Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “Don’t blame him, Vanya,” Natasha interrupted, “don’t make fun of him! He shouldn’t be judged like everyone else. Be fair. He’s not like you and me. He’s so immature. His upbringing doesn’t help either. Do you think he understands what he’s doing? The first impression, the first outside influence can put him off everything that he’s sworn to only a minute earlier. He has no strength of character. He’ll swear eternal fidelity to you one day, and the next he’ll just as openly, just as sincerely change sides – and what’s more he’ll be the first to come and tell you all about it. He might even do something awful, but you couldn’t possibly hold it against him, only feel sorry for him. Not that he’s incapable of self-sacrifice, you’d be amazed! But only until something else takes his fancy, then he’ll forget everything again. He’ll forget me too, unless I’m constantly beside him. That’s just how he is!”

  “Oh Natasha, perhaps none of this is true, just rumour. How can someone so immature get married!”

  “I’m telling you, his father’s behind it all.”

  “And how do you know his bride is so beautiful, and that he’s so fond of her?”

  “Because he told me so himself.”

  “What? He told you himself he can love another woman, and still ask you to sacrifice yourself for him?”

  “No, Vanya, no! You don’t know him, you’ve seen so little of him. You’ve got to get to know him better before you judge. There’s no one in the world more truthful and pure of heart, believe me! Would you really rather he’d lied? And as for his being easily infatuated with someone else, I only need to let him out of my sight for a week and he’ll have forgotten me altogether, but the minute he sees me he’ll be at my feet again. Yes, it’s just as well I’m aware of what’s going on and that it’s not happening behind my back, or my suspicions would have driven me to my grave. Yes, Vanya, this much I do know – unless I’m with him all the time, constantly, every waking minute, he’ll stop loving me, forget me, and desert me. That’s the way he is – any woman can lure him away. And where would I be then? I’d die… But that wouldn’t be the worst of it! I’d gladly die this very moment! How could I live without him? It would be worse than death, worse than any torture! Oh Vanya, Vanya! Surely you can see now I wouldn’t have left mother and father lightly! Don’t try to talk me out of it – everything’s been decided! I must be by his side every hour, every minute. I can’t go back. I know I’ve ruined myself and I’ve ruined others… Oh Vanya!” she exclaimed, and began to tremble all over. “What if he really no longer loves me! What if what you’ve just said about him is really true, that he’s only deceiving me and pretending to be truthful and honest,” (I had never said anything of the sort) “but in reality is evil and vain! I’m standing up for him now, yet for all I know he may well be with another woman at this very moment, mocking me in his heart… and here am I, low and despicable, walking the streets looking for him, having turned my back on everything… Oh Vanya!”

  Natasha uttered this with such pain that it shook me to the core. I realized that she had lost all control over herself. Only blind, insane jealousy at its most extreme could have led her to such a perverse decision. But jealousy welled up in me too, and burst from my heart. I could bear it no longer – a vile impulse swept me along.

  “Natasha,” I said, “there’s only one thing that puzzles me – how can you still love him after what you’ve just said about him? You don’t respect him, you don’t even believe in his love for you – and yet here you are, completely surrendering yourself to him, and destroying everybody else for his sake! What is all this? He’ll ruin your whole life, and you’ll ruin his. You love him too much, Natasha, far too much! I don’t understand such love!”

