Silent Music

by Aisling Magic

  Dear God …

  My eyes watch the movement. The press of her teeth on her lower lip … the rise of her breasts … the release of the lip slowly not fully … the long breath … and finally, the lip is free—now with a tempting gleam on it.

  I look away and clear my throat—it’s going to be a long night.

  We change her sleeping position once more during the night, and she falls asleep without any trouble.

  •••

  Someone moves in my arms, and my mind goes back to last night. I remember climbing in Phoenix’s bed. My lips tug up, remembering our conversation yesterday—just a few words.

  “I can see that you’re still sneaking into my daughter’s room.”

  My body jolts up with shock. Eric stands near the bed with a cup of coffee. He’s looking at us with his quizzical brows up. I turn to look at Phoenix, who’s still knocked out cold. Good.

  I shrug. “Good habits die hard, I guess,” I say, looking back at Eric.

  He chuckles and lands a soft gaze on Phoenix. “She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?”

  My hand moves on its own to swipe some hair from her cheek. “She does indeed,” I whisper.

  “You know,” Eric starts, “the first time I saw you, in this very room, I thought that you were just another guy in her life and that you wouldn’t stick around. But now …” His lips spread in a wide smile. “Now, seeing you in this very room with Phoenix again, I know that you’re the one for her.”

  “I love her, Eric. I promised her that I’d love her forever. I never broke that promise, and I never will.”

  “Good,” Eric says and moves toward the door. “Wake her up and bring her downstairs, will you? We’ll wait for you guys to have breakfast.”

  I nod.

  Eric is about to close the door when he says, “And, Kai, next time, don’t come into my daughter’s room without her permission.”

  And with that, he leaves.

  CHAPTER 28

  PHOENIX

  Remember the silly giggles

  I left under your pillow

  My first kiss caged on your lips

  The sleep I lost for your whims

  Those sighs still clinging on your shirts

  Bring them along

  And if possible

  If possible

  Take your arrows away from my heart

  A request, dear, dear lover

  When we meet to say goodbye

  Bring along the things I left behind

  The things I left behind

  I cannot take my eyes off this girl. The way her eyes go to Kai and he smiles at her, encouraging her to keep on going. That smile—for her, for Kylie. Out of curiosity, I let the song play and scroll down the YouTube page to see the comments.

  Holy shit … she’s so HOT

  Scroll … scroll …

  Is it me or were these two having a silent communication when she sang that chorus? Huh? Huh? Someone?

  Scroll … scroll …

  Wait … are Kai and Kylie dating? Like the way they were looking at each other! Fucking with their eyes!

  Scroll … scroll …

  With the way they’re looking at each other … bitches, I’m predicting the future … these two are going to date if they’re not already dating.

  Scroll …

  Kai and Kylie … they fucking rhyme—together. Ha!

  Don’t forget my happy smiles

  Drowning in your anger

  The dreams I buried for your pleasure

  The warmth I spread over your cold bed

  Your shitty days I turned to starry nights

  Bring them along

  And if possible

  If possible

  Take your darkness away from my daylights

  A request, dear, dear lover

  When we meet to say goodbye

  Bring along the things I left behind

  The things I left behind

  Okay, that’s it. I pause the song. They performed this concert just last month, and I know that Kai isn’t dating her, but I can’t help the inner voices in my head. The way they whisper so harshly that these two look so good together. Even the world wants them to get together—the way they looked at each other—his encouraging smile, the glittering of his eyes when the audiences cheered her performance. It’s too much.

  But then I think about what happened two days ago when Kai came to sleep with me.

  I mean he has been on the blasted bed so many times but not after … which some part of me liked. I wasn’t asleep when he got in the room, and when he told Madison that she was in his place, there were tingles all over my body. My heart was beating so fast when he got under the covers and slipped his hand under my T-shirt, but then I felt pleasure—not the strangeness that I felt when he kissed me. Pleasure. Heart-racing, breaths-skipping, hand-sweating kind of pleasure.

