From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “Caiden.” Bee came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She had driven us back to her place, the trip filled with unnerving silence. “Use me. Please. But don’t you dare fall into yourself.”

  I spun on her and wrapped a hand around her throat.

  Her eyes widened. “Please,” she whispered.

  Backing her up until she hit the wall, I caressed a hand down her face. “I need you.”

  She nodded.

  For the rest of the night, I had made her mine. Marking her from within. Claiming her with the rough touch of my hands, my mouth. Every single inch of me.

  She had given me all of her. Her mind. Body. And soul.

  And that was when I fell in love with her.

  ***

  (Hope)

  The next morning I woke up on the floor. Wrapped in sheets and Xander, I kept my arms around him, holding him against me as I listened to the sound of his breathing. Grazing my fingers up and down his back, I smiled as he shivered every so often. His cock bobbed against my hip, swelling from me not even touching him.

  “I will fuck you hard and not be sorry in the least if I make you sore,” he said, his voice raspy. He looked up at me and placed a soft kiss on my lips.

  I smiled, brushing my hand down his cheek. “I will take you whatever way you want to have me.” I kissed his chin. “But I’m already sore.”

  A smug grin formed on his lips when he pulled the covers off of me. His eyes inched down my body, taking me in.

  I was self-conscious about my curves but the way he looked at me like he wanted to eat me alive, I got over that little fear. “I love the way you look at me,” I blurted, my cheeks heating at my little outburst.

  His eyes shot to mine. “I love the way you see me.”

  The mood quickly changed, going from light to heavy in the matter of a couple seconds. He hadn’t called Caiden since he left, spending the rest of the night doing exactly what he had promised to do. My body ached, my muscles sore and twitchy but if I made Xander feel somewhat better, I would give him every single inch of me a hundred times over.

  “Xander,” I said gently.

  He cleared his throat and sat up, scrubbing a hand over his shaved head. “I don’t know what to do about Caiden. I don’t want to hurt him but I love you too much to…”

  “To what?” I asked, sitting up behind him.

  Xander placed his arm over my lap, leaning his head against the side of the bed.

  “Did the kiss confuse you?” As much as I didn’t want to hear the answer, Xander needed to talk about it.

  “I…I’m not sure. If it was anyone else, I probably would have shrugged it off.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “If some random guy came up to you and kissed you, you would shrug it off?”

  He huffed. “I don’t know,” he snapped. “What I’m saying is because it was Caiden who kissed me when I know how he feels about me, it fucked with my head. I don’t feel that way towards him. I don’t. I have no issues with anyone who wants to be with the same sex or whatever. I’m not homophobic in any way but I felt like he kissed me to piss me off, not because he wanted to.”

  “I’m sure he did want to kiss you. He did it because he thought it could change your heart,” I offered, shrugging.

  Xander searched my face. “Do you think that?”

  “No, but…” I chewed my bottom lip, thinking over my words carefully before Xander and I got in a fight as well. “I would step aside—”

  “No!” he shouted. He grabbed my arms, pulling me towards him. “Don’t you dare say that. Ever. Promise me.”

  “Okay. Okay.” I cupped his cheeks. “I’m sorry. All I’m saying is, I want you to be happy. If it meant being with him, as much as it would destroy me, I would step aside for you. I love you both too much to be in the middle of…whatever this is.”

  “No,” he whispered into my hair. “I would spend the rest of my life alone first.”

  “You can’t say that.” I sat back. “Caiden would be good for you.”

  His jaw hardened. He brushed the back of his knuckles down the center of my body before gripping my hip. Although we were both naked, it wasn’t sexual in the least. “It’s dangerous.”

  I scoffed. “Please. Like our relationship isn’t? It’s toxic.” I pushed a finger into his chest. “You have said that over and over again.”

  “That’s different,” he muttered, grazing his hands down my back.

  “How? How is it different, Xander? We take one step forward, everything is fine and then something happens, setting us back. We’re both addicted to something that will eventually kill us if we’re not careful.” I inhaled a shaky breath. “I’m not strong enough to fight my addiction.”

