From Within

by J. M. Walker

“What do you want from me? We’re losing our best friend. I’m sorry I’m not happy and chipper about his wedding day. I can’t help it.”

  He sighed and grabbed my hand, pulling me into the bathroom. Much to my dismay, he started undressing me.

  “What are you doing? This is not the right time to have sex,” I said, slapping his hands away.

  Xander held my wrists, backing me against the door. “As much as I love fucking the shit out of your beautiful body, right now, you need to relax. We both do. We have to be strong. For Caiden and Bee. She’s going to lose her husband. We don’t know when. It could be tonight. Tomorrow. Next fucking year. But I can’t do this alone. I need you to be strong with me, Hope. I can’t do this…I can’t…I need you.”

  All I could do was nod as the words poured from his mouth. Words I had wanted to hear in so long. How he felt. I wasn’t that type of girl that demanded to know exactly what my man was thinking but our problem was that my man didn’t talk at all about his feelings. He kept them bottled up inside until he exploded and I was always the brunt of that said explosion.

  I pulled from his grasp and stripped until I was completely bare. Turning on the shower until it was too hot, I stepped under the scorching spray. Soaking my body from head to toe, I waited.

  Xander stepped up behind me, running his hands over my body. Massaging, kneading, giving me what I needed. What we both needed.

  “Talk to me,” he said, brushing a soapy cloth over my skin.

  I swallowed a couple of times, trying to find the words, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say. “I’ve had problems keeping a job,” I blurted. Maybe that wasn’t the thing to start off with but I felt the need to have Xander know every single dirty detail about the ten years I was away.

  “Same here. I was able to save some money but I have it set up that I can’t touch it until I’m thirty.”

  “Well that’s good at least. My…my parents…or my dad I should say, set up a college fund for me when I was a baby but I haven’t touched it. I never went back to school. I never amounted to anything but the thing I don’t regret is coming back. To you.” I turned in his arms. In all of his glorious nakedness, I couldn’t help but let my eyes roam down his hard ripped body. Thick in all of the right places, my heart gave a start.

  A slight smirk spread on his face. He placed a soft peck on my mouth. “I felt lost when you left. I’m a dick and wouldn’t admit it to myself or to anyone but it’s like a part of me left with you. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. But I never should have tried to push you away. I…wish I would have let you in. But I wish more that I would have fought for you in the beginning.”

  “You were a boy.”

  “I knew right from wrong. I was a teenager. I knew I was in love with you but I was so mad, I wanted you to suffer.”

  “You’ve been holding that anger in for the past ten years, baby.” I leaned my forehead against his chest, wrapping my arms around his hard waist.

  “That’s no excuse. I love you. That should have been reason enough to fight for you but yet I pushed you into another man’s arms. And you were pregnant.”

  I grimaced, my throat becoming thick. “You don’t trust me.” I didn’t like the taste of those words but we both knew they were true. He loved me. I knew he did but without trust, there was nothing. We were nothing.

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to.

  Turning back around, I stepped under the water, wishing it could wash away our pain. Tears clouded my vision. Letting them fall freely, a sob escaped my lips when Xander wrapped himself around me.

  I was gone for ten years and came back. I had no problems leaving the first time. As much as it hurt, it was needed. But this time would destroy me. This time it would take something from me I had so desperately been trying to get back. It would take away the part of me that belonged to Xander. My heart. But he really owned everything didn’t he?

  We finished washing each other, not saying anything. No words. No sounds. Xander spoke to me through his body. He took me to bed, drying me off and kissed me. It was slow, tender.

  A goodbye.

  We made love out of a fit of need, trying to find that connection that had worked so well for us. It was there, bordering on the brink of destruction. My heart hurt. My everything ached.

  “I love you, Hope Charming,” he said softly, his words whispering over my skin as he brought us both to that place. That ultimate high that left me breathless and always wanting more. He swallowed my cries, our tears mixing as one.

  This was it.

  The end.

