Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “So all that happened is that you and the Princess hit it off? Is that all your cunning amounts to?” Natasha asked.

  “What do you mean? It’s only the beginning… I only told you about the Princess because, you understand, it’s through her I shall win my father round. But I haven’t come to my main story yet.”

  “Well, get on with it then!”

  “Something else happened to me today, something very strange, and I still haven’t quite got over it,” Alyosha went on. “You have to bear in mind that although as far as my father and the Countess are concerned our betrothal has been all arranged, there’s been nothing official yet, so that even if we broke it all off right now, there’d be no scandal whatever. Count Nainsky alone knows, but he’s considered one of the family and our benefactor. Besides, although in the last two weeks Katya and I have become very close, until tonight we hadn’t spoken a word about our future, that is, about our wedding and… well, about love. Besides, we’re supposed to ask the Princess K. for her permission first, because she can pull all sorts of strings and be Lady Bountiful. In society whatever she says goes – she has such connections… And they can’t wait for me to establish myself and get on in society. But it’s the Countess, Katya’s stepmother, who’s insisting on all these arrangements most of all. The thing is that, because of all her escapades abroad, the Princess may well refuse to receive her, and if the Princess won’t, then the others probably won’t either. So here’s an opportunity – my engagement to Katya. And that’s why the Countess, who originally was against the engagement, was terribly delighted at my success at the Princess’s. But that’s by the by – the most important thing is, I’ve known Katerina Fyodorovna since last year, but I was very immature then and couldn’t understand a thing, so I never quite managed to see anything in her—”

  “You were simply more in love with me then,” Natasha interjected. “That’s why you didn’t see anything in her, whereas now—”

  “Not a word more, Natasha!” Alyosha cried excitedly. “You’re quite wrong and you insult me!… I’m not even going to answer that… Listen to me and you’ll understand everything… Oh, if only you knew Katya! If only you knew what a tender, fine, sweet soul she is! But you’ll find out soon enough. Just listen to the rest of the story! Two weeks ago after they got back, when my father took me to see Katya, I started to observe her closely. I noticed she was observing me too. That really aroused my curiosity, quite apart from my intention of getting to know her better, which I’d meant to do ever since I got that letter from my father that so astonished me. I’m not going to say anything, I’m not going to praise her, except to say one thing – she’s a shining exception to her whole circle. She’s such an extraordinary character, such a strong and honest soul, so strong in her purity and honesty, you understand, that she makes me look like a child, a younger brother at most, even though she’s only seventeen herself. Another thing I noticed, she has an air of sadness about her, it’s as though she has a secret. She’s not talkative and hardly says a word at home, as if she’s in a state of shock… She seems to be turning something over in her mind. And she appears to be afraid of my father. She doesn’t like her stepmother – that much I gathered. The Countess, for reasons best known to herself, makes out that her stepdaughter is terribly fond of her. It’s all quite untrue. Katya simply does what she’s told unquestioningly, and it seems as though the two have conspired about this. Four days ago, after observing her all that time, I decided to carry out my intention, and tonight I did. That was to tell Katya everything, confess all, get her on our side and put an end to the whole business at a stroke—”

  “What? Tell her what, confess what?” Natasha asked apprehensively.

  “Everything, the whole lot,” Alyosha replied, “and I thank Almighty God for inspiring me with the idea, but listen, just listen! Four days ago I decided to stay away from you both and deal with the matter myself. If I’d been with you, I’d have shilly-shallied, I’d have listened to you and wouldn’t have been able to pluck up my courage. On my own though, having put myself into a situation where I constantly had to remind myself that I had to resolve the matter, that I must put an end to it, I steeled myself and… I put an end to it! I resolved to come back to you with it all settled, and I have come back with it all settled.”

  “What, what happened? How did it go? Tell us!”

  “It’s very simple! I approached her directly, honestly and resolutely… But first I must tell you something else that happened before that, and which really astounded me. Before we set out, my father received a letter. I was about to go into his study, but I stopped at the door. He didn’t see me. He was so struck by the letter that he was talking to himself, exclaiming out loud and pacing up and down, quite beside himself. Then at last, with the letter still in his hands, he suddenly burst out laughing. I was quite nervous about entering the room, so I waited a moment and only then went in. My father was so pleased about something, so pleased that he started speaking to me quite strangely. Then he broke off and told me to get ready to leave at once, even though it was still very early. There was no one there at the Countess’s; you were quite mistaken, Natasha, in thinking they were entertaining that night. You were misinformed…”

  “Oh Alyosha, stick to the point, please! Just tell me exactly what you told Katya!”

