A Girl by Any Other Name

by MK Schiller

  What could I say? That I loved Sylvie? That she made my heart stammer, my pulse quicken and my brain work in crazy ways? Then Momma wouldn’t let it go.

  “She’s very special to me.” I stroked Sylvie’s hair, unable to resist touching her. “Tell me about you, Momma.”

  “She must be special, since you’ve never mentioned a girl to me since—” She halted and I knew why. Momma didn’t mention Sylvie’s name anymore. I think she did it because she knew it pained me.

  “I know. You don’t have to worry about me. I want to know how y’all are doing,” I asked again.

  “I really wish you’d come down for Thanksgiving. There is someone I want you to meet.”

  “Who?”

  “The man I’m dating.”

  I shot straight up in the bed, pulling the covers with me. “Who is he?”

  “Remember Paul Casper?”

  “Him? He can’t even hold down a job.”

  “Calm down, Cal. It’s not him. It’s his brother, Alan.”

  “I don’t know an Alan Casper.”

  “I went to high school with him. He moved out of town for college, but he’s back now.”

  I wasn’t naïve enough to believe my mother didn’t date. She was an attractive woman after all, but she’d never been serious enough to want me to meet any of her dates. “Has Mandy met him?”

  “Yes, she likes him, and I think you will too. He’s a very nice man.”

  “He better be if he wants to date my momma. If he’s anything like his brother then I don’t approve.”

  I imagined her shaking her head through the phone. “He’s very nice.”

  “What does he do for a living? Why did he move out of town? Why is he back?”

  “I wasn’t expecting an inquisition.”

  “I’m sorry, but if he’s dating you then he needs to meet certain standards.”

  She sighed. “He’s a dentist. He’s opening a practice here so now we don’t have to drive forty-five minutes to get our teeth cleaned. He’s a very nice man.”

  “Then why isn’t he already married?”

  “Cal, you seriously need to get a hold of yourself! He’s divorced if you must know.”

  “Why is that?”

  “I didn’t ask him, but since you’re so curious I’d suggest you come home for Thanksgiving so you can meet him.”

  “Did Daddy like him when y’all were in high school?”

  “What does that matter?”

  “Because my father was a good judge of character and his approval holds a lot of weight with me.”

  “Yes, we were all friends.” Her voice grew softer and I felt guilty bringing it up.

  “I’m sorry, Momma, I just don’t want you to get hurt or be taken advantage of. There are many men out there who prey on women like you.”

  “Cal, you need to trust my judgment. Do you think your momma’s a fool?”

  “No, ma’am. She’s a smart, capable woman, who raised a son that will beat any man’s ass that dares hurt her.”

  She chuckled. “You’ve always been a protector. It’s in your blood. I’ll be fine. Please think about coming home, you hear me?”

  “Okay,” I said to appease her. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, son. And tell that girl that she better be treating you right or she’ll be hearing from your momma.”

  I hung up the phone and felt Sylvie’s small hands kneading my shoulders. I leaned back against her chest.

  “You miss them a lot, don’t you?” she asked.

  “They’re fine, Sylvie.”

  “You didn’t answer my question, but I’ll let it go. I think you should go home for the holidays. They miss you too. I’ll be fine. I’ve spent a lot of holidays by myself.”

  “Not anymore.” I took her hand, kissing it. “I’m right where I should be. End of subject, okay?”

  “’Kay.”

  The truth was, I wanted my family back together. I wanted all of us in one place, especially Sylvie.

  * * * *

  She made me barbecue brisket and homemade ice tea like Momma did. She did it as a non-verbal gesture to convince me to go home. How did she not understand? There was no way I could enjoy a holiday with my family knowing she was alone and in danger. Neither of us talked about it, opting to watch a movie. She fell asleep on the couch, so I carried her to bed, deciding that watching her was better than any movie.

