The Coil

by Gilbert, L. A.

  “I don’t understand. Why would I send you one without a message?”

  “Because I’m going to send you one back, and we’re going to keep doing this every few weeks. This way, I know that you’re still coming back to me, or that perhaps when Jamie is older, I could be coming to you. No talking, no pain, just an ‘I’m still here.’”

  “To say ‘I’m still in this.’” Mattie spoke quietly, looking at the postcards.

  Simon nodded and cupped the nape of Mattie’s neck, bringing their brows together. “And if they stop coming.” He spoke softly. “Then I’ll know you’ve moved on.”

  “Ah, hell.” Mattie pulled away but kept hold of the cards.

  “You get everything this way, Mattie. You get to go to that school, and when you’re done? I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

  “What if you meet someone?” Mattie whispered miserably.

  Simon actually laughed. “Mattie, this is it for me. I’m done. I have my career, I have my son, and I have the man that I am going to love for the rest of my life. I swear to you, there will be no one else while you’re gone.”

  Mattie sighed, shaking his head. “I hate this.” He pulled Simon into a kiss. Too upset to deepen it with any real show of finesse, he pressed their lips together, took a gasping breath, and then did it again. “What now?” he asked.

  Simon swallowed. “Now? We go to bed to say good-bye in private. Then I’m going to take you home. And that’s it. I won’t be at the diner. No airport farewells. You get everything tied off here, and then you head out to New York.”

  “Promise me you’ll stock up on postcards, because you’re gonna need a lot. A fucking lot,” Mattie choked out, and not waiting for an answer, he dragged Simon to the kitchen floor.

  HE’D stuck to his word and stayed away from the diner until now. Two weeks had passed, and Simon had his first postcard. Only now could he return to where it was he used to write. Ten minutes after sitting in his booth, however, and he hadn’t written a word.

  He missed Mattie so much he ached.

  Jamie was fine. There had been questions, sure. He’d certainly noted that Mattie wasn’t around anymore, but thankfully Mattie hadn’t been a part of Jamie’s life long enough to cause any major disruption.

  He closed his laptop. He couldn’t come here anymore. He looped his satchel over his head and went up to the counter to pay for his half-eaten salad. He met Ty’s unreadable gaze, and only just stopped himself from rolling his eyes. He just did not give a shit.

  “Hey, man,” Ty offered lamely. “How’re you doing?”

  “Just peachy.” He pulled out five dollars. “For lunch.”

  “Hey!” Ty called out, following him to the entrance. “Wait up a sec.”

  He held up his hand. “Just don’t, okay? I don’t want to talk about him.”

  “You don’t want to know how he’s doing?”

  That gave him pause. He had a blank postcard with a return address. He’d even gone as far as to look it up on Google Maps so he could at least see where Mattie was. But that was it. He sighed. “How’s he doing?” he relented.

  Ty offered a sympathetic smile. “He’s fine, even managed to get a roach-infested apartment with another student.” Ty tilted his head. “I hear you helped out on the money front. That’s pretty decent of you. To be honest, I thought he’d left it too long to get in.”

  Simon shrugged. “Yeah, well.”

  “Simon?” Ty asked, waiting for eye contact, then continued. “I know it sucks, but you totally put him first. My hat’s off to you.”

  Simon nodded. “You’re keeping in touch with him?”

  “Well, duh. He’s only my best friend.”

  Simon smiled. “Keep an eye on him, okay? Let me know if he needs help or anything.”

  “Will do.” Ty slapped Simon’s forearm with his dishcloth. “Hey, he starts at that fancy college tomorrow. He’s shitting it, man.” He laughed, and so did Simon.

  “He’s going to do great.”

  “That’s what I keep telling him. You know….” Ty paused, uncharacteristically tentative. “You can talk to me whenever you want. I know you two have some kind of weird pen pal thing going on now, but if you ever want to cheat and know how he’s doing, just ask.”

  Simon huffed a quiet laugh and nodded. “Thanks. I just might do that.” He adjusted the strap on his shoulder. “Anyway, I have to get going.”

