Scattered Ashes

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  “But I’m not sure if I’m even going,” she muttered again.

  Sarah pointed a finger at her. “And I said that you were, no excuses. The guy is sweet, hot, and wonderful, not to mention being a lawyer. It’s a dream date, and you know it. The only problem in your eyes is that he isn’t Jordan. Well, nobody is Jordan except Jordan. And Jordan is very married, so deal.”

  “You’re impossible!” Nicole snapped as they arrived in the bedroom. “Completely and utterly impossible. Just so you know that.” She plunked on the bed as Sarah strode to her closet.

  “It’s duly noted, Nic. Now let’s get to work.”

  * * *

  By the time Sarah drove Nicole to Red Lobster, she felt foofed up beyond measure and couldn’t remember when she’d last played dress- up like this, not that it would have been a good memory. Nicole had always liked jeans and sweaters. She was a tomboy at heart, and this black cocktail dress, with its v-neck and the thigh-length hem, made her feel naked. She wasn’t, of course, but that didn’t stop her from feeling it.

  Then there was the make-up and the hair. Sarah wasn’t going to leave her alone until, like some kind of mounted Barbie head, both of those were perfect. Of course, perfection required her to wear her hair to one side to hide the bandage. The length of it had been swept up—Sarah’s choice, not hers. And these heels. What the hell had her best friend been thinking? Who wore these? And why? Wasn’t she clumsy enough without trying to be some kind of sex kitten? Really!

  “Go get him, Nic,” Sarah said, as Nicole stepped out into the full parking lot. She scanned the cars, wondering which was his, not that it mattered. She wasn’t sure anything mattered at this point except the violent butterflies in her stomach. Now those definitely mattered.

  The lobby was crowded, and she excused her way to the front to talk to the hostess with dark hair and eyes. In her own way, she reminded Nicole of Michael. Then again, Nicole was probably just imagining it. “I’m supposed to be meeting a Michael Adams here.”

  The hostess nodded and said, “Yes, we’ve seated him. If you’ll follow me.” She led the way through the crowd and headed into the restaurant proper as Nicole wondered how the hostess remembered Michael so well. Interesting.

  The hostess led her around the tables and back to a corner, where only two tables sat. One was vacant. Michael sat at the other. He was looking at the menu when Nicole approached, and as he glanced up, she saw him smile.

  “Well, well--looks like you made it,” he said, rising.

  “Yeah,” she replied. “I did.”

  He gestured to the seat across from him, and she nervously sat. Then he pushed it toward the table for her, making her all the more nervous because she really didn’t think many guys still had those kinds of manners. She'd actually thought they were extinct.

  “What would you like to drink?” a waitress asked, appearing right beside her.

  Nicole looked at Michael’s glass. Wine. Oh, boy. “I think I’ll have what he’s having, thank you.”

  “Certainly.” The waitress nodded and disappeared.

  “I almost didn’t recognize you,” he said, taking a sip.

  Nicole laughed and waved at her hair. “Yeah, I know. It’s up, and I’m dressed like a lady and all that. Still the same me though.” She averted her eyes, unable to take the constant staring.

  “No, that’s not what I meant. I knew you were beautiful, but tonight you’re absolutely stunning.”

  Nicole licked her lips and tried not to think about being nervous. Yeah, and skunks might start spraying perfume, too, she thought. “I hope you haven’t been here long. I think I’m a few minutes late.”

  He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, but I would've waited even if you had been later.”

  “That’s never a good thing to tell a woman,” she whispered, shaking her head.

  “Yeah, I know, but you didn’t ask me why I would have waited, either.” He took another sip as the waitress brought Nicole’s glass and a menu.

  “Thank you,” she said, then looked back at Michael. “Okay, why would you have waited?”

  “Because it’s my little sister’s first day on the job as hostess, and I wanted to sit back and watch her work, maybe give her a little grief from time to time.”

