Faking It

by Nikki Bella

  I can’t remember which book it was, but I read once that it was better to do a thing than to be scared of it. I was scared to talk to him, but I was even more afraid of losing my self-respect. No matter what my dad said, or what justification Braden thought he had, part of me was just done with letting other people make decisions for me and tell me how I should feel.

  I felt heartbroken, but I felt pissed off, too. I deserved a man who didn’t lash out like a child. Sure, there was probably more to the story, but not everything needs context. There were more than a few sides to most people as well, but that didn’t mean that every side had to be tolerated and accepted.

  Tough talk, Alyssa. I thought I was right, but I had to call Chantelle. The first thing I did in that conversation was tell her that I was sorry for how absent I had been. My time with Braden had been an all-consuming black hole. Nice for the most part, but not something I had dipped in and out of.

  Not surprisingly, Chantelle had seen the video.

  “I wanted to make sure you called me first,” she said. “I figured you had a lot to process.”

  This was a level of insight for Chantelle that I did find surprising. Oh hell, we both loved to gossip, I was no better than she was. “Your restraint is admirable,” I said.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I need to call him,” I said. “We have to talk.”

  “And say what?”

  “Not sure. Maybe nothing. Maybe I need to call him just to hang up on him.” Yeah, I’m sure that would just destroy him. He would spend the rest of time wallowing, whining about the time when Alyssa Edwards hung up on him. Yep.

  “Ha! Do it. Maybe, if you’re going to talk to him again in the future, maybe the real conversation isn’t the first one. Maybe it’s a couple of times away. Just go with your gut.”

  My gut was telling me to throw up. My gut was telling me that I should be in tears. My gut was telling me that I wanted to throttle Braden and put an end to his fighting career once and for all. The best way to do that would probably have been just to tell my dad. He would have had Braden out on his ass in the blink of an eye.

  But I wanted to figure this one out for myself. I couldn’t let my dad do everything for me. Not forever.

  After a couple of drinks with Chantelle, I went home. Dad was out somewhere so I had the place to myself. After wandering through a few rooms like Citizen Kane, I laid on my bed upstairs and entertained a brief fantasy of Braden throwing pebbles at my window. I would open them and give him a piece of my mind. He would be abject and apologetic, then I would throw down a rope and he would come up and tell me it was okay.

  Some fantasy. He was probably out with one of the bimbos from the video. I had been a fool to think I could trust him. I focused on the pain, telling myself that it would remind me of how stupid I had been the next time I believed something a handsome, pushy, unstable man told me. No matter how attracted I was to Braden, he was never going to be who I needed.

  I had been crying for a few minutes, staring at my phone but unwilling to make the call, when I heard the doorbell ring.

  Figuring it was just a package—my dad basically had all of the city’s independent booksellers on speed dial—I brought my face back to something like non-crying normalcy and went downstairs.

  When I opened the door Braden was on the porch.

  Chapter 10

  It had been a hard day. I had taken a few steps that I was happy about, but none of it was going to undo the idiocy I had caused at the hotel.

  Braden Dean, my tombstone would say one day: Could not get out of his own way.

  I sat in Alyssa’s driveway for several minutes before walking up and ringing the doorbell. It would have been so simple to turn around, find another woman, and drive away to my new life, whatever that would mean. My agent had assured me that the video would blow over. It would even lend an edge to my image. Notoriety was easy to play up, and in the coming showdown with Vlad it would make for great press. Taciturn killer tangles with hothead bad boy womanizer idiot who can’t get out of his own way.

  In any case, I knew how short people’s attention spans were. That video would be replaced by another video. Within a week people would have something else to fuss over and I would fade from their memory until it was fight time.

  I didn’t want to fight with Alyssa, and I didn’t want to get defensive. For the first time in my life, I wanted to own my mistakes and take my lumps like a man.

