Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  Foster had started visiting retirement homes after her parents had

  moved to one; and with her parents’ suggestions about what could

  help uplift some of the retirees’ spirits, Mrs. Foster took the liberty

  of offering her time for an hour twice a week. Most times she read

  books, classics from an era of their choosing, stories like The

  Scarlet Letter or Hamlet.

  Today, many were happy to hear Nick’s choice of novel,

  Shakespeare’s classic Romeo and Juliet.

  Funny that Romeo and Juliet just so happened to be one of my

  favourite tragic love stories as well. I turned to find a seat, when

  Nick grabbed my hand and led me to the chair next to his. With a

  smile, I nodded and took the seat next to him. He started reading

  with such passion and enthusiasm that the group was enthralled by

  the story. Even I found myself drawn into it as he read with so

  much heart and soul. It felt as though he was telling his own tragic

  story. As Nick read on, all I could think about was hopping in his

  lap and kissing him.

  When our time ended, I was just as disappointed as everyone

  else. In fact, I had thought about asking Nick to read the book to

  me later. As Nick got up to speak with the director of the

  retirement home, I stayed behind waiting. An older gentleman

  walked over and sat next to me.

  “Love . . . such a worthy cause, wouldn’t you say” he said with

  a happy sigh.

  “Pardon?” I said, a little off guard.

  “Being in love it is a wonderful feeling,” he said, looking over

  at Nick.

  “O—oh—w—we’re not in love,” I stuttered.

  “You could have fooled me with those stares.” He snickered,

  then got up and walked away. My eyes widened. When I looked

  over at Nick again, he was heading towards me.

  “Ready?” Nick asked. I nodded and then followed him out.

  When we got to my car, I looked at my watch and sighed. I was

  relieved but disappointed.

  “That was one of my favourite plays written by Shakespeare,” I

  replied, smiling. “Tragic love stories are my favourite.” “What is it about tragic love that reels women in?” Nick said

  with a shake of his head.

  “The rush of forbidden love, I guess,” I said with a shrug. “Forbidden love, huh?” He chuckled.

  “As much as I’ve enjoyed the day so far, I have to end it here,”

  I said, glancing over at him. “I have less than an hour to get ready

  for work.”

  “Okay,” he replied with a smile. “Are you able to drop me off at

  the next place? Then I can find a way home from there.” He asked.

  I nodded then started driving.

  When I pulled up to the hospital, my breath hitched. My head turned slowly. I stared at him in awe. “What. Do. You. Do. Here?” I stammered. Everything about this day was making me question my feelings towards Nick. I stared into his beautiful blue eyes, wanting desperately to kiss him.

  “I—uh—read to the kids in the cancer ward,” he replied. “You amaze me , Nick,” I said, choking back a sob. I couldn’t believe how much he had touched me in one day.

  “Well, normally, my mother does this. She is the one you should be amazed with,” he said with a sweet smile. “I sub in occasionally.”

  “You shouldn’t sell yourself short, Nick. It’s still pretty amazing.” I turned away, feeling the tears well in my eyes.

  “When my mother was young, her younger sister died of leukemia, at the age of ten. This is the one place Mom feels she should spend most of her time, as a way of honouring her.”

  “I—I didn’t know.” I bit my lip.

  “No one really knows. She does this because it gives her peace. She doesn’t do this to be recognized.” He took off his seat belt. “I now understand why she does it,” he added. I turned to look at him, feeling the urge to hug him and tell him how much this affected me, but then he opened the car door and got out. He stood outside the car, bending down. “Thanks for helping me out today.”

