Speed Dating

by Natalie Standiford

  So it wasn’t an act. Maybe.

  “Yoo hoo, Holly. Over here.” Boy #15 waved his hand in front of her eyes, trying to get her attention. “I always have the same problem,” the boy said. “Girls never listen to me. It’s like I’m invisible! Or inaudible?”

  “You’re perfectly audible,” she told him, just to be nice, because she didn’t hear another word he said. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but that was the way things were. Her decision was made. There was one boy for her, and one boy only.

  Eli Collins.

  5

  Busted

  * * *

  To: linaonme

  From: your daily horoscope

  HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: CANCER: Everyone’s talking about you (behind your back). Just thought you should know.

  * * *

  What about this guy, Holly?” Lina flipped through the Speed Dating Rate Cards, looking for comments on Holly. It was the evening after the first party, and Lina, Holly, and Mads were sitting on Lina’s bed with a big bowl of popcorn. “He wrote, ‘Whatup, girl? I wanna—’ Oh.”

  “What?” Mads leaned over her shoulder to look.

  Lina blushed and turned the card facedown. “It’s gross. Let’s just say a newspaper wouldn’t print it.”

  “Let me guess: Gus something-or-other, right?” Holly said.

  “How did you know?” Mads asked.

  “If you’d talked to him, you’d know,” Holly said. “I don’t care what any of those guys wrote about me. I only want to see one card. Eli Collins. Did you find it yet?”

  “Maybe he forgot to turn his card in,” Mads said.

  “Wait—here it is.” Lina peeled apart two rate cards that had been stuck together by a molecule of chewing gum. “Ick. Somebody had gummy fingers. Not Eli, I hope.” She looked at the card. It said, “Name: Eli Collins. School: Griffith Academy. E-mail: eli_eli_o.” That was all. No comments, no nothing.

  “What? What does it say?” Holly snatched the card away from her. She frowned as she read it. “I can’t believe he didn’t write any comments about me. He stared into my eyes as if he were having a religious experience.”

  “He didn’t rate any other girls, either,” Mads said. “Maybe he doesn’t like to write. Maybe he’s dyslexic or something. Hey, that reminds me of a joke: A dyslexic guy walks into a bra—get it? Walks into a bra?”

  But Lina could see that Holly was in no mood for jokes. “That’s cute, Mads. Look, Holly, don’t worry. If he likes you, he can look you up through school, or through Speed Dating Central. Or in the phone book, even. And if he doesn’t, you can always e-mail him yourself.”

  “Oh, no,” Holly said. “I’m not going to e-mail him unless he writes me first. I don’t want him to think I like him if he doesn’t like me. It’s too humiliating.”

  “Didn’t you like any of the other guys?” Mads asked. “Most of them sure liked you. What about this one, Jay Mukherjee? He says ‘Holly would be perfect for me. I’ve already gone out with just about every other good-looking girl at our club, so she seems like the next logical choice.”’

  “That’s inspiring,” Holly said.

  “Yeah, what a passionate guy,” Lina said.

  “They were all like that,” Holly said. “They all had something wrong with them. All except Eli.” She paused, and Lina thought, This would make a good Mood Swing column—the perils and pitfalls of Speed Dating.

  “I can’t stop thinking about him,” Holly said.

  “But you hardly know him,” Mads said. “You hardly even talked to him.”

  “All he said to you was, ‘It’s 3:17,”’ Lina said.

  “It doesn’t matter,” Holly said. “There’s something about him. I’m so curious about him. His mysterious ways got to me. I’m helpless! What if he’s my soul mate?”

  “Can you find your soul mate in just six minutes?” Lina said.

  “Good question,” Mads said. “That’s basically love at first sight—if you believe in that. Which, of course, I do.”

  “I’m not sure I do,” Lina said. “Do you, Holly?”

  “I don’t know,” Holly said. “I didn’t think I did… .”

  QUIZ: IS HE YOUR SOUL MATE?

  You see him, and your heart starts racing. How can you tell if it’s the real thing or just your caffeine habit? Take this quiz and see.