  “That’s how she knew who you were,” Nicole said, taking a small sip. She didn’t usually like wine, but she figured it might help loosen her up.

  “What did you think? It was magic?”

  “I don’t know.” She frowned and thought a moment. “You don’t by chance live around here, do you?”

  “Yep. Fancy my surprise when I found you in Oklahoma City. I’ve lived here most of my life, and I hadn’t run into you before now. What were the odds?”

  “You are devious! That explains how you were able to find my address.”

  His grin broadened. “Yeah, but you like it. You might as well admit it, Nicole. Besides, I’m a lawyer. Sometimes it’s my job to find people.”

  She nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess I do like it.”

  The waitress arrived to take her order, but Michael held up his hand. “She may not be ready to order. I don’t think she’s even looked at the menu.”

  “Some of us don’t need to look at menus,” Nicole corrected before turning to the waitress. “I’ll have the popcorn shrimp, please.”

  The waitress asked a few more questions about her order and proceeded to take Michael’s. Although Nicole didn’t feel comfortable staring at him while he seemed to be unaware, catching him off guard was another story. He seemed at ease with the world around him, and it amazed her. In fact, this whole thing amazed her. She still wasn’t sure she could actually believe it was happening, not completely.

  The diner passed pleasantly, and even though Nicole felt the effects of the wine, it was as though a mild calmness had spread through her, making things easy to enjoy and temporarily wiping Jordan from her thoughts. Even though she’d been trepidatious about going out on the date in the first place, as the evening went on, she grew more and more glad she had been willing to get out, not that she really expected this to go anywhere. Then again, she hadn’t expected Michael even to remember her after he’d left. Sometimes, things were a lot different than she thought they would be.

  Although she wasn’t sure what would happen when they left the restaurant, once Michael realized she hadn’t driven and would be riding with him, he suggested a walk around a nearby pond to enjoy the evening. A rejection was on the tip of Nicole’s tongue, but she found herself quickly agreeing in spite of it.

  Walking through the parking lot, she scanned the cars again, wondering which was his. The answer came quickly enough—a dark blue Lexus—as he opened the door and waited for her to sit before closing it. Nicole allowed herself to wonder if she’d made a mistake. She didn’t know Michael all that well, but a little voice in her head told her that unless she let a few more people in behind those walls she’d erected, she was never going to know anyone that well, so she might as well start with Michael.

  Dusk was setting the sky and pond on fire as they pulled up. Once again, Michael opened her door. She watched the geese scatter into the sky as the two of them started along the walking trail. Michael shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at the heavens. The light danced off his hair, illuminating the auburn highlights throughout.

  Finally, he turned to her and asked, “So--how’s your head?”

  “Still attached,” she said touching the Band-aid that her hair had kept hidden.

  “Thanks, smartbutt. I’m serious. How's your head?” He bent and picked up a stone, and with a flick of the wrist cast it across the water.

  She shrugged. “I still have a headache, but it’s better. And thanks, by the way.”

  “For what?” he asked softly, picking up another stone and skipping it across the placid pond.

  “Everything--especially the hotel room. Sarah said she'd made reservations, but I don’t think she did.”

  He shrugged. “You�
�re welcome. Glad I could help.”

  As they walked around the pond, they conversed quietly about future plans and the lack of significant others in both their lives. Although Nicole thought about Jordan, she also remembered he was married. Besides, even though she’d begun to accept that Jordan would always have a place in her memories, she knew she had to move on. Michael was offering her that.

  It was late when Michael drove her back to her apartment. Always the gentleman, he walked her to the door. For a moment, both stood there awkwardly, looking at each other before he gently took both her hands in his and stepped closer.

  “I had a great time tonight, Nicole,” he said softly. “And I’d really like to go out again.”

  “Me, too.” Their eyes met, and she felt the burning in his as he leaned close and brushed his lips across hers, driving away all thoughts she might have had, as well as any form of reason.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he whispered, giving her cheek a slow kiss before he walked away and she slipped inside, where her best friend waited, sitting on the couch and eating popcorn while watching a movie.