  “Yes, I love him madly,” she replied, going pale as though she were in physical pain. “I never loved you as much as that, Vanya. I realize myself that I’ve lost control of my senses and that I shouldn’t love him as I do. It’s an unwholesome love that I feel for him… Listen, Vanya, I knew all along, even in our most blissful moments together I felt he would bring me nothing but pain. But what am I to do now if even the pain he causes means happiness for me? Do you imagine I expect him to make my life a joy? Do you think I don’t know what I’m letting myself in for, what I’ll have to go through because of him? He swore he loved me and was full of promises, but they’re worthless and I don’t trust a single one of them, and never have, even though I know he’s never lied to me and is incapable of telling a lie. I told him myself I don’t want to tie him down in any way. It’s better for him. No one likes being tied down, least of all me. And yet I’d be happy to be his slave, his willing slave, to put up with absolutely anything from him as long as he was with me, as long as I could just look at him! I think I’d even put up with him loving another woman, as long as I was with him, as long as I was there with the two of them… Isn’t it disgusting, Vanya?” she suddenly exclaimed, looking at me with feverish, blazing eyes. For a moment I imagined she was delirious. “It’s disgusting to wish for such a thing, isn’t it? Well? I admit it’s disgusting, but if he were to reject me, I’d still run after him to the ends of the earth – even if he were to push me aside and chase me away. There you are, trying to persuade me to turn back – but what good would that do? Even if I did return, I’d only go back to him the very next day. He’d only have to say the word – and I’d be back. He’d only have to whistle, call me and I’d run to him like a puppy to her master… Suffering! I’m not afraid of any suffering! It would be enough to know that it was because of him I was suffering… Oh, you’ve no idea, Vanya!”

  “And what about your father and mother?” I thought to myself. It was as though she had already forgotten them.

  “So he’s not going to marry you after all, Natasha?”

  “He promised, he promised everything. That’s precisely why he wants me to go to him now, so that we can get married tomorrow with no fuss, in the country. But he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he just didn’t know how to go about it. And what sort of a husband would he make? It’s just too ridiculous for words. And if he did marry, he’d be unhappy, and start reproaching me… I’d hate it if he were ever to reproach me for anything. I’d let him have everything, and ask for nothing in return. If marriage is to make him miserable, why make him miserable?”

  “No, this is all a bad dream, Natasha,” I said. “Are you going straight to him now?”

  “No, he promised to come here and fetch me. We agreed…” And she looked in desperation along the embankment, but there was no one to be seen.

  “And he’s not here yet! You arrived first!” I exclaimed with indignation. Natasha’s features were suddenly contorted in pain as though she had been dealt a blow.

  “He may not even turn up at all,” she said with a bitter smile. “The other day he wrote that if I didn’t promise to meet him, he’d be obliged to postpone his decision to… marry me, and his father would take him to his fiancée. He put it all so simply, so naturally, as though it really didn’t matter at all… What if he really has gone to her, Vanya?”

  I did not reply. She squeezed my hand tightly, and her eyes began to glint.

  “He’s with her,” she said almost inaudibly. “He hoped I wouldn’t come here, so that he could go to her and then claim he was right after all, that he’d informed me in good time and that it was I that hadn’t turned up. He’s had enough of me, that’s why he’s staying away… Oh God! I’m going mad! Do you know, he told me last time that he’d had enough of me… So what am I waiting for!”

  “There he is!” I cried out, suddenly catching sight of him in the distance on the embankment.

  Natasha shook all over, let out a cry, fixed her gaze on Alyosha as he approached and then, suddenly letting go of my hand, rushed towards him. He too quickened his pace, and a moment later she was in his arms. Apart from us the street was almost deserted. They kissed and laughed; Natas
ha laughed and cried all at the same time, as though they had come together after an interminable separation. Her pale cheeks flushed with colour; she was almost frantic. Alyosha noticed me and immediately came up to me.

  9

  I stared at him intently. Even though I had seen him many times before, I stared into his eyes as if by doing so I might resolve my bafflement and find an explanation as to how this callow youth could have so mesmerized her, inspired such an insane love in her – love that could have driven her to forget her foremost duty and senselessly sacrifice everything that she had until then held sacrosanct. The prince grasped my hands and squeezed them firmly; the look in his eyes, meek and shining, touched my heart.