  When you first saw him, you thought: a ew (gag).

  b eh (shrug).

  c hmmm… (raised eyebrow).

  d zowiel (steam coming out of ears).

  How many times have you been in love? a never

  b once

  c twice

  d three to five times

  e more than five times

  Why do you love him? a He has curly hair, and you’re a sucker for that.

  b His soul shines through his eyes.

  c Everybody says he’s cute.

  d He’s so easy to talk to.

  He’s different from other boys because: a he really listens.

  b he actually likes musicals.

  c he can dance without looking dorky.

  d he’s got a third nipple.

  You know he loves you because: a he said so.

  b he gave you a locket with his picture in it.

  c he gave you half his sandwich.

  d he gave you a hickey.

  The thing he likes best about you is: a your smile lights up the room.

  b he feels comfortable with you.

  c you’re pretty.

  d you’re always home.

  You’re a perfect match because you share: a the same taste in music.

  b unquenchable passion.

  c the same size jeans.

  d the same goals and values.

  Scoring:

  a-0; b-1; c-2; d-3

  a-4; b-3; c-2; d-1; e-O

  a-1; b-2; c-0; d-3

  a-3; b-2; c-1; d-0

  a-2; b-3; c-1; d-0

  a-2; b-3; c-1; d-0

  a-1; b-2; c-0; d-3

  0-10: TOTALLY DELUSIONAL

  This one is not your soul mate. Why do you keep telling yourself he is? You probably shouldn’t even know this person. Find someone with more substance. And cut down on your coffee consumption.

  11-17: SOMEWHAT COMPATIBLE

  You might be able to make this work, but you will probably never be soul mates unless one of you matures an awful lot in the next few weeks.

  18-22: SOUL MATES

  You’re made for each other! Enjoy it. It’s a rare thing.

  Mood Swing

  Current Mood: Sexy

  I’m sorry, but Tess’s boyfriend Peter has got to be the cutest, sweetest boy on the planet. She told me a little secret about him. The other night they were making out at Tess’s house. Her uptight parents were out. Tess doesn’t like to have Peter over when they’re around, because her mother tends to grill Peter on his academic credentials and his plans for the future. Total buzzkill.

  Anyway, back to the good part of the story: Tess found this funny little spot on Peter’s stomach, right below his rib cage. They were kissing and everything, getting into it, and she put her hand under his shirt—he has a great long, flat stomach, not really a six-pack, but Tess isn’t into muscles anyway—and she’s rubbing his stomach and she accidentally presses this spot, right where the ribs make kind of a corner. And he squeaked! This adorable little mousy sound came out of his mouth. So they stopped kissing, and Tess started laughing, and she pressed the same spot again, and he squeaked again! And it turns out all she has to do is press that spot and he squeaks every time! He can’t help it. Is that not the sweetest?

  So then Tess started saying, “Hey, Mr. Squeaky-Mouse, how would you like a piece of cheese? And she pressed the spot, and Peter squeaked back as if he were a mouse saying, “Yes, please!” They had a whole conversation like this, where Pete was Squeaky-Mouse. Sometimes Tess pretended to be a cat, and she hissed and scratched at Pete and made him squeak as if he were afraid of her. They laughed so hard, Pete took a
sip of Coke and accidentally snorted it up his nose, and it sprayed all over his clothes. He went into the bathroom to clean himself off—and he accidentally left his boxers on the floor, under a towel. Tess didn’t know they were there until her mother found them later that evening and waved them in her face with an accusatory scowl. Tess had to think fast… .

  To be continued…

  Lina thought of Mood Swing as a kind of secret love letter to Walker, only in public. It gave her a little thrill to think that she was writing her true feelings about him, how adorable she thought he was and how much she liked being with him, and everybody at school could read it, only they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know exactly what she was saying or who she was talking about. It was like starring in Romeo and Juliet, with your real boyfriend as Romeo.

  On top of that, girls kept stopping her in the halls to tell her how much they loved to read about Peter and Tess. “I love to read those really secret details,” Claire said. “To find out what people really do when they’re making out. It makes me realize I’m not as weird as I thought.”

