From Within

by J. M. Walker

  Her eyes saddened and she looked down at her hands in her lap. “I lost it. I was so scared to tell you I think the stress of it all caused me to lose it.” When she met my gaze, my heart dropped. “The baby wasn’t yours.”

  Fuck. Something had told me it wasn’t mine. That nagging little annoying piece of shit voice that talks to you when you do something bad. When you know you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing, but you do it anyways out of spite.

  “I’m so sorry.” Her breath caught.

  “You cheated on me?” I asked, even though I knew the answer already.

  “We had a fight and I was upset—”

  “Who was the guy?” With shaky hands, I scrubbed them down my face.

  “I don’t know,” she confessed.

  My head whipped around. “So you fucked some random guy because we had a fight and you were upset? You never thought to use a fucking condom?”

  “We did use a condom,” she cried. “God, Xander, that was so long ago. It was some guy at a bar—”

  “That’s supposed to make it better? You fucking random men like a whore?”

  Her body shook, soft cries leaving her lips. “You told me to go to hell.”

  “I was mad!” It was so long ago, I didn’t even remember why we had the fight in the first place. A thought crossed my mind, jarring my memory. “We fought because you wanted to go back to school and I didn’t want you to. We both blew up. It got heated. I told you to go to hell and you fucked some guy at a bar. Tell me, Hope, did you at least take him home or go back to his place?” I looked at her when she didn’t answer.

  She stared out the window but wouldn’t meet my gaze.

  I laughed, shaking my head. “You actually fucked him at the bar didn’t you? In the bathroom?”

  “Yes,” she answered.

  “Of course you did.” I rose to my feet. “You know, if you wanted to be fucked like a slut, all you had to do was tell me. At least then you would have known you’d be safe.” I didn’t wait for her to respond and left the house, slamming the door shut behind me.

  ***

  (Hope)

  I had been terrified to tell Xander the truth. Scared that he would leave me and hate me for what I had done. All because we had a fight.

  A sharp pain erupted through my abdomen, forcing me to my knees. I cried out, gripping my lower stomach, tears stinging my eyes. “No,” I pleaded, begging God to let the baby be okay. I knew I had done wrong. I knew I had sinned and cheated on Xander but it was not the baby’s fault. Please, God, don’t take my baby away from me. Hurt me. Make me suffer. But keep my baby safe.

  Another sharp pain exploded inside of me. I cried out, curling over. Something warm seeped into my panties and I knew. Right then, I knew. Because of my mistake, my baby was dying. Because I was too scared to tell Xander. So I left him.

  Bone crushing sobs wracked through my body as I could feel the life pouring out of me. It was so unfair that a baby could be taken away just like that. I never had a chance to love it. I never even had a chance to feel it move. And now I was losing it.

  Because of this, I swore I would stay away from Xander for good. A part of me blamed him. I was angry at the fact that we fought. Furious that he pushed me, forcing me into another man’s arms. I didn’t even remember the guy but I was carrying his child that was now being ripped from me.

  I could feel my soul breaking, shattering into a million pieces.

  My baby. My unborn child. It was dying.

  I was helpless, knowing there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it.

  “He hates me,” I sobbed, trying to forget that horrible day of losing my baby. I curled my arms around myself and fell to my knees. “God, I’m such a horrible person.”

  “You are not a horrible person,” Caiden said gently, rubbing my back in smooth circles. “Give him time.”

  “Time!” I yelled. “All we’ve had is time but I screwed it up. If we never would have had that fight. If I wouldn’t have slept with some random guy.” I hiccupped. “If I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.” Cries wracked through my body. The guilt I felt for betraying Xander tore through me. I would have done anything to go back in time and change everything. Even if I would have still gotten pregnant, I would have confessed to Xander instead of leaving. Then I would have still given birth to the baby. My baby. My stomach twisted, a sharp pain tearing through my soul. “I wanted the baby to be Xander’s. I prayed it would be.” The tears flowed freely down my cheeks. “But the weeks didn’t add up.” I glanced up at Caiden. “I never meant to hurt him.”