  “Yes. You are.” His hold on me tightened. “You fought it for five years—”

  “Yes, but then one night with you and all that hard work blew up in my face,” I cried, dropping my head in my hands.

  “Are you blaming me?” When I didn’t answer he tugged my head back. “Are you blaming me?” he repeated slowly.

  “Yes,” I blurted. “I can’t help but blame you. I want you so much. I love you more than I should. This…this thing I feel for you isn’t normal.”

  “Yes, it is. It’s perfectly normal.”

  “Is it? I’m addicted to you. I can’t get enough. Every time I’m not with you, it hurts. I get this tightness in my chest…it’s a physical pain…I…I can’t…” My breaths started coming out in quick bursts, tears filling my eyes.

  Xander wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight against him. “I know,” he whispered.

  “It hurts. Being with you hurts but being without you hurts more.” A sob escaped me. No more words were said as we held each other. I didn’t know if you could love someone too much but what I felt for Xander, what I had always felt for him, was worse than the alcohol I was addicted to. He was right. I was strong enough to fight it. But when it came to Xander, I was weak. And I would give in every single time.

  Xander

  BEING WITH Hope would eventually destroy me. Her taste. Her dewy skin. Her peaches and cream scent. I didn’t know if it was possible to love someone too much but with her, it bordered on pure and utter obsession. I couldn’t go on with my day without thinking about her. I couldn’t eat. Sleep. Every time I had a shower, I touched myself. I woke up hard, full and throbbing for her warmth. She was the only thing that could satisfy me and even then, it wasn’t enough. I lost control when it came to Hope Charming. She knew it. She never admitted it but I knew she enjoyed the control I gave her.

  It had been a week since Caiden kissed me. And a week since he left us alone at his house. Hope called him every so often but I refused to talk to him. I was scared. I was man enough to admit it. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend but I also didn’t want to confront the fact I enjoyed the kiss. It was nothing like what I shared with Hope and it never would be, but it was nice. Desperate but…nice. It was something that had to be done even though nothing would come of it. It was meant to be, a final goodbye and that thought ripped me apart.

  “You have to talk to him,” Hope said, interrupting my thoughts.

  I slammed my fist against the heavy weight swinging from the ceiling in front of me. “He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

  “Yes, he does but he’s waiting for you. He’s giving you control, Xander,” she said softly.

  Control. Were any of us ever truly in control? Of life. Our jobs. Our own damn personality. Everyone you come across has some impact on you. So this shit about being in control or giving it up, it didn’t fit. It didn’t work.

  My fists continued ringing blows on the punching bag, sharp pain shooting up my arms each time. If he wanted to talk to me, he could come to me. But I wasn’t making the first move.

  “He loves you.”

  “I know!” I yelled, spinning on her.

  Hope lifted her chin defiantly, crossing her arms under her chest.

  “And I love him,” I con
tinued. “But I love you more. I can’t love him the way he needs. He knows that.”

  “Does he? Have you actually talked without yelling at each other? No. Because both of you are too pigheaded and you let your alpha males come out.” She grabbed my hand and slapped a cell phone in it. “Call him.”

  “No need.”

  My gaze snapped up at the deep voice coming from the doorway. Caiden leaned against the frame, his arms crossed under his chest. “Hope? Can you give us a little bit?”

  She nodded. “I have to call Embree anyways.” She gave my hand a light squeeze, her eyes filling with warmth.

  A cold draft washed over my skin when she let me go. Her touch was always my safety net. It kept me grounded. Made me feel somewhat normal. My parents would be so ashamed of me. Letting the bottom of a bottle control me in ways I never would have imagined. But if they were still alive, I would never need to drown myself. God, I missed them. I missed them so much. More and more each day. People told me it would get easier. But it hadn’t. And it probably never would.

  “We need to talk,” Caiden said, closing the door behind him.