  Later that day, Lina stopped by The Seer’s office to check her e-mail. She had a message from Erica Howard, the editor in charge of the Crier internship. Lina had sent her a link to Mood Swing and asked what she thought of it. Had she read it? Nervously, Lina opened the e-mail.

  To: linaonme

  From: ehoward

  Re: mood swing

  Lina—Thanks for sending me the link to your new column on your blog. I’m really enjoying it. You’re a natural writer, and the antics of Peter and Tess feel very authentic. And entertaining. I’m totally addicted. Keep it up. You could be the voice of your generation!

  —Erica

  All right! Lina thought. I knew she’d like it! She’ll never pick Autumn’sblog over mine now.

  Walker came in and sat next to her. She pinched him, gave him a kiss, and said, “Did you read Mood Swing today? Erica Howard just wrote me to say she loves it!”

  He looked up at her—he’d been staring at the desktop, tapping a pencil—and scowled. Something was wrong.

  “What is it?” Lina asked. “Did something bad happen? I bet if you read my column it would cheer you up.”

  “I don’t think so,” Walker said. “Lina, people are onto us. The Peter and Tess thing, I mean. Rob and I were having an argument in history about the Cuban Missile Crisis, and when I said he was dead wrong, he said, ‘Yeah, you’re right. I’m a moron. Don’t mind me, dude, just step around the puddle of drool.”’

  “He did?” Lina vaguely remembered that line about the drool from her first Mood Swing column, when she had accused most of the boys at school—okay, all of them except for “Pete”—of being dumb when it came to girls. “But that doesn’t mean anything,” she said. “He knows I write the column and that I’m your girlfriend. He’s just ribbing you about that. And maybe he’s indirectly taking a dig at Holly through me, through you.”

  “Yeah? That’s pretty indirect.” Walker stood up and rubbed his spiky hair. “That’s not the worst of it. Jake Soros came up to me in the locker room after gym and punched me in the stomach.”

  Lina gasped. “Did he hurt you? Why did he do that?”

  “He said he wanted to find my squeaky spot.”

  Uh-oh.

  Lina tried to lift Walker’s shirt to see if he was hurt, but he pulled it down and said, “Stop that. I’m okay.”

  Mo Basri walked into the office, took one look at Lina and Walker, and said, “Hey Lina. Hey, Squeaky.” He tossed a ball of paper in the trash and walked out.

  Lina covered her face with her hands. “I don’t get it. How do they know? How did they figure it out?”

  “I don’t know,” Walker said. “But I think you’d better stop writing all our secrets in your column. Because I can only take so many punches to the gut.”

  “But everybody loves it!” Lina said. She could taste the panic rising her throat, bitter and metallic on the back of her tongue. “The Dating Game has gotten more hits than ever since I started Mood Swing. People keep telling me how much they like it. And it could help me win the internship.”

  Walker grabbed her hand. He was miserable; she could see it in his eyes. And she didn’t want to make him miserable.

  “Lina, have you read Nuclear Autumn lately?” he asked.

  “Nuclear Autumn?” Lina read it occasionally but tried to avoid it, even though it could be juicy. “No. Why?”

  Walker pressed some buttons on the keyboard in front of her. “I think you’d better read it.”

  Nuclear Autumn:

  Keeping You Informed of the Latest

  Developments in the Life of Autumn Nelson

  Okay, hello? Let’s stop this “Peter and Tess” charade right now. Lina Ozu, I’m calling you to the mat on this. In case anybody at RSAGE—which is supposed to be a school for gifted students, if I have to remind you—is too stupid to figure it out on her own, Tess and Peter, who Lina calls her “friends,” are really Lina and her boyfriend, Walker Moore, in real life. How stupid do you think we are, Lina? I mean, dub! Anybody could have figured this out, but for those of you who have been on drugs the last couple of weeks, here are the facts:

  1. Peter has two younger brothers. Walker has two younger brothers.

  2. Peter’s mother goes on a date. Walker’s mother is a widow who, I’m sure, dates (boys tell me she’s considered a MILF).

