From Within

by J. M. Walker

  My eyes burned and I tried to pull my head from his grip but his hold tightened.

  Caiden leaned his forehead against mine, cupping the back of my neck with both hands. “I know you remember what I told you a couple of days ago.”

  My chest ached. I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t feel the same way. And he knew it. I loved him like a brother, a friend. I wasn’t gay but he was the only man I’ve ever been comfortable enough with to show a part of myself that had been closed off for so long. That I’ve ever displayed my vulnerability in front of and I’ve ever allowed to hold me the way he had.

  “I know you don’t return the feelings I have for you,” his voice lowered so only I could hear him. “And I don’t want you to lose any sleep because of it.”

  “I’m…I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking down.

  “Don’t. Don’t you dare apologize. You can’t force feelings. Not with me. Not with Hope. Not with anyone. Look at me, Xander.”

  I met his gaze and swallowed back my words. What would I say? What could I say?

  “Don’t worry about what I told you. Right now, I don’t want anything. I want…this.” He kissed my forehead, letting his lips linger.

  My eyes fluttered closed and I knew right then that I could never give him what he needed. But I could be that friend. That one that would be there for him no matter what. That would support him in any decision he made.

  “Besides,” he pulled back, smiling softly at me. “I have someone to curb my cravings.”

  My eyes widened.

  He chuckled. “Yes. You’ll meet her soon I’m sure.”

  “Her?” I asked, frowning.

  His smile faded. “I’m not gay, Xander. Yes, I’ve been with men but because I was attracted to them, not their gender.”

  “Oh…”

  He laughed. “I know it’s confusing but I like to refer to myself as pansexual.” He grimaced. “Some think that means we are attracted to anything and I do mean anything, no matter the species or age but that’s not true. Well not in my case, anyways.”

  I nodded, understanding. I glanced at Hope before looking back at him. “So basically you fall for the heart whether they’re male or female?”

  “Exactly and when you meet her, you’ll understand more,” he said, motioning for Hope to join us. He stepped out of the way, keeping a distance. “Now, enough about me. Hope, you remember everything I taught you?”

  “Yes,” she said, her voice firm. She stepped in front of me and placed her hand on my chest. “I know we’ve had our issues and I know you have so many questions about why I left and how I could leave without fighting my parents. I will tell you. I promise you this but right now? I want you to trust me. I need you to trust that I will never hurt you again. Can you do that?”

  I swallowed hard, my heart racing. “I…” I cleared my throat. “I want to.”

  “Good. That’s all I can expect right now.” She walked around me, allowing her hand to graze ever so slightly over my arm, my back, my stomach.

  “Zee, I know you enjoy your music. It’s a form of therapy for you,” Caiden said, holding an MP3 player in his hand. “If you listen to this music, will you allow yourself to feel?”

  All I could do was nod.

  He handed me the small player and pulled a black scarf from his pocket. “I’m going to blind fold you. I want you to turn the music up as loud as you can. We need you to drown out those demons.”

  My palms became sweaty at what he was asking of me. Blind to the outside world and what they would be doing to me and deaf to the sounds of them talking and moving about. Would they be discussing me? My issues?

  Caiden squeezed my shoulder. “Anytime you need us to stop, I want you to shout out, Charming.”

  “Charming?” I repeated, the word tasting funny on my tongue.

  He nodded.

  “It’s your safeword, baby,” Hope said softly, linking her fingers in mine.

  For the first time since she had been back, the term of endearment we had for each other didn’t bother me. I craved it and welcomed it with open arms, needing it now more than ever before. “Okay.”

  “Put the ear buds in your ears and turn on the music. It’s on shuffle. You will know when it’s time to turn it off.” Caiden held the scarf in his hands and brought it up to my eyes. “Remember your safeword.”

  I placed the buds in my ears and pressed play as my world darkened.

  He tied the scarf tightly around my head, cutting off my vision completely.

