The Coil

by Gilbert, L. A.

  “And uh… well.” He cleared his throat. “Depending on how that goes, his birthday is coming up real soon, as you know, and I was thinking of throwing him a small birthday party.” He almost smiled at the hope he could see building in her face. “Perhaps you could drop by early and help us blow up some of the balloons?”

  “Oh, Simon!” She laughed, standing and rounding the table to hug him. He couldn’t help but laugh himself. Christ, it felt good to finally, or at least begin to, forgive. “I could bake the cake! What’s his favorite flavor? Lemon? Chocolate? I bet it’s fudge, isn’t it? You always loved fudge.”

  He hugged her for a moment and then gently held her back. He didn’t want them getting ahead of themselves. “Remember, it all depends on Jamie. If I don’t think he’s ready for someone new….” He shook his head apologetically, but she was already nodding along.

  “Then I will be perfectly content to sing him happy birthday over the telephone.”

  He sighed quietly in relief. “All right. All right, good.” He nodded. “So….” He smiled. He’d quite enjoyed playing catch up with regards to Jamie and carrying on like a proud father, despite his clock-watching. He’d have to pick up Jamie soon, and he wanted to return Mattie’s call. He wanted to tell him all about it. “What else do you want to know?”

  She bit her lip, something he wasn’t accustomed to seeing her do. “Everything, absolutely everything. But….”

  “But?” He raised an eyebrow in surprise. Where the hell had that “but” come from?

  “I’d like… tell me about you?”

  “Me?” he asked softly.

  “I want to hear everything. Have you travelled much? Is spaghetti Bolognese still your favorite food?” She smiled, shrugging slightly. “What are reading lately? What are you writing lately?”

  He felt blindsided, and not just a little bit emotional. “You want to talk about my writing?” Why the last surprised him the most, he didn’t know.

  “Well, of course, silly. I’ve read all of your books. When’s the next one out? Oh! You can autograph the ones I have at home!”

  He smiled sadly. He never expected to have this back, and it was throwing him a little. He glanced back at her when her small hand covered his own, larger one. Her eyes were glassy.

  “This is something I should have told you years ago. I am, and always have been, blindingly proud of you, Simon. You are incredibly talented.”

  He swallowed hard. “Thanks, Mom.”

  She patted his hand and then sat back and picked up her mug. “Come on. I want to hear absolutely everything.”

  He smiled, feeling oddly nervous. “Well, I’ve just started a new manuscript….”

  THE rain had gone a small ways to washing the scent of beer from Mattie’s hair, but he still felt fucking filthy. What had happened in that guy’s apartment could have been so much worse. All sorts of fucked-up scenarios were now going through his head.

  He sniffed and shivered as a droplet of rain dripped from his hair and trailed down his neck and the back of his shirt. What was he doing with his life? What the fuck? He thought he’d hit rock bottom before—he’d been wrong. This was rock bottom.

  For some reason, he didn’t want to go home. He needed company. He pulled his phone out of his pocket again to check for any messages from Simon. Nothing. He wasn’t mad. He knew it was an important evening for Simon. Still. He felt so fucking raw, so alone, and Simon was the only person who could probably make him feel better right now. Though, thinking on it, perhaps it was best Simon hadn’t answered his phone. He was calmer now and didn’t like the idea of telling Simon where he’d been.

  One positive thing had come out of this. He was done with hooking. Fucking draw a line through him, stick a fork in him, done. He’d told himself such things before, but there was no way in hell he was ever putting himself in that situation again. He was just going to have to tighten his belt and hang on until he got his GED and could apply for a better-paying job.

  And he wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t want to let on to Simon that he was calling it a day with hooking. It wasn’t that he wanted to make him jealous; it was something more important than that. He needed Simon to ask him to stop. He needed to know he was important enough to become a fixture in this man’s life. And nothing would smack more of commitment and feeling needed than Simon wanting him all to himself. Perhaps Simon’d catch on when he noticed how much weight he was losing from lack of food. Nah, he was being stupid. It would never get that far. Ty would never let it get that far, and he was pretty sure that Simon would eventually broach that uncomfortable subject of money if he noticed how bad things were getting for him.

