A Girl by Any Other Name

by MK Schiller

  “Just promise me you’ll be careful.” Usually our conversations were lighter than this, but she stared me down with complete conviction in those brown eyes, waiting for an answer.

  “I’m not the one wandering around the woods in the dead of night.” It was my way of warning her.

  She put her hand on my arm. Her voice wavered, shifting into a soft whisper. “I can’t sleep at night and it helps me. Sometimes I get so scared that it actually hurts. I feel it in my bones, like they might crack open any minute, breaking my insides apart.”

  I shifted my pole and reached for her hand. I hadn’t quite comprehended the value of hugging. “Maybe you should pray on it. Pastor Morrison says that prayer can solve a lot of problems.”

  “You really think that will work?” she asked dubiously.

  I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know for sure. I don’t pray right myself.”

  She frowned, wrinkling her nose. “How can you pray wrong?”

  “Momma says I do it wrong all the time.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  I sighed, staring up at the blue sky. “She always asks me what I prayed for. The first time she asked, I told her it was for a new bike and football cleats. She got real mad and said ‘Son, you are praying to God, not Santa Claus’.” I used my best Amelia Tanner impression, and the edges of Sylvie’s mouth curved upward.

  “That sounds like your momma.”

  “Yeah, but I guess I didn’t learn my lesson because I asked her what I should pray for then. She said I should pray to be a better person.”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  “That’s what I thought too. I started praying that I could throw the football longer and run faster so I could make the team in high school.”

  Sylvie cupped her hand to her mouth to cover her laugh. I didn’t care. I wanted to make her laugh, even if it was at my expense. “What did she say?”

  “She got pretty mad and said that’s not what she meant. She told me I was being selfish and since I couldn’t pray for myself correctly, I should pray for someone else.”

  “Who did you pray for?”

  I stared down at the lake. “I prayed for Mandy.”

  “That’s so sweet.”

  “Yeah, I asked God to make her less annoying.”

  Sylvie cracked up so much I was sure she’d run all the fish away, but I didn’t care. It was one of the best feelings in the world to make this girl laugh. “You didn’t.”

  “I did, but at least now I know what I need to pray on.”

  “What’s that, Cal?”

  I squeezed her hand, noticing how hypnotic her eyes were. “I’ll pray that you’re not scared anymore, Sylvie.”

  She was quiet for a minute and I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. Then she whispered, “Thank you.”

  I let go of her hand before she got too mushy on me. “You can pray that I run faster and throw the ball harder.” She stared at me curiously. “It’s not selfish if someone else is doing the praying for you.”

  Chapter Four

  Present day

  “Good morning, folks. Please pass your essays up to Jessica. Today, I want to know what you found out about each other and possibly yourselves. Who’d like to start?”

  Melanie Adams started. It wasn’t surprising. She was crushing on me. I wasn’t vain, but I’d grown accustomed to this. I was a young instructor, teaching a class on literature, which consisted of many passages of romantic prose. There were a handful of girls every semester like Melanie Adams who applied fresh lipstick before my class, sat in the front row in tight sweaters and always made sure they had the right answers.

  “I got The Great Gatsby, Professor. I’ve read it before so I already knew all about it.”

  “Just for clarification, I’m an instructor, not a professor.”

  “What’s the difference?” she asked.

  “A chance for tenure, the word ‘doctor’ before my name and thirty thousand dollars.” A few students chuckled. Some just seemed confused. “I’m still working toward my PhD. Please go on, Miss Adams. Tell me, what character traits would you attribute to a person who loved such a novel?”

  “They’re a hopeless romantic.”

  “I would have to disagree. I believe it was a tragedy, not a romance.”

  And so the discussion continued. I kept staring at the back of the lecture hall, trying to get a better look at the girl in the baseball hat, but my view was obstructed by all the tall guys who chose to sit in front of her. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t one of those instructors who put students on the spot, but this time I made an exception.

  “Miss Sophie Becker, can you please let us know what your essay was about?”

  “Herman Melville’s Moby Dick.” She said it barely louder than a whisper in a shaky voice. Was it just nerves at being picked at random, or something more?

  “Tell us what you would assume about a person who is a Melville fan. And please speak up this time.”

  “It’s a classic book.”

  “So I’ve been told,” I replied dryly. “Miss Becker, would you feel more comfortable answering the question from my podium?” I never used the podium. I felt like a tool whenever I stood behind it. But maybe the threat was enough to coax a real answer from this girl.

  “No,” she said quickly, her voice infused with panic.

  “Then turn up the volume and answer the question,” I demanded through clenched teeth.

  “I think the person who chose it would most likely be a man who enjoys love stories.”

  I smiled at the interpretation. “You consider Moby Dick a romance? I would take even more exception to that than Gatsby. Tell me, Miss Becker, how a book about an obsessive, tyrannical man in pursuit of a whale could be considered romantic?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

  “That’s not an acceptable response, Miss Becker. There are no wrong answers, but your theory requires further clarification so we can properly analyze it. At this level, I expect my students to justify their reactions to the written word.”

  “The search for the whale was symbolic. The man was never really looking for it.” Her voice was monotone, almost like she was masking it…or maybe she was just bored.

