Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  She was remembering too much. She was agitated with Philly and her non-stop badgering. Even the intern, Lina, was on her nerves. She’d had to apologize for snapping at her earlier this morning when she’d only asked a simple question about an interview Destiny was guiding her through. She sighed just as the alert from her chat box dinged in her headphones.

  Hi.

  She automatically smiled at the message from Brian. He didn’t chat with her a lot while he was at work because he was always so busy.

  Hi.

  She almost put a smiley face after it but restrained herself.

  How are you today?

  I’m good.

  She sighed and frowned, leaning her head back against her chair. She was glad he couldn’t see her because he’d immediately know that she was lying and she didn’t want to burden him at work with her issues.

  So you’re not frowning right now?

  She shook her head. Apparently his perception extended through the freaking Internet. She grinned slightly.

  I'm smiling now.

  Good. I like it when you smile.

  I never knew you were such a romantic sap.

  She pictured him chuckling deeply, before his lips fell into a half-grin.

  I’m a sap because I like seeing you smile?

  No. But…

  But what? Your smile turns me on.

  She grinned a little wider.

  Does it?

  Yes. I really, really like your lips… And your eyes. And your hips. And your thighs.

  She smiled wider, shifting in her chair. That rhymed.

  I know. What are you wearing?

  She chuckled aloud and glanced around. Lina was in the cubicle across from her, but she was hunched over at her desk, jotting on a bright yellow legal pad.

  Are you about to try to sext me? I’m pretty positive that’s against company policy.

  No. I just miss you today.

  I miss you too. You should’ve come over last night.

  She hit send then felt a tinge of guilt. He was working late again yesterday and by the time he got home and called her, he was so exhausted she convinced him to stay home and rest.

  I wanted to.

  I know. It’s cool. Me and Raven watched Purple Rain.

  LOL. I don’t feel so bad for not coming over now.

  You love Prince.

  Nah. I love you though.

  Her heart started beating a little harder and she grinned wider.

  Come’ere.

  Huh?

  She automatically looked around the drab office and frowned.

  Come’ere.

  Huh? Are you here?

  You ask too many questions. Come. Here.

  She smiled and pulled off her headphones, clicking out the screen. She took a quick glance at her dimmed reflection in her computer screen, smoothing stray strands of her curly hair back into a ponytail. She washed it last night and wasn’t wearing it straight today. She pulled her lip-gloss out of her back pocket when she stood and dabbed her lips as she made her way to the front, smiling at the thought of seeing him.

  “I’m going to lunch,” she told Gabe as she passed by his office.

  He nodded and waved a hand at her, still gabbing on the phone. She waved to Sherry the receptionist, and pushed open the front doors, sliding her sunglasses down over her eyes immediately.

  It took her about two seconds to spot Brian, leaning comfortably against his black Charger. He had on khakis and a dark blue short-sleeved button-up and her heartbeat accelerated on sight. He was so damned good-looking. She walked over and stopped when she was right in front of him. He looked down at her, grinning.

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” she said, tilting her head up to look at him. “I thought you were gonna be busy at work today?”

  “I am,” he said. “But like I said, I missed you.”

  She smiled, biting her lip.

  "I hope you were typing from the parking lot this entire time,” she said, stepping a little closer. He smelled so good. “It’s dangerous to text and drive.”

  He sighed exaggeratedly, his half-grin still in place.

  “I see you still haven’t learned the proper way to greet me yet,” he teased.

  She smiled. “You said you were going to show me, remember?”

  He pulled her solidly against him and leaned down, his lips centimeters from hers. She inhaled, her body immediately on fire. He trailed his hands around her backside, squeezing her butt as he pressed her against him.

  “Make sure you pay close attention,” he teased, smiling seductively, “I don’t want you to forget next time.”

  She nodded, but just barely. She was like clay in his hands whenever she was this close to him, and he knew it. She was waiting for him to close the distance between their mouths when she heard her name being called.

  She sighed and turned around, watching as Lina ambled toward them.

  “Sorry, Destiny,” she said. The words came out like one syllable because she talked so fast. “My lunch date stood me up so I was going to see if I could come with you but I didn’t know that you were already going with someone.”

  Destiny managed a smile, even though her body was still thrumming with desire.

  “It’s cool,” she offered, half-heartedly. She stepped out of Brian’s arms. Lina was studying him with unbridled interest.

  “This is Brian,” Destiny told her. She hesitated. Should she call him her boyfriend? That didn’t seem adequate. Her love? Her life? That would be more accurate at least. Lina’s eyes widened and snapped back to Destiny’s. The girl had no idea what being subtle meant.

  “Hi, Brian,” Lina said, smiling. “I’m Lina. Nice to meet you.”

  She twirled a stand of her auburn hair around her finger and eyed him appreciatively again before looking back and forth between the two of them. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  Heat spread to Destiny’s cheeks. The way she said it made it sound like she did nothing all day but gush about him or something. His name had come up a couple of times in conversation, but Lina barely knew any of her personal business. She deliberately kept her life separate from work. Lina was still smiling goofily at him.

