From Within

by J. M. Walker

  Caiden was now undergoing some tests but no one would give us any damn information.

  The control slipped through my fingers, making me want to dive into the bottom of a bottle that much more.

  “Are you here for Caiden Yeo?”

  I looked up at an older man dressed in white, a stethoscope wrapped around his neck.

  “Yes, we are,” Hope answered for us, gripping my hand tight in hers.

  “Caiden is resting. We have to run some more tests before we can find out what exactly is going on,” the doctor said gently.

  “Can we see him?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

  “Why don’t we come back tomorrow,” Hope suggested, rising to her feet.

  “No,” I insisted. “Please. I don’t care if he’s sleeping. Let me see him.”

  The doctor nodded. “Come with me.”

  “Xander, do you want me to wait for you here?” Hope asked, chewing her bottom lip.

  “No. Please come with me. I…” I kissed her forehead. “I need your strength.”

  She nodded, holding my hand tight.

  We followed the doctor to a private room. He motioned for us to enter and closed the door quietly behind us.

  Caiden was lying in bed, his large body wrapped under a white blanket. His olive skin was pale, his jet black hair mussed. He turned to us, his dark eyes sad.

  “Caiden,” I whispered, heading towards him.

  “Hey.” He sat up, coughing several times before letting out a deep sigh. “Sorry for scaring you.”

  “You have no idea.” I sat in the metal chair beside his bed. “Do you know what’s going on?”

  Caiden glanced at Hope before looking back at me. “Yes.”

  My heart raced when he didn’t continue and I looked back and forth between them. “Don’t…” I rose to my feet, pushing the chair back abruptly. “She knows.”

  Caiden nodded.

  “Xander,” Hope said, reaching out for me.

  “No!” I snapped. “Fuck this. You…I can’t deal with this shit again. Why haven’t you told me that something’s wrong? Why do you feel the need to keep this from me?” I demanded from the both of them. Secrets. Lies. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I couldn’t control the urge to rip into them, begging for their mercy and the truth.

  “I’m sorry,” Caiden said, sitting up higher in bed. “I asked her to keep this to herself. If you need to blame anyone, blame me. I will tell you more when I know but right now, you need to go home and take care of yourself. Go home, Zee.”

  I shook my head. “No. Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.”

  “I had cancer,” Caiden blurted.

  I blinked a couple of times, my brain not processing what I heard. Cancer. That horrible C-word destroyed millions of families. “Cancer.”

  Caiden nodded, letting out a heavy sigh. His shoulders slumped. “I fought it once. It’s that time of year. It’s probably the flu.”

  “You…why didn’t you tell me?” I slumped back down in the chair, grabbing his hand.

  “Because you have enough shit going on in that head of yours. I didn’t need to add my problems to the mix.”

  “But your problems are my problems,” I said, reaching out for Hope in the process.

  She slid onto my lap, covering our joined hands with hers.

  “I love you both,” Caiden said softly.

  “Don’t,” I pleaded. “Please don’t.” My chest constricted and I leaned my head against Hope’s back. I couldn’t…not like this. Please, God. Not like this.

  “Go home. I’m fine. I’ll be home before you know it.” Caiden swallowed hard. “Please. It’ll give me something to look forward to, knowing you both are there waiting for me. Besides, I have to introduce you to my girl.”

  ***

  (Hope)

  The drive home was long and silent. The air crackled and fizzled around us with built up tension. I was waiting for Xander to explode over me not telling him about Caiden’s illness but when he hadn’t, it set my nerves on edge. It would only be a matter of time before Xander laid into me.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  And there it was. I slipped out of the vehicle, slowly trudging up the steps to the house. “Because I made a promise to a friend and it wasn’t my secret to tell.” I turned back around when another vehicle came up the driveway.

  Xander walked up to the car when the driver handed him a package. He slipped something into his hand and turned to me as the vehicle backed out of the driveway.

  “What is that?” I asked, pointing to the item in his hand.