  Sylvie asleep in my bed was still a surreal feeling, except tonight she stirred and shifted. The panicked shriek that followed signaled a nightmare. She hadn’t had one since I’d found her. She began shaking, like she was crying, but no tears came. I gently shook her shoulder, kissing her cheek, whispering reassurances to coax her awake.

  As soon as she opened her eyes, her mouth dropped and her eyes widened with terror. She wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to me. I rolled us over so she was on top of me. I stroked her hair, trying to comfort her. “Hey, you’re okay. You just had a dream, sweetheart.” She didn’t answer. She gripped me as if I was a high ledge she was hanging onto. ”Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “It might help.”

  “I said no.” Hot tears rolled off her chin onto my chest. I pulled her away from me so I could look at her face.

  She surprised me by pressing her lips against mine. She rolled her tongue over my lips causing me to instantly go hard. I opened my mouth for her. We were both embraced in each other. I rolled us over again so I was on top of her. “Sylvie, what are you doing?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Talk to me, baby,” I said, gripping her arms and holding her slightly away from me so she would look at me.

  “I may not be talking, but I’m definitely communicating. Will you please listen? I need you, Cal.”

  That was enough for me. I returned her kisses, but there was something hungry and desperate in her touch. It was almost feral, and it caused me to match her motions. I pressed my mouth against her neck, licking her salty skin, moving down the familiar path. She shifted up, and I lifted my T-shirt off her and rolled down her panties. I kissed her again, letting her dominate me. She took my bottom lip inside her mouth, slowly manipulating it. I did the same with her top lip. Our tongues danced and darted, our breathing sped up and our hands explored each other.

  “I need you inside of me,” she said with desperation.

  Her fingers roamed down my chest, into the waistband of my boxers, grasping my erection. She stroked me in her delicate hands, forming a tight circle with her fingers, moving up and down my length. I groaned in response. I eased inside her with my fingers, shocked at how slick she was. I pushed her legs apart and took both her hands, holding them above her head. I moved inside her and began thrusting. Our mutual need was too great and I found myself propelling deeply with carefree abandon, feeling the tightness of her walls embrace and welcome me. Her legs encircled my hips, rubbing against my ass. Her soft body became wetter with every movement while my hard body became even harder.

  “You feel so perfect,” I stammered between breaths. A small, annoying thought crept into my mind about why she felt extra incredible right now, but I quickly shoved it away.

  “Fuck me hard, Cal.”

  The words were my undoing. “Baby, please tell me you’re close because I am. I am going to come so fucking hard inside of you.”

  Her arms tightened around my shoulders. I lifted her ass off the bed, going even deeper, rocking into her with every part of my anatomy. Our bodies moved in rhythmic pleasure, aided by the moist sheen of sweat that glistened on our skin. “Don’t let go of me,” I warned her.

  “I won’t,” she moaned. I meant it in the physical sense, but I knew her response was emotional.

  “I love you,” I said.

  She nodded in reply. I shook my head, my words coming out like a harsh garbled command. “I need the words, baby. Say them.”

  “I love you, Cal. I am yours.”

  With that I could
n’t contain it anymore. “Tell me you’re close ’cause I sure the fuck am.”

  “Oh, God, yes,” she screamed, rolling her head back. She tightened, shivered and released her climax. I buried my face into her neck, moving once more before I came hard and fast, filling her with my seed.

  Fuck.

  I rolled off her, lying next to her for a few seconds, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. We were both covered in sweat and breathing heavily, but I managed to stumble to the bathroom to get her a damp towel. I turned on the hallway light so I would be able to see her. I sat on the edge of the bed and wiped her down.

  “You’ve never done this before,” she said, staring at me.

  I discarded the towel in the laundry basket. I kissed her, gently. “What was your dream about?”

  “That night, except in my dream you died.”

  “I’m right here and so are you. I’m sorry you had a nightmare, but I loved the consequences of it.”

  “Yeah, I guess I just lost control. I was pretty caught up in the moment.”

  “We both were in the moment. So much so that neither of us remembered the condom.”