  And if he had to swallow his pride and ask for a handout? Then so be it. Simon knew he wasn’t with him for the money, and Ty would be relieved as fuck. Ty. That’s where he was headed right now, Ty’s place. He needed some food in his stomach, a friend to talk to, and—he wasn’t too proud to admit it—he needed a fucking hug. The worst night of his life, and his lover wasn’t answering the phone. He needed a friend. Now if he could only stop sniveling….

  Raising a hand, he knocked at Ty’s front door. He quickly wiped at his cheeks, hoping any residual dampness could be blamed on the rain. But when Ty opened the door, and his usual friendly smile of greeting slowly slipped away to be replaced by a look of concern, a sound frighteningly close to that of a hiccup escaped his throat.

  “Fuck, Mattie, what the hell…?” Ty stepped forward, out of the doorway and into the rain. Following Ty’s gaze, he hadn’t even realized he was still guarding his stomach with his arm. His voice was unsteady and sounded thick with impending tears when he spoke.

  “Can I get that ten bucks?”

  Chapter Seven

  HEAVEN.

  That’s what this was. For the first time in a long time, his life, in all aspects, was coming together. The words were flowing freely with his new manuscript. He no longer procrastinated and dreaded the blinking curser of an open Word document. Now? He whipped out his notes, got himself settled with a coffee, and poured his every experience, fear, and triumph into his manuscript. If ever he began to worry about his new venture and felt tempted to return to what felt safe, he kept one thing in mind, one fantasy: he pictured Jamie reading his book ten years down the line. And with that one image, that one goal, Simon threw himself into writing what he hoped was a manuscript that would justify the struggles any parent raising an autistic child faced on a daily basis. He tried valiantly to put into words how much he treasured and adored his son, hoping that one day Jamie would read it and know just how much his father loved him.

  Speaking of, Jamie was doing just fine. And his relationship with his mother? Still tenuous, but… better. It was good between them, and it truly touched him to see Jamie chattering away to his newly discovered grandmother on the phone. They were becoming fast friends, and he only hoped that the same easy relationship would develop in person. Despite the resentment he’d felt, and the residual caution he still felt with regards to his mother, he had to admit that when it came to Jamie, Sarah had been right. His mother was good for him. His fears of any awkwardness between the two of them due to Jamie’s condition were unfounded. His mother was kind to him and more patient than he thought her capable of. The idea that there may be another person in the near future that Jamie would feel comfortable enough to look in the eye filled him with hope. And he had to admit, he felt happier, lighter, having begun to forgive his mother and integrate her back into his life.

  Then there was Mattie.

  Heaven.

  Coming down from their intense lovemaking, he lay on his side with Mattie—the only word for it was snuggled—into his side. His lazy kisses along Mattie’s shoulder brought a content, lazy hum from the beautiful young man beside him.

  He didn’t deserve to be this happy, surely? Mattie brought out a side of him he had long forgotten about. The side of him that liked to laze about in bed and laugh about stupid, unimportant shit. The part of
him that had always loved sex. Mattie was turning out to be not only his dearest friend and the most energetic lover he’d ever had, he was fast becoming one of the most important people in his life. He felt safe with Mattie.

  “You’re just about the sweetest thing I know,” he said gruffly.

  Mattie lifted his head slightly to look him in the eye and gave him one of those perfect, loving smiles that seemed to be reserved just for him. “Ditto, handsome,” Mattie said quietly.

  He was feeling bold. He wanted to declare something. He wanted to give Mattie something, but he didn’t know what. More than once he’d contemplated asking Mattie if he wanted to come over to his place. He liked the idea of having Mattie in his bed, of cooking for him and seeing Mattie in his home, among everything that was familiar and important to him. But there were so many complications that came with moving things from Mattie’s place to his.