  I wondered if I might have been mistaken in my opinion of him for no other reason than that he was my rival. But no, I didn’t like him and, I confess, could never like him – perhaps I was the only person who couldn’t, of all those who knew him. There was a lot about him that, with the best will in the world, I couldn’t stomach, including his elegant appearance, very likely because it was somehow too elegant. Subsequently I realized that in this too I was biased in my judgement. He was tall, slim and graceful, with a pale oval face, fair hair and large blue eyes – submissive and reflective, which from time to time would unexpectedly light up with the most artless, childish excitement. The solemn set of his small, full, red, perfectly shaped lips made his smile, when it suddenly appeared, all the more unexpected and engaging, and so open and unfeigned that, whatever one’s mood, one couldn’t help smiling in return. He did not dress exquisitely, but always elegantly, in a way which made it clear that this was perfectly effortless, that it came to him quite naturally. It is true that he was not without his faults, and that he had one or two bad habits inherited as it were by contagion from the circle to which he belonged – superficiality, smugness and a tendency to indiscretion. But he was perfectly open and without guile, and was always the first to admit to his foibles, decry them and poke fun at himself. I don’t think this childlike youth could ever, even in jest, have told a lie – and even if he had, I suspect he wouldn’t have seen anything wrong in so doing. Even his selfishness was somehow appealing, perhaps just because it was so overt. There was nothing secretive about him whatsoever. He was weak, credulous and meek-hearted, and had no willpower at all. To offend or deceive him would have been as cruel and blameworthy as to offend or deceive a child. Considering his age, his naivety was astonishing and he betrayed an almost total ignorance of real life – but even at forty he would probably be no wiser. Such people are apparently condemned to perpetual immaturity. I dare say it would be a rare person indeed who didn’t like him; he’d capture your affections as a child would. Natasha was absolutely right when she said that he was capable of performing an evil act under someone else’s influence, but having realized the consequences, would probably have died of remorse. She felt instinctively that she could dominate him, that he would be her sacrificial lamb. She was anticipating the delight of loving to distraction and torturing the object of that love to the point of pain, in the name of that very love, and perhaps for that reason might have hastened to surrender herself to him in self-sacrifice first. But his eyes too shone with love, and he looked at her in rapture. She glanced at me triumphantly. At that moment she was oblivious of everything – her parents, her parting from them, her own misgivings… She was happy.

  “Vanya!” she exclaimed, “I’ve been unfair to him and I don’t deserve him! Alyosha, I’d almost given you up. Forget my nasty thoughts, Vanya, I’ll make up for them!’ – and she looked at him with unquenchable love. He smiled, kissed her hand and, without letting go of it said, turning to me:

  “Don’t blame me! I’ve long been meaning to embrace you as a brother. She has talked so much about you! So far we’ve hardly had a chance to meet or get to know each other. Let’s be friends and… forgive us,” he added in a low voice, blushing a little, but with such a wonderful smile that I could not help but respond wholeheartedly to such a proposition.

  “Yes, yes, Alyosha,” Natasha hastened to voice her approval, “he is, he is indeed our brother, he’s forgiven us already, and without him we shan’t be happy. As I said to you before… Oh, we’re going on like cruel children, Alyosha! But we shall live together, the three of us… Vanya!” she continued, and her lips began to tremble. “Why don’t you go back home to them now? You’ve such a heart of gold that even if they don’t forgive me, they’ll be a little less hard on me when they see that you have. Tell them everything, everything, in your own words, straight from the heart. You’ve got to find the words… Stand up for me, save me! Present all the arguments to them, everything, as you yourself see it. Do you know, Vanya, I’m not at all sure I’d have dared to go through with this if you hadn’t turned up today! You’re my salvation – I put all my hopes in you from the start, trusting you’d be able to break it to them in such a way as to soften the first blow at least. Oh, my God, my God!… Tell them, Vanya, that I realize I’m beyond forgiveness – even if they forgave me, God wouldn’t! – but that even if they curse me, I’ll bless them all the same and pray for them all my life long. My whole heart is with them! Oh, why aren’t we all happy? Why, why?… My God! What have I done?” she cried out as though awaking from a trance and, trembling all over with fright, buried her face in her hands. Alyosha put his arm around her and held her close without saying a word. A few minutes passed in silence.

  “Did you really want it to come to this?” I asked, looking at him reproachfully.