  “I know.” I brushed my hand over my shaved head. “Listen, I’m sorry for punching you. I—”

  “I don’t want to talk about that.” Caiden closed the distance between us and cupped the back of my neck. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something I haven’t told anyone.”

  My eyes searched his face. His scars were more pronounced, the purple hue in his gaze no longer filled with life but utter defeat. My heart skipped a beat. “What’s wrong?”

  “The cancer…” He swallowed hard. “It’s back and there’s nothing they can do.”

  “What…what does this mean?” I asked, staring intently into his eyes. I knew exactly what it had meant but I needed to hear him say it. I needed to know that my ears weren’t playing tricks on me although I wished they were.

  He looked away. “It means it’s only a matter of time.”

  The air left my lungs on a suffocating whoosh. I gripped my chest, gasping for breath as the words sunk in. “No…it’s not possible. You’re strong. You can fight this. You have to fight this. Please. For me.”

  Caiden gripped my neck, squeezing his fingers into my flesh. “I can’t fight this. Once it’s at the level where it’s at now, there’s nothing they can do.”

  “No! Get a second opinion. Get…no…please.” My lungs burned as I struggled to breathe.

  “Xander,” he said, his voice firm.

  “You can’t leave me. I won’t let you.” Before I knew what I was doing, I crushed my lips to his.

  He gasped into my mouth, momentarily surprised before he took full control. He pushed me back, deepening the kiss and scratched his fingers into my nape. “Xander,” he said, breathing heavy and released me.

  I reached for him again but he stopped me.

  “Stop,” he held me at arm’s length and shook his head. “You don’t want this.”

  “I…I do.” I gripped his wrists, licking my kiss swollen lips. I was willing to do anything. I needed some sort of connection with him. It didn’t make sense but a part of me felt that if I was with him, he would stay. I was losing my ever-loving mind. The thought of losing my best friend to the evilness of cancer tore at my soul and made me act out in a fit of desperation.

  Caiden smiled sadly. “No. You don’t. It would be cheating on Hope.”

  A lump burned in my throat. “I want…I want you here. Forever.”

  “Having sex with me will not save me,” he said softly.

  At that point I fell to my knees submitting to the wrath of the unexpected. Caiden was strong. He was the strongest person I knew. But even then, the strongest person could lose in the end. “I would give you my last breath if it meant saving you.”

  He let out a sigh and knelt in front of me. “I’ve been battling this disease for years. I should have told you sooner. I am sorry. I thought I could control it like I control everything else. But I was wrong. I’m so sorry, Xander. Please forgive me.”

  My head snapped up. “Forgive you? Of course I forgive you. How could you…God, Caiden. I wish you would have told me. I could have supported you. I could have been there with you during all of your appointments. I…” My eyes filled with unshed tears. He was still here, still in front of me but I felt like I was losing him already. A life without Caiden Yeo, my best friend, a part of me would forever be filled because of him. It was the ultimate destruction. Not alcohol. Not drugs. The loss of my best friend would be the true destroyer.

  “Stop thinking. Whatever is going on inside of that head of yours, stop it.” He cupped my cheek and kissed my forehead. “I’m not gone yet.”

  A sob escaped me and I threw my arms around him. Bone crushing cries wracked through my body as tears flowed down my cheeks.

  Caiden held me tight, crying along with me.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I whispered eventually, wiping the tears from under my eyes.

  He leaned his forehead against mine and ran his hands up and down my arms. “When I go, you’ll be ready. As hard as it will be for all of you, you will come out strongest in the end.”

  I wanted to argue and scream and shout that he was wrong. I was not strong at all. There was no way I would be able to handle him dying on me but a light knock on the door stopped me from lashing out. It was probably a good thing. Too many hurtful words had been said already.

  “Guys?” Hope peeked her head into the room. “Bee is here, Caiden.”

  “Thank you.” Caiden rose to his feet and held out a hand, helping me up. “Remember what I told you.”

  I nodded, fighting back unshed tears that threatened to escape. Again.

  In a solemn like daze, I followed Caiden out into the living room where he greeted Bee with a hug and a soft peck on the lips.