  She cupped her hand to her mouth, blinking rapidly. I took her hand to calm her. “I promise I’m clean. I’ve been tested and…”

  “I’m not worried about that.” She sat up, pulling her long legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. Her hair fell over her, covering her like a mask.

  “Are you mad at me for this?” I pushed the long curly strands out of the way, wanting to understand why she looked so upset.

  “It was definitely my fault too. Probably more so than yours.”

  “Then what are you worried about?”

  “What if I get pregnant, Cal?”

  I put a hand on each side of her face and lifted it so she was looking at me, and clearly seeing my smile. “Then we deal with it. It would be a happy surprise.” She didn’t reply. I frowned, moving back to my side of the bed, hoping she would clue me into whatever it was she needed to hear right now.

  She pressed her hands to my chest, crawling over me, but there was nothing sexual about it. She was panicked. “How can you say that?”

  “How can you not?” I asked pointedly. She looked close to tears, though, so I turned the tight grimness I was feeling into a soft smile for her benefit. I clasped her arms. “We talked about this kind of thing once, remember? The pulling out method,” I said, trying to calm her, but it seemed to have no effect.

  She furrowed her brow. “Yes, but you didn’t pull out, did you?”

  “Sylvie, I realize the timing isn’t great and it wouldn’t be the ideal order of things, but I assure you, if you ended up pregnant I would be a very happy man.”

  She shook her head. “You don’t understand. Bringing a baby into our already complicated lives…well, that’s just really irresponsible.” She moved her legs over, and got on her side with her back toward me.

  I was fighting the urge not to give in to the frustration I felt with her statement. I lay back in bed, staring at the ceiling for a minute, trying to get the rampant thoughts in my head in order. “What the fuck are we doing?”

  She turned to me. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…this thing we have feels so perfect. So right, and yet so stagnant too. Maybe it’s too soon to say this, but I’ve never held back with you, not even when we were kids, so I’m just going to tell you what I’m feeling. I want to have babies with you…lots of them. I hope to God they’re all as beautiful, smart and kind as you. Frankly, it really makes me sad that you don’t share those feelings. I want to take you home to meet my family or re-meet them. At least then they can stop worrying so much about me. They miss you too, you know. I want us to belong to each other in every way two people are tied, but it’s like we can’t get past this fucking line. Like we’re living in purgatory.”

  She rubbed my shoulder, peering over me. “Cal, of course I want your babies, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to have children…at least not right now. Honestly, I don’t know if I will change my mind on that. I don’t want to put another life in danger, especially not a child. I’m so sorry. I never wanted this for you. I swear it. Besides the risks of being with me, I never wanted you to make these sacrifices because I know first-hand how unfair they are. I wanted you to have a normal relationship and do all of those things that real people do. That’s the other reason I never dated you in high school. That I stayed away all these years. I wanted you to have all the things you deserved.”

  She was crying and I felt like a complete idiot. This girl had never had anything normal, not even her name. I had just successfully fed into all her self-doubts and guilt about us, justifying those feelings for her.

  I turned to her, but she had her back to me now. I knew she was trying to hide her tears. “Sylvie, please look at me. I need you to look at me when I say this to you.”

  She turned, lying flat on her back. She tried wiping away the tears, but I got there first, kissing them away. “Baby, I’ve told you I love you with all the adjectives that exist in my vocabulary. But let me tell you this, those sacrifices you’re talking about, I understand your reasoning. I can live with them and you’re right, we can’t have a baby right now. So we’ll get you the morning-after pill tomorrow and pray that you’re not pregnant, okay?” She didn’t reply. “One thing that I’m not willing to sacrifice is you.” I buried my face into her neck, not wanting her to see the tears that were threatening to form at the corners of my eyes. “I can’t handle losing you again. Please don’t leave me, okay?”

  She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed my cheek. “We don’t have to get the pill. We’ll just pray. I love you, Tex. Let’s go to sleep.”

  I fell asleep in her arms, feeling the comfort that only she provided me.

  It wasn’t until the next morning that the dread set in.