  “Well,” Sarah said. “How was it?”

  Nicole leaned against the closed door, wanting for just a moment or two to replay how the evening had gone and how much she'd enjoyed Michael kissing her. It didn’t seem possible.

  “Nic?” Sarah set the bowl aside and stood. “You are blushing, woman! What happened?”

  Nicole started laughing, and it came out in such a rush she could hardly breathe. Sarah grew frustrated and started shaking her, which didn’t help much.

  “Nic, come on! Tell me what happened? Do you like him?”

  Nicole nodded, and when she'd finally caught her breath, she said, “He is so awesome! Really amazing--and he lives here, close by!”

  “Yes!” Sarah said. “I knew it was meant to be.”

  Nicole nodded and pointed to her bedroom. “I’m going to go get ready for bed.”

  “Okay. I’m finishing this movie.”

  The two women parted company as Nicole headed to her bedroom. She reached into her purse to look at her cell phone, still grateful that it hadn’t been stolen with her other purse. By some miracle, she’d put it in her jeans pocket.

  She scrolled through the display options and saw she’d missed a call. “Crap,” she muttered and saw it had been Jordan who'd called, leaving a message.

  Gritting her teeth, Nicole played it and waited, holding her breath.

  “Hey, Nicole, It’s me, Jordan. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Things are great here. I just miss having someone to talk to. Have a great evening.”

  For a moment, she just sat there with the phone resting in her open palm. She wanted to talk to him, and she knew she probably shouldn’t call, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She pushed the contact button and selected his number. For the first couple of rings, she tried not to wonder where he was and if he were happy. For whatever reason, there was an attachment between them. It would have been nice to have discovered that under different circumstances, but there was nothing to do about that now.

  On the third ring, a woman answered, taking Nicole aback. She almost dropped the phone before she could close it, and long after the call had been disconnected, she stared at it in horror. It was one thing to know he was married but another to hear his wife’s voice.

  She must have listened to the message ten times before she set the phone aside and tried not to dwell on it. What else could she do? She wasn’t sure. All she knew was that even with all the happiness she’d felt as a result of her date, her last thought before drifting to sleep was of that suspended bridge and Jordan

  Chapter Eight

  Over the next year and a half, Nicole spent a lot of time with Michael, and although she hadn’t forgotten about Jordan, she felt as though her world didn’t revolve around him anymore, and that was a good thing because she knew their paths were headed in different directions. If she spent much time at all thinking about might have been, it was only because the heart wants what the heart wants. It didn’t seem to understand that sometimes things are beyond its reach.

  She’d even gotten to the point she spent the night at Michael’s more often than not, and nobody, especially Sarah, was surprised when he proposed. He’d brought her to the Red Lobster again, more for the sake of reminiscing than because the food was the best in town. It wasn’t. But this was the place they'd had their first date.

  Nicole had sensed what was coming when he'd slipped down on one knee and offered her the ring. The whole restaurant had broken out with cheers, and she'd found herself giving him a "yes" even though Jordan yet lingered in the back of her mind and in her heart. Perhaps that should have been a warning, but she did know one thing: Michael was a good man who loved her. He would treat her right, and they could make a life together. Part of her knew it wasn’t the life she sought; it never would be, no matter how much she might want things to be different.

  After making love until almost dawn, she called her mother from Michael’s bedroom as she heard him in the shower getting ready for work. He hummed randomly as always, and Nicole found comfort in that.

  Her mother answered on the second ring. “Hello?”

  “Good morning, Mom,” Nicole said, trying not to grin so much. Her mother would definitely pick up on that.

  “Nicole? Is that you?”

  “Yeah.” She ran her fingers through her hair and tried to pat it down. That was one of the good things about having long hair.

  “Is there something wrong? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for classes?”