  Caiden’s gaze darkened with sympathy, his eyes saddening. “I know, Hope. He will forgive you. That’s one thing you have to remember about him. His heart is big. He loves you. Although you’ve hurt him, he’ll want your love more. Remember that.”

  I nodded, sniffing and wiped the tears from under my eyes. “When I lost the baby, my mother told me it was probably a good thing so then I wouldn’t have raised a bastard child.” I grimaced. “And she wonders why I can’t stand to be around her.”

  Caiden winced. “Your mother means well but she needs to think before she speaks sometimes.”

  I scoffed and rose to my feet. “That’s an understatement.”

  “Yeah.” Caiden coughed, hacking until his cheeks reddened.

  “You alright?” I asked, frowning.

  He nodded. “Yes,” he wheezed.

  My heart gave a start. “You need to tell him,” I said softly.

  “No.” His gaze shot to mine. “And don’t you dare tell him either.”

  “Caiden.”

  “Promise me!” he snapped. “He’s not ready. We need to help him first. He needs…” He slumped down onto the couch. “He needs me.”

  I sat beside him and wrapped my arm around his. “I know.”

  Caiden pulled from my grip and wrapped his arm around my shoulders instead.

  Leaning against him, I curled my feet under me.

  “There’s so many things he has to learn and that I have to teach you. God, this shit sucks,” Caiden’s voice cracked. He scrubbed a hand down his face, finally letting the tears flow down his cheeks.

  I held him while he cried. If only Xander knew. Knowing would make it easier, but I was afraid Caiden wouldn’t talk to Xander until it was too late.

  They say life is too short. Live every day like it’s your last. One morning you could wake up and your world could be ripped out right from under you. In Caiden’s case, his world had been tipped on its axis for years. But he never told anyone. Only me and that was going to piss Xander off even more.

  ***

  (Xander)

  Where I was headed, I had no idea. The only thing I knew was that I needed to get away. I needed some control in my life. I needed sustenance. I needed things to be normal. I had Shana’s recital to attend later that evening but I wasn’t in the mood. I wanted to dive into myself, curl into a little ball and hide.

  Tears burned my eyes and my throat became thick. My skin tingled, my muscles jumping and twitching under my skin. But I walked. And walked. Heading in the direction of an open grassy field surrounded by trees. The cold wind whipped around me, biting into the flesh that wasn’t covered by my clothing.

  I started running, pounding my feet hard into the ground. My chest constricted with the air I tried so desperately to breathe in. Shit. “Fuck,” I yelled out, stopping abruptly and fell to my knees. “Why, Hope?” A sob escaped me. If only she would have told me. If only she would have come to me for help. I would have loved the baby like it was my own. Yes, I would have been pissed, hurt, angry, but eventually I would get over it. I would forgive her. But she never gave me the chance. And her stress and worry over my reaction caused her to lose a life. A precious little gem growing inside of her. All because of me. Was I hard to deal with? Was I hard to approach? I thought I was always a reasonable person. Did I have a temper? I didn’t even know. Why the hell didn’t I know?

  Leaning on my knuckles w
ith all of my weight, they pushed into the ground. The gravel bit into my skin, the sharp sting sending a warmth over my body. Pain. So much pain. Good pain. Bad pain. All of it surrounded me. Memories of the wax being poured onto my body by the hands of Caiden seared its way into my mind. More.

  I always wanted more. All through high school I was never satisfied. “Why?” Hope being with another man made bile rise to my throat. I had been with women. Many women. But it never occurred to me that Hope would be with anyone else but me. It was unrealistic but a part of me liked to think I had ruined her for all men. The Dominant Alpha inside of me reared its ugly head over the fact some other dick put a baby in her. Something I couldn’t give her because the fear of my reactions caused her to leave me.