  She smiled up at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and snuggled into his touch.

  My stomach burned with anxiety and I walked into the kitchen instead. Taking a deep breath, I started pacing back and forth. Never needing a drink more than at that moment, I slid to the ground, circling my arms around my bent knees. Control it, Xander. You got this. I chanted to myself over and over but I didn’t have this. I didn’t have anything. No control. No urge to move forward. I felt stuck in time. Stuck in this depressed like state where the only thing that would cure me and bring me out of this funk was diving into the pits of a bottle or smoking the shit out of a joint. My mouth watered. Grabbing my phone out of my pants pocket, I quickly sent Lee a text. When he replied he would be over in less than five, my heart sped up. My palms became sweaty, a laugh escaping my lips.

  “Xander?” Hope came into the kitchen, frowning when she saw me sitting on the floor. “Everything okay?”

  I grinned. “It will be.”

  ***

  (Hope)

  After I finally approached Embree, even though it was only over the phone, I felt like a weight had been lifted. She and I had been friends for years. We weren’t as close as I would have liked but that was my doing. I was guarded, only ever wanting to let Xander in and even then, I found it difficult to truly open up. I was working on it. I had to. For him and for me. But he needed to give as much as I did.

  But as I watched Xander pace back and forth in front of me, I realized there was more to life than this. One moment we were happy. The next, something set him off and we would be back to the beginning. It was constantly a game of Tug of War.

  His big body shook, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. His eyes kept darting to the front door, like he was waiting for something or someone to show up.

  “Xander?” I said, tentatively, taking a step towards him. “Are you okay?”

  His phone buzzed. He quickly checked it, a sigh leaving his lips as his gaze slid over the words staring up at him from the small screen. In an abrupt move, he shoved the phone back into his pocket and grabbed my hand. He kissed my knuckles. “I’m sorry,” he said so softly, I alm
ost didn’t hear him.

  “Sorry? Sorry for what? Xander, what’s going on?” I asked as he pulled from my grip.

  He ran out of the house as Caiden and Bee came out of the kitchen. Hand-in-hand, Caiden held onto her tight. My heart skipped a beat at seeing him with her. Knowing how he felt about Xander, it was odd to see him with someone else. Much less someone who knew about his feelings.

  “What’s wrong, Hope?” Caiden wrapped his arm around Bee’s tiny frame, leaning on her for support.

  “I’m not sure.” I didn’t know what he and Xander had talked about. It wasn’t my place to pry but when they came out of the gym, their eyes were red and bloodshot, their bodies stiff and broken. I would always remember the look Xander had given me and the feel of his lips on mine when he kissed me. He claimed me with a touch. He had also asked me again if I could taste Caiden. I never would have thought they kissed again if Xander never would have said anything. But the taste of the spicy smoke on his lips made my stomach twist and turn with unease.

  “Hope, are you sure you’re okay?” Caiden asked softly.

  My gaze slowly slid to Caiden’s. I put on a brave face. He had been through enough and if my gut was right, he was still going through some crap. His cheeks were sunken in, his scars more pink and pronounced. I felt my feet move of their own accord and I didn’t know what I was doing until I had my arms wrapped around his waist. “I’ll help him. In any way I can.”

  Caiden kissed my hair and leaned his forehead against mine. “Please be patient with him. He needs you now more than ever.”

  “What’s going on?” My stomach gave a nervous flutter.

  “I’ll tell you later.” He yawned.

  “You need some rest,” Bee said, squeezing my arm gently.

  Caiden nodded and hugged me again. “I promise we will talk later.”

  “Okay,” I said and watched them disappear down the stairs, the basement door quietly shutting behind him. How Bee did it was beyond me. I didn’t know her. I hardly knew anything about her at all but there she was, a woman who cared for a man who was in love with another man. Was she jealous? Did it hurt her? She clearly knew about Caiden’s feelings for Xander but she acted like everything was fine. Like everything was normal. Life wasn’t normal. Life was hard and it took a beating every single day to survive it and move on to the next.