Ruined by Shadows

by Lola StVil

  “Or you can pretend the force field is still solid and there’s nothing you can do. No one on the outside will see it shimmering and weakening. You can let her die for you, and you will be free of this place. Your memories will be altered so you forget your past. You will be given happy childhood memories, and you will have no recollection of Atlas or anything that happened. The team will have their memories altered too, and no one will ever know what you did. You will find peace.

  “Eternal damnation in exchange for Atlas’s life, or peace and contentment by letting her die. You have two minutes. Choose.”

  Everything in my life has led me to this moment. This moment where I must make a choice. I could let her do this. I will be freed from the force field and free to move on, maybe even find peace one day. Hell, find peace tomorrow when all of the bad stuff is gone. And it’s not like I’ll even remember what I’ve done. It’ll be a fresh start, a clean slate, one I can paint the life I choose onto.

  Or I can find a way to stop her and save her life, only to have her reject me and cause me far more pain than this place ever could. Eternal, mind-numbing pain that will never leave me. And I will have to remember it all: The Meat Market, my life as a demon, as Keysu. Meeting Atlas and trying so fucking hard to change and failing. Talon and what I did to him. And the look of disappointment in her eyes when she finds out I was too weak to stay on the right path for her.

  It isn’t even a contest. I won’t let Atlas die proving her love for me, but I am quite willing to die inside proving my love for her.

  “I choose her,” I shout. “I choose her over anyone, including myself, and I’d choose her every damn time.”

  With a roar, I run at the faltering force field. Time starts to move again. The force field slams into me, and it’s like being hit by a moving truck, but I don’t stop. I push against it, ignoring the pain, barely even registering it, and suddenly I’m through it. I’m free.

  I hurl myself into the air, flying towards Atlas. I slam into her, knocking her onto her back, and I come down on top of her. I catch myself on my hands, stopping my full weight from crushing down on her.

  I hold myself on one hand, looming over her, and with the other one I rip the razor from her hand and throw it away. The wound in her neck closes instantly, like it was never there, and I wonder how much of this was really testing me rather than testing the team.

  Relief floods me as the wound vanishes and Atlas’s color goes back to normal. Even the blood that soaked her and then me seconds ago is gone now.

  Atlas smiles and throws her arms around my neck, pulling my face down towards hers. I’m so close to her I can feel her breath tickling my skin as she speaks.

  “You have to swear to me right now that you’ll never leave me again. I don’t care why you did it, or what you’ve done. Just swear it to me right now that you’ll always be with me,” she says.

  It would be so easy to swear it to her. To close the final half an inch between us and kiss her. But I can’t do it. I was weak before, and I allowed myself to take the easy way out, to cross back over to the dark side. And I won’t bring her over here with me. This time, I’ll make the hard choice. The right choice. The choice that will kill me as surely as a sword or knife would.

  I push myself up onto my knees. Atlas’s hands are still locked around my neck, and she comes up into a sitting position. Her smile fades as she looks at the steely resolve on my face.

  “Kane? What’s wrong?” she asks.

  Everything. Absolutely fucking everything.

  She frowns, confused by my reaction to her. It’s not just confusion I see though; it’s pain. I have hurt her yet again. I feel something close down inside of me as I reach up and gently take hold of her wrists from behind my neck, parting them and bringing her hands back to her sides. I stand up and look down on her.

  She looks so vulnerable sitting there, looking up at me, confused and hurt. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and undo it all.

  “I’m sorry, Atlas. That’s a promise I can’t make,” I say.

  “It’s a promise you already made, Kane. So tell me what changed,” Atlas says.

  She gets up off the ground and stands facing me. She is a mixture of angry and heartbroken, and with every passing second, I hate myself even more. I didn’t think that was possible, but boy was I wrong. It seems the levels of self-hatred I can go to are unlimited. Why couldn’t I have just kept my promise to her? Why did I have to revert back to my old ways and kill Talon?

  I can’t change the past, no matter how much I might want to, and holding on to what ifs and wishes isn’t helping anyone, least of all me.

  “You know what changed,” I say.

  The voice booms out again, interrupting us, and I have to admit I glad of the reprieve from this conversation.

  “Atlas, Saudia, Langston, Regal, and Perry. You have successfully completed your tasks, and Kane has been released from the force field. The game is over.”

  Atlas barely lets the voice finish before she turns back to me.

  “I don’t know what changed. It was less than a week ago we proved our love was true, and now you don’t even want to look at me,” she says.

  “Oh Disney, if only you knew,” I say, reverting to my old nickname for her without even knowing I’ve done it.

  “I went back to my old ways. I… I did something. Something unforgivable, and if you knew what it was, you wouldn’t be here. I’m sorry for hurting you, really I am, but I’m not leaving you because I don’t love you. I’m leaving you because I do. I won’t drag you into the darkness with me.”

  “I know what you did, Kane,” she says, tears forming in her eyes. “You did the thing I was planning on doing. You killed Talon. I know all about it, and I’m still here.”

  I shake my head. She almost got pulled into the darkness even before I knew I was responding to it again.