  “Luckily they left us alone together for two whole hours. I simply put it to her that though they wanted us to get engaged, marriage was out of the question for us, but that in my heart I was totally for her and that she alone could save me. Then I told her everything. Just fancy, she knew nothing of our situation, nothing about us, Natasha! If you could have seen how moved she was, even frightened at first. She turned pale. I told her all about us, that you left your home for me, that we’re living together, that we’re struggling now, that we’re so afraid of everything and are now appealing to her (I spoke in your name too, Natasha) to side with us and inform her stepmother in no uncertain terms that she herself has no wish to be my wife – thereby offering us our only way out, our only hope. She listened with such interest, such sympathy. You should have seen the look in her eyes at that moment! It was as if her whole soul was in her eyes. She has such deep-blue eyes. She thanked me for trusting her, and promised to do all she could to help us. Then she started asking about you, and said she’d very much like to meet you. She asked me to tell you that she already loved you as a sister and wanted you to love her as a sister, and when she found out that I hadn’t seen you for five days, she immediately started urging me to go to see you…”

  Natasha was moved.

  “And before telling me this you were going on about your successes with some deaf old princess! Oh Alyosha, you’re impossible!” she cried, gazing reproachfully at him. “Well, what about Katya? Was she happy, cheerful, when she said goodbye to you?”

  “Yes, she was happy that she was able to do a noble deed, but she was crying. Because she too loves me, Natasha! She confessed that she was beginning to fall in love with me, that she doesn’t meet any other men and that she took a fancy to me a while ago. She said that what struck her particularly about me was that despite the wiles and duplicity all around, I seemed to be sincere and honest. She stood up and said, “Well, God be with you, Alexei Petrovich. I rather thought…” But then she broke off, burst into tears and left the room. We decided she’d tell her stepmother tomorrow that she didn’t want to marry me, and that tomorrow, come what may, I must tell my father everything and be absolutely firm and honest about it. She reproached me for not having told him before and said that a gentleman shouldn’t be afraid of anything! She’s so high-minded. She doesn’t like my father either, she says he’s sly and a money-grubber. I defended him but she would have none of it. If I don’t get anywhere with my father tomorrow (and she’s quite sure I won’t), she has agreed that I should appeal to Princess K. for protection. Then none of them will dare go against us. We promised each other we’d
be like brother and sister. Oh, if only you knew her story, how unhappy she is; she hates living with her stepmother and the whole situation she’s in… She didn’t tell me that in so many words, as if she were afraid of me too, but I put two and two together. Natasha, my darling! How she would admire you if she saw you! She has such a kind heart! She is so easy to be with! You two were made to be sisters and you must love each other. I’ve been thinking about it all the time. I’d really like to bring the two of you together, and then just stand back and admire the pair of you. Don’t imagine anything wrong in this, my dearest Natasha. Just let me talk about her. To talk about her to you and about you to her is what I want most of all. You know that I love you more than anyone, more than her… You are everything to me!”

  Natasha was looking at him in silence, affectionately and, somehow, sadly. His words seemed to caress and at the same time torment her.

  “It’s some time now, over two weeks, since I recognized Katya’s true worth,” he went on. “I was calling on them every night. And when I’d get back home, I’d think and think about the two of you and compare you.”

  “And which of us came off best?” Natasha asked with a smile.

  “Sometimes you, sometimes her. But you’ve always been the best. Whenever I talk to her on the other hand, I feel that I become somehow better, cleverer, more gentlemanly. But tomorrow, tomorrow it’ll all be settled!”

  “But don’t you feel sorry for her? After all, she does love you, you couldn’t help noticing that yourself, you said.”

  “Yes, I do feel sorry for her, Natasha! But we shall all three love one another, and then…”

  “And then it’s goodbye,” Natasha said softly as if to herself. Alyosha looked at her in amazement.

  But our conversation was suddenly interrupted in a most unexpected fashion. From the kitchen, which also served as an entrance hall, we heard a light bustle, as if someone had entered the house. A minute later Mavra opened the door and began to beckon Alyosha surreptitiously. We all turned towards her.