  He wasn’t sure how he felt about letting Mattie close to Jamie, and even thinking that made him hate himself, but the parameters of their relationship were still hazy and barely defined. They hadn’t talked their way past that casual status, even if their relationship felt anything but. And as head over heels as he may feel, he knew it might be a whole other kettle of fish for Mattie. Sure, he knew Mattie liked him a great deal, but as far as he knew, Mattie was still planning on leaving for New York at the first opportunity, and he was still… he was still earning extra money on the side through methods Simon couldn’t bear to think about.

  He didn’t know if it was foolish to carry on like this if he were setting himself up for some sort of fall, but what he did know was that, if or when things ended between them, it was going to hurt like nothing else. And the thought of Jamie feeling a fraction of that kind of pain or loss was flat-out unacceptable. He couldn’t let Jamie near any of the harsh realities Mattie’s life involved.

  Yet he hoped, didn’t he? He hoped that, despite the fact that they’d never spoken of it, and despite the fact that he knew Mattie wanted to leave San Diego, he hoped that something permanent could solidify between them.

  God. He didn’t want to lose him, but he couldn’t let him in either. There had to be a middle ground. Somewhere to test the waters. He needed more.

  “Hey,” he murmured quietly, his throat feeling thick.

  Mattie’s answer was the slide of his hand along Simon’s side, up along his back to hook over his shoulder. A leg slinking over his own thigh to draw him closer as Mattie pressed his face against his neck. Nothing had ever felt so intimate. “Yeah?” the younger man murmured sleepily.

  “How, um, how’d you feel about occasionally moving this over to my place?” He felt Mattie’s body still and wondered if he’d been foolish to say the words out loud. Mattie’s head pulled back, looking at him questioningly.

  “Yeah?” Mattie smiled wide.

  Oh man, that smile was gorgeous. He couldn’t help but offer a matching grin, but he needed to make something clear. “Yeah, I could swing by the diner after I drop Jamie off at Sarah’s, bring you home, we could hang out for a few hours, and then I can take you home on my way back to Sarah’s. It’ll save you some bus fare at least….” Please don’t pick up on my keeping you and Jamie separate….

  Mattie sat up slightly, leaning on one elbow. “That sounds great, but… can I ask why the sudden change?”

  “Well….” He ran his fingers through Mattie’s bangs, pushing them aside. “I figured it was time I played host.”

  Mattie watched him. “Nothing else?”

  Simon bit the inside of his cheek until Mattie’s thumb gently brushed his lower lip. “I want something more, something… something different for us. I thought a change of scenery would be like a… a baby step.”

  Mattie’s smile lit up the bedroom. He nodded. “Yeah, yeah okay.”

  “Yes?” he asked hopefully. “It’s okay that we’re still, you know, keeping it slow and all, but changing it up a little?”

  “Hey,” Mattie said softly, leaning into Simon’s space until he was flat on his back with Mattie lying over him. “We’re still good. I just like the direction this is going.”

  A happy grin spread across his lips. That was exactly what he’d wanted to hear. “I’m so glad,” he breathed.

  A downright devilish smirk touched Mattie’s mouth, and he pressed their lips together for a kiss. Simon groaned helplessly as Mattie rubbed their groins together in a slow circle. “Speaking of switching it up a little,” Simon said unsteadily, his hands encouraging Mattie’s gyrations. “How about you take advantage, now you’ve got me lying beneath you?” Christ, he wanted Mattie to have him.

  The loud groan against his neck and the hand hitching his thigh up was all the answer he needed. His hands slid over the expanse of toned muscle that was Mattie’s back. “Did I mention?” he asked breathlessly. “That I have a flat screen?”

  Mattie’s groans turned into muffled laughter. “You got more than Ramen noodles in your cupboards too?”

  “Oh yeah.” His breath hitched as Mattie pushed up on his hands to look down at him and grind their hips together.

  “Then we have a match made in heaven, beautiful.”

  A helpless sound escaped Simon’s throat as Mattie leaned down for a deep, heart-stopping kiss. Like he was saying…

  Heaven.

  “SO, HAVE you started to draft your entrance essay?” said Ty.