  The two senses of me not being able to see or hear anything except for the music, made everything else hyper aware. My skin tingled, coming alive with anticipation. My lungs constricted with each baited breath.

  The music flowed into my ears, washing over me like a lover’s touch. I jumped when warm fingers pushed underneath my shirt, grazing lightly over my abs. It was hard not to speak as I gave myself to Hope in ways I never could imagine.

  She linked her fingers in mine and I knew it was her by the way her hand fit perfectly in my palm. With a gentle tug, she pulled me to my knees and lifted both of my arms above my head. Next thing I knew, she pulled my t-shirt off of my torso, the cool wind sending a shiver down my spine.

  A soft peck was placed on my back between my shoulder blades and I sighed, leaning into the touch. The ear buds were suddenly pulled from my ears. “I was supposed to let you listen to the music, allowing you to dive into the melody but I need you to hear my words,” Hope said softly and kissed my cheek.

  I nodded and reached up to pull the blind fold off of my face.

  She came into my view, smiling. Her beautiful eyes twinkled, dancing under the flicker of the dim glow in the room. “Caiden trained me to make you fly.” She pointed to the ceiling.

  I looked up and frowned. A gold hook hung from it with a rope and lever attached. I didn’t know exactly what I was looking at.

  “It’s to help me lift you when I’m by myself. He had it installed a couple of days ago.”

  “I never thought you would be into kink, Hope,” I blurted, cupping her cheek. My thumb grazed back and forth along her jawline and my lips tingled. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to make love to her body, her soul, her mind and never let her go. She was the light in my sea of darkness. Even before she came back. Thinking of her kept me going.

  “I want to do this for you. I want to help you battle your demons,” she said, her voice firm.

  I glanced around us, noticing for the first time that we were alone. “Caiden told me he loves me.”

  She placed a hand over mine and leaned into my palm. “I know. That’s why I told you to talk to him.”

  I sighed. “I love him but not the way he needs me to.”

  Hope nodded. “He has someone who will take care of him until…”

  I met her gaze when her words trailed off. “Until what?”

  She swallowed a couple of times before looking away. “Never mind.” She rose to her feet, her crotch lining up perfectly with my face.

  My dick stirred and I cleared my throat. Memories of her taste flowing down my throat while I swallowed her orgasms slid into my mind. “Hope.” My voice came out guttural and husky. This was not the time to be thinking about throwing her down on the floor and fucking her until she forgot her name.

  Hope giggled, grazing a hand over my buzzed head.

  My eyes shot up to hers. “Did you giggle? Are you laughing at my misfortune?”

  “I’m laughing at the fact that right now, you are probably thinking about throwing me to the ground and having your way with me but you can’t because Caiden could walk in at any time.”

  I nodded. “Yup, exactly, but he probably won’t walk in. I swear that guy has Jedi mind tricks up his sleeve.”

  Her laugh hardened. “I love your Star Wars references.” She sighed, pinching my chin and tilted my head. “I’ve missed them.”

  I shrugged. What could I say? I was a sucker for those movies. Light sabers. Aliens. Yoda. Oh my.
“I’ve missed you,” I whispered, not sure if she heard me.

  Her eyes saddened but she took a step back, holding the coiled up rope in her hand still. “Will you allow me to make you fly? No blind folds. No music. Just you and me.”

  “Yes.”

  A deep sigh escaped her, a lonely tear running down her cheek. “Stand and take off your pants.”

  My heart gave a thump at the firm tone of her voice and I did what I was told. I stood in my boxers, waiting for her next instructions.

  “Take them off,” she demanded, pointing at my waist. Her cheeks were flush, her voice dripping with arousal.

  Under normal circumstances, I would have played into it but right now, I found myself wanting to feel. I wanted to embrace whatever she had to give me.

  “I want you to keep your eyes down. Do not talk unless I say. If you need to speak, you must ask for permission first.” She walked around me, keeping her hand on my body no matter which way she moved. “Take off your boxers,” she repeated.