  “Can you wait just one more second? I have something for you.”

  “Uh, sure.” Frowning, he watched Ty dip into the “Employees Only” door, and then let out a genuine laugh when he returned, holding an animal carry case with a familiar-looking bunny inside. “You’re kidding me?” He laughed, crouching to check that it was in fact Mattie’s rabbit blinking sleepily back at him.

  “I’ve been bringing him in with me every day, hoping you’d stop by.”

  Simon shook his head. “Looks like I’m well on my way to building that zoo.”

  “Say what now?”

  “Never mind.” He carefully took the carrier from Ty. “Well, I apparently have a bunny.”

  “Actually, no, you don’t.”

  “I thought—?”

  “I’m under strict instructions to make sure this gets to Jamie.” Ty glanced away for a second. “Up until the last moment, I think he was waiting for you to turn up and beg him not to leave. You did him a kindness, you hear?”

  Something inside of Simon throbbed, but he managed a small, sad smile. “I’ll make sure Jamie gets his new bunny. Don’t worry.”

  “All right then. Well, take care, man.”

  “Yeah, you too. Thanks.”

  Three years ahead of him.

  Three years.

  Epilogue

  HE’D tried his best to sneak a quick peek. He’d craned his neck slightly, keeping his body obscured behind the line of people in front of him, looking for just a glimpse of Simon. Just a glimpse of those thin-rimmed glasses that he’d always found classy and sophisticated-looking. A quick look at his short, light-brown hair, graying slightly at the temples. That unsure smile that had, for him, always been flat out gorgeous

  There was no line to hide behind now. For two hours he’d queued and debated over what he would say. For two hours he had tortured himself with questions he could not answer unless he actually grew a pair and forced himself to voice them to the one person who could answer him. But what was he doing? He was hiding. He was hiding in the young adult section, clutching the latest hardback by Simon Castle to his chest like a lifeline.

  Did that intense spark between them still exist? What if it wasn’t the same? The easy conversation, the comfortable silences, the simple reassurance of Simon’s cologne, and the very basic luxury of his presence. What if he didn’t love Simon the same? He sighed, instantly dismissing the thought. His mind would stray to Simon and their brief time together at least once every day. At least once a day he’d allow himself to feel utterly heartsick. He’d let himself remember and regret leaving, even if it had been the right thing to do. He knew that the only way he’d no longer love Simon was if he’d changed: if he was no longer the sweet, loving, and adorably boring Simon he’d known years ago.

  Perhaps the more important question was whether he was too different for Simon? The past few years had been the making of him, really. He’d never wanted to leave, but after nearly three years of living independently in New York, of having had the chance to change and to develop his work in different mediums, he knew now what he couldn’t understand then. Simon had given him the permission he hadn’t been able to give himself to pursue something life-altering. And though it had broken both of their hearts to do so, he had never felt so at home in his own skin as a result.

  The coil of rope that he had manifested and pictured inside of himself for so long was completely absent. He still had moments where he doubted himself, but he knew who he was. More importantly, he liked who he was now. But would the person he was now be able to engage with whoever it was
Simon had become? Not to mention Jamie. Would Jamie remember him at all? He’d been five years old when he’d left without so much as a good-bye. He’d be eight now and held memories of him that only his five-year-old self would have. He supposed another big question that threatened to drive him into a full panic was whether Jamie was old enough to leave the only home he’d ever known, and what would that mean for the three of them?

  He knew the only way to answer any of these questions would be to walk up to the man in question and ask them. He edged out from the hidey-hole he’d sequestered himself in, and chanced a casual glance toward a large table at the back of the store.

  The hours of queuing and inner monologue had not prepared him. With a harsh intake of breath, Mattie spotted him, seated at a long table stacked high with copies of the book he held in his hands now, facing away from him. He’d recognize the back of that head anywhere.

  The place had emptied out, and Simon was speaking with a woman who he assumed (judging by the name tag) worked in the store. One hand rested on the table, fingers drumming. He couldn’t help but notice a slightly defeated slump in Simon’s shoulders, and wondered if his thus far absence could be the cause of it.

