by Kaia Bennett
"You alright in there, sweetheart? Feeling better?" His voice was just loud enough for her to hear, just soft enough for her to understand the question held more meaning.
"Yes, yeah," she croaked out, leaning her back against the wall. "I'm fine."
She couldn't think of anything else to say. She just watched him from the fragile safety of the shower, watched his knuckles slide softly, forlornly against the glass, and his temple lean against it.
"I brought you some clothes to change into after you're done," he said finally. "And your toothbrush and stuff. Thought we could go out and get a late breakfast together if you're up for it."
She swallowed. She came away from the wall, wanting to open the shower door and give him a smile, to put him at ease. But she didn't. “Okay,” she said, and then leaned away again and watched him leave. She'd never wanted to stay in a shower forever before, but it would be easier than going out there and seeing his sad face, or having to listen to him lay bare what she now realized was the truth of Meredith's words. He wouldn't have acted so ashamed if it weren't true. He wouldn't have shuffled away if there weren't something there to shuffle away from.
Gabriel was sitting on the bed when she came out of the bathroom, her teeth brushed, hair dripping down her back and over the fluffy white towel wrapped around her body. His elbows were resting on his knees, fingers interlaced. She caught him with his eyes downcast just before he looked up and gave her a sheepish little smile. So awkward. She'd forgotten what it felt like to be awkward with this man. Not since those first passionate, secret nights together had there been this much insecurity wrapped up in her. Not even when she was playing the game of casual lover with him had it been like this. She wished they could go back to that, rather than feeling this distance between them after having been so close.
She paused in the doorway for a second and forced herself not to look away. She felt horribly selfish and angry, and sad. He looked so lost. But she felt lost, too. She gave him a small smile, knowing it didn't reach her eyes and walked into the room.
He sat all the way up before he stood, looking like he didn't know what to do with himself. He wiped his palms over his jeans then folded his arms across his chest only to let them fall again.
"Here's your clothes," he said, turning his back to hand her the pile. "I had the other ones washed..."
He paused as she walked around him to sift through the clothes before sitting down on the edge of the bed. She sighed, looking up at him with expectant and guarded eyes.
"It was a long time ago, Nic. I'm not the same guy, and I'm sorry she got to you like that." He paused for a moment before saying, "It doesn't mean a thing. She doesn't mean a thing to me."
Her eyes started to tear and she wasn't exactly sure why. She just knew it hadn't been that long ago when Gabriel was off living life without her having any real place in it. To her it seemed like just yesterday when she was missing him, wondering if he was missing her. It seemed like just yesterday she was waiting for him while he was with Meredith. That meant something to her.
Part of her demanded she see his side of things. She needed to trust and forgive. She needed to remember he loved her, had said so. She needed to make up for the harshness of her words last night and not be the girl Meredith must think she was: Jealous and insecure. But the other part of her, the part that was emotional and hurting, the part that felt betrayed, won out.
Didn’t he tell Marta he loved her too?
"I know you weren't doing anything with her now," she said. "That wasn't why I was upset, Gabe. She just... she just made it sound like it wasn't a long time ago. She made me feel like I had good reason to be so worried about what she meant to you. And what happened with her while you were with Marta, to hear all this from her... it makes it look like all this time you were lying to me. Like you were hiding—"
"That's not how it was," he said abruptly, crouching down in front of her so he could stroke his fingers lightly over her leg. It was a soothing touch, meant to comfort her and remind her that she was the one he wanted. It was working, her skin already craved more of this tangible proof of his love for her.
"I told her over and over again I was done with her and all that other bullshit. I have you. I don't need anything else." He was pleading with her to understand, looking up at her with those beautiful brown eyes and the furrow in his brow that showed clearly his distress. "I'm just so tired of looking backwards when all I want to do is move forward with you. The last thing we need is to rehash all this ancient shit."
His sincerity warmed her. But his words were dismissive. What she wanted now was what he'd denied her from the beginning, and that was the truth. That was what they always had and could always share. She wanted it back now, even if it meant it would hurt. She wanted him to trust her with the things he kept secret. He could do that when they were in bed, why couldn’t he do it now when it came to something that was no longer a threat?
"When did you tell her you were through with all this stuff?” She panicked when he stood and turned away from her. "How long has this been going on behind my back? How long has she been thinking she was going to be our third wheel, Gabriel?"
He shot her a look, a strange, dark glance that she barely recognized on his face.
"What exactly did she say to you?" The question and the edge in his voice gave her pause.
"What she said doesn't matter. I want your side of the story. I want the truth from you, the person I love and trust." As soon as she said it she realized she was angrier than she’d thought. She'd expected apologies and revelations. Instead, he was still trying to hide, trying to gloss over everything with assurances that she was enough. But Meredith's words still rang in her ears. And in another day Nicole would be leaving him alone with her for the rest of the tour.
What was he hiding from her, really?
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, looking and sounding exhausted. "I don't want to do this right now. I'm tired of going through this and talking about it, and thinking about it. I'm just ready for this all to be over."
"With her you mean," Nicole clarified venomously. "Because from where I'm standing this is the first time any of this has come up. I'm the one that's in the dark, here."
