
CHAPTER 25
KAI
Adam accompanied Phoenix to her physiotherapist, so Madison called me over to talk.
“But we just want to help her,” Madison says to Eric as she sits down with a huff, her pink and purple pixie hair bouncing with the movement.
Eric shakes his head and looks at me. “I’m not against you, Kai. But when it comes to your love and my daughter—it’s my daughter.”
“Daddy, you’re being ridiculous. Phoenix loves Kai. You know this, we all know this, so what’s the problem?” Madison argues, and I sit still, not ready to participate in this conversation.
Eric puts two fingers to his temple and tries to rub the tension away. “The problem is that the priority is not who she loves or loved.” He pauses, slapping me with probabilities. “The problem is that she is not well. She’s emotionally unstable, and Kai’s presence here is doing more harm than good.”
A punch in the guts wouldn’t have hurt as much as his words are hurting me right now.
“Sorry, Kai, but this is real. I know that you have been with Phoenix for so many years and you’ve waited for her. I know this. But right now, it’s her I’m worried about. She has trouble accepting who she is, and you’re a constant reminder of who she used to be.”
Madison rolls her eyes. “I talked to Phoenix the other day, and she said that Sanaa suggested music. The music that she and Kai wrote together. I’m looking out for Phoenix and, believe it or not, if we make her feel at ease with who she is, and make her realize that we all still love her the same, then I think she’ll be more confident.”
I’m in a screwed-up position right now. What Madison says is right, but I can’t help agreeing with Eric—he has a point too.
“Maybe we should simply let her figure things out at her own pace.” Eric shrugs. “Listen, Kai, if Phoenix has to come back to you then she will, but it’s futile to force something that’s not meant to be. Every person comes into our lives for a reason, but not all of them are meant to be our destination. Some are just a companion in our journey.”
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