  She had never answered my question.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “‘Look, darlin’, it’s Johnny Ringo. Deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say.’” Tony greeted me with the Tombstone quote, bumping Molly’s shoulder. We often quoted Tombstone since we both liked it so much. He motioned the waitress for another round.

  “‘Why, it’s the drunk piano player. You’re so drunk, you can’t hit nothin’. In fact, you’re probably seeing double,’” I replied, adding my own quote. I shook his hand. “How come you always get to be Doc Holliday?”

  He smiled. “’Cause I’m the hero.”

  “I think Wyatt Earp was the hero.”

  “It’s debatable.”

  “Hey, Molly,” I greeted, before taking up residence in my usual seat.

  “You’ve been avoiding us,” she replied with iciness in her tone that I wasn’t used to.

  “I’ve been busy.” I hoped she would let it go at that. I should have known better. They had both texted and called me and I had been avoiding them. We usually met up every week like clockwork, but I had bailed on them since finding Sylvie. I didn’t want to give up a minute with her. The only reason I was here at all was because she needed to finish one of her portraits tonight and she insisted I get out of her hair.

  “Busy with your new girl?” Tony asked. Damn, I wasn’t sure if he was drunk or it had just slipped his mind, but I’d asked him not to bring it up in front of Molly. It wasn’t that I was hiding that I was in love, but I knew it would only hurt her. Molly had pretty much laid her heart out for me, and I couldn’t reciprocate those feelings.

  Molly sat straighter in her chair, and leaned into the table. “You’re dating someone?”

  Fuck.

  “Oh no, Molls, our boy’s in love,” Tony replied with a grin. I kicked him under the table.

  “I’m seeing someone. Want to play pool?”

  “Is it serious?” she asked with a false hope in her voice that made me feel guilty.

  I’d been very clear from the start that I was still in love with the girl I’d met when I wa
s ten. At first Molly had thought it was cute, endearing, as women often did. She’d said we could be casual. Then she had wanted more, so we’d become exclusive. I hadn’t minded because I genuinely liked her company, but I’d always been clear that my heart belonged to someone else. After a while, Molly hadn’t been able to handle it. I’d tried breaking up with her, apologizing to her, letting her know how special she was, but that whole ‘it’s me, not you’ deal never worked. Molly was a sweet girl with a nurturing heart, and a bubbly personality, and after several weeks of being pissed at me, she’d asked if we could remain friends.

  I’d been cautious about the arrangement, but we were both lonely so we’d kept each other company. Occasionally our friendship had spilled into quick, dirty sex when one of us needed it. The friends-with-benefits angle had satisfied my physical cravings and her longings, but in the end, it hadn’t been fair to her. She deserved so much more than someone who couldn’t return her feelings.

  The last time she’d cried afterwards. That was a few months ago, and I’d told her we couldn’t do this anymore. She had still wanted to be friends, though, and my selfish self had agreed, because I really needed a friend. Our relationship was dysfunctional, maybe even delusional, but it worked. There had been other sexual encounters, but Molly was my only relationship besides Sylvie.

  Fuck.

  What the hell was Sylvie going to think about me hanging out with my ex-girlfriend? I hadn’t even thought about it when I’d agreed to meet them. This was new territory for me. What would I think if Sylvie did this? I’d be pissed as hell. I couldn’t dwell on it too long because both Molly and Tony were staring at me, expecting an answer.

  “Very serious.” I knew she wanted more information, but I wasn’t about to give it to her.

  “How long?”

  “Does it matter, Molly?”

  “Yes, it does, Caleb. It matters to me. How long?” She swigged the rest of her beer with the skill of a sailor on shore leave. She wiped her mouth and stared at me.

  “Almost a month.”

  “Well, glad to see that you’re finally letting go of your past.” The plied sugariness in her voice left more of a bitter aftertaste than the beer I was drinking. She twirled her blonde hair in her fingers, giving me the evil eye, and I suddenly wished I were anywhere but here.