  “It’s not drugs, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Xander said, pulling a bottle from the bag. The golden liquid swirled inside the glass bottle.

  My mouth watered, itching for a taste of the amber bliss. “Xander,” I breathed.

  “You want some of this, baby?” he asked, holding it between us.

  “You…you know I can’t,” I said, not taking my eyes off the item in his hand.

  “Well I can and I’m going to.” Xander pushed open the door, walking past me. “Caiden having cancer is funny to me.”

  “Excuse me? How the hell is it funny?” I slammed the door shut, placing my hands on my hips.

  “Because he’s such a good guy. It proves no matter how good of a person you are, life fucking sucks.” Xander ripped open the lid and threw it on the kitchen counter. Tilting the bottle towards his lips, he took a long drawn out swig. “Fuck me, that tastes good.” He coughed, wiping his lips.

  At that point, I lost it. I ground my teeth, my muscles quivering. “Does it taste as good as me?” I yelled, pointing at him. “You said I was the only thing you wanted from now on. No alcohol. No drugs.”

  “That was before I found out my best friend had cancer and my girlfriend never told me!” he shouted, taking another swig from the bottle.

  I charged at him, pulling the bottle from his grip and ran to the sink. I refused to let him drown himself in the evil of that bottle.

  “Give it back to me.” He grabbed me around the waist, reaching for the bottle.

  I stomped on his foot, shoving out of his grip. “I won’t let you drown in tequila. Use me. Take out your anger on me,” I screamed. “But don’t you dare give in. Please. God, Xander, don’t give in.”

  Xander hooked an arm around my middle, lifting me over his shoulder and grabbed the bottle out of my hand. “I already gave in the moment you stepped back into my life.”

  “Put me down.” I beat my fists against his back, struggling out of his tight hold.

  He threw me on the couch, took another gulp of the gold liquid and crashed his lips to mine.

  The sweet scent of the alcohol wafted into my nose when liquid poured into my mouth. It burned my throat, heating my belly as I swallowed. “You fucking asshole.” I shoved him off of me, coughing. “I haven’t had a drink in five years and you forced it down my throat.”

  He smirked, sitting back on the couch. His eyes were glassy, no doubt already drunk as he continued downing the contents of the bottle. “Cancer. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. It’s all the same.” He shrugged. “Eventually, one of them will kill us.” His words were slurred. He didn’t make any sense. None at all.

  “I can’t believe you did that.” I wanted more. Thanks to the man I loved, I wanted to give into the powerful seduction of the bottle in his hands and ride that high with him.

  Fuck it.

  Throwing myself into his arms, I took the bottle from him and brought it up to my mouth. Ignoring the voice in my head screaming, five years, I gulped down the burning liquid.

  “That’s right, baby. If I’m going to lose this battle, so are you.” Xander tilted the bottle, forcing more of the liquid down my throat.

  My head spun, my stomach reeling. The room swayed, my vision fading in and out. A warm tongue licked up my jaw, cleaning up the drops that had spilled out of the corner of my lips.

  “So fucking good.” Xander lifted me in his arms,
carrying me to his bathroom. Laying me in the tub, he crawled in with me and knelt between my legs. With both hands, he cupped the vee in my shirt and ripped it in half.

  I arched under him, pushing my chest into his hands.

  He grabbed the bottle and poured the liquid onto my torso before lapping it up with his tongue. “Open, baby,” he said, bringing the bottle up to my lips.

  I swallowed some of the liquid before he replaced it with his mouth. Kissing him like never before, it bordered on rough.

  His hands pulled at my body, digging into the flesh of my muscles. Ripping into my hair, he tugged my head back, swallowing my cry of surprise.

  We were high with the need for each other and drunk off of the tequila we consumed. Everything mixed as one. My thoughts. My feelings. My actions. I couldn’t control anything as my drunken body took over.

  My vision faded in and out. Every so often, I would get snippets of what was happening. I couldn’t focus. Grunts. Screams. Whimpers and purrs of pleasure erupted through the room, bouncing off the walls.