  And now seeing him and Kylie—what he can have, makes me rein my emotions back in. He deserves better—not me. And like a broken cassette, Sydney’s words play in my head again—Kai stayed because of his guilt. This always breaks me.

  Kai’s coming today to write songs, or at least try since our session got canceled the other day. He had some work yesterday so he couldn’t come, which irritated me but I didn’t let anyone know about it.

  The door opens. Madison comes in the room and bounces on the bed—ever the child. “Hey, sister.”

  I close the laptop and narrow my eyes at her. She squirms under my gaze, knowing she did something wrong.

  “What?” she asks.

  “I was going through your messages yesterday,” I say trying not to let my anger show. She’d handed me her phone to talk to Emmanuel, and when I ended the call, I saw that she got a message from Kai. Scrolling through the rest of the messages, I read their conversations and learned that she’s been trying to bring Kai and me together.

  Her brows furrow. “Yeah, so?”

  I take a calming breath before uttering, “I came across some of the messages that you and Kai exchanged.”

  It doesn’t take her long to figure out what I’m talking about. “Oh.”

  “Oh,” I mimic her and wait for what she has to say in her defense, but she shrugs, so I smack a pillow on her shoulder. “You have been going behind my back and playing matchmaker with Kai.”

  She glares at me. “Yes, I have, so? You have a problem with that?”

  “Why the hell would you do that?”

  Madison’s jaws tick. “Remember the time you saved me when Edward was trying to rape me?” A current runs through my body as images of that ominous night hit my mind. “Why did you save me?” Madison asks in a whisper.

  I glare at her. “That’s a ridiculous question,” I grit, exasperated.

  “Answer me,” she yells, her eyes getting wet.

  I hate thinking about that night. I hate everything about that night. The darkness. The cold sweats. The shrieks. The palpitations. The eternity of misery erupting with each heartbeat.

  Annoyance tickles my nerve. “Because you needed to be saved, Maddie.”

  A sad smile appears on her lips. “Exactly. And that’s why I went behind your back and did all that stuff because you need to be saved now like I needed to be saved back then.”

  My eyes moisten at her response. “I’m doing just fine.”

  Madison's eyes catch fire, and she smacks me with the pillow. “Don’t fucking lie to me, and don’t hide your feelings from me. I know that you want to find that lost love too. And you’re trying your damn best to find that love inside you. And you’re scared that you’ll never be able to love him again. Aren’t you?”

  Madison’s image blurs before me as every single word she utters breaks my heart a little bit more.

  Madison gathers me in her arms. “It’s okay to be scared, Phoenix. I told you that earlier, and I’m telling you again. Let him be here for you. I know you felt something yesterday by the way you clung to him. It’s the bond that you two share. You may not feel cert
ain things for him, but there is a part of you who loves him with a fierce passion—just let that take over.” She sweeps a stray hair behind my ear. “He did it once, he will do it again. Just give him one chance.”

  One chance—can I afford one chance? Maybe not. Like Sydney said, Kai’s trapped with me maybe because of guilt while he had all the chances to move on with someone else—someone like Kylie. But Madison holding hope for me like this means a lot. A smile breaks through my tears. “I love you,” I whisper, untangling myself from her hug.

  Madison brushes two fingers beneath my lashes and gets rid of the tears. “I know, and I love you too.” She giggles. “Even though there are times when I’m jealous.”

  “Jealous?”

  Her head bobs and mischief reaches her eyes. “Yeah, sometimes I’m jealous that you’re in a wheelchair.”

  “What?” I laugh. “That’s a ridiculous thing to be jealous of.”

  “No, you see, you’re in the best position in this wheelchair.”

  “How?” I ask, confused.

  “You can have a good look at men’s junk and appraise the size, and nobody will even notice,” Madison says, shooting me a wink.

  Her answer elicits a howl from me, and I grab my aching belly. “Goodness, Maddie, where do you come up with these thoughts? Now each time someone will come near me, I won’t be able to prevent myself from checking them out.”