  That said, the walk to the door still felt like it was a trek across the Himalayas. Or maybe to the moon. It was a long, long way, and my heart grew heavier with each step. Maybe I had actually lost something precious to me. I would know soon. Too soon.

  When Alyssa opened the door I lit up with what I hoped was a big smile. It faded when I saw that she had obviously been crying. I have never felt like such a piece of shit. If someone else had made her cry I would have snapped his neck. Maybe she needed protecting from me, and the only way I could be sure was to leave her alone for good. But I had to try.

  “Alyssa,” I said, “I know you must hate me right now.”

  She crossed her arms and nodded. “I think you might really be underestimating how I feel about you right now, but nice try.” But she wasn’t slamming the door in my face, so I soldiered on.

  “And that’s okay. Even if you never speak to me again, I need you to know that, however much you think you hate me right now, I hate myself a lot worse. A lot of people say they’re their own worst critics, but they don’t have a clue how other people actually feel about them. I am definitely my own harshest critic. I have barely slept since we talked. I can’t eat, I don’t want to train, it’s all falling apart, and the responsibility is completely mine.”

  Alyssa was softening. Her posture hadn’t changed but her eyes were no longer shooting daggers at me. Kindness was built into some people. Forgiveness as well. God how had I been so stupid?

  “Here’s the thing,” I said. “Whenever I’ve messed up before, I don’t even try to stop it. I see it coming and I don’t care. I messed up again, but I fought it that entire afternoon. Even when I was there. Because all I could think about was you.”

  “How am I supposed to feel about that?” she said. “You tried, sort of, then gave in anyway, for me?”

  That let the air out of me but I knew she was right. “Fair enough. I’m just saying that it’s progress. And if the progress is too slow for you, I understand. I will probably always be a work in progress and I have to make my peace with that. But I will always keep trying to get better, for you.”

  Alyssa wiped her eyes. “I just couldn’t believe it. I missed you so much. I couldn’t wait to talk to you and see you again. When I did...that’s how it happened. Like you were someone I’d never known or met. Honestly Braden, it made me wonder all over again if you’d just been playing me the whole time.”

  I wanted to hug her but had no idea how she would react if I tried to touch her. “I’m not that good of an actor, Alyssa,” I said. “I’ve never even tried to act like I loved someone before. I wouldn’t even know how to start.”

  Her head snapped up. “What do you mean like you loved someone?” She bit her lip. I really hoped I hadn’t said the wrong thing. “I love you” gets tossed out there far too quickly, by far too many people. It can even be used to manipulate someone, or as the key to their cage as long as they’re willing to stay with someone who’s no good, but who will say those three little words.

  I couldn’t help it. I swept her up in my arms and squeezed her. She stiffened, then put her hands on my back. “I love you,” I said. “I know it. I never knew what it felt like. Now I do. And I know it mainly because now I’ve learned what it feels like to lose someone you love.”

  She pushed me back a little so she could look up at me. “I don’t think you’ve lost me. Some things have to be different. And clear. But I don’t think this has to be it if you mean what you say.”

  “If I knew how to convince you with word
s, I would say them,” I said. “But I’m just going to have to show you. I know it will take time to regain your trust, but that’s what I want, if you’ll give me time.”

  She started to say more but stopped at the sound of footsteps somewhere behind her. Her eyes widened. “Go,” she hissed. “I’ll come find you later.”

  But it was too late. Mason had come up from the basement and was standing behind his daughter.

  “Braden!” he said. “I didn’t know you were here! Alyssa, show him in, I was about to make dinner! I heard about the fight!” he said. “We’ve got a lot of work to do!”

  “I told him you weren’t here, dad,” said Alyssa. “Where were you?”

  “Downstairs. I’ve been putting in some soundproofing on one of the rooms. Considering getting a music setup down there, but wouldn’t want it to deafen anyone upstairs. I’ve had my eye on a Les Paul Epiphone guitar down at the store. Are you guys okay?”