  “Yes. That’s what I did. I did it because I knew if I didn’t, you would. Even being around me exposed you to that darkness, and I wanted to make sure you never had to give in to it. Talon deserved to die for what he did to you, and I’m glad I got to do it and save you from doing it, but I wish I could take it back. I wish I could go back and be the man you deserve, but I can’t. So please, don’t make this any harder than it has to be. You don’t need to lecture me on what a bastard I am because I already know it, and nothing you can say can make me feel any worse than I do right now. Let me walk away.”

  “Kane, you don’t understand,” Atlas says to me. “We all know what you did, and we’re here to get you out of here. We’re here to thank you, not condemn you. Do you really think ridding the world of a disease like Talon is a dark act? Trust me when I say it isn’t. You didn’t give in to the darkness. You followed the light. And that’s not just me saying it, so don’t think it’s because I got close to you. The whole team said the same thing; if you hadn’t killed Talon, they would have. And the only difference between you and them is that they wouldn’t have even regretted doing it.”

  I look from Atlas to the team. They’ve kept their distance, letting us have this private moment, but they could obviously hear us, and now Atlas has mentioned their part in all of this, they come over. Langston is the first one to reach me. She wraps her arms around me.

  “I’d have made him suffer too,” she whispers in my ear.

  I feel a weight lift off my shoulders at her words. It’s one thing for Atlas to insist the team is okay with it—she can make them be okay with it as their leader. But she can’t make them say something like this with the passion Langston has in her voice as she says it.

  The rest of the team slaps me on the back, and each and every one of them confirms I did the right thing. And that’s when I know. It’s not real. It’s another torture tactic. Somehow, they’ve got Atlas so true to her real self that I couldn’t tell her apart from the visions they send me.

  I back up a few steps, and Atlas frowns.

  “Kane? What is it?”

 
“Go away,” I shout. “You’re not fucking real. None of you are real. Show me your true selves. If you want to come at me, do it, but do it like men. Show me who you really are.”

  Atlas closes the gap between us in three strides. Even as I try to back away further, she grabs my arm and pulls me in. I know she’s not real, but I still can’t resist her touch. She puts her other hand on the back of my neck and pulls my head down to hers. Our lips meet, and she kisses me. Sparks fly through my whole body in the way only the real Atlas causes. I melt into her, pulling her closer to me, holding onto her so tightly I fear I might hurt her.

  It’s her. It’s really fucking her. It’s not a vision. She’s really here. And she still loves me. None of them are rejecting me. I am mortified to feel myself on the verge of crying. I push my hand into Atlas’s hair, pressing her lips harder against mine and concentrating on the physical feel of her until the wave of emotion passes.

  She breaks away and smiles at me, her lips glistening with our shared moisture.

  “If any of your visions ever made you do that, then we’re going to have a problem.” She grins.

  I grin back. “If any of my visions ever made me do that, I wouldn’t have locked myself away behind a force field.”

  “I hate to be the one to break up your reunion and shit, but we should probably get out of here sometime soon,” Rachel says. “You know, before we get accosted by Atlas’s childhood teacher who turns out to be a two-headed dinosaur or something.”

  Atlas nods and digs down under the gray rags she’s wearing. She hands me a vial.

  “Pearl potion. It will mask you so we can get out of here safely,” she says.

  I should never have bothered coming here. She was always going to find me, whatever it took. I should have known she would. And anywhere else, she wouldn’t have had to go through whatever she had to go through to get the stuff to make this potion.

  I drink down the potion, trying and failing to place the familiar yet strange at the same time taste of it, and we set off toward the gate that will get us out of this place. It doesn’t feel quite as desolate now that Atlas’s hand is in mine. I slow down, holding Atlas back so I can talk to her alone for a moment.

  “Who’s the new girl?” I ask.

  “Oh, Rachel? She’s a friend of Carla’s. She’s a Valkyrie,” Atlas says.

  “I know that. But why is she with you? And Carla too?”

  “Carla and Regal are dating now.”

  I didn’t expect that one. I’m happy Regal is finally over Atlas, and not just because it always bothered me a bit that he was into her. I’m happy because he has moved on and found a way to be happy.

  “And Rachel said she doesn’t want the world to end, so she’s been helping us out. It was actually her who told us where to find you,” Atlas continues. “Why? What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I just don’t trust her. She looks so familiar, but I can’t place her. I mean, the night I killed Talon, I went to a bar afterward. I got to talking to her. I’d never met her before, but she seemed to know who I was. She kept asking me where I had been, where I was going. A whole lot of questions. Questions you generally don’t ask a stranger. She even asked me at one point if I would be going back to the loft or to Pest’s place. In the end, I told her I was going where no one would find me just to shut her up.”

  Atlas smiles, and I frown. What could be good news about that?

  “She’s kind of seeing Pest. That’s what she was doing. She was quizzing you trying to find out if Pest would be coming, or if you would be seeing him. She must have already had a crush on him from afar.”

  “I don’t know,” I say.