  Of us.

  Xander

  I WOKE the next morning. Alone. The scent of Hope wafted into my nostrils as her smell etched its way into my memory. The sheets and pillow gave off a scent of peaches and cream, the lingering sweet taste of her arousal still on my tongue. But I was alone.

  Knowing it would happen, I shouldn’t be too surprised but a part of me was. A part of me figured she would stay. Was it giving up? Did we love each other too much that we couldn’t be together? So many questions ran through my mind but I didn’t know how to find the answers. I didn’t know how to get any of the information I needed. How did people survive with this hole in their chest? This undying pain that stayed there until it was too late. Until it consumed you completely, letting you know you were never really in control.

  Rising from the bed, I bit back a groan. My muscles tightened, aching for a good stretch. I had spent the night wrapped in Hope, hoping somehow, someway, she would be there when I woke up. But I knew…for some unknown reason I knew this wouldn’t last.

  A soft knock sounded on the door.

  After pulling on my black sweatpants, I answered the door, greeted by a smiling Caiden. He held two cups of coffee, handing me one before stepping to the side.

  I took the steaming cup and followed him out into the hall. A moment of disappointment fluttered through me when I saw Bee seated at the kitchen table. Alone.

  Caiden didn’t say anything as he kissed his wife, standing at her side.

  The silence was annoying, louder than the questions I knew they had but I didn’t have any answers. Hope and my relationship was toxic. It would eventually destroy us. I knew it. She knew it. So it never mattered what anyone else thought. “How was your first night as a married couple?” I leaned against the counter, taking a sip of the much needed caffeine.

  They glanced knowingly at each other before they both came up to me.

  Raising an eyebrow, I asked what they were doing when they pulled me in for a group hug. They told me they were there for me, they would do anything to help and that they would be there.

  I surprised myself when I didn’t cry. I surprised myself when I didn’t push them away. I returned their embrace but other than that, I didn’t do anything else. I never responded to their words of sympathy. I never said Hope should have stayed, she should never have left me. But all of that wouldn’t have been true. I tried telling her to leave me in the beginning but she didn’t listen. She stayed and she helped me through my addiction. But would she come back and help me when Caiden passed? I didn’t want to think about the inevitable. I only wished we knew so we could prepare.

  “I assume you both talked to Hope?” I inquired even though I already knew the answer.

  Bee pulled from the group hug. “Want some breakfast?”

  My stomach rumbled at the thought. Knowing I needed the sustenance, I nodded. Not in the mood to eat or even chat, I wished I could have been alone. To wallow in my own misery. Dive inside of myself and disappear.

  “Hope came to us earlier this morning,” Caiden said, leaning against the counter beside me.

  “What did she tell you?”

  “You both accepted that your relationship is done.” His eyes bored into mine and when I didn’t respond, he continued. “She loves you and I know she’ll wait.”

  I pushed off the counter and grabbed another cup of coffee. It wasn’t the drug I cra
ved but it would have to do. It would have to take the place of that high. The substance abuse I had inflicted on myself for years was nothing compared to the withdrawal I would have from not being with Hope. “I don’t expect her to.”

  “I know but you two have been through so much. You can’t expect things to end like that.”

  “Why not?” He was right but I felt the need to argue anyways. I would never want Hope to wait. As much as it would destroy me, I would let her go.

  “The love you two have goes beyond anything I’ve ever seen.”

  Our love. It hurt. It broke what we had. Love…love sucked.

  “It wasn’t enough.” Without trust, there was nothing and although deep down I knew Hope would never cheat on me again, a part of me didn’t believe her. It was my fault. I pushed her to the other guy. That little voice inside of me told me to let her go and pray she would eventually come back to me. I just didn’t know how long I should wait.

  ***

  (Caiden)

  A part of me felt like I was giving up. Like I had been battling a war for so many years that I became tired and useless, not wanting to fight anymore. I knew my time had come. I knew this was it. But I was terrified. Not of leaving Bee. But of leaving Xander. I tried so hard to make him see that he was worth it. That he was worth everything. Everything happened for a reason. I was a firm believer of that.