  Telling himself to stop being a chickenshit, he slowly approached the table. He had every intention of saying something suave, of appearing cool and collected, like a whole and newly self-possessed and well-balanced individual. But the second Simon glanced his way, doing an abrupt double take, he was back at the diner, watching the hot single dad typing away at a laptop.

  Simon stood, ignoring how the woman he had been speaking to seconds before patted his arm before walking away. Everything they had been through and all the changes he had made in his life accumulated to that moment of them standing opposite one another, nothing but a table between them.

  “Hey,” Mattie croaked, hating himself for sounding so scared and not like some sexy bastard who had arrived to reclaim his lover.

  “Mattie,” Simon breathed, a smile so relieved and happy splitting across his face.

  Mattie felt an identical smile begin to spread across his lips. He reached to slide the copy of Simon’s book across the table in the hopes of sounding witty by asking Simon to sign it. “Would you do me the pleasure of—”

  Only to knock over a stack of books.

  “Shit! I—I’m sorry, let me just….” He quickly crouched, feeling himself flush red hot as he gathered books and attempted to clean up the mess he’d caused, his hands shaking.

  “Mattie.” Simon spoke softly, a look of amusement, relief and devotion on his face as he reached for Mattie’s hand, stilling him. “It’s fine, honey.”

  He looked up sharply at the endearment, and saw Simon’s throat bob nervously. They stood, and both shuffled awkwardly before speaking at the same time.

  “That’s not the impress—”

  “I’m so glad you’re—”

  They both laughed nervously, and Mattie rubbed at the back of his neck. “You look really good,” he offered, and it was true. Simon’s hair was longer and styled back with streaks of silver on either side of his temples. His glasses were the same, which for some reason Mattie found reassuring, and he was also sporting a light scruff that made him flat-out devastatingly handsome.

  “You too.” Simon nodded, putting his hands in his pockets and then taking them out again a second later, as if he didn’t know what to do with them. “I—I was worried you weren’t coming. I was going to go over to your apartment if you didn’t show.”

  Mattie smiled and pulled a scuffed and broken compass in the shape of a penguin out of his jacket pocket. “I guess this thing still works.”

  Simon let out a quiet, breathless laugh, nodding. “Guess it does.”

  “Is, um… is Jamie with you?”

  “No, not this trip. Next time, maybe.”

  “How is he?”

  Simon smiled. “He’s doing wonderfully. He’s with his grandmother right now.”

  “Oh yeah?” Mattie smiled. The last he’d known, Simon’s relationship with his mother had been a tenuous thing. If she’d been left in charge of Jamie in Simon’s absence, it boded well. “Just your mom, or your mom and Sarah?”

  “Oh, Sarah’s got enough on her plate.” He grinned. “Seeing as she’s newly married and eight months pregnant.”

  “Shit!” He laughed.

  “Yep.”

  He bit his lip. “That’s great about Jamie and your mom, Simon.”

  Simon nodded. “We’re all doing pretty well.” His eyes widened with curiosity, and he moved a fraction closer. “How’s art school going? Shouldn’t you be nearly… you know, finished?”

  Mattie, of all things, felt himself begin to flush again. “Yeah, nearly. It’s been….” He shook his head, at a loss for words. “It’s been incredible. I have this part-time job working in a gallery; the guy who owns it even sells a few of my pieces every now and then.”

  “Wh—that’s great, Mattie!”

  Mattie smiled, enjoying how pleased and impressed Simon appeared. “Yeah, I love it here.”

  “Is it, uh, a job that could lead to something more permanent, do you think?” Simon asked carefully.

  “I think so, yeah. My three years at school are nearly up, so….” He honest to God had not meant to utter such a loaded sentence.

  Simon looked at him, his mouth opening and then closing before he glanced away. Mattie laughed quietly.

  “You’re either all wordy, or you can’t speak at all.” He spoke softly.

  Simon let out a breath and nodded, smiling wryly.