  My heart was hammering. “So,” I said. “Have you…”

  He sidestepped Alyssa and punched me lightly in the chest. “I saw the video. Can’t say I’m impressed, Braden, but you already know that. We need to put that behind us for now and work. Looks like, ultimately, no harm was done. Maybe just to your pride. I don’t like the promotional side of things, but your agent will find a way to make this work for you, I’m sure. You’ll probably have a bunch of movie offers soon. Every action movie needs a hothead who can’t hold his liquor, right? Alyssa, drag him inside, will you? I also want to hear about how the interview wrapped up.”

  “Coach…”

  “Braden, this is no time for you to beat yourself up. I appreciate the remorse you obviously feel, but we need to compartmentalize. Vlad deserves your undivided attention. So does your long-term health, for that matter.”

  “I’m not taking the fight,” I blurted out.

  Their heads swiveled to me in unison. “What?” they both said.

  Better to just do it. “I have to tell you something. Both of you. Something about my plans. I…did something today.”

  Mason stepped back and cocked his head. He watched me like he was a scientist with a clipboard, detached, simply waiting to observe the behavior of his latest subject. “Define ‘did something.’”

  “I didn’t come here to see you, coach,” I said. “I’m here to see Alyssa.” I reached out and took one of her hands in both of mine.

  “What the hell is this?” said Mason, stepping forward. “Alyssa?”

  Alyssa put a hand on his chest. “It’s okay, dad.”

  “I say what’s okay in this house. I demand an explanation.”

  Whatever happened next, it was going to be a relief to step over this line and see just where I stood. I could handle whatever was coming. I knew I was making the right choice for once.

  “I’ve been seeing your daughter,” I said. “And I’m in love with her.”

  “Braden,” said Alyssa. “I think that’s—”

  “Say that again,” said Mason, stepping between us. “Say it slowly and clearly so I can make sure I understand it all.”

  “Dad.”

  “Alyssa, if this is true, you’ve been sneaking around behind my back. You’ll get your turn to talk, and if you’ve been hiding this from me, you’re going to forfeit some of whatever anger you might feel towards me when we’re done here.” He turned towards me again. “Because we are done here. Meaning you and me, Braden. As for you and my daughter—”

  “Dad!” she said again. “Let him talk or I’m going with him right now! I am not kidding.”

  That got his attention. Mason stepped back until he was behind her. He pointed at me over his shoulder. “You’ve got two minutes.”

  “I didn’t plan this, coach,” I said. “I just fell in love with her. When she came to do the interviews with me, I tried to treat it like I would anything else. Anyone else, for that matter. But she’s not like anyone else. I didn’t know what was happening to me, and it’s because I had never been in love before.”

  “Ninety seconds,” said Mason.

  Alyssa’s eyes were shining. I held out the ridiculous hope that if Mason didn’t kill me where I stood, Alyssa would come with me when this was over, no matter what. But I still had to tell her about my plans as well.

  “But now I’m here and it has happened. I love your daughter. And I want to be the kind of man she deserves. I want to earn my time with her.”

  “You think my little girl deserves no better than someone who trashes a hotel on the Internet and makes a fool out of himself? Not to mention my gym. Do you know what people have been saying to me about you in the business? Things I kept from you, so I could help you focus on your fight, which, refresh my memory, is not happening now? And why would that be, other than the fact that you don’t have a coach anymore?”

  “He is not the guy from that video,” said Alyssa.

  “I have no idea who he is,” said Mason. “And open your eyes, there are going to be other videos. Not even he has any idea what he’s about to do next, and I’m sick of being jerked around.”

  “I’m a guy who isn’t going to fight anymore,” I said. “For now, that’s all I can assure you of. I need to prove to myself that there’s more to me than what I’ve shown the world.” I got on one knee. “Alyssa, you’re not going to like this, but I enlisted today. The marines. I’m going to be going into basic training soon. I am going to serve my country like I should a long time ago. When I’m done, maybe fighting will still be here for me. But all I really want is for you to still be here for me. I am going to show you who I am. And I’m going to show myself.