  “Of course,” I said, smiling. I didn’t want to leave him just yet. I wanted to be near him a little longer. He shut the door, and I watched as he made his way to the front doors. I took my phone out of my purse and stared at the screen, then started dialing. “Mrs. Peterson, please,” I asked. After lying to Mrs. Peterson about being ill, I parked the car down the street and headed back to the hospital. Then I called my mom and explained to her that I wasn’t feeling well and had taken the day off work and was at the doctor’s. Technically, it wasn’t a total lie because I was at the hospital, just not for myself. I hung up with her and walked through the automatic doors. I had no idea where to go even after I checked the map of the entire hospital. It wasn’t specific enough for me to just wander around looking, so I asked the woman at the information desk. “Hi,” I said, walking towards her. “I am looking for the, uh—children’s cancer ward?” I didn’t even know what to really call it.

  “Take that elevator to the second floor, and make a right when you get out. Follow the signs after that,” she said and pointed to the set of elevator doors behind me.

  On the second floor, I got out of the elevator just as she instructed and looked up at the hanging signs. I walked straight ahead, turning right according to the sign, and came across a wing named after the Foster’s. I figured it had to be in the right place. When I found the main desk, I spoke to one of the nurses there.

  “Hi, I’m looking for Nick Porter. He—”

  “Follow me,” she said with a wide grin. She walked me down the hall to a room enclosed in glass. Inside the room was a group of kids sitting on chairs around Nick.

  “Thanks,” I said, turning to look at her. I stood outside the door, watching him. Parents stood around as well with big smiles on their faces. Everyone was so happy to see him.

  I didn’t want to interrupt, so I continued to watch from outside.

  “You can go in,” a nurse said, startling me, as she opened the door. Nick looked up, smiling, then stopped talking when he saw me walk in, making me smile as his face lit up. Quickly he recovered and continued reading. I sat in the corner of the room just watching him as he played and coloured with the kids. Some of the parents were talking about Nick and his mother. Everyone really liked his mother, and the single women were very interested in Nick. I smiled, looking at him through my peripheral vision.

  Nobody mentioned Mason, and I realized I had fallen for the wrong brother all along. Nick noticed me gazing in his direction and flashed me a smile that made my cheeks flush. I couldn’t help but admire him.

  “Mr. Porter, your package has arrived.” A nurse stepped in the room. He smiled and got up from where he was colouring.

  “I’ll be right back,” he assured them, then nodded at me. When he returned to the room, he had a box filled with toys. The children’s faces lit up as if it were Christmas day. He handed out a toy to every child, and then told them it was time for him to go. It was time to visit the children who were unable to come to the playroom. The kids ran up and hugged him good-bye. Then as he walked towards the door, he jerked his head for me to follow. The women who had been talking about him stared at me with their mouths slightly ajar. I revelled in their jealousy, even though nothing was going on with Nick and me.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked. “I thought you had to work?” He walked beside me.

  I shrugged. “I felt that this was more important.” He stopped walking, and the way he looked at me made my heart flutter. “I think this is amazing, Nick. You’re amazing.” I averted my eyes. “I—I don’t even know how to explain how this makes me feel.” When I looked up at him again, he was staring at me, his eyes searching mine.
I wanted to grab him, hold him tight and never let him go. Show him how it made me feel. If he stared at me any longer, I would be knocking that box out of his hand and grabbing him whether he expected it or not.

  “I just have this box left to hand out. Will you join me?” He asked holding out his hand.

  “Absolutely,” I happily replied taking his hand.

  We stopped by four rooms, with children whose conditions were worse than other’s. Nick’s compassion overwhelmed me, and I had to look away to hide the tears.

  Later, as we walked up to my car, I turned and faced Nick, making him come to an abrupt stop. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I wanted to say something. With my eyes locked on Nick’s, I took a step closer. My heart had never pounded so fast before.

  “I’m so glad that you let me come along with you today,” I began. He attempted to speak, but I raised my hand, gesturing that I wasn’t finished. His smirk made me melt inside. My breath halted, and my eyes fluttered while he gazed at me. “I feel so touched by you,” I replied, starting to get choked up. “You are not the person I thought you were.”