  Mattie could see a million questions circling in Simon’s annoyingly big brain, all fighting to make their way out. It reassured him. It showed him that the man he knew he was without a doubt still in love with was as terrified and nervous as he was. Simon had been the one to take them this far, to make him leave and go find himself in a city of skyscrapers. Mattie could do the rest. But first….

  “Simon?” he began softly, forcing the other man to look him in the eye. “I need to thank you.”

  Simon shook his head, almost sadly. “Mattie, you did all this yourself.”

  He too shook his head no. “That isn’t true. You knew I was too afraid to do any of this alone. You knew I couldn’t leave you and Jamie. So thank you.” He swallowed hard. “Thank you for making me go. Thank you for letting me go, just for a little while.”

  Simon looked him in the eye, as if trying to read him. “F-for a little while?” he echoed with an unmistakable lilt of hope.

  Mattie took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Simon, these past three years have been painful, without you. But they have also been the making of me. I… I like who I am now.” He gave a tremulous smile, shrugging helplessly. “I feel good about who I am, I like the work I do… but it’s not complete.” He shook his head. “It’s not right because you and Jamie aren’t here.”

  “Are—” Simon wet his lips. “Are you saying… what are you saying?” He laughed nervously.

  “I’m saying that if you’re still in this, like I am, then after I’ve finished up at school, I’ll be coming home to you. If I’m welcome, that is.”

  “You’d give up your job?”

  “I’ve had my time, Simon, and I can paint anywhere.” He swallowed. “I miss my family.”

  Simon clenched his jaw, his eyes taking on a sheen. He sniffed and then shook his head with a quiet laugh. “Mattie, I won’t lie and say that New York was the only place I could have had a book signing. I came here for one main reason, and that’s you. I couldn’t wait any longer, and I needed to see if we could still be… us, I suppose.”

  Mattie nodded, his heart in his throat but unwilling to interrupt.

  “But, following that, and I suppose dependent on whether we were still an ‘us’, I came here for one other reason. I came to shop.”

  Mattie stared at him. Blinked. “Shop,” he repeated. “Um. Okay.”

  Simon laughed. “Mattie, shop for schools, and by extensi
on, an apartment too.”

  Mattie felt a smile shakily begin to spread over his mouth. “A-an apartment?” he stuttered, his voice thick and his breaths coming in halted little gasps.

  Simon swallowed and finally reached out to gently cup the side of Mattie’s neck, his thumb brushing along his jawline. “There’s a school here for autistic children. The New York Center for Autism Charter School. It’s one of the leading and most progressive schools for high-functioning kids with autism in the country.”

  “But I thought… J-Jamie’s used to San Diego.”

  “Yes, he is. But he’s not five anymore, Mattie. He’s doing well, and I think he’s ready for something new. He’s been seeing a behavioral therapist for two years, and he is just….” Simon shook his head, overcome with pride. “He still has his challenges, believe me, but he is the bravest kid you’ll ever meet. He’s ready, Mattie. We both are.”

  “You would… you would actually move here, the two of you, to be with me?” He’d had himself ready to up and change his entire world; now Simon was throwing him through a loop.

  Simon pressed his lips in a tight line to smother a smile. “You know how we cut all ties, with the exception of those damn postcards?”

  “Yeah?”

  “No contact, just space for you to explore college and all that?”

  “Yes?”

  “Yeah, I totally cheated.”

  Mattie barked out a strangled laugh. “What?”

  “Ty’s pretty much become my link to you over the past few years. Or rather, I’ve become the bane of his existence.” He shrugged, grinning and unconcerned. “Every time I ask, you’re doing great, apparently. Now I come here and see that, yeah, you are. So I came up with this alternative, because I’m not taking you away from this if you’re happy, and I’m sure as hell not staying away any longer.”

  “You…? H-he never said a word!”

  Simon nodded. “Because I told him not to.”

  Mattie laughed, wiping his hands over his face. “Okay.” He held out his hands and then rested them on Simon’s chest. “Okay, let me just get this clear. We can do this? You came here… not to end it, but to… to….”