  She wipes her tears. “See? Being on wheels has certain perks. Like Kai, I’m sure, will get lucky many times.”

  That name halts the beating of my heart only to accelerate afterward. “How?”

  A brow arches as Madison says through her smirk, “You see, sister, you’re in the perfect line to give him a blowjob.” Madison shoots me an exaggerated wink, and my cheeks turn scarlet as the images of me blowing Kai come to mind. Just great—he’s about to arrive, and my thoughts have already taken a particular direction.

  I open my mouth to tell Madison this when Kai enters. “I heard that last part, and now I’ll make sure to never squat when I’m near Phoenix.” My breathing escalates, and I make a visible effort to control the color of my cheeks—which I’m sure isn’t working.

  “It’s time I fly.” Madison kisses Kai on the cheek and throws me a sly wink as she closes the door behind her.

  Kai walks over to me. “How’re you feeling?”

  “Good.” And believe me, it takes me tremendous willpower not to let my eyes wander over his zipper. My face gets hotter, and I clear my throat, shaking those images away.

  He sits on the bed and rubs his hand on his five-o’clock shadow. “Want to go in the backyard?”

  Yes! As much as I like my room, I’ve been in here too long. I’m sometimes bored, but I always need someone to accompany me outside, which is why I don’t go there very often. Yes, I know I need help, and they’re here to help me, but sometimes I hate that I’m taking their time.

  “I’d like that.”

  “Great.”

  Kai scoops me in his arms and places me carefully on the wheelchair. This is the fifth time that Kai has taken me in his arms, and each time my heart gallops. My body knows he won’t let me fall.

  After making sure that I have my notebook and a pen, he slings my guitar strap over his shoulder and wheels me outside. Kai stops beneath the tree near my window and leans the guitar against it. He lifts me from the chair and, with my arms around his neck, he bends and gets on his knees, placing me in a seated position where my back is against the tree. With my back brace on, it’s easier for me to sit in this position without my body parts aching.

  “Is this good?”

  “Yeah, it’s good,” I say, and he straightens my legs.

  I grab the notebook and pen. “Let me know if it gets uncomfortable, okay?” he says, and I promise to let him know. Honestly, I feel amazing. I used to love sitting in the backyard or in the park (usually on the grass) to write my songs. Kai knows this—so bringing me here makes a little part of me excited. He remembers …

  Kai takes the guitar and sits before me. His brows crease as he adjusts the guitar strings, and I secretly admire his actions—as if I needed another reason to lust over him. My eyes trace his sharp jaw and his lips, tense in concentration. They continue their journey and slowly graze over his neck, then his arms. The butterflies in me swoon. Kai lifts his gaze, and he notices my appraisal. All the breaths leave my body.

  I look away and press my lips to hide a smile as I put my pen on the paper. With closed eyes, I lean my head on the tree trunk, letting the words come to me. I stay in this position for a few minutes but nothing.

  My eyes open in frustration, and they meet Kai’s. “You’re trying too hard,” he says.

  “I can’t feel anything right now, so it’s pointless even if I were to write anything.”

  He does it again, looking at me with eyes full of something I’m scared to name. Each time he has this look, my heart squeezes inside, reminding me that once my own eyes mirrored those feelings.

  “What are words without emotions? Just alphabets slammed together,” I say, giving him a sad smile.

  “And what are words with emotions? Just alphabets embracing each other,” he says, making me smile. “There, you see, maybe not songwriting but that was full of poetry.”

  Speaking of poetry triggers my memory. The notebook burns in my hand, and I debate whether to show him what I wrote the other day. They’re only lines that I wrote, not lyrics, but they hold emotions that cheated their way into me or maybe emotions that I carry inside me which I’m refusing to admit. Because he deserves better.

  “I lost the words. They’re angry with me, and they lost the path to my brain—all I have are sentences with lots of blank spaces,” I say, avoiding his eyes. The waves of emotions he’s sending my way toy with something delicate in me.

