The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy)

by Kahlen Aymes

  “Oh, honey. I’m sorry, my love. I was an idiot.”

  “You couldn’t have known, and you always came back to me. They never lasted very long.”

  “Because they weren’t you.” His voice vibrated over my skin and my arm tightened around his waist.

  I drew in a deep, shaky breath. “That’s why I was scared to let this happen…to let myself love you, to make love with you. I was afraid that I’d become one of your flings and I would rather be your friend than your lover for a week or two. I couldn’t risk that shit.”

  “Julia, it’s all us now. I will never touch another woman again. And after this…I cannot have any other man touching you. Ever.”

  “If it was impossible before, how in the hell do you think it’s possible now? You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

  His finger slid beneath my chin to tilt my head up so he could kiss me softly, sucking on my lips with his. “One thing I know, Julia. You have got to get to the East Coast, love. Either that or I need to find a med school out here. I am not going to survive this separation now.”

  I snuggled into the love of my life. He was right. I loved my job, but Ryan was where I needed to be. “You’re not screwing with Harvard, Matthews. You got me?”

  He chuckled softly and rubbed my back gently. “Yes. I’ve got you.”

  ~5~

  Ryan got up after we made love and went into the bathroom, washing off and then bringing in a warm washcloth to tenderly wash the blood from my lower body and legs. His features were soft, his eyes burning with emotion.

  “Julia, I’m…overwhelmed,” he whispered as he gathered me close to him after he’d returned to bed. I felt extremely safe as I snuggled into him, resting on his shoulder and wrapping an arm around him. It felt so perfect. “There are no words to describe how much I love you. Thank you for trusting me, and—” his words dropped off as he nuzzled into my hair at the side of my neck, “for loving me enough to wait for me.” His arms tightened around me. “I won’t survive losing you now.”

  I sighed against him and kissed his chest. “You know that isn’t possible. As long as you want me, I’m yours.”

  His voice caught on emotions and his hand rubbed up and down my arm. “Promise me that nothing will come between us.”

  “I promise. Forever,” I whispered. He finally drifted off to sleep but my mind was working overtime, my heart too full to sleep. I lay there for a long time just listening to him breathe, but I was restless and didn’t want to wake him up.

  I lifted his arm carefully so I wouldn’t rouse him, yearning to kiss his mouth, but settled for brushing the hair from his forehead and touching his jaw with my fingertips. The stubble had started to grow which only served to make him even sexier, if that were possible.

  “Julia…” he sighed and flopped over on his stomach. My heart fluttered at my name on his lips. He’d said it many times as we made love and the emotion in his voice made my heart explode into a million pieces. It was amazing and somewhat surreal. I was afraid I’d wake up and find that it had just been another of my fantasies.

  The soreness between my legs reminded me that it was indeed real as I padded into the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to find some difference from the person I was 5 hours earlier. My hair was wild from his love play, my lips slightly swollen and there was a pink flush to my skin. Nothing major, but definitely changed forever.

  I shivered and ran my hand through my hair. He had been amazing, tender and so unbelievably loving that he took my breath away. The physical pain of his entry into my body paled in comparison to the way my chest clenched when he said he didn’t think he’d be able to stop. After four years of waiting and wanting, there was no way in hell either of us could stop. The emotion between us was undeniable and beautiful.

  I lifted my face into the hot water and let it cascade over me, quickly washed my hair and rinsed it before turning off the faucet. I donned a white terrycloth robe that Ellie had given me for my birthday and wrapped my wet hair in a towel. I didn’t want to be gone from Ryan too long, but I wasn’t feeling tired. The light from the bathroom cast a soft glow across the bedroom, illuminating Ryan’s beautiful form. Still on his stomach with his arms curled underneath a pillow beneath his head, the sheet had fallen low on his hips leaving the glorious muscles on his back and the beginning curve of his ass laid bare to my view. I stopped in place as my breath caught in my throat. He was so perfect; I sometimes thought he was a figment of my imagination.