  I slid them down my legs, kicking them to the side. Never being ashamed of my nudity, I would usually brush it off but right now, I felt opened. Bare. Stripped of all things that could stop her from seeing me. The real me.

  “Anything you want to say before we get started?” she asked, stopping in front of me.

  “What made you decide to…” I motioned around us. “Get into all of this?”

  She chewed her bottom lip, her cheeks reddening. “I accidentally walked in on Caiden tying up a woman. My story is pretty much the same as his. I was intrigued. And I instantly thought of you.”

  “Me?” My brows furrowed. “Why?”

  “Because…I want to help you regain control of your life. The guilt is going to destroy you and that…that scares me.” Her breath hitched. She closed the distance between us. “Kneel.”

  That word. That one small word. One syllable. One meaning. Submit.

  My legs gave out beneath me of their own accord and I found myself on my knees before I could even begin to protest.

  “Eyes down,” she demanded.

  I looked at my hands folded in my lap. Unfolding them, I placed them on my thighs and then folded them again. I was antsy and I had no idea what to do with them or what would be the outcome of this night.

  “Don’t worry, baby.” She petted a hand over my head. “I’ll guide you.”

  Her words were soothing, caressing me as if they were actually touching me themselves. “I’m ready,” I whispered.

  A thud sounded behind me, my heart jumped along with it.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurted a moment later.

  Hope grabbed my hands, pulling my arms behind my back. “Why are you sorry?”

  “For being rough. Earlier,” I added, linking my fingers.

  “If I wanted you gentle, I would have told you.” She kissed my shoulder, sliding the rope around my wrists until they were bound and pulled taught. “I liked knowing you couldn’t control yourself. That you needed me as much as I needed you.” The ends of the rope slipped over my shoulders when Hope crisscrossed them over my chest. “I hadn’t planned on having sex with you but you were right. Seeing you again brought all of these feelings back. I tried to move on. I tried to get over you but I couldn’t. It was impossible.”

  Her confession threw me off. I figured after all of this time, she would have married and had a house full of kids by now but knowing that was not the case made my inner alpha stand at large. I was happy to know she had been as miserable as I was, even though she deserved better.

  Suddenly, my head was pulled back, the rope slipping around my throat.

  Her eyes darkened, taking on a hint of lust and possession. “If you want to breathe, I suggest keeping your head back.”

  Holy. Hell. My dick lengthened at the threat in her voice and fuck me if it wasn’t hot as hell. Swallowing was difficult as the rope tightened around me but it was exhilarating. Submitting all control to Hope was new. She had never been the authoritative figure type but so much had changed in the past ten years, who knew what she was like now. My thoughts conjured up images of her dressed in black leather, holding a bullwhip and cracking it hard against me as I crawled around her.

  “I think you like my rope,” she whispered in my ear, sliding it under my semi-hard erection. “Caiden had this rope specially ordered. Its type is called, Jute and it won’t scratch or harm your skin.” She tucked it between my legs, the smooth fibers of it brushing over the heavy sack beneath my length.

  A moan escaped me, my heart racing hard. The blood pounded in my ears but all I could focus on was Hope’s voice and the rope kissing my body with each touch.

  “That’s it, love. Feel me touch you through the fibers of the rope.”

  Her words swirled around me. My vision became hazy, my throat dry. The air left my lungs on quick bursts as the rope wrapped around and around me. My torso. My chest. The heavy length between my thighs. My arms were bound behind my back. Snug and in place, not being able to move an inch.

  “Are you ready to fly, Xander?” Hope asked, caressing her hand down my cheek.

  “Yes,” I breathed, swaying towards her touch. My eyes fluttered closed but not before I saw her head towards a lever on the wall. Suddenly, I was lifted, my body swaying gently a few feet from the ground.

  My body tilted, my feet dangling behind me.

