Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  “What’s your poison tonight, sweetheart?” she asked, cocking her head.

  “I think I need a few shots of tequila and a martini to chase.”

  “Someone means business tonight.” She smirked. I think she was flirting, but I couldn’t be too sure.

  “Yeah, there are a few things I need to forget,” I replied with a wag of my brow. I shook the salt onto my hand, downed the shot and sucked on the lemon wedge, and then did it again.

  “That bad, huh?” she said after I downed the second shot and ordered two more. I nodded and sipped the martini. After the third shot I felt the burn hit my cheek. “Whoa!” I hooted sucking in a breath to ease the burn. It was working fast. I handed her my car keys. “I’ll keep these safe.” She screwed her lips.

  “Thanks.” I took the last shot, sucked in a breath as the burn trickled its way down my throat. The guy standing next to me asked if he could buy me a drink, and I shrugged. I finished the martini by the time the bartender handed me the free drink.

  “You should slow down, sister. I wouldn’t want to be cleaning up your mess in the bathroom in an hour.” She laughed.

  “I’m good!” I cheered.

  The bar door opened, letting in a cold breeze. I shivered and made my to the dance floor. The bouncer stopped me, reminding me no glasses allowed on the dance floor. I pouted, then gulped my drink and put it down on the table next to me flashing him an annoyed smile. The girls sitting there looked up at me, glowering.

  “What?” I snapped. They rolled their eyes and looked away. I mumbled as I walked away, “That’s what I thought.” It’s true what they say about alcohol; it can make you brave when you really don’t need to be.

  On the dance floor the music soothed me. I swayed back and forth; eyes closed, head back, and I let it take me to a place away from here. The heat intensified as the alcohol took over my system. When I opened my eyes, everything was blurred. I leaned against the wall holding myself up. This was the most I had had to drink—ever. An old song started playing over the system that I had not heard in years, and my body slowly got into the flow. I danced alone for the first few seconds of the song, and as I turned to face the crowd, I saw a familiar face. At first I blinked, thinking I was seeing things, but as he danced his way towards me, I realized it was real.

  How did he know where to find me? I stared in disbelief.

  “Nope not real.” I turned twirled around. Within seconds he was next to me, his hands immediately wrapping around my waist. The beat of the song was like having sex on the dance floor, and it demanded bodies to bump and grind, causing plenty of sweat. I felt his hand dragging up my thighs as our bodies ground. I felt his breath on the back of my neck and I turned to face him. Our noses touched as his lips brushed over mine. My lips parted, releasing a shallow gasp as I felt my arousal heighten. Mason’s hands caressed the bare skin of my back. My head fell back, and his lips and tongue traced along my collarbone to my chin. “Oh—God, why do you do this to me?” I whined, thankful he couldn’t hear me. He brushed the hair from my face as I flung my head forward to look at him. His lips grazed along my jawline to my ear. He sang the lyrics of the song, which described explicitly what he wanted to do to me. I gasped, feeling his words penetrate my core. “No.”

  His teeth grazed down along my jaw. His hands slid in my hair as he pressed his lips hard on mine. I jerked back staring into his blue eyes. He held my stare, panting, his fingers still tangled in my hair. Then he kissed me hard, and I lost control.

  “Mason,” I panted every time his teeth gently bit my shoulder. Then I felt my back hit the wall, and he pressed his body hard against mine. His hand ran hard over my chest. I looked at the sea of swarming faces around us and began to panic.

  What the hell was I doing?

  “No!” I grunted, trying to push Mason off. “Ssstop!” I managed to shove him back. I glared at him, shocked not only at him but at myself as well. I don’t cheat; that wasn’t me. Tears began to well in my eyes. “Why didjo follow me ‘ere?” I slurred, but the music drowned out my voice. Shame filled his face, as it did mine. The song ended and the DJ started talking, but I was too distracted by what had just happened between Mason and me to hear anything he was saying. Then I shook my head, and walked past Mason, storming out to the parking lot, pacing back and forth. I couldn’t drive home. The bartender had my keys, and oddly, no cabs were around. I started walking to the end of the plaza, near the coffee shop. The music from the bar bellowed out as Mason stormed out to the street. “Lauren,” he called out.