  Bee was strong. The strongest woman I had ever met. I loved her. My wife.

  I surprised myself by asking her to marry me. Knowing I was still in love with Xander but couldn’t do anything about it, she said yes anyways. Why would I put her through that? How dare I marry her and then leave. I was a horrible person. Broken in so many ways beyond my control. Those thoughts battled each other in my mind. Forcing them to their knees. Demanding me that I crack.

  I had been thinking about my life over the course of the past couple of hours. My parents. My little brother. I tried so hard to forget them because it hurt too much but the harder I tried to push those thoughts away, the more they consumed me.

  If only I had someone to tell me that it wasn’t my fault. If only I had that one person to tell me that everything would be okay. I hadn’t known Xander and Hope at the time of the fire. I was all alone. In the hospital. No family. It had always just been my parents, my brother and I. No more. No less. Just the four of us.

  It was so hard to move on. To let go. Knowing I was leaving so much behind. But he was ready. Xander would be fine without me. Call me selfish, but I wanted to stay for myself.

  So he could help me.

  I just wanted to hear it once. That it wasn’t my fault. No wonder I was fucked up and in love with my best friend. He was broken. I was shattered.

  My family leaving me at the mistake of my own hands about destroyed me but I pulled through. Me being thrown into foster care was another story. I left as soon as I turned sixteen. The cold ruthless eyes of those men, who were supposed to be caring and father figures wanted one thing and that was it.

  I got out. And I thanked God every damn day I got away in time.

  It had been a week since Hope left. Since her and Xander had broken up. I watched him suffer. I watched him disappear right before my very eyes. The strong man I knew turned into that of a boy being kicked while he was down. But he didn’t give in to the addictions he had. I was proud of him. So fucking proud of my best friend.

  A soft knock sounded on the door. “Caiden?” Hope peeked her head into the room, holding the door slightly ajar.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, taking a couple deep breaths before rising to my full height. “Help me walk down to the basement?”

  She nodded, coming up beside me. She never met my gaze but slipped her arm around my waist. “Where’s Bee?” she asked, her voice thick.

  “I told her to give us a few,” I said, trying my hardest not to lean completely on Hope. Giving up this small ounce of control was enough to wear me out. By the time we got to the basement and I was back in bed, my muscles hurt. My chest ached. And my throat burned. But not because of the disease. It took everything in me not to cry.

  “Does he know?” Hope knelt at my side, holding my hand tight in hers.

  “Not yet. I needed to see you first.”

  “Why?” She looked up at me through tear soaked lashes.

  “I know things are over between you two for the moment.” She opened her mouth to argue but I continued. “But I know that everything will work itself out.”

  “How…” her voice cracked. “How can you possibly know that?”

  “Because I have faith.” And as pissed off as I was at God for taking me away so soon, I understood. I tried to blame him completely but I knew that it wasn’t his fault. The devil had a hand in this madness. Maybe I was losing it. Maybe I was finally gone. My body lying on this bed, empty and lifeless, while my brain went crazy.

  “I love you,” Hope whispered.

  “And I love you.” I let out a contented sigh. “Take care of our boy.”

  They say you see a white light when you’re about to die. They also say that your soul goes to heaven. I didn’t know what I believed. But I did believe that without faith, I would have died long ago. But I felt that I was meant to help Xander and Hope when really, they were the ones that had helped me.

  I was ready. I was done. This was my time.

  And I embraced it with open arms.

  ***

  (Xander)

  I woke up in a cold sweat. A lingering nightmare pulled at my being, cold fingers of fear gripping my spine.

  Hope.

  It had been a week since she left. Seven days since I touched her. One hundred and sixty-eight hours since I felt her. Her warmth. The sweet taste of her breath on my tongue. The hint of desire. The dark look of lust in her eyes as I made love to her body. I would always remember the husky tones of her purrs of pleasure. Her moans as I forced the ecstasy from her.