  “Hmm,” Mattie replied, half-listening as he doodled in the corner of his textbook. He glanced at his watch.

  “And you feel prepared for next week? Feeling confident?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” Five o’clock had never felt so far away.

  “Okay, so we’ll finish this chapter, and then we’ll grab some buckets and spades and take care of that eel problem.”

  “’Kay.”

  “You know, in my hovercraft? My hovercraft that’s full of eels?”

  “Yeah, su—wait. What?”

  “Dude, you’re totally ignoring me. I just threw some Python at you and you didn’t even bat an eyelid. What gives?”

  “Sorry, just distracted.”

  “About what?” Ty stood and strolled over to the fridge to help himself to some juice. “Did you, uh, have another run in with that guy, or something?” The look he gave Mattie was nothing short of brotherly concern.

  Mattie sat up slightly, reaching for his textbook. “No, Ty. I told you, I’m done with all that. Utterly and completely done.” It’d been more than a little humiliating explaining to Ty what had happened after only a few hours earlier declaring to the same person he no longer hooked.

  Ty nodded with what seemed like relief. “Hey, man, I wasn’t judging or doubting you or anything. I’ve just been a little worried, you know? My offer still stands, if you ever want to go back to this guy’s apartment and teach him a lesson, let me know. I’d quite happily introduce him to my baseball bat.”

  “That’s… sweet.”

  Ty nodded. “As honey.” He stared into the fridge, subconsciously curling his lip at the lack of contents inside. He pulled out the OJ. “So, what’s got you so distracted?”

  “My date, later.”

  Ty glanced over with a frown. “You’re always hanging out with Simon. Why are you nervous all of a sudden?”

  “He’s cooking for me at his place. As in, you know, a date, date.”

  Ty housed the juice back in the fridge and sat back at the small kitchen table with his glass. The fucker was smirking. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, ‘oh’.”

  “Well….” He shrugged. “I don’t see what you have to be nervous about. I mean, you’ll probably do the same shit, just at a nicer place.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  Ty looked around the kitchen, grinning. “I’ve got nothing against this shithole, but he’s a published author, right? He’s probably got all expensive furniture and stuff.”

  “He has a flat screen, and one of those new Mercedes in his garage.”

  Ty put his glass down with a thunk. �
�Hell, can I be his boyfriend?”

  “Nope. Position of hot young boyfriend has been filled, thank you very much.” Hell yes, he was smug.

  Ty leaned closer. “He have a pool table? Because, seriously man, if he does, you’re gonna have some competition.”

  Mattie laughed. “Actually, he used to, but then he threw it out and converted the space into a playroom for Jamie.”

  “Lucky kid.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is, uh, is Jamie going to be there?”

  Mattie shook his head. “No.” He glanced at Ty and couldn’t help but feel warmed by the protectiveness he sensed in him. “Ty, we’re taking baby steps. Just, sorta finding our way into something serious and more permanent-like. It’s a delicate situation.”

  Ty nodded, looking uncomfortable. “I get it, just, um….”

  “What?”

  “Just don’t forget what’s important for you, okay?”

  “How’d you mean?”

  “Well, the taking it slow thing, which makes sense, I get that. But in the meantime, well, you’ve got applications to fill out, tests to take, and a portfolio to think about.”

  Mattie sighed. “I know that.”

  Ty’s hands went up in a defensive gesture. “I’m not trying to piss you off or start something, I promise.”

  “No.” He nodded. “I know what it is you’re talking about.”

  “There’s only so much time to apply, Mattie. Then the chance is gone for another year.”

  Mattie worried his lip. “Would that be such a bad thing?”

  “Mattie, if you don’t do it now while you have a chance then you’re never going to do it, and you know it.”

  He wanted to put up an argument, but he couldn’t deny that what Ty was saying was true. He couldn’t imagine leaving Simon in a year’s time any more than he could in a few months’ time. Who was he kidding? A year to get closer to Simon, close to Jamie? Maybe living with each other, only to leave and disrupt whatever it was they might have built together? Ty was right; he wouldn’t be able to go.