  Kai doesn’t answer for a few seconds. We just sit there listening to the birds and the bypassing vehicles. Then he takes a deep breath and says, “Remember the first time we met, and I completed your lyrics? Why should it be any different today? Let me fill the blank space for you.”

  Kai …

  Emotions rush and gather behind my lids. “I wrote something the other day,” I say, my voice clotting with heavy emotions. “Will you have a look?”

  His eyebrows shoot up. “Of course.”

  I open the notebook without letting second thoughts scare me, and turn it toward him. What I wrote is part of the soreness in my soul, and by showing him these, I’m laying myself bare.

  “Phoenix …” he whispers, his voice laced with heartbreak, and this time I feel it in my chest too. Kai drags himself closer to me and puts two fingers under my chin, turning my head toward him. “You want to work on this one?” he asks.

  I nod.

  He positions himself so that he’s sitting beside me. He puts the notebook on my lap and takes the guitar. “Okay, let’s do this.”

  Kai helps me with the words, and I add some more lines. He never once stops me from adding what I want. He lets me pour it all out on the paper.

  Don’t forget me while I sleep

  Because I’m fighting to wake up

  My colorful dreams are lost in the dark

  But darkness is giving me company

  While I sleep, sleep, waiting for someone to wake me up.

  I look at the words I’m writing, and they’re all hitting home. These are my raw emotions which I have tried to suppress for the past months, but letting them paint this paper makes me feel lighter.

  Fly, fly, fly – I couldn’t

  My wings are shackled

  My words broken

  My heart beating

  With no emotions

  Years ______ on in a lonely town.

  Years ______ ______ lived.

  Years go by unlived

  Dreams go by unfulfilled

  As I sleep, sleep, waiting for someone to wake me up

  The years I lost dreaming

  A dream only of breathing …

>   The years I lost sleeping

  A sleep I was not living.

  The moments ticked by;

  Each lasting a small eternity.

  I was that waterfall in winter,

  I was there but frozen

  I couldn’t reach you, knowing

  You were waiting down the river

  Each breath I took without you

  My silence spoke to you

  My silent heart spoke to you

  My silent heart called for you

  I stare at the last two lines on the paper. My hands shake, and tears fall on the paper smudging the ink there. My stomach churns, my breathing escalates. Oh my God. Heat creeps through my body as my eyes read the last two lines again and again. It’s too much. The feelings are starting to fit in the puzzle creating a mosaic of their own.

  “I want to go back now,” I say, still avoiding his eyes.

  The guitar stops. I feel his gaze on me for a few seconds, but then he stands up and helps me back in the wheelchair without questions. Kai doesn’t say a word as he gets me back to my room. By the time my back hits the headboard, I have reined in my tears. He places the notebook and my pen on the nightstand and sits on the edge of the bed.

  “Do you feel better?”

  Do I? Yes, my soul feels free. “Yeah,” I whisper.

  “Phoenix, I know what you meant in the lyrics, and if I could take the pain away, I promise you that I would but I can’t.” The last part comes as a whisper.

  My eyes turn to his. “I know, and I’m trying.” Am I? Or am I trying to let him go?

  He sighs. I tilt my head up, and he touches his forehead to mine. His hand slides up my neck and reaches my chin. My heart flutters. He stops and caresses the skin there while his other hand cradles the back of my head. Kai’s lips open slightly, and my gaze falls on them. A strong desire hits me. He slips his hand down my arm and captures my waist. I gasp feeling the hairs on my body awaken in rhapsody. His eyes burn into mine, and I can’t tear them away.

  My lips touch his slightly, and I barely breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut, waiting for his lips to meet mine. My body readies itself for the kiss. My lips wait, anticipating the touch, the rush of feelings that I once shared with him. It’s so close, I can almost taste it. Kai presses his hold on my waist and drags his lips slowly to my cheek and drops a light kiss there.