  Eventually, Xander had me bent over the tub, covered in his scent and the tequila. In a crazed lust of alcohol and passion, his thrusts turned violent, ripping into me with a powerful force I craved.

  I didn’t know how long it lasted. I could only imagine we continued into the night, taking out our pain and frustration on each other, allowing the tequila to be the one to fully take control.

  Xander

  THE NEXT morning I woke sore and stiff in places I never even knew existed. Muscles hurt that I’ve never used before. Even my hair hurt. Fuck. What the hell happened?

  Opening my eyes, I squinted, breathing through the onset of a headache and swallowed past the impending nausea.

  A soft body was wrapped around mine. Hope. Alright. Well that was a good start. Looking around the room, I realized we were in the tub. “Hope,” I said, my voice hoarse.

  She stirred, groaning and sat up. “Holy shit. Who drove a stake through my head?”

  I chuckled and pinched her chin. “Hey, beautiful girl.”

  “Hi,” she breathed, her voice coming out husky.

  Our eyes locked and that was when I saw them. Bruises. Red marks. Bile rose to my throat. Her clothes were ripped, hanging off of her in shreds. “Hope,” I gasped.

  She followed my gaze, her jaw dropping. “Oh my.”

  “I’m…I’m so sorry,” I said.

  “Don’t…” Her gaze snapped to mine. “Oh God. You made me drink.”

  My eyes widened. “What? I did?” Memories of me drinking the tequila, kissing her and then pouring the liquid into her mouth invaded my mind. “I…I’m…” I stuttered. I couldn’t form the words. She was a recovering alcoholic and because of me, I set her back. What kind of man was I?

  She rose from my lap and stepped out of the tub. Her back was rigged as she stripped completely of the tattered clothes. Stepping into the shower, she turned on the water but not before I heard the soft crying.

  Pulling myself from the tub, I took off my clothes, sticky from sweat, alcohol and us. Heavy guilt settled on my back as I joined Hope in the shower.

  Her shoulders shook, the scalding hot water turning her skin pink.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said finally, wanting to touch her but kept my distance.

  “Five years, Xander. Five years since I had a drink.” She looked at me over her shoulder, her eyes cold. “I’m not like you. I don’t have control over the alcohol I drink. That’s why…” Her breath hitched. “When I lost the baby, I became depressed. So many times I had picked up the phone to call you. I needed you. And last night, I needed you more and yet you threw my need in my face.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice low. It was all I could say. I didn’t know how to make it up to her. What more could I do? I had done enough already.

  “You may say you’re sorry but…” She shook her head. “I understand you’re mad I never told you about Caiden. But if he told you to keep something to yourself, would you?”

  “Yes,” I said without hesitation.

  “Exactly. I was helping out a friend. I know how much you mean to him and him to you…I didn’t want to do anything to rupture that bond.” Her chin quivered. “I’m going to leave, give you guys some time.”

  “No!” I fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around her legs. “Please. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “I can’t…I can’t keep doing this.” She pulled out of my grip and knelt in front of me. “If you loved me—”

  “I do love you!” I shouted, pounding my fist against the tiled wall. Sharp pain shot up my arm but I ignored it. “I love you more than life itself. I worship the fucking ground you walk on.”

  “Xander, we need some time a part or something. Look at us.”

  I crushed my mouth to hers, pulling her into my arms.

  She moaned but pushed against me. “Stop. We can’t keep doing this. If you loved me, you never would have forced the alcohol down my throat.”

  “I was drunk!” I insisted. “I never would have done that sober.”

  “Exactly!” she screamed. “Now you know why you can’t drink.”

  Realization dawned on me, punching me hard in the gut. “I…”

  “That’s what Caiden has been trying to tell you. This is why I don’t drink anymore. I lost a part of myself when I lost the baby but I know if that baby would have been yours, it would have killed me.”

  “I wish I could have been there,” I said, rubbing my face in the crook of her neck. “What can I do to make you stay? Please, I’m begging you. Tell me.”

  She cupped my cheeks and placed a hard peck on my lips. “Let me go.”