  “Bend your knees,” she demanded softly and wrapped the rope around my ankles.

  My muscles became tight, jumping under my skin with delicious anticipation.

  “He’s ready,” I heard Hope say.

  I jumped when a liquid heat grazed down the length of my back.

  “Look at me, Xander,” she said, placing a soft kiss on my lips.

  My eyes slowly opened, landing on the beautiful woman before me. The dim lighting gave her an unearthly glow much like the Hope from my dreams. Only this time, she was more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. “Hope,” I breathed out, purring as the hot liquid ran down my spine.

  She smiled against my mouth. “Let yourself go for me.” Her hand slid down my torso before gently grazing over my cock.

  I bucked against her, groaning as her fingers scratched me lightly while it mixed with the powerful heat running over my body.

  “Embrace the hot bite of the wax, Xander.” Caiden’s voice.

  “I’m not trained in wax play,” Hope said gently, noting my confusion. Her mouth covered mine in a hard bruising kiss, her tongue sliding between my lips. “Let go. Not for me. But for you.” Her grip on me remained soft and gentle, while the kiss screamed for her to go harder. But she didn’t. And I found that I didn’t want her to.

  The heat bit into my skin, tingling over my body as Caiden continued to pour the melted wax onto me.

  The sensations mixed, swirling around me, tugging at the recesses of my mind. “Hope.” Her name left me on a breathless moan.

  Her tongue pushed into my mouth, silencing me. “Let go.”

  My body shook and tugged against the restraints, my muscles straining and tightening. “Please.”

  “Shhh…” Her kiss softened, her thumb grazing over the head of my length. “Come, baby.”

  I groaned. A tingle shot down my spine, as I came hard and fast into the palm of her hand. The euphoria was so strong, my vision blacked out.

  “That’s it. Fly for me. Embrace the heat of the wax.” Her words. So soothing and caring, but firm and demanding, washed over me.

  I couldn’t help but listen and submit to her ways. It was the ultimate freedom as I gave her all of me.

  The hot sting of the wax on my skin simmered, erupting into a delicious roar.

  Hope released me. She looked up when the door behind us closed softly before meeting my gaze.

  My eyes became heavy, fluttering open and closed repeatedly.

  She winked and brought her hand up to her mouth, licking the essence from my earlier release off of her hand.

  “I love you,” I whispered, finally
giving in and allowing sleep to take over.

  ***

  (Hope)

  As much as I didn’t want to leave Xander after the pure and utter submission he had given me, I needed to head to the hospital to see my dad. Although a part of me felt my mom only told me to come and see him because she wanted control. Maybe that was where I had gotten it from. The need to control and overpower someone. But for my parents? It was all about keeping me under a tight leash. With me? I wanted to control Xander but I wanted to help him more. I wanted to help him heal and trust me again. I wanted to make him see he could control his demons. He could ignore those voices in his head. He could move past them. But little did I know, I should probably listen to my own advice. I needed to tell Xander about my alcohol issue. About the control I never had in the first place once I left him.

  I never would have thought we both would have addiction issues. After him losing his parents and then me, I guess I figured he would have moved on rather quickly instead of diving into the fiery hell of a bottle.

  A chime sounded, indicating an incoming call and I pressed the Bluetooth on my phone. “Hello?”

  “Morning.”

  My heart fluttered at the deep voice coming through the speakers. “Hi,” I breathed, gripping the steering wheel tight.

  “I was surprised to not find you beside me when I woke up,” Xander said, his voice rough and gravelly.

  Clearing my throat, I let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. My dad had a heart attack. My mom called me yesterday.”

  “Shit, Hope. I’m so sorry.”

  “Me too,” was all I said.

  “Listen,” Xander coughed. “About last night…”

  “It was wonderful,” I blurted, my cheeks heating.

  “Yes,” he said, his voice smug. “It sure as hell was.”

  I laughed, shaking my head. “How are you doing? Are you mad at me or anything?”