  Knowing I was the sole reason for her departure made my stomach twist and turn with gripping agony. Why the fuck couldn’t I have a normal life? Why couldn’t Hope and I be happy and together? Why did Caiden have to love me? “Why!” I screamed, hitting my fists against the ground. “Why?” It came out as a whisper.

  Something soft touched my arm and I jumped. Spinning around, I found Hope kneeling behind me, tears streaming down her face. I wanted to yell, scream and beg. Demand answers I knew I had no right demanding in the first place. So I did the only thing I could think of. I pulled her into my arms, wrapping mine around her and held her. Hugging her like my life depended on it, I poured all of my feelings into that touch.

  Her body stiffened at the abrupt movement but I only held her tighter. She finally relaxed, curling herself around me and cried softly into the crook of my neck. “I am so sorry,” she said softly, her voice hoarse like she had been crying for a while.

  Something poked at me, jabbing at my soul. Something was wrong but I didn’t know what. Pulling back, I cupped her cheeks, brushing my thumbs under her eyes.

  The wind whipped around us, curling under our clothes and brushing through her hair. The mid-day sun shone down on her, casting a halo around her beautiful body. “I’ve been in love with you since the moment you stepped into my life,” I whispered. “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t talk to me and that it caused you to lose the baby.” My breath hitched but I continued. “If you would have come to me, I would have helped you raise it. I would have loved it like my own.”

  “I know,” fresh tears flowed down her cheeks. “I know that now. And I am so sorry. I’m sorry for that fight we had. I’m sorry for leaving you and not trusting you. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.” She looked away, a dark shadow passing over her face.

  “Hey,” I pinched her chin, forcing her to look at me. “What was that?”

  She chewed her bottom lip. “There’s something else you don’t know. After…after I lost the baby,” she swallowed hard. “I started drinking. I couldn’t control myself. One night I ended up in an alleyway and this girl found me. She brought me to an AA meeting and I’ve been going ever since.” She looked away again. “That was five years ago.”

  A heavy feeling fell into the pit of my gut over her confession. “You should have called me.”

  Hope frowned. “What do you mean, I should have called you?”

  “I mean, I would have gone with you,” I offered gently.

  “You are the first one to say you don’t need help. That you’re not addicted to alcohol and drugs. At least I knew I had a problem. I still have a problem. I think about drinking every damn day and I can’t do anything about it,” the words flowed effortlessly from her mouth, an underlining bite of contempt filling her voice.

  “What’s your problem? I’m saying I would have joined you. We could have gotten help together.”

  She shoved roughly out of my grip and rose to her feet. “Don’t patronize me, Xander,” she said, storming back to Caiden’s house.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I grabbed her arm, spinning her towards me. “What is this? Why are you acting this way?” I should have been the one upset and yelling and accusing her of shit. Why the hell was it the other way around?

  She laughed, a cold maniacal sound leaving her lips. “I never should have come back.”

  My eyes widened. “What the fuck, Hope?” I cupped her nape, crashing my lips to hers before she could protest.

  Her body melted into mine, her arms wrapping around my neck. She pushed her chest against mine, her nipples pebbling under the touch.

  I swallowed her moan and deepened the kiss, needing to show her coming back was meant to be. Fisting my hand in her hair, I pulled her head back, giving me better access to her delicious mouth. Inhaling her sweet scent, I breathed it down into my lungs. If I could live off of her, I would. She was my drug. The fix I needed. I was a junkie and I craved her. Cupping her ass, I pulled her tight against me, molding myself against her soft form.

  Hope’s body fit perfectly against mine. Where she was soft, I was hard.

  “Xander,” she breathed, scratching her nails into my shoulders.

  Picking her up, I wrapped her legs around my waist and carried her to a shady spot in the field. Trees surrounded us and when I laid her gently on the ground, I released her.

  She stared up at me, her eyes dark with lust, her lips pink and swollen from my rough kiss. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you to the point I can’t control what I say or do.”

  “It’s fucking toxic,” I finished for her.