  3. Jake Soros punched Walker in the stomach today and he squeaked.

  4. Nobody but Lina Ozu would be dopey enough to think a squeaky stomach is cute and then pretend it’s a mouse and try to have a conversation with it.

  5. It’s typical Lina to think she’s the only girl in school who’s in love or has a decent boyfriend, and then to brag about it on her blog but pretend she’s being all modest and not bragging about it, even though she is. Bragging, I mean.

  Lina, you are so busted. Walker, I hope you like having your secrets spread all over school. Lina, you’d better hope he likes you a whole lot.

  And, everybody, stop reading Mood Swing! Now that I’ve shown you what a pack of lies it is. I mean, it’s all true, but Peter and Tess are made up. Except that they’re really Lina and Peter. You know what I mean.

  “Ugh.” The panicky taste had spread through Lina’s whole mouth. She hoped Walker couldn’t smell it on her breath. Stupid Autumn. She had ruined everything.

  “I guess changing our names wasn’t as good a disguise as I’d thought,” Lina said.

  “She pretty much nailed us,” Walker said.

  “I’m sorry,” Lina said. “I’ll stop writing about us. At least, no more super-personal stuff. Okay? I promise.”

  “Thank you.” She could see the relief on Walker’s face. His smile lost its tension and went back to being a sweet Walker smile. He forgave her so easily. It was wonderful.

  But now what would she write about on Mood Swing? Without the juicy details of her dates with Walker, what did she have left? Covering the latest lacrosse game? Stiff, sterile dinners with her parents? Holly and Mads were usually good for a make-out story, but she couldn’t tell their secrets in public or they’d be mad at her, too. What was she going to do?

  6

  After Dreck

  * * *

  To: mad4u

  From: your daily horoscope

  HERE IS TODAY’S HOROSCOPE: VIRGO: Yes, you need guidance, but why are you looking for it in an insane asylum?

  * * *

  I don’t get it,” Mads said. She and Lina and Holly were eating lunch at a table outside. Across the school courtyard, Quintana was sitting under the big elm tree with a senior named Holter Knapp. They were mauling each other.

  “She’s been here, what—a week?—and she’s already hooked one of the cutest boys in school,” Mads said. “And almost every boy at the Speed Dating party ranked her Extremely Attractive. One guy even called her Beyond the Realm of Feminine Allure. Whatever that means.”

  “She does have a good b
ody,” Lina said.

  “Sebastiano says she has animal magnetism,” Holly said. “She isn’t shy, that’s for sure. I heard she was making out with Nick Henin at the Pinetop last weekend.”

  “I still can’t get into that stupid place,” Mads said. The Pinetop Lounge was a local bar known for not carding minors—except for Mads, who was so young-looking, even the Pinetop wouldn’t serve her.

  Mads watched as Quintana and Holter broke apart for a second and smiled at each other as if they knew a secret. Then Quintana licked her lips. Holter moved his face toward hers, but she ducked her head away, just an inch out of reach, so he had to try again, move even closer… .

  “Why is he so into her?” Mads said. “Do you think it’s the lip-licking?”

  “Stop watching them, Mads,” Holly said. “It’s not polite.”

  “Why not?” Mads said. “They’re kissing right out in the open, in front of everybody. If they don’t want people to watch, they can get a room.”

  “I can’t watch and eat at the same time,” Lina said, dropping her turkey sandwich.

  But Mads couldn’t tear her eyes away. Animal magnetism— she’d heard of that before. But what was it? Why was it so powerful? And how did you get it?

  “She must be a great kisser,” she said, more to herself than to anyone else. Quintana tilted up her chin, gave Holter’s nose a quick lick, then twisted her head to the side. Holter closed his eyes. He looked as if he were in heaven.

  I wonder what Stephen looks like when we’re kissing? Mads thought. She didn’t know because she usually had her eyes closed. (Did he?) But somehow she doubted he was in heaven. If you were in heaven, would you suddenly leave for some lame reason like something was poking your butt? No, you’d try to stay as long as you could no matter what, ignoring any silly distractions.