  We had everything now. Everything we could possibly want between us. And about 3000 miles that we didn’t want.

  My heart ached slightly at the thought of him leaving Sunday to return to Boston. Suddenly, my life in Los Angeles wasn’t so great. I’d missed him terribly, but now…it would be completely unbearable. Our admissions would make being apart more difficult, which had been one concern of letting our relationship progress back in college.

  I sighed as I knelt down beside the bed so I could look into his face and hear him breathing. He smelled so familiar to me; the same Ryan that had been by my side, my best friend who made me laugh and teased, who comforted and pushed. He’d been the most significant person in my world since the moment I’d met him. I inhaled so deeply that the expansion of my lungs actually hurt. My eyes welled with tears as my hand brushed his hair back from his perfect features again.

  “Julia.” He stirred softly, the words a breathy whisper. “I love you so much.”

  I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t make a sound. Finally hearing those words, and in the unconscious state of sleep, brought home just how incredibly true they were. I leaned in and kissed his temple as my heart squeezed to the point of pain.

  I love you, too, Ryan. More than I ever thought I could love anyone.

  I’d loved him before, but now, after we’d been so intimate, connected in body and soul, I knew I couldn’t live this far away from him. I needed him, and I wanted to be everything to him. To give him everything he could ever need. My heart pounded wildly as I moved to the upholstered chair near the window and leaned over to turn on the small lamp on the table beside it.

  I didn’t have much free time. The new job with Glamour was so demanding and the hours so long I hadn’t taken the time to draw at all. In the past four years I’d drawn several pictures of Ryan, some of them done on the nights that he’d gone out on dates, when I was heartbroken. It had given me some sort of twisted comfort as I kept reminding myself that I was the only constant woman in his life.

  Looking back, it was ridiculous to suffer and not take the risk of telling him the truth about the love I felt. I’d been so scared, but, in hindsight, I should have been honest. My true feelings and my virginity had been the only secrets I’d kept from him in all the time we’d known each other.

  I scoffed at myself and at him. We’d both been so stupid. I told Ryan not to think of it as wasted time and here I was, letting my silly ass do that very thing. I shook my head.

  My portfolio was filled with sketches of him doing various activities; studying, playing the piano, daydreaming, running his hands through his sexy hair, or talking with Aaron or his parents. Most I’d done from memory, but now I had the chance to do one unobserved. I didn’t have any of him sleeping and couldn’t resist taking the opportunity this moment presented. He was so beautiful in the dim light, boyish and angelic, his gorgeous face relaxed and content.

  I went quietly into the other room where I had an art table set up in the bay window. Lately, both Ellie and I were so busy that we weren’t using it much. I turned on the light to search around until I found sketchpad, a soft lead pencil, and my kneadable eraser.

  Settling back into the chair by the bed, I curled my knees under me and began to draw the general outline of his face. Taking note of the direction of light, I put the pencil to the paper.

  His face had very prominent angles, his jaw and brow very strong, the nose straight and perfect and his lips s
oft and full. Mmmm…I loved those lips. I smiled to myself as I drew their arcs before moving up to the sweep of his dusky lashes that rested so peacefully on his cheeks. He had a slight rosy glow, no doubt left over from our lovemaking, but this would be a black and white, so I would need to rely on how the light fell on the planes of his face to add depth.

  I worked late into the night, being careful with every detail, and once in a while Ryan would stir slightly. I finished his face and moved on to the pillow and his arms, his glorious hair. I glanced up as I worked the shading on his bicep and his blue eyes were open, glowing at me, a slight smile curving the full lips.

  My hand stopped on the page as I gazed at him, completely speechless at the sight he made.

  “Are you stealing my soul like Dorian Gray?” he asked, chuckling softly.

  I laughed softly as he reminded me of the literature class we’d taken our sophomore year at Stanford. We had to do an essay on a famous author and a major piece of work, and I’d chosen Oscar Wilde and his only novel, about a man who retained his youthful beauty while his portrait aged in his place.