  “StayawayfrommeMason.” The words tumbled from my mouth in a rush of barely distinguishable syllables. “I—don’tknowwhat— you were thinking,” I replied, my hands covering my shame-filled face.

  “What I did?” he scoffed. “I didn’t see you stopping me!” he growled, grabbing my arm.

  “Jjjuussst leeeeave meee aloooone,” I whined, pulling free.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, grabbing my arm every time I pulled free. “Stop walking away from me.”

  “I want to be alone!” I cried. “I can’t believe you kissed me.”

  “You kissed me back.” He scowled.

  “Yooou—yooou . . . No—nooo you are not going to get me. Get away from me,” I shouted, poking his chest.

  “Lauren—Lauren!” He followed me, but I started running.

  “I’d rather walk home than get in the same car as you!” I screamed, running across the street.

  I finally lost him and continued to take routes through areas he couldn’t drive through. Eventually I lost him.

  By the time that I got home that night, I had almost sobered up. The events that took place flooded my mind. I turned off my phone and cried myself to sleep for the first time in months.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  The next morning, I got up, showered, slipped on a pair of yoga pants and a shirt, sulking my way down the stairs to the kitchen. What I hadn’t expected to find was Nick sitting in the kitchen with my mother, drinking tea. Their heads turned as I entered, and I came to a halt in the doorway. Panic struck me hard in the chest. Mason was devious enough to tell Nick everything.

  “Hey,” he said, standing. My mother got up from her chair, put her mug in the sink, and then walked over to me. “I’ll give you a minute,” she said with a smile. I nodded, then slowly walked over to the counter, grabbed the coffee pot and poured myself a mug. Nick remained silent until I joined him at the table.

  “I want to begin by apologizing for last night ,” he said with a sad smile. “You have every right to be upset with me.” He waited for me to reply, but I stared at the space between us blankly, unsure of what to say. When I finally looked at him, his eyes began to water. “I’m sorry that I have disappointed you. That was never my intention, Lauren.” His lips trembled.

  “Nick, I—”

  “I promise that I’ll make it up to you,” he said, taking my hand in his. My lip trembled as I recalled the events from last night. I knew I should have told him but the words wouldn’t come out. I started to cry but not because he disappointed me because he didn’t know I was going to disappoint him. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” I said in a panic. Confusion hovered in his eyes. He didn’t understand where this was coming from.

  “I don’t think it’s going to work out.” I choked back the sob. “Where is this coming from?” He gasped.

  I couldn’t lie to him. It was easier to end it. “I don’t even feel like I fit in your life.” I bit my lip and glanced down at my cup. He dragged his thumb and index fingers across his eyes.

  “That’s—not—true, Lauren,” he hiccupped, fighting the sob.

  What I had done to Nick was unforgiveable, and I didn’t want him to feel the pain of my betrayal. I shook my head.

  “I fell in love with you, Nick. That isn’t something I can do easily, but I did.” I covered my face with one hand, turning away. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to be hurt eit
her.” I gasped, covering my mouth.

  He grabbed me in his arms. “Lauren, please. I just need a little more time.” He kissed my hair. “I promise it will all be worked out soon.”

  “W—what will be worked out soon?” I asked, slowly pulling away.

  “I was looking to move to Portland permanently,” he said.

  My heart stopped. “Really?” I gasped, biting down on my lip.

  What had I done? Replays of last night’s events flooded my head. Tears streaked my cheeks, I was so ashamed.

  “Yes,” he said with a smile. I was thrilled to hear him say that but how could I tell him the truth now? “I’m trying to work it out so that I can work from here. I’ll still have to travel for work a few times a month, but that is better than living separately—”

  “Living separately?” I gulped. The guilt was eating me alive inside now. “Does—that mean you want to move in together?” I asked. He smiled and nodded. This time I couldn’t help but cry. His hands cupped my face. His eyes gazed lovingly into mine. I had no choice but to tell him the truth and hope he would forgive me. We had been dating for six weeks. It was still early enough in the relationship for him to forgive me. Right?