  Brian grinned and arched an eyebrow at Destiny who rolled her eyes. His expression was amused.

  “Nice to meet you too, Lina.”

  “So what happened?” Destiny asked Lina, shifting her weight. “You said your lunch date stood you up?”

  The early afternoon heat and humidity was starting to get to her and she pulled at her tight-fitting white V-neck t-shirt, wishing she hadn’t worn jeans today.

  “Yes, after asking me out like, twenty times, too.” Lina rolled her eyes, her small features scrunching up into a pout.

  Destiny frowned sympathetically and glanced at Brian, who nodded at her slightly.

  “You can come with us if you want,” he offered.

  Destiny could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment, even if Lina couldn’t. Lina’s eyes immediately brightened.

  “Really? You don’t mind?” she asked, already heading toward the passenger door.

  Brian smiled and shook his head, dropping a quick kiss on Destiny’s forehead.

  “Remind me to show you later,” he whispered in her ear before opening the door for her.

  Destiny grinned and nodded obediently. Lina smiled at the exchange and glanced at Destiny knowingly. She shook her head and slid into the car.

  * * *

  “Thanks so much for lunch,” Lina gushed from the backseat for the hundredth time when they pulled back to the front of UMusic’s office nearly an hour later.

  You’d think he’d bought her a Maybach instead of six-dollar sandwich, the way she was acting.

  “No problem,” he said amicably, grinning at her charmingly. Lina blushed. Not that Destiny could blame her. She figured you’d have to be dead to not respond to him. And even that was debatable.

  “I’ll catch up with you inside, OK?” De
stiny told her as Lina opened the door.

  “Okay,” Lina smiled. “Bye, Brian. It was really nice meeting you.”

  Brian nodded and grinned as she finally slipped out of the car, closing the door quickly so the air-conditioning wouldn’t escape its small confines.

  “Thanks for being cool with her going to lunch,” Destiny said, shifting toward him in her seat. “I know she’s a lot.”

  Lina had talked non-stop, filling Brian in on practically every aspect of her life. By the time they were finished with their forty minute lunch, Destiny was pretty sure he knew the names of all of her siblings, where she’d attended high school, what guys she was currently dating, and the name of her cat.

  He shrugged. “She was cool. A little talkative. But she seems all right.”

  “I’m glad you came today,” she said after a long second. “I was drowning in there. I feel better now though.”

  He smiled slightly. “Glad I could be of service.” The playfulness left his eyes and he looked at her. “I didn’t get to ask how your session went yesterday.”

  He always asked about her counseling sessions. He’d even taken her a few times.

  She shrugged. “It was… I dunno. Like it always is, I guess.” She paused, looking away from him as he studied her face. There was a woman and a teenager that was probably her son walking into the dentist office next door to UMusic.

  “I keep waiting for some dramatic breakthrough to happen,” she confessed, still watching the mother and son as they crossed the parking lot. “Like, for some blinding light to hit me and miraculously cure me and swipe my brain free of any memories from that night… make me able to breathe normally again.”

  She sighed and looked back to him, smiling weakly. She hadn’t meant to say that.

  “I wish it did happen that way, love,” he said softly, leaning the back of his head against the headrest as he turned to meet her eyes. A couple of seconds ticked by. “Sometimes it seems like the things we want to forget are the things we remember the most clearly.” He shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t think it’s about forgetting. Maybe it’s just about living. You know? Living in spite of… living anyway.”

  She bit her lip and twisted her hands in her lap. She wondered if one day she’d be able to do that. Right now it felt like she was just going through the motions, getting through the days.

  They sat in silence for a few long seconds and Brian reached over and intertwined his fingers with hers.

  “I guess I better go back inside,” she sighed wistfully. “I’m sure Philly is counting every second that I’ve been out of the building.”

  “I told you to ignore her,” he chided.

  “I’m trying,” she said, pulling her hand free and reaching for the door.

  “Hold on,” Brian said suddenly, halting her. She turned to look at him questioningly.

  “I have something for you.”

  He reached into his console and pulled out two tickets and handed them to her.

  “These are concert tickets,” she said unnecessarily, looking up at him. “To The Foreign Exchange.”

  He didn’t say anything, just watched her silently. She knew what he was doing. She hadn’t been to a concert since Connor Dorsey happened. He also knew that The Foreign Exchange was currently her favorite group and she’d been dying for them to come to town. But that was before.

  “It’s tonight,” he said, when she just kept staring at the tickets. “Will you go with me?”

  She bit her lip and looked at him, hesitation and fear circling in her chest.

  “I’ll be with you the whole time,” he said quietly.

  She looked away and he didn’t speak until she met his eyes again.

  “Don’t let him take this from you.”

  She swallowed and nodded. He was right. As usual.

  “Okay,” she said, softly.

  The smile he gave her made her want to say “Okay” a million more times.

  “I’ll pick you up at seven, cool?”

  She nodded again. “Oh no,” she said suddenly. “I kinda forgot about Ray. I feel bad leaving her alone at the house.”

  He shook his head. “D’s gonna take her to the movies or somewhere,” he said, smirking.