  Nick’s jaw tensed. Then he looked down at the ground nervously. His hand went into his pants pockets. “You are giving me far too much credit, Lauren.” He blushed.

  “Oh, stop.” I scowled. “You can’t honestly think that what you do here isn’t amazing,” I said, feeling myself falling for him. “You should’ve seen the looks on the children’s faces when you handed those toys out. It was like Christmas to them.” I inched closer. “I’ve known you for a month now, Nick, and other than our first introduction, you have yet to disappoint me.” My hand touched his cheek before my mind thought it. His head slowly rising, we stared into each other’s eyes. “You’re so beautiful,” I added and couldn’t believe the words had even left my mouth. He was beautiful, and not just on the outside. His hands cradled my face, and I felt my breath stutter and my eyes water. Then he moved in and pressed his lips softly on mine. My arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. He slowly pulled away to look at me. His eyes were wet, but he was smiling. I pulled him close, hugging him again.

  “Those are the kindest words anyone has ever said to me,” he whispered, pulling away, his thumb stroking my cheek. He rested his forehead on mine, and then lightly kissed me again.

  “That is hard to believe,” I gasped.

  “I’m dead serious. When people look at me, they see money, a trust fund kid. No one has ever looked past all that. But you have.” His fingers traced along my jawline. “Thank you.”

  “No. Thank you for sharing this side of you.” I smiled.

  He kissed me again, “Did you want to do something tonight?” he breathed through our lips.

  “Well—since I am suddenly free . . .” I smirked. “I don’t care what we do, just as long as it’s with you.” I caressed his cheeks in my hands. His bashful smile made my heart patter. I looked away from his burning stare, biting my lip. If I didn’t walk away now, we would be standing here all day but then he scooped me up in his arms kissing me hard. Chills rippled through my body, from my lips to my stomach, causing a serious case of butterflies.

  When we pulled up to his house later that night, he didn’t get out right away. He turned in his seat to face me. I stared out the windshield nervously. I didn’t know what was going to come of this day, but if nothing happened, it wouldn’t make me think of him any less.

  “I’m not sure w hat to say,” Nick said, breaking the silence. “Me either.” I laughed nervously.

  “I like you,” he added, cupping his hand over mine. “I like you too,” I gasped and turned to look at him. “I sense a

  but coming.”

  He smiled, hanging his head. “You fell for Mason and—” “I am so over Mason and his bullshit, it’s not even funny.” I

  shook my head, furious.

  “You say that, but I saw something between the two of you that

  I never thought—”

  Interrupting him again, I said, “Nick, I wouldn’t tell you that I

  liked you if I still had feelings for Mason. I know it seems awful

  because I liked him and now I like you, but it’s not like that.

  Mason and I never dated, never really had much of anything,

  actually,” I stated.

  “So if I said I wanted to see you again, you wouldn’t oppose?”

  he asked.

  “Of course not,” I laughed, and then turned to face him again. “I

  would love to see you again,” I said, my voice soft.

  “Good.” He leaned in, reaching across the seat, cupping my

  face.

  “Night,” he whispered and kissed me.

  “Good night,” I whispered biting my bottom lip.

  His hand slipped into my hair, pulling me in, his lips hard

  against mine. The kiss continued and passion filled us until we

  could no longer take it. “I should go,” I said, breathless, pulling

  away. His chest moved rapidly. He licked his lips then nodded.

  Eventually, he moved away from me and got out of the car. I

  closed my eyes as he started to walk towards the house. I needed a moment before starting the car.

  Being with Nick felt good. It felt right.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  It had been a week since I told Nick how I felt, and we had practically spent every spare minute together. I knew it was fast, but the way we met and the disasters that followed made it feel less awkward. To us it didn’t feel rushed. He had kissed me first and then I had kissed him as part of a game. What’s more awkward than that? When I was with him, all I thought about was, will this be my forever? I knew he lived in Washington with his father and that it was five hours away. In theory, that wasn’t a far drive to spend every weekend together. In reality, we both had jobs, which meant I’d be working weekends and he wouldn’t. This made me think about my past choices and what I went to college for.