  “No. I refuse. I won’t ever let you go.” I gripped her tight, holding her against me.

  “Then love me. Help me. Be with me. But before you can, you need to help yourself, Xander.”

  “Tell me how. Please,” I begged, running my hands up her back.

  “I—”

  A hard knock sounded on the bathroom door, interrupting us.

  “One minute,” I called out, frowning.

  “Is that Caiden?” she asked, turning off the water.

  “I assume it is.” I wrapped a towel around my waist, made sure she was decent and opened the door.

  Caiden stood there in front of me, a smile on his face. “Hi.”

  My eyes widened. Shaking my head, I pulled him in for an embrace. “Hi? That’s all you have to say? Why the hell are you out of the hospital?”

  He chuckled, returning my hug. “They let me go but I have to be back next week for more tests and if something like last night happens again, I have to be back sooner. Do you have any idea what time it is?” His head peaked around me. “What the hell were you guys doing last night?”

  “Nothing we can’t work through,” Hope said, wrapping her arms around his middle.

  I prayed she was right.

  “Well get dressed and meet me in the living room. I want you to meet someone.” Caiden left the room.

  “Hope,” I said, slipping on blue jeans and a white t-shirt.

  She didn’t answer and pulled on a white bra and panty set. She reached around behind her to clasp the ends together on the bra when I stopped her. Her back stiffened but she let out a sigh. “Don’t pressure me.”

  I clasped the bra closed, letting my fingers brush over her smooth skin. “I won’t.” I turned her in my arms and kissed her hair. “I love you. I’m an asshole and a dick. I can never expect you to forgive me for what I did last night,” I pinched her chin, kissing the salty tears falling freely down her cheeks. “But please know I will do everything in my fucking power to earn your love back. I will make you trust me again. If I have to spend my every breath, telling you over and over how sorry I am, I will.”

  “Xander,” her voice wavered.

  “I mean it, Hope. There is no excuse for what I did last night. No excuse. No matter what happens, I shouldn’t have done that to you. I shouldn’t have f
orced you to drink. I am sorry.”

  She nodded and stepped out of my embrace. Pulling on black tights and my grey zip up hoodie, she sighed.

  My blood stirred at seeing her in my clothes. Gripping her shoulders, I kissed the side of her neck. “Do you hurt?”

  “It’s a nice pain,” she said, her cheeks reddening. “I can feel you every time I move.”

  My dick twitched. Clearing my throat, I kissed her forehead. “Good.”

  The corners of her lips tugged into a smile but she didn’t say anything. She grabbed my hand and kissed my fingers. “These fingers,” she grabbed my other hand. “These hands have done so much hurting.” Her voice wavered, her eyes filling with unshed tears when she looked at me.

  “I…” I swallowed hard. “I can’t control it.” I realized then it was the truth. I had a good childhood. I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t shit on by my parents. But when they died and Hope left me, my world was ripped apart. The bellows of Hell opened up and sucked me in, forcing me to my knees and giving into the submission I didn’t have control of.

  Hope placed light pecks on my knuckles, her thumb brushing back and forth over the rough and calloused skin. “I’ve never stopped loving you. I would go to bed each and every night, praying I would wake up next you. That it would all be some horrible nightmare.”

  Not knowing what else to say, I pulled her into my arms and whispered over and over how much I loved her.

  Her back stiffened and she pulled out of my grip. Grabbing my hand, she led us to the living room.

  Not knowing what happened, I allowed her to guide me, to be my strength, to be that light in the tunnel I needed. After everything I had put her through, she still hung on. She latched onto me like I was her…everything.

  Once we reached the living room, I stopped in my tracks when I saw a small woman sitting on the couch beside Caiden. She was talking quietly to him, looking up at him with a gentle love in her deep blue gaze. She was pale in comparison to his olive skin tone. Her long straight honey blonde hair shone in the dim lighting of the late afternoon sun. Her gaze landed on us. She looked to Caiden. He nodded once and she rose to her feet.