  “Honestly, Kane. I was wary of her at first, and I get it. Generally, people don’t show up to help without wanting something in return, but I mentioned that and she said not having to live in a world overrun by demons and chaos was enough for her. She’s kind of hell-bent on the whole save the world task like her life depends on it. She saved my life on the way here, and it wasn’t just a case of timing. She had to run through a wall of lasers that tore her to shreds to the point I didn’t even recognize her face when she was through it. She’s in this. Maybe it’s only to impress Pest, but I can live with her using us for that.”

  I force myself to smile at her. I’m not going to have our conversation turn into an argument, but I make a mental note to talk to Pest about her. And I’ll be keeping a close watch on her myself too. Pest is irritating at times, but I won’t have him being used by some power-hungry Valkyrie.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say.

  She frowns at the abrupt change to the nature of our conversation.

  “We’ve been over this. You did what any of us would have done.”

  I shake my head.

  “No, I didn’t. If anyone else had done what I did, they’d have come back and faced whatever waited for them. I was a coward. I couldn’t bear the thought of you telling me to leave, so I left without even giving you a chance to talk to me about it. And then you almost died, and a stranger had to save you. It should have been me.”

  Atlas smiles.

  “It was a change—me having to come and save you. But it wasn’t just me saving you. It was still you saving me. The team didn’t say anything, but none of them believed I could finish this thing without you beside me. It took Carla to point it out, but none of them argued the point, and I realized myself they were right.”

  “Those damn Valkyries have no filter, do they?” I comment.

  Atlas shakes her head.

  “No, but they’re not cruel. They just speak the truth about the things no one else wants to mention. I kind of like that. I know where I stand with them.”

  “For the record, you could have done this without me. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you’re brave. And you’re just about crazy enough to pull this off.”

  She laughs.

  “Less of the crazy part,” she warns me.

  Her tone is light, joking, and I want to keep it that way, but I have to get the rest out. I have to make her understand that maybe I’m not back in the darkness, but I fucked up in style.

  “There’s something else,” I say. “You almost cut your own throat to save me, Atlas. And you shouldn’t have. You are the Last Seeker—the world’s only hope. And I’m not worth your life.”

  “You’re worth everything to me,” she interrupts.

  I feel a warm glow inside of me, the sort of warmth I only ever feel around her, and I squeeze her hand.

  “I love you for saying that, but it’s not the point. The point was when I came here, I told the Brotherhood that you might come and that they should make sure you all couldn’t get to me. I know you suspected that, but I need you to hear it from me. I knew there would be a series of tasks that you would have to complete. I didn’t know if you failed them they would affect you and the team, I honestly thought it would only cause me to be punished more. And I as sure as hell didn’t know what they planned on making you do for the last task. I told them they couldn’t hurt you guys. If I’d have known that would be it, I would never have agreed to it. You know that, right?”

  “Oh Kane, I know it already. I know that no matter what happens, you have my back.”

  I stop and turn her to face me. I know we should be hurrying up to get out of here, but I have to say this now. I take her face in my hands and look into her eyes.

  “The time I spent here was the worst time of my life. Not because of the torture, but because I wasn’t with you. That was way worse than anything these sadists could dream up. I swear to you I will never, ever leave you again.”

  She puts a hand over one of mine and then she steps in closer to me and wraps her arms around me. I move my hands from her face and embrace her. I wish my arms could keep her safe forever.

  “I love you,” she whispers as she presses her head against my chest.

  I kiss the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her.

  “I love yo
u too,” I reply.

  “Umm, guys? You might want to save the love-in for when we get out of here,” Langston shouts.

  Atlas and I laugh and break apart, hurrying to catch up with the others. We almost reach them, but we hang back a little bit, not wanting to lose the private moment between the two of us just yet.

  The closeness between us and the way her hand feels in mine says more than words ever could. It tells me that she really does forgive me. Not for killing Talon—there was nothing to forgive there. I should have seen it. I should have known the difference between the darkness calling and doing something that needed to be done. I didn’t relish killing Talon; I hated every second of it. That should have told me that it wasn’t a dark urge. If it had been, I’d have savored it, and afterward, I would have felt nothing.

  It tells me that she forgives me for leaving her and forcing her to come to this place. It tells me she knows I fucked up and she still loves me anyway. I wish I’d had a little bit more faith in her. I wish I’d been able to see that she would still love me. And I wish I had been able to see something I realized a while ago but still haven’t fully accepted.

  I can’t pull Atlas into my darkness, because she is good. My love for her doesn’t risk corrupting her; it can only heal me. And she can pull me into the light if I let her. And I am letting her. I am letting her do whatever it takes for us to be together forever.

  I am starting to think I had it all wrong. I thought I was dark because of the circumstances of my childhood, but I am not a product of my circumstances, I am a product of my decisions and the choices I make. I can choose to be bad, or I can choose to be good. It really is that simple when it comes down to it. There will always be that moral gray area, where sometimes good people have to do bad things for the right reasons, but I finally see there’s always a choice. She has shown me that, and I will be forever grateful to her for that.

  For all I can feel the bond between us, and I know she’s let go of any anger she feels towards me, there’s something wrong. I don’t know what it is, but I can feel the tension in her. I see it when she talks to me, and she is so careful about choosing every word. I see it in the set of her jaw and the tightness in her shoulders.