  Nicole laughed at her mother’s worried tone. If there were anything to frown over, her mom would find it. “Everything is fine. I just had something I wanted to tell you. Michael proposed last night.”

  “Oh, my baby.”

  Nicole could hear the emotions running high in her mom’s voice. “Are you crying?” she asked, incredulous.

  “No, of course not. Is this what you want?”

  Nicole paused, and an image of Jordan floated through her thoughts. He wore the same clothes as on that weekend PE trip, and he smiled and waved at her like nothing had changed--like she hadn’t changed. She nodded, even though her mom wouldn’t be able to see it. “Yeah, Mom. I love him. I really do.”

  “Then you need to come over this weekend so we can plan the wedding, and I won’t take "no" for an answer. You hear me?”

  Nicole stifled a giggle. “Yes, Mom.”

  She hung up as Michael slipped back into the room. He wore a white dress shirt and a navy Armani suit with suspenders underneath. As he leaned over to kiss her, she caught a whiff of his aftershave—Obsession. Their lips touched, and he lifted his head to look at her.

  “Good morning, wife-to-be.” His hand stroked her cheek lovingly.

  “Good morning, husband-to-be.”

  He peered at her and shook his head. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for class?”

  She stretched lazily. “What time is it?”

  He consulted his watch. “Almost 8.” He walked over to the closet to get his dress shoes.

  “Crap!” Nicole snapped, immediately throwing the covers back and climbing out of bed, searching for her clothes. “I have a test this morning.”

  Michael watched her via the bureau mirror. “Yeah, well, you’d better get something on, or I’m coming over there, and we’re both going to be late because what I’m thinking right now is going to take all morning.”

  She threw on her clothes and finger-brushed her hair before flying out his front door as he laughed and called, “Your shirt’s on backward!”

  “It’s a new fashion trend!” she yelled back. “See you tonight.” She ran to her vehicle, and as she started driving, she glanced down at her shirt and noticed Michael had been right. “Damn it.”

  * * *

  Jordan sat at his desk, staring out the window. At any other time, he would have noticed how beautiful spring was, but not today. The house wa
s quiet, emulating the stasis in their marriage. It had been two years since they’d taken their vows, and he wasn’t sure what had gone wrong. Perhaps most of it had to do with the miscarriage, but even that couldn’t bear the whole weight of this…silence...which seemed to have settled in their marriage. He didn’t understand it.

  He stood slowly and looked around the room, unsure what to do next. He had take the day off to try to clean the house and get a nice dinner ready to shore up some of the stress which had been eating at both of them lately, but he wasn’t sure that was going to do much.

  Still, he started some laundry and picked up before checking to make sure he had all the ingredients for a wonderful dinner steaks, potatoes, and such. As he headed out to start the grill, he spotted one of their wedding pictures on the mantle. It was the first thing Alyssa had set in the house when they had moved in, and he marveled at how he’d never really looked at it, had never really looked at any of the wedding photos. He’d always intended to, but the days had just kept blurring past, and he'd been so focused on getting a job there had it been enough hours left to do everything.

  Perhaps that was the key—more time with Alyssa? She’d been cold since the miscarriage, and he was running out of options. Sometimes he wanted to just call one of her friends and ask what was happening, but he doubted even that would prove useful. Alyssa’s friends hadn't really gravitated toward him, just as his friends hadn't breached her outer circle, but he had foolishly believed their friendship would be enough to tether them together.

  Perhaps he had been wrong?

  He didn’t know where to turn. He’d tried talking to her, but she'd refused to get past the surface level, leaving him in unfamiliar waters.

  Without thinking about it, he pulled out his cell and dialed Nicole’s number. Okay, maybe she wouldn’t have any insight, but then again, maybe she would. He didn’t have any other options. Talking to members of his family or hers was out. They didn’t even know about the pregnancy or the miscarriage.

  The phone rang twice before she answered. “Hello?”

  “Nicole?”