  “If not the whale, what was he searching for with such desperation?” I challenged.

  “His salvation, his spirit, his will to live. The whale was a metaphor for his peace, but it was a wasted effort since Moby Dick couldn’t provide the catharsis he desired.”

  “Why is that?”

  “He thought he was seeking revenge, but he was really just repenting.”

  “In order to repent, you have to commit a sin.”

  “That’s not true. You just have to be remorseful and he was.”

  “Excuse me, that’s my book, and I’d like to add—”

  I held my hand up to quiet the lanky kid in the second row. “Please continue, Miss Becker.”

  “That’s all.”

  I wanted to ask her more, but the class was almost over, and I could tell by Jessica’s suspicious glances that I was making a scene.

  “Next week, I want you all to write about your favorite piece of literature and what it says about you as a person. It’s always an interesting exercise to compare the notes. Also, you’ll need to finish the first five chapters of Virginia Woolf’s Mrs Dalloway.” I stared toward the back. Why did she sit so far away? It was pure torture. If she wouldn’t let me see her, maybe I could figure out another way to satisfy the burning in my gut every time she spoke. “Also, I want you to read the poem The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe and write a one-page essay on it.”

  “That’s not in the syllabus,” the curly-haired joker-type kid said.

  Damn. Someone had actually read the syllabus?

  “First off…Mr…”

  “Adkins. Roy Adkins.”

  “Thank you, Roy Adkins. Please raise your hand if
you wish to address the class. As for your point, you are correct. It’s not in the syllabus. However, it is a very short poem and definitely worthy of your attention.”

  Roy Adkins sighed in frustration.

  “Class dismissed.”

  This time, I bounded out of the room before Jessica or Melanie Adams intercepted me. I stood in the corner of the hallway and watched as the students trailed out. I was getting a good look today. Unfortunately, my class and the one next door let out at the same time. They merged, cramming the narrow hallway. I only caught a glimpse of her.

  She wore that damn cap again, but her hair was that perfect shade of brown highlighted with strands of honey. She had wide sunglasses on too, shielding her eyes from me, making me more suspicious. She had a nice figure—slim waist with wide hips and long legs perfectly displayed in her fitted frayed jeans and white cotton shirt tied in a knot at the front. No Converse, but I loved the high sandals that capped her feet. She definitely didn’t dress like Sylvie, but there was something in the graceful way she moved that flooded me with memories.

  My heart stammered in my chest so hard that I had to lean against the wall for support. Is it my Sylvie? My Lenore? I restrained myself from grabbing her arm, snatching off those sunglasses and releasing her hair from the baseball cap. It was a surefire way to get myself canned or grant me a one-way hall pass to a psychiatric hospital. I sympathized with my old friend Edgar Poe.

  I was searching for a dead girl after all.

  Chapter Five

  Excerpt from Raven Girl

  Age 12

  “Come on, Tanner, we have to roll,” Nate yelled, hopping on his Schwinn.

  We’d stopped at Walmart to grab a few sodas before heading out to the high school. It was necessary to get to the football game as early as possible or the good seats would be gone, making it difficult to study the plays as effectively. We dreamed of owning that field in a few years, so we took our football very seriously, although some of us were more interested in watching the cheerleaders. I had to admit there were a few times when I’d gotten a glimpse of what I was sure was pussy, so I couldn’t say I never looked.

  One thing about living in Texas, you always knew what you were doing most weekends. Friday nights everyone attended the high school football game. Saturdays were chores, barbeques and pick-up games of football. Sundays were church followed by watching more football, but on television this time. In the spring, we did the same thing but changed it to baseball.

  Nate stared at me impatiently. Typically, all the guys would be following my bike tracks, but I was loitering, unable to stop staring at her. She sat by herself on the bench outside the store, alternating between playing with the buttons on her black lace dress and twisting a strand of her long hair.

  “I’ll meet up with y’all.”

  “You know I can’t save you a seat. It’s gonna be a full house.” Nate wanted to get what we called the sweet spot. It was three-quarters of the way down the center bleachers, and afforded us an opportunity to view the cheerleaders and easily observe the game. We weren’t obsessed with girls yet, but we were very curious.

  “Then don’t,” I replied more forcefully.

  Nate stood in front of me then followed my gaze to Sylvie. He sighed with clear irritation. “You don’t want to come so you can hang out with the freak?”

  My fists clenched and I fought the urge to kick his ass. My dad was the sheriff and Nate’s dad was the mayor so it wouldn’t do me or my ass any good to punch him. Plus, he was my best friend. “You call her that again and you’re going to see just how powerful my throwing arm is.”

  Nate stared at me for a few seconds, shaking his acne-ridden face, before riding off with the rest of our friends. I made my way to the bench and sat next her. As usual, she didn’t acknowledge me right away. We didn’t need the pretense of conversation to create comfort. It was just there.

  “What’s wrong?” I finally asked.

  “Nothing,” she replied.

  “What happened to you at school?” She hadn’t been in class in the afternoon.

  “I had to go to the nurse’s office.”

  “Are you sick?”

  She laughed. “Not exactly.”