  “Get out,” said Mason. “Get out now while you can still stand upright.”

  Alyssa touched my cheek with the back of her hand. “I love you,” she said. “And I’m proud of you.” She turned and went inside, closing the door softly behind her.

  “You are never to look at my daughter again, do you hear me?” said Mason.

  I stared at the door. She had said that she loved me. Nothing else to be afraid of. I finally felt like I was living in a world without pressure. Almost without pain.

  Chapter 11

  I couldn’t believe it. Duh. Of course I couldn’t believe it! Of all the things he could have said...I wasn’t sure if I was more surprised that he said he loved me or that he was racing off into the military to prove a point that, in my view, he didn’t have to prove.

  I put my ear to the door and listened to Braden and my dad talk. Well, it was more like I heard Braden’s quiet murmurs and my dad’s incoherent bellowing.

  Finally, he came back in. Dad closed the door and leaned against it, closing his eyes. I tried to slip out of the foyer quietly but he heard me. “Alyssa,” he said. “I only want what’s best for you.” He was telling the truth. Every father wants what’s best for his kids. But that doesn’t mean he always knows what it is. We all do the best we can, but that never guarantees that we make the right choices.

  “I know,” I said. My voice sounded lifeless. Unrecognizable. Not a voice anyone would listen to a podcast. “Have you ever thought that might mean letting me make a decision of my own? Like an adult?”

  “Alyssa, you don’t—”

  “No dad. I do. What I understand is that I’m grateful to you for everything you’ve done for me, and I’ve also let you do way too much for me. I couldn’t have got this far without you. But I can’t go as far as I want to unless I do it myself. That applies to my job and my relationships.”

  Dad looked at the ceiling and sighed. “Honey, relationships that are founded on deceit never work. It’s not the right foundation for stability.”

  I went to him. “Dad, we hid from you, but we never deceived each other. In fact, I think it’s the most honest Braden has ever been. And it was definitely the best month of my life. I’m sorry you feel let down, but I’m doing this one on my own.”

  He hardened his face. “Well then, that makes two of you. You want to be independent? Be my guest, sweetheart. I�
�ve given you enough of a head start that I know you’ll be fine. But I’m done with Braden. When he backs out of this he’s going to want back into the gym. I can’t let that happen. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

  That didn’t worry me. Braden could always find another gym. Maybe not someone as good as my dad, but there were options. “I know you’ll do whatever you need to, dad. But you’re wrong about him. There’s no way he’s coming back to the gym. I have a feeling his next fight is going to be on another level entirely.”

  With that, I went upstairs and cried. I knew I was right. Braden was headed into something bigger than the octagon. True danger. In that moment I just felt so bad for us all. When I felt composed I called Chantelle. She came over and brought a box of little bottles of champagne, small enough that we used to sneak them into movie theaters.

  She let me whine and moan and whimper at her all night. When I thought I had it all out of my system, she asked me if I wanted to watch Braden trash that hotel again, just for old time’s sake.

  We laughed until we were sick.

  At one point I heard my dad’s footsteps in the hallway. I knew he wanted to knock. To poke his head in and see if things were alright. To feel useful.

  But his footsteps moved away.

  Eventually Chantelle lay down next to me and we slept. I dreamed of Braden, gunfire, flames, fear and the day he came home.

  In the morning there was a text from him. He was going to be away for two weeks at a camp that would serve as a precursor to basic training.

  Chapter 12

  When I signed up, the military gave me a huge battery of aptitude tests. The tests were meant to show them what you were best at, or most inclined to be good at. That way, they could shuttle you around to wherever you would do the most good in the service. I figured that that tests weren’t going to reveal that I should be a nuclear scientist, a submarine pilot, or anything on the fringe, and I was right about that.