  “Mmm…could I?” I leaned over and set the pencil on the table and flipped the cover on the pad closed, quirking an eyebrow in his direction.

  “You already have, my love,” he whispered.

  “Hmmm…but, it wasn’t his soul, silly. It was his youth.”

  “Well, it is my soul that’s been stolen…and my heart,” Ryan said thoughtfully and mine raced. “Do I get to see it?”

  “No. It’s not finished yet.” The truth was that I had many that I’d never shown him. He had no idea how much I had obsessed and I had always felt embarrassed at the possibility he would know that I loved him and wanted him in that way.

  “I’m lonely over here,” he suggested seductively and rolled onto his side, propping his head on a bent arm. “I miss you, sweet. I need my beautiful girl.” The sheet fell even lower on his hips at the move, letting me glimpse the delicious trail of hair that led down his stomach and got thicker toward his man parts. I laughed softly at the thought.

  He smiled and raised his brows in question. “What?”

  I got up and moved to the bed to sit on the edge. Ryan reached out to take my hand and kiss the inside of my wrist. Electricity shot through me where his lips grazed softly across my skin, his eyes never leaving mine. “Hmmm?” he prodded and brushed his lips across my skin again.

  “I just never thought that I’d be in a position to see you like this. It’s…” I paused for a second when he took one of my fingers and sucked it into his mouth. I gasped. “Uh, Ryan, that’s not fair.”

  He laughed softly and pulled on the tie of my robe allowing it to fall open. His eyes grew dark as he looked at me and pulled me further onto the bed and into his arms. His hand came up to brush my hair back and then cup the side of my face. His thumb moved across my cheek and his fingers closed around the back of my head to pull me closer.

  My face reached toward his as his lips hovered above mine. I wanted him to kiss me, to feel his lips and tongue devour me.

  “All’s fair in love and war. You know that, Julia.” His tongue came out to lightly trace my upper lip and then he sucked the lower one and nibbled a little with his teeth. My head fell back and my arms slid up his bare chest and around his neck.

  “Is this love or war?” I whispered as he took my mouth in a deep, very slow and passionate kiss. My body responded to his touch and his mouth on mine, my nipples hardened and the moisture began to pool. I felt my body begin to open.

  “Uhhh…” I moaned against his mouth as he shifted my body underneath his. I moaned again as I felt the evidence of his desire pressing into my core. God, I wanted him.

  “I think I should tell you,” he said as his mouth played with mine, teasing and leaving me wanting more, “that if this is war, you’re going to lose and lose huge.” Ryan smiled against my lips before his mouth resumed the deep, sucking kisses. His tongue slid into my mouth and I opened to him as his arms tightened around me. The bare skin of our chests against each other felt glorious. There was something delicious about the skin on skin, both of us moaning as we rubbed against each other, his lower body surging against mine.

  “God, Ryan. I love you so much. I can’t believe this is happening.” His answer was to kiss me again and again as his hands moved over my body and deftly removed the robe completely. At last, we were naked and rolling around with each other on the bed, writhing and panting, kissing deeply, like we’d never get enough.

  “Oh, Julia. Finally. This is magnificent. It’s madness,” he groaned against my breast just before he pulled the nipple into his mouth. He suckled first one, then the other, his hand stroking down my thigh and back again to rest on my hip. He pulled me closer and pressed his hardness into me again. “See how much I want you? I’ve always wanted you like this, babe.”

  I arched by breasts toward his mouth as I bit the skin on the top of his shoulder lightly. “Yes, Ryan…please,” I begged.

  His kisses became softer until finally he drew back to look into my eyes. “You’ll be sore right now, honey,” he whispered against the curve of my neck, his tongue coming out to lick the skin before he blew softly on the wetness left behind. I shivered and his hand traced up my arm. “We can still play a little, but no penetration, okay?”