He shook his head and turned his back on her, groaning in frustration. "I'm not going to let this happen, Nic. I'm not going to fight with you about her."
"This isn't about her, this about you! This is about you not talking to me when we promised we would always be honest and open with each other. That's all I want, Gabe. I want... I just... Why won't you talk to me?" The pleading in her voice made her sound so weak she couldn't stand it.
She faced him, staring up at him and his eyes that refused to meet hers. He looked so different. Frustrated and tense, and angry. She wondered if she looked different to him too.
He sighed. He cleared his throat. His face was closed, guarded. "At the time I was with Marta and things weren't going well with us. So Mere and I hooked up, did some shit I'm not proud of. Marta and I broke up, and Meredith and I saw each other off and on for a while. Then we stopped. I stopped. She would have kept going but I just didn’t contact her. The next time we saw each other was when she met you." He rattled it off as if it all meant nothing. Like it was a timeline on a chalkboard instead of an outline of all Nicole's greatest fears.
He just looked at her then, as if to say he was done, that's all there was to it. Nothing about the other girls. Nothing about why he cheated, or what secret rivalry he had brewing with Mere all this time. Nothing about how maybe his cutting Meredith out of his life without talking things through might have made her bitter.
"That's all, Nic. Nothing else." His voice practically begged her to understand him and not ask for more. He'd given all he was willing to give.
Her jaw twitched. He reached for her, but she pretended not to see, shuffling past him. When he reached for her again she shook herself out of his grasp.
“I just need to process this.
Just give me some time.”
"Are you really gonna push me away over something that happened before we even got together? After everything I told you?"
She'd never denied his touch before. It felt wrong somehow, but so did not showing her displeasure at being lied to by omission.
"This is stupid and childish, Nic. It's not like you."
She whipped the towel off her naked body, sifting through the clothes he'd brought her to find some underwear.
"You know she kissed me last night. Seemed to think I should be used to girls getting a taste of me because I'm with you," she said harshly, while she slid on her panties. She shot him a glance over her shoulder. "That's someone who doesn't think all of that shit is still in the past. And by ‘all that shit’, I mean everything you wouldn't tell me and still refuse to talk about in anything other than bullet points. I had to find out about three-ways and cheating from her. Her, of all people!"
Heat rose in her body as she pulled on her bra, then her shirt and shorts. She felt his eyes on her back.
"And you know what kills me, Gabe? What kills me is I'll never know if you kept it a secret because you really are through with her, or because you really aren't and you were just too scared to tell me like you were with Marta—"
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" His voice was a hushed whisper, but his anger and shock were apparent.
"Then tell me why she thinks she still has a chance? I mean, do you want to be with other women, is that something you’re not getting and you just didn’t want to hurt me or something?"
"Nic..."
Her heart was pounding. She felt vulnerable and scared, sinking in emotional quicksand. Was that it, then? Was she Marta 2.0? When he didn’t speak, when he didn’t assuage her fears something in her snapped. For the first time ever she was thoroughly angry with him.
She slipped on her shoes and gathered up her key card. He grasped her arm, holding her in place.
"Don't you get it? This is what she wants. She wants us fighting. This isn’t about whatever kinky shit we got up to. This isn’t about me and Marta, or you and me. Forget fucking girls or fucking guys, or both. This is how she gets off. She likes manipulating people. She wants you to doubt me," he said softly. "You gonna let her win?"
That should have comforted her. That should have made her see reason.
Instead, it pissed her the fuck off. She pulled her arm away from him and said, "So I should go along with your way to spite her? Is that it? I shouldn't be angry or expect – no, deserve better because I'm your girl. Because I waited for you while you were having your fun with her?”
He reared back but didn’t retreat. “So that’s what this is about? You holding me accountable for all the time we spent apart now? And weren’t you with Travis? I wasn’t the only one doing their own thing.”
She swallowed, nibbled on her upper lip to distract herself from crying. “I didn’t want to do my own thing, Gabe. That was your idea. I never wanted anything but this from the first moment I saw you. It was you who didn’t want to be tied down, and now I know why.”
“That’s not fucking fair, Nic, and you know it. I never asked you to do anything you didn’t say you were okay with. I practically begged you not to put me on this pedestal and now—”
“You're right, babe. I’m sorry. I should just fall in line and be a good girlfriend. Hell, I guess I should just be happy I am your girlfriend in the first place. We both know how long that took to happen."
Her stomach turned loops at the look in his eyes. That had stung him, just like she'd intended it to. Too bad it didn't make her feel any better, any more vindicated.
"Have fun at breakfast. Maybe Meredith can join you, since you two are so fucking close."
She exited the room before she caved, before she let herself go back to being blind.
Chapter 22
One shot. Two shots.
What the fuck, how about another?
Gabriel downed it all and looked across the crowded room, not finding what he was looking for. Nicole had avoided him all night, just like she had all day. In fact, she'd been attached to Nuke for most of the night, playing his wingman... wingwoman. Whatever. The point was she should have been by his side instead of hanging out with his friends. The time was winding down and he was tempted to call it a night just to spite her, just so he wouldn't have to deal with her occasional glances and dismissals. Yet, he stayed and searched for her in spite of everything.