  “Then what?”

  “I have to buy something and I’m sort of nervous.”

  I chuckled. “Is your daddy having you buy his booze now?” It was a mean thing to say, but I’d decided a long time ago that I didn’t like Mr Cranston very much.

  “Very funny.” She turned to me, flashing me with brown eyes, wide and bright with anger.

  “Sorry.”

  “Just for that, you’re coming with me.”

  I didn’t want to, but I nodded. Whatever she had to buy was really upsetting her. I didn’t like seeing her like this. “Fine, because if we keep sitting out here, we’ll get in trouble for loitering.”

  We walked into the store. I stepped aside so she could lead the way. When she stopped in the middle of an aisle in the back of the store, studying the rows of brightly colored plastic packages and cardboard boxes, my stomach churned.

  “Girl, are you crazy?” I asked, walking away. She grabbed my arm.

  “Just stay here.” She said it with a desperate plea in her voice—the one that got me to do the weirdest things.

  “What the hell for?” I demanded, feeling duped into this chore.

  “Because I need you to.” That was all she had to say. This was the last place in the world I’d ever want to be, but here I was…because she needed me.

  She stared at all the choices, raising her eyebrows in confusion. How did she not know what to get? I thought girls just knew this stuff like birds knew how to fly. The queasiness got stronger, and I worried I might puke at any minute. How would I explain that when they came to clean up the aisle?

  “Why are there so many choices?”

  “Who cares? Just pick one so we can go.”

  “I don’t want to get the wrong thing.”

  “Jesus, girl, make up your mind already,” I grumbled in a hushed whisper. The last thing I wanted was for someone to find me in this particular aisle. My only consolation was that it was currently devoid of people.

  She didn’t make a decision, choosing to torture me instead by reading every label. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to decide if I should run or stay. I’d never been so uneasy in my life. Finally, I picked up the largest box that said ‘extra absorbent’ on it and chucked it at her head.

  “Ouch, what did you do that for?” she asked, rubbing her face.

  “Take that one and let’s go, now!”

  She picked it up and I grabbed her hand before she could do any more comparison shopping.

  “Wait,” she said, stopping as we almost neared the end of the aisle.

  I sighed. “What now?”

  “We should buy some more stuff. I don’t want it to be too obvious.” She chewed on her lower lip, and her hands trembled so much I thought she might drop the package.

  She was embarrassed about this too. I nodded at her. “Yeah, you owe me some candy or something after this shit.”

  I went to grab a basket. By the time I returned, she was in the candy aisle, clutching the box against her chest. I held out the basket for her. She carefully placed the item with the picture of pearls on it inside as if she was handling a live grenade. Why did it have pearls on it? I didn’t want to know. I flung bags of Laffy Taffy, gummy worms, Snickers and licorice rope, concealing it. She added a bag of chocolate kisses, gingerly placing them on top of my pile like she was building a house of cards.

  “This is why you went to the nurse, right?” I asked as we headed to the checkout.

  “Yeah, I got my period.”

  I pressed my hand against her mouth. “Jesus, girl, don’t say it out loud.”

  She laughed against my palm, tickling me with her breath. I dropped my arm, surprised how soft her lips felt. “Well, it’s what happened. The nurse gave me some stuff, but I need to buy more.”

>   “Why didn’t you tell your dad?”

  “He would have freaked out.” Somehow, I couldn’t imagine Mr Cranston freaking out, but I also doubted he would have helped her. He seemed content to ignore her existence.

  “Cal, will you check us out?” she asked timidly, staring at the lines.

  “You want me to buy this?” I asked as if it was an illegal item. I thought it might be in this case.

  She smiled coyly. “Let’s do it together.” I shook my head in disbelief, even though she was completely serious. “It’s just that it’s all boys cashiering or Mona Simms, and you know she’s super nosy. I don’t want her to ask me questions.”

  She was right. Mona Simms’ other part-time job was local gossip collector. Sylvie and her father were curious inhabitants of our small town, which peaked Miss Simms’ insatiable prying. Hell, when they’d first moved here, Miss Simms had made public pleas for any information about them, reasoning that it was good for all of us to know who are neighbors were.

  I scanned the checkout. Mike Turner was manning one and Stan Watkins the other. This was no good. Mike’s parents played poker with mine. Stan Watkins was a senior at the high school, and the last thing I wanted was to be a product of Prairie Marsh High’s rumor factory before I even got there. Therefore, I had to settle for the lesser of three evils and go for the only viable choice…Mona Simms.

  I threw our items on the conveyer belt, strategically hiding that blue and white box under a mountain of sugary sweets. It was a dumb idea, because it only made it more obvious. Sylvie stood close behind me, trying to be invisible as she always was. It was funny how she managed to do that while wearing ill-fitting clothes and white powder, but she was typically successful.

  I’d heard adults trying to rationalize her reasoning with false tones of concern. They’d assumed she was on drugs or craving attention. I’d even heard some suggest her daddy knew her more intimately than a father should. My mother and father always defended the Cranstons. A stern warning from my parents carried enough weight so that the loud voices became hushed slithering murmurs, but they were no less hurtful.