  “Okay, playing is good,” I breathed against his mouth as my hand traced down his chest and stomach to grasp around his hardness and began to slowly move up and down. He groaned against my shoulder. We needed no more words as we both touched and kissed each other until we both exploded in ecstasy beneath the other’s hands. The sun was coming up before we fell into an exhausted sleep, satisfied, content and completely wrapped around each other.

  My phone was ringing in the distant recesses of my mind, but I fought waking up. Moaning in protest, I rolled over, glancing at the clock on the bedside table in Julia’s bedroom. A huge grin split across my face.

  Julia’s bedroom.

  I was in her bed and we had shared the most incredible, intoxicating night of my life. She was incredibly responsive to each and every touch. It felt like we were made only for each other. No other woman in my life had ever made me feel so fulfilled, so possessive or so ready to burst. My heart swelled as I climbed out of bed and rushed to my pants to grab my phone.

  Aaron.

  “What?!” I practically snapped.

  “Whoa. Happy fucking Thanksgiving to you, too!”

  I sighed and sat back down on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I was sleeping.”

  “Sleeping? It’s three PM!”

  “Not here it isn’t, moron,” I teased. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  “You better ask that boy if he finally grew a pair and took what that girl has been dying to give him!” Jen called happily from the background.

  “Uh, yeah. We want to know if you finally tapped that fine ass,” Aaron laughed.

  Neither of them minced words, that’s for sure. “Uh…that fine ass is not up for discussion.” I smiled as I reached for my pants and slid them on, standing to finish the job.

  “Ryan. It’s me, Aaron. You have to tell me, for crying out loud! We’ve been watching the two of you do the dance for years. So spill already!”

  “Okay. Yes.” I laughed happily; amazed at how pleased I was to tell him that Julia and I were finally a couple.

  “That’s what I’m talking about! Congratulations, man!” Jenna shrieked in the background. “Jenna is doing the happy dance around the kitchen right now,” he laughed. “How was it?”

  I paused, wondering where Julia was. I didn’t want her to be upset that I was telling Aaron about our lovemaking. I smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen and assumed she was already working on the meal for later in the day.

  “It was…incredible. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced.”

  “It’s about damn time. You both deserve this. Jules is a great girl,” he said seriously.

  “Thank you.
I know I sound like a sappy shit, but I love her so fucking much I can’t even breathe, Aaron,” I said softly.

  “You always have, Ryan. Newsflash! She has too.”

  I padded into the kitchen to see my girl at the stove stirring something that was sautéing in a skillet and then bending to take a cookie sheet filled with bread from the oven.

  “Yeah. Amazing, isn’t it?” Julia turned when she heard me laugh and smiled widely. “She’s already making the feast, Aaron. She’s…perfect.” She was wearing my shirt and some cut off sweats and her hair was piled in a knot on top of her head. It made my heart skip a beat at the sight. This was my Julia.

  “Really? Jen! Get your ass in the kitchen and start making dinner. Julia is three hours behind you and she’s already started!”

  I laughed out loud again when I heard Jenna’s response in the background. “You get your ass dressed. The turkey will be served at McFarland’s. Corner of 15th and Nichols. Bring your wallet, asshole.”

  “Ugh! See how lucky you are?” Aaron groaned.

  “Yeah. I’m well aware of how good I’ve got it,” I said softly, watching Julia begin to break up the bread into a large bowl.

  “Let me talk to Julia.”

  “Ok…have a great day and tell Jen I love her.”

  “You too, Ryan. And I am really happy for you.”

  “Thanks.” I handed the phone to my girl. “Aaron wants to say hello.”

  She wiped her hands on a towel and reached for the phone, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me. “Good morning,” I whispered against her mouth before giving her a soft kiss.

  I heard Aaron screaming on the phone. “Ryan, keep it in your pants! Let me talk to Jules!” We both laughed out loud as I released her.

  “Hello, Aaron. How are you guys?”

  I tried to figure out the conversation by listening to Julia’s responses, but there were bound to be holes.

  “I’m…wonderful. Thank you for asking.” A beautiful smile split on her face and she glanced at me.