  “You thought of everything.”

  “Don’t I always?” he asked, grinning cockily. She rolled her eyes.

  “I’ll see you later,” she said.

  She leaned over the console and pecked his lips. Or she meant to. The second their mouths touched it was like a current ignited and she pressed into him, oblivious to the fact that they were in a car, in broad daylight, in plain sight. He cupped the nape of her neck, pulling her closer and once again she felt like she was drowning. But this time she wanted to.

  He pulled back reluctantly after a minute and pressed his forehead to hers.

  “You better go before Sacramento sends someone looking for you,” he murmured.

  She burst out laughing and he kissed the tip of her nose.

  “I’ll see you in a few hours,” she tossed over her shoulder as she hurriedly scooted out of the car.

  She took a deep breath and hurried back inside, even more anxious to finish the day.

  * * *

  Thursday, 1:34 a.m.

  I saw Foreign Exchange tonight. They were dope. But really, I’m writing about it because it’s the first time I’ve been to a concert since that night. I’ve missed it. I almost forgot what it was like to get totally lost in the moment, letting the music creep through your skin, filling you with its rhythm. Damn. This Cathartic Ass Journal is really making me poetic tonight. I just… I felt good. It’s been a while since I’ve really felt that way. At first I didn’t think I was going to be able to get out of the car. But Vanessa showed me a few ways to calm myself down when I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack… some breathing techniques. I felt kind of stupid doing it in front of Brian, even though he got pissed that I would even feel that way. Anyways, I needed to go to that concert. I needed to put that behind me. To say I did it. Brian was right. He’s just so… I dunno. He’s what I need. He knows what I need before I even know I need it. Did that make sense? Probably not. I love that he doesn’t ever tell me it will “all be okay” or that I “just have to get through it day-by-day” or whatever other clichés people like to spout out. He’s just there. Just… being. I think that’s what I love so much about him. He doesn’t have to try. He just… is.

  Chapter 19

  If Destiny had to pick a time period to be born in it definitely would’ve been the seventies. Before CIA crack invaded the streets, before reality television deluded everyone into believing they were interesting enough to be filmed doing things like shopping for antiques or digging through storage units, before social media made unbridled narcissism an acceptable characteristic, before the 24-hour news cycle, and before people stopped talking to text.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  She jumped, her hands flying to her heart, the sound of Brian’s voice yanking her out of her thoughts. He laughed at her reaction, shaking his head as he wrinkled his brow.

  “You do know I’ve been sitting here with you for the past hour, right?” he asked, still chuckling as he arched an eyebrow at her.

  She was sitting on his bedroom floor folding his clothes, listening to Curtis Mayfield, Isaac Hayes, and Marvin Gaye on a Saturday night, and she didn’t even care. Actually she couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be. She threw a sock at him and rolled her eyes. He was at his desk, doing some extra work and to be honest, he was so quiet she’d kind of zoned out on him.

  “I was thinking I wish I was born in the seventies when life was simpler and before the world went to hell in a hand basket and became such a shitty place.”

  He chuckled. “There were still shitty things going on in the seventies, love,” he told her, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms above his head. He dropped his arms and grinned at her. “It’s just we weren’t as connected so les
s people knew about all of the worldwide shittiness.”

  She grinned and picked up one of his t-shirts, folding it neatly and placing it in the growing pile. He’d insisted he didn’t need her to fold his laundry but she’d brushed him off. Between spending so much time with her and his never-ending job, she felt like folding some shirts was the least she could do. She’d also cleaned their bathroom, mostly because if she was going to be visiting a lot, she needed to be able to pee on a clean toilet.

  Isaac Hayes’s “Do Your Thing” came on and she automatically smiled, watching as Brian playfully sang the words.

  She joined him on the chorus, singing loudly, totally off-tune. “Cause whatever you wanna do, you gotta do your thang…”

  She laughed. “I dunno. The music was better in the seventies.”

  He nodded agreeably. “True.”

  She sighed dramatically. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong here. Like, in this time period,” she said, glancing up at him. “You know?”

  He paused, considering her. “But if you were alive in the seventies, you’d be kind of a pervert for hanging out with me.”

  “Who said I’d be hanging out with you still?”

  He grinned and shrugged. “You’re my Destiny, baby,” he said easily. “It’s a done deal.”

  Laughter sputtered out of her and she covered her mouth, trying unsuccessfully to hold it in.

  “You are so corny,” she said between giggles. “How long did it take for you to come up with that?”

  He grinned and threw the sock she’d tossed at him earlier back at her. “Free styled it.”

  She smiled and shook her head at him just as her phone buzzed. “Ray,” she said, reading the text aloud. “She made it to Tallahassee.”

  She sent her back a smiley face, already missing her. She’d left earlier that morning and her apartment had gone from feeling full of life and energy to silent and empty in a matter of minutes. Destiny had almost cried when she left, especially when Raven gave her a new yoga video for her “in between days.” She thought Dorian might cry too. Well, not really. But he did look a little sad and had insisted on taking them to the airport.