  She nodded, fresh tears welling in her eyes. “So what do we do?” she asked, her voice cracking.

  “I loved you as a kid, but now? I need you more than I need my next breath,” I said, brushing my thumb over her swollen mouth.

  “What I feel for you scares me.” She cupped my cheek.

  “Being with you after all of these years…” My breath caught. “I…” I trailed my fingers down her jaw and kissed her softly on the mouth.

  “I know,” she said, softly.

  I didn’t know what was going on or what had changed. We fought. We argued. We were both so indecisive.

  “Xander?”

  I glanced down at her.

  “Kiss me. Please…let me feel.”

  Brushing my mouth along hers, I licked between her lips, swallowing her breath. I poured everything I felt for her into that kiss. It was nothing like before. This time, it was pure. Raw. Real.

  We made out under the clouds, in the thick of the woods. Nature surrounded us. No walls. No bedroom. No nothing. Stripped bare until all we felt was the love we had for each other. It was so deep and powerful, we were terrified it would ruin us before bringing us close together.

  A love so strong, turning dark and possessive, bordering on obsession.

  ***

  “Xander?”

  I sat up abruptly at the female voice and found Shana standing a few feet away from us. Rubbing the grit out of my eyes, I glanced down at Hope who had curled onto her side, sleeping soundly in the grass.

  “Hi,” I said, my voice rough from sleep.

  “Everything okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrugged. “How long have you been standing there?”

  “I just got here. I was walking to your friend’s house to remind you about my recital tonight but then I found you here. Is that Hope?” she asked, nodding towards us.

  “Yes.” I looked down at Hope, brushing her curls off of her forehead.

  She sighed, pushing back against me and remained sleeping.

  “You guys make up?” Shana asked, sitting on the grass in front of me.

  “We still have some shit to work through,” I grumbled, leaning back on my elbows.

  “You should bring her tonight too,” Shana suggested, her eyes brightening.

  “What about Caiden?” I lifted Hope’s head, resting it in my lap and rubbed circles on her back.

  She stirred, meeting my gaze and yawned. “Who are you talking to?”

  “Hope, meet Shana Chase,” I nodded towards Shana.

  Hope looked behind her and sat up. “Hi.” She yawned again and held out her hand. “It’s n
ice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too. I’ve heard so much about you,” Shana said, returning the handshake.

  “Oh?” Hope glanced at me. “What have you been told?”

  “How much Xander loves you but that things have been difficult.” Shana shrugged. “I hope everything works out for you.”

  “How old are you?” Hope asked, leaning against my chest.

  “Fourteen.”

  “How did you two meet?” Hope grabbed my arm, curling it around her waist and stifled another yawn.

  Shana told her about our several run-ins and about me being miserable. Hope laughed every so often at Shana’s description of me being moody and face planting several times during my runs.

  Hearing her laugh, even though it was at my expense, made me happy.

  “So where are we going tonight?” Hope asked, leaning forward.

  “It’s Shana’s recital. That’s what I was trying to tell you and Caiden earlier.” Before it blew up into a fight.

  “It’s a date.”

  Hope

  FINALLY TELLING Xander the real reason why I had left him all of those years ago took a huge weight off of my chest. It felt so good to not hold any secrets between us. But the kiss in the field…even though it was just a kiss, it spoke more words than we could ever say. It left us open, vulnerable, stripped bare of all emotion as we laid our feelings on the line through that small touch.

  We walked hand-in-hand back to Caiden’s place, silence falling between us. When we reached his house, I frowned. Embree’s tiny blue car sat in the driveway.

  Xander stiffened beside me, pausing in his steps when she slid out of the vehicle.

  She raised her hand to wave when she glanced at me but her face fell.

  My heart started racing, confusion settling deep inside of me. “Xander, do you know her?”

  “Yeah. Do you?”

  I looked between them as Embree came towards us. “She’s the woman who found me in the alley I was telling you about.”

  Xander’s eyes widened. “She brought you to the AA meetings?”