  “Don’t blame me!” he repeated. “I can assure you that all these misfortunes, however distressing they are, won’t last long. It’ll all be over in no time. I’m perfectly convinced of that. We just need to be resolute to get over this temporary difficulty. That’s exactly what she said to me too. You know, family pride is at the bottom of all this, these totally unnecessary feuds, these lawsuits, and all that sort of thing!… But – I’ve thought about this a long time, I assure you – all this must come to an end. We shall all come together again and then we’ll be perfectly happy and, just seeing us, even the old folk will make up their differences. Who knows – our marriage might lead to their reconciliation! Anyway, I don’t think there’s any alternative. What do you think?”

  “‘Marriage’, you said? When exactly are you going to get married?” I asked with a glance at Natasha.

  “Tomorrow or the day after – in all probability, the day after. You see, I’m not quite sure myself yet, and to tell you the truth I still haven’t made any arrangements. I thought Natasha perhaps wouldn’t even come today. Besides, father insisted on taking me to my fiancée today. I’m engaged, you see. Didn’t Natasha tell you? But I don’t want to go through with it. Well, what with one thing and another I’ve not been able to prepare things properly. But I’m pretty sure we’ll get married the day after tomorrow. At least that’s how I see it, because after all there’s no alternative, is there? Tomorrow we’ll definitely be on the Pskov Road. I’ve a friend in a nearby village, not far from here, we went to school together, he’s an excellent fellow. Perhaps I’ll introduce you to him. There’s a priest in the village too, at least I think there is, though I can’t be absolutely sure. I should have checked earlier, but I didn’t have time… But anyway, these are only details. Let’s not be diverted from the main thing. After all, one can always get a priest from a neighbouring village, wouldn’t you say? There’s always a neighbouring village! It’s a shame I didn’t manage to notify them beforehand. I wish I had. Come to think of it, my friend may be away now… But that’s the least of our worries! All we need is determination, and the rest will fall into place – I’m right, am I not? As for now, she’ll stay here with me till tomorrow, or the day after if need be. I’ve taken rooms, and they’ll be our home too when we get back. I can hardly go back to live with Father, can I? You must come and see us. I’ve settled in beautifully. My old schoolmates will visit us, we’ll have soirées…”

 
I looked at him in disbelief. Natasha implored me with her eyes not to judge him too harshly, to be more understanding. She listened to him with a pained smile, but with admiration too – the sort of admiration one has for a cheerful, favoured child as one listens to his incoherent but delightful prattle. I looked at her with reproach. I felt unbearably depressed.

  “But what about your father?” I asked him. “How can you be certain he’ll forgive you?”

  “Absolutely. He’s got no alternative! That’s to say, he’ll curse me to begin with, of course. I can almost be sure of that. That’s the way he is, and he’s awfully strict with me. I won’t be surprised if he goes around complaining about me – in a word, behaving just like a heavy-handed parent… But none of it will be serious. He loves me to distraction. His anger will blow over, and he’ll forgive me. Then everyone will be reconciled and we’ll all be happy, her father included.”

  “But what if he doesn’t forgive you? Have you thought of that?”

  “I’ve no doubt he will, only it may take a while. But what of it? I’ll prove to him that I’m a man of character too. He keeps on at me that I’m lacking in character, that I’m frivolous. He’ll see if I’m frivolous or not! You know, it’s a serious matter, being a family man. That’s when I’ll reach maturity… what I mean to say is that I’ll be just like everybody else… well, like all settled family people. I’ll live by my own labour. Natasha says that’s far better than living off other people, as we all do. If only you knew, she’s so full of wisdom, is my Natasha! Otherwise it would never have occurred to me – I’m from a different background, I’ve had a different upbringing from hers. Of course, I know perfectly well I am frivolous, and almost incapable of doing anything constructive. But, you know, the other day I had a marvellous idea. Now’s not quite the time but, what the heck! I want Natasha to hear it too, and I want to pick your brains. You see, I’d like to write novels and sell them to journals, like you do. You’ll help me with the editors, won’t you? I’ve been counting on you, I spent the whole of last night turning a story over in my mind, just trying it out, you understand – it could prove to be a terrific little idea. I pinched the plot from a comedy by Scribe*… But more of that later. The main thing is, I’ll get money for it… you writers do get paid, don’t you?”