  Every time I went to call her or text her, I froze. Caiden and Bee would eventually catch me and pull me from my inner battle of should I or shouldn’t I. Depression had begun to set in, eating at my soul, destroying my personality. I didn’t want to live without her. I didn’t want to go from day to day wondering if I would ever see her again. I didn’t want to move on. I didn’t want anything.

  Rising from the bed, I slid my legs over the edge, letting my head drop in my hands. “Hope,” I croaked out. The hole in my chest grew, expanding until it would no doubt consume me.

  In a zombie-like state, I pulled open the drawer in the end table and breathed a sigh of relief when my gaze landed on a rolled up joint. It was all I needed. Sticking one end in my mouth and lighting the other, I watched the glow of the ember as I sucked in a breath. Holding the air deep in my lungs, I waited a moment before exhaling. My skin buzzed, the hairs on my body vibrating.

  Fuck me, that shit is good.

  The drug took over my body, claiming the control it always had. This was where I deserved to be. Hope didn’t want me. I was losing my best friend. I couldn’t even keep a damn job. I was stuck. Drugs and alcohol. They would kill me in the end but at least they wouldn’t leave me.

  A soft knock sounded on the door interrupting my thoughts.

  On shaky legs, I staggered to the door and opened it, revealing a disheveled Bee. “What’s wrong?”

  She chewed her bottom lip, her eyes welling over. Swallowing a couple of times, she took a deep breath. “It’s time.”

  My heart fell to my feet. The next couple of minutes were all a blur. It was like I was having an outer body experience, watching myself push past Bee, run down the stairs to the basement and barge into Caiden’s room.

  He was lying in his bed, pale and thin. Ghostly. Every so often he would grimace as if he were in pain. And that was when it all hit me. Caiden was dying. I was losing my best friend. Who knew how long it would be now? A couple of minutes? Hours?

  “Xander,” he wheezed out, pulling himself higher up onto his pillow.

  I ru
shed to his side and fell to my knees, grabbing his hand in mine. His skin felt clammy. I knew he hadn’t been feeling well but I didn’t think things were taking a turn for the worse already.

  “Xander,” he whispered, running his other hand over my head. “Look at me. Please.”

  Shaking my head, I refused to. It meant it was real if I looked at him.

  “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”

  “Why?” I sobbed. “Why the fuck are you sorry? For leaving me? Is that why?” I yelled, pushing away from him.

  “Yes,” he said calmly. “That is why. That’s always been why. But I know you’re ready. You’re ready to be by yourself. No more noise, Xander. You fought that battle from within. You’re strong.”

  “I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want anything. I want Hope and I want my best friend.” God, I sounded like a whiny child but the demands I had were the truth. Even though they were unreasonable, they were what I always wanted. The only things I needed.

  “I will always be with you and Hope will come back to you. You have to be patient.”

  “I…” My throat became scratchy. The room started spinning around me and before I fell over, I sat on the edge of Caiden’s bed.

  “I don’t want to leave you but I know you’re ready,” Caiden repeated softly, grabbing my hand and pulled me down beside him.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I let the tears fall. I tried breathing past the pain, the emptiness in my chest but the harder I tried, the bigger the hole grew. The ache spread through me, tightening and twisting my bones. It hurt. It hurt so damn much.

  Caiden’s breathing became shallow. “I’m ready.”

  And that was the last thing he said before he died in my arms.

  ***

  “Hi, Xander.”

  My heart jumped as Hope’s voice washed over me through the phone. Allowing myself to let it soak in for a moment before I dampened the mood even more, I waited a beat.

  But she knew. Didn’t she? Her tone was casual, like she had been expecting my call. I guess in a way it made sense. We all knew it was coming. We knew the end was near but we had prayed it wouldn’t happen so soon. But as Caiden said, it happened when the timing was right. Whatever that meant.