  “There’s someone asking for you, if you please,” she said enig­matically.

  “Who could be asking for me?” Alyosha said, looking at us in surprise. “I’ll go and see.”

  In the kitchen stood his father’s liveried servant. It transpired that on his way home, the Prince had stopped his carriage at Natasha’s lodgings to enquire if Alyosha was there. Having announced this, the servant immediately withdrew.

  “That’s odd! He’s never done that before,” Alyosha said, regarding us in some confusion. “Whatever can it mean?”

  Natasha was looking anxiously at him. Suddenly Mavra opened the door again.

  “He’s coming himself, the Prince.” she said in a hurried whisper, and disappeared.

  Natasha turned pale and stood up. Suddenly her eyes flashed. She stood leaning lightly on the table and in some agitation gazed at the door through which the uninvited guest would enter.

  “Natasha, don’t be afraid, you’re with me! I won’t let anyone insult you,” Alyosha whispered, embarrassed but standing firm. The door opened and there stood Prince Valkovsky in propria persona.

  2

  He shot a quick, searching glance at us, from which one could not tell whether he had come as friend or foe. But let me describe in detail his outward appearance. That evening he made a great impression on me.

  I had seen him before. He was a man of about forty-five, no more, with regular and very handsome features that changed according to circumstances; changed abruptly, completely, with unusual rapidity, going from the utmost amiability to total sullenness or discontent, as if some spring within him had suddenly been activated. The regular oval face, somewhat swarthy, the excellent teeth, the small, fairly thin, beautifully chiselled lips, the rather long straight nose, the high forehead which showed as yet no trace of wrinkles, the grey, fairly large eyes – all made him rather handsome, but nevertheless the face did not produce an agreeable impression. The face was off-putting precisely because its expression was unnatural, always affected, premeditated, contrived, leaving one with the distinct feeling that its true nature could never be divined. Looking into it more carefully, one began to suspect that under the everyday mask lurked something nasty, cunning and in the highest degree egotistical. One particularly couldn’t help noticing his beautiful wide-open grey eyes. They alone seemed not to be entirely subject to his will. Try as he might to impart to them a gentle and friendly radiance, his gaze was ambivalent for there was always a cruel, mistrustful, searching and spiteful edge to it… He was fairly tall, elegantly built, on the wiry side, and looked much younger than his years. His soft, dark brown hair had barely begun to turn grey. His ears, his hands and his feet were exquisitely formed. It was in every way a thoroughbred kind of handsomeness. He was dressed with refined elegance and freshness, rather on the youthful side, which however suited him well. He could have been Alyosha’s elder brother. In any case one would in no way have taken him for the father of such a grown-up son.

  He went straight up to Natasha and said, looking resolutely at her, “My calling on you at such an hour and unannounced is strange and contrary to all accepted rules of decorum, but I trust you’ll believe me that I for one am fully aware of the eccentricity of my behaviour. Also, I realize who I’m dealing with. I know that you are magnanimous and understanding. Give me just ten minutes of your time and I hope you will appreciate my point and vindicate me.”

  He said all this politely but forcefully, and with an urgency that brooked no opposition.

  “Why don’t you take a seat?” Natasha said, still not quite recovered from her initial embarrassment and shock. He bowed slightly and sat down.

  “First let me say a couple of words to him,” he said, indicating his son. “Alyosha, no sooner had you left without waiting for me and without even bidding us goodbye than the Countess was informed that Katerina Fyodorovna was unwell. The Countess was about to rush over to see her, but Katerina Fyodorovna herself suddenly came into the room very upset and agitated. She told us outright that she couldn’t be your wife. Then she said she was going into a nunnery, that you had asked her for help and had admitted that you were in love with Natalya Nikolayevna… Such an extraordinary admission from Katerina Fyodorovna, and at such a moment, was of course brought about by the most unusual nature of your conversation with her. She was almost beside herself. You can well understand how shocked and horrified I was. Driving past just now I noticed the light in your windows,” he said, turning to Natasha. “Then a thought that I had not been able to shake off for ages overwhelmed me to such an extent that I could not resist my first impulse to call on you. Why did I do so? I’ll tell you presently, but first, please don’t be surprised if my explanation is a little blunt. It has all come about so suddenly…”

  “I hope I’ll be able to understand you correctly and… appreciate all you have to say,” Natasha said hesitantly.