They only had one more day together before she left and she was wasting it being pissed and playing games. It should have turned him on like before, like that night on New Year’s. Seeing her jealous side had done amazing things for his libido, and she'd been so responsive to him. Instead, there was this sickening foreboding in the pit of his stomach. She wasn't even trying to be near him, wouldn't let him get near enough to touch, let alone leave with him so he could show her again who he craved.
She was pissed. Beyond pissed. And this was the first time he'd ever seen her genuinely, thoroughly angry with him. He understood why and wanted to talk to her later on in the day, but she wouldn't have it. She’d said she was fine not knowing. Another lie. He downed another shot.
He really needed to stop himself. Anger and resentment burned a trail through him along with the alcohol. But it was better to sit here than go chase after her again and start another fight. He tried not to be so morbid about it all. Even the happiest couples fought sometimes. Even he and Nic were bound to have their ups and downs. He would just have to get over it. He was just going to have to get used to the fact he was no longer perfect in her eyes. It would be hard, but he could manage.
After another drink...
Nicole had been trying to have fun and was failing miserably. The drinks weren't working their magic, the flashing lights were dull, and her laughter sounded fake to her own ears. There was only one remedy for this trapped feeling, but she refused to indulge in it. The struggle to avoid him left her tired and depressed, which made her that much more determined to stay away from Gabriel and have 'fun'. She wanted so badly to go over to him and wrap her arms around him. She wanted to tell him she wasn't angry and everything would be okay. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him. But she was angry. And the reason everything wasn't okay was dancing and laughing mere feet away from where she was hiding out with Callie, Nuke, Q and Riley.
Meredith sauntered around like she didn't have a care in the world, and why should she? She wasn't the one who doubted whether she was enough for the man she loved. She caught Nicole watching her, met her eyes and gave her a small nod and a tilt of her drink.
Nicole turned away for a moment, taking a sip off of hers. She was already safely in 'buzzed' territory, though she'd learned her lesson from the night before. She was going to avoid heaving over a porcelain bowl tonight if she could help it. Though when she saw Mere coming towards her, she sipped her drink a lot faster.
Stay calm. Be cool. Fuck her, she doesn't get to you.
The spicy scent of Mere's perfume assailed her fragile senses. That smile—it was just a little too conspiratorial for comfort. "Hey, Nicole."
"Meredith."
She laughed a little and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "Don't be like that, Nic. I thought we were cool."
Nic moved away from her, giving her a tight smile that was far from inviting. "We were... till I found out you were trying to fuck my boyfriend."
"And you," Mere said. "Let's not forget about that. I'd love a taste of you, too."
The way Meredith licked her lips and perused Nicole's body made her shake her head and turn away. She wasn't wearing anything too extravagant. A simple black dress that fell to mid-thigh, and heels. Her hair was curled and pinned on one side. Nothing fancy, but Mere looked at her like she was a tasty confection she couldn't wait to eat up. Shocked, Nicole looked down at her glass.
Fuck. All gone. So much for pacing herself...
"Did you tell him about last night?"
Nico
le scoffed. "He's my boyfriend. What do you think?"
"Of course you did." Mere nodded, flipping her black-streaked locks over her shoulder and narrowing her eyes in a way that belied her kind tone. "You're the perfect couple. You probably tell each other everything." The mockery of her words wasn't lost on Nicole. While her eyes involuntarily darted towards Gabriel at the bar, Mere slid closer and asked, "Did you tell him you were kind of into our little kiss?"
Nicole turned rapidly toward the other woman, though she wished she hadn't when she realized how close their faces were to each other. "No, I didn't!" she spat, backing away. "Because I wasn't into it. That's what I told you last night, you crazy bitch."
Mere sucked in a breath between her teeth. "And here I was thinking that you waiting a whole ten seconds to stop me meant you were into it. I have a little experience with that kind of thing, you know?"
Her glacial blue eyes glimmered with the cold fire Nicole recognized as the glance she used for seduction. She swallowed hard, recalling the kiss they'd shared and the feeling of guilt and confusion it had pulled out of her. She shook her head. "Don't flatter yourself. I think Gabriel and I can live without your kisses." She plumped up her words with as much attitude as she could muster but inside she felt the emptiness behind them, and the fear she could be wrong.
The look on Mere's face made her squirm. It was like her blonde nemesis could read every vulnerable, hidden thought inside of her. "Sounds to me like you're a little bitter about the past, Nicole. Maybe a little unsure."
"What do I care about the past? I have him now, remember? Even if he did let you in you'd just be borrowing him. I'd be loaning him out to you," she said with a bitter laugh. "Pretty pathetic if you ask me."
Meredith smirked and leaned in, whispering, "That's all I wanted in the first place. I think you're the one who's afraid it would be something more..."
Like the serpent in the garden, those lips were soft as silk, hissing in her ear, telling her she was afraid and daring her to deny it. Telling her she wasn't daring enough to go the distance, to admit what was clear as day. If this was what Gabriel wanted in the past, and if he was hiding it from her, then those desires were still in the present.