  Perhaps I should have chosen better —for the simple reason that the mere thought of not seeing him every day bothered me . . . immensely.

  At that moment my mind should have been on the fact that his arms were wrapped around me, but all I thought about was, what if I never saw him again? My heart palpitated at the thought. Even though I was very aware of his hands moving across my back as we lay on the sofa watching television, my mind was elsewhere. He looked down at me, smiling, kissing my forehead. I couldn’t imagine not being with him. But I needed to know before things went any further.

  “Nick ,” I whispered.

  “Yeah,” he answered, shifting to reach the remote, and turned off the television, giving me his undivided attention, another thing I adored him for. Then he touched my cheek lovingly. “What’s on your mind?”

  I could barely get the words out. My heart and mind were running wildly. “How did you know something was on my mind?”

  “The look on your face,” he replied. Then, as his fingers stroked the sides of my face, my heart pounded even harder. I was afraid that if I said something it would undo everything that was so magical about us.

  I sat up cleared my throat and spat it out. “When are you leaving?”

  His eyes narrowed and he looked a little confused. “For— Washington?” he asked. I nodded, and then looked away. “I—I never even thought about it, to tell you the truth.” He sat up, taking my hand in his. “I’ve been enjoying this time with you so much that the last thing on my mind was leaving.”

  “A—are you going back?” I asked and finally looked up at him.

  “Eventually, yes. I have to.” His smile was thin and strained. “It’s not that far.”

  “I know,” I replied, trying to smile. He was right it wasn’t far but do long distance relationships really work? Maybe I could move to Washington if things work out for us—just then the front door opened and Abigail’s voice bellowed down the hall from the front foyer.

  “Nicholas, are you home, dear?” Her
heels clacked on the marble floor as she made her way down the hall. Nick stood and walked over to the doorway pulling on his shirt. “Oh, darling, I’ve missed you.” She hugged him, and then looked over at me. “I see you’ve kept busy.” She let go of Nick and sidestepped around him. “Lauren.” She glared at me as though I were sitting there naked.

  “Mrs. Foster.” I smiled and attempted to stand when she took Nick’s arm glared at him then they walked away.

  “How did things go in my stead?” she asked, practically pulling him out of the room.

  “Fine. I spent Tuesday reading . . .” That was the last thing I heard before Nick and his mother disappeared down the hall. Then Mr. Foster walked in and joined me.

  “Hello, Lauren,” he said, sitting down on the sofa across from me, his leg crossed over the other.

  “Mr. Foster,” I said with a nod. “How was your trip?” I asked.

  “Short-lived.” He smiled with a nod.

  He was about to tell me something else when Mrs. Foster returned with Nick in tow. She looked right at me, stopping next to the chair I was in.

  “Lauren, I’m sorry to end this short, but we have some family business to discuss,” she said, walking towards me. “If you don’t mind,” she added. How could I mind, this was her house. My eyes widened as I looked up at her, slowly glancing over at Nick.

  “No, not at all,” I said and got to my feet, thinking that Nick was going to follow me to the door. But when I turned, he hadn’t moved from where he stood. “Call me later,” I said, but it actually sounded more like a question. Walking backwards out of the room I waited for any sort of nod or expression that this was going south. Despite our conversation earlier, I was a bit bothered at his sudden callousness to my departure. He nodded but still didn’t look up at me. The butler met me at the door and showed me out. I stood on the front step getting myself together. I was shaking, and afraid to take another step in case I fell. I’m an idiot. I jinxed. I never should have asked that question. I knew in my gut that asking him was wrong. But I did it anyway. Tears flooded my eyes, the thought of losing him tore me up inside.

  When I got home, I searched the house for my mother finding her sitting in the den, reading. I waited for her to look up at me, making an attempt to not interrupt.