  The Prince was scrutinizing her as though trying to fathom her out in one brief minute.

  “I shall rely on your good sense,” he went on, “and if I took the liberty of calling on you now, it was because I appreciate whom I am dealing with. I’ve known you a long time, notwithstanding the fact that I had once treated you so unfairly and had done you an injustice. Hear me out. You know there has been bad blood for a long time between your father and myself. I make no excuses. Perhaps I am more to blame than I realized up to now. But if so, then I myself have been deceived. I am mistrustful, and I admit it. I am inclined to suspect the worst rather than the best – an unfortunate trait, characteristic of a barren heart. But I am not one to hide my shortcomings. I believed all the slander, and when you left your parents, I shuddered for Alyosha. But I still did not know you then. The enquiries I’ve been making here and there have completely reassured me. I’ve been watching and studying you and have at last come to the conclusion that my suspicions were groundless. I learnt that yo
u had quarrelled with your family, and I know too that your father is utterly opposed to your marrying my son. And the very fact that, having so much influence, not to say power, over Alyosha, you have so far not used that power to get him to marry you, that alone speaks extraordinarily well of you. All the same I freely admit that at the time I was determined to put every possible obstacle in the way of your marriage to my son. I know I am expressing myself unduly frankly, but, as I’m sure you will agree when you have heard me out, frankness on my part is what is called for most at this point. I left St Petersburg shortly after you left your home, but by then I had no worries about Alyosha. I was counting on your innate sense of pride. I knew that you yourself would not want the wedding to take place until our family dispute was settled, would not want a rift between Alyosha and myself, because I’d never have forgiven him for marrying you, and that neither would you want it be said that you tried to catch a prince for husband so as to be connected with our family. On the contrary, you seemed to ignore us and were perhaps waiting for me to come and ask you to do us the honour of giving my son your hand in marriage. All the same, I stubbornly continued to maintain an unfriendly stance towards you. I’m not going to start making excuses, but neither shall I hide my reasons from you. Here they are: you have neither social standing nor wealth. Though I have some property, we need more. Our family is in decline. We need connections and money. Although Countess Zinaida Fyodorovna’s stepdaughter has no connections, she is very wealthy. If we’d delayed, suitors would have turned up and snatched the bride from us. Such opportunity was not to be missed – therefore, in spite of Alyosha’s tender age, I decided to arrange a betrothal. As you can see, I’m being perfectly honest. You may regard with scorn a father who, by his own admission, out of greed and prejudice urged his son to do something discreditable, because to desert a generous-hearted girl who has sacrificed everything for him and whom he has wronged – that is discreditable. But I offer no excuses. The second reason for my son’s proposed marriage to Countess Zinaida Fyodorovna’s stepdaughter is that the girl is eminently worthy of love and respect. She is beautiful, exceptionally well brought up, has an excellent character and is very intelligent, although in many respects still rather immature for her age. Alyosha lacks strength of character, he is flighty, extremely imprudent and, at the age of twenty-two, still a complete child; while his one virtue, his kind-heartedness, when combined with his shortcomings, is a distinct liability. I’ve noticed for some time now that my influence over him has been waning, that impulsiveness and the distractions of youth have been dominating and even supplanting certain intrinsic duties. Maybe I am too fond of him, but I am becoming increasingly convinced that I have outlived my role as his sole mentor, whereas he needs to be under someone who could constantly exert a benign influence over him. He is by nature weak, compliant and loving, preferring to love and submit rather than command. That’s how he’ll be all his life. You can imagine how glad I was to find in Katerina Fyodorovna the ideal girl I would have wanted as a wife for my son. But I was overtaken by events. He had already come under another unyielding influence, namely… yours. Since returning to St Petersburg a month ago, I’ve been keeping a close eye on him and have been surprised to observe a decided change for the better. The irresponsibility and childishness are about the same, but certain noble tendencies seem to have gained the upper hand in him. He is no longer interested in just idle pastimes, but in that which is elevated, noble and honourable. His ideas are strange, unstable, sometimes absurd, but – and this is the basis of everything – his feelings, his desires, his impulses are nobler, and all this improvement is undoubtedly due to you. You have made a new man of him. I confess the idea did flash through my mind at the time that you more than anyone else might make him happy. But I banished the thought. I did not want to think along those lines. I had to split the two of you at all costs.