  “There is something I have to tell you,” I stuttered.

  “I love you,” he said kissing me.

  “I love you too.” I sobbed in his arms holding him tight. “But I need you to know something first.” I sat back, looking at him. His eyes were wet with tears, lips slightly parted. He looked sad more than he did happy. I closed my eyes, and gathered up as much courage as I could, because this would probably be the end of us.

  “What?” His lips trembled. All day I had been coming up with ways to tell him, and now all words escaped me. “What is it?”

  Every time I tried to speak, my breath hitched in my throat. I brushed my thumb across his cheek. “The other night when you didn’t show . . .” I pulled my hands away, covering my face, embarrassed. “I was upset and—” His phone rang, interrupting me.

  “Sorry—” He answered the phone. “I’m busy. What is it?” he grumbled. He slowly turned and smiled at me, hanging up his phone, and then pressed his lips to mine. “I should go . . . to help set up for tonight,” he said, standing.

  “O—okay,” I sighed, relieved. Eventually he would learn the truth. If not from me, then Mason would gladly tell him.

  “We’ll continue this conversation later,” he said and bent down to kiss me again, then left.

  I got ready at home at home this time and with my mother ’s help on my hair. The style we chose for my hair was up in a loose curly bun leaving a few thin strands dangling around my shoulders. After my ensemble was complete, I stood in front of the mirror, looking at the end result. The dress clung to my curves perfectly, and I was happy that I decided to buy it. I then slipped on my skyscraper faux-diamond-cluster heels and spun around. My mother put the finishing touches to my hair, a couple of snap on diamond clips.

  “You look b eautiful, sweetheart,” she said, kissing my cheek. “When Nick see’s you he is going to die,” she said, smiling. I brushed my hands down the dress, smoothing it out. “You should wear blue more often. It’s a great colour on you,” she said, standing next to me in the mirror. “Wow.” She cupped her hands over her mouth. “I don’t know what I am going to do on your wedding day.”

  “We have plenty of time to worry about that.” I laughed, as I hugged her. “I am so nervous,” I said, stuffing the gloss in my purse after swiping it across my lips.

  “Don’t be . You’ll fit in perfectly,” she said, walking with me down the stairs to the front door, hugging me one last time before I slipped out the door. I looked up at the darkening sky and spotted a single shining star through the clouds and made a wish.

  Thirty minutes later, I pulled up to the long cobblestone driveway of the Fosters’ mansion. I stopped in the courtyard, parking behind a slew of cars. The cobblestone was scattered with patches of ice even with salt scattered in chunks across the ground. With the rain coming and going all day, it had taken longer to melt the ice.

  I rang the doorbell.

  This time a different butler greeted me at the door. I handed him my invitation. He bowed and opened the door wider. Upon entering, I felt a sudden pang hit me in the chest. Something made me feel uneasy about being here. I stood nervously in the foyer. I gathered my thoughts before following the sound of chatter and the soft hum of the string quartet playing from the other room. As I walked into the ballroom, I held my breath. Heads turned. I smiled and kept walking. At first I couldn’t find anyone I knew, but then I spotted Cassie in her beautiful burgundy dress and walked towards her. We hugged, and she led me over to a table.

  “You can leave your stuff here,” she said, taking my hand.

  We walked around, taking flutes of Cristal, replacing the empty ones with filled ones. I scanned the crowd for Nick, surprised that I still had not seen him—or Mason, for that matter.

  “You look amazing,” Cassie pointed out as we came to a stop by the patio doors. I scanned the crowd, looking for Nick. It had already been an hour, and I still had not seen him. Dinner would be served soon.

  “Want to dance?” Cassie asked, pulling me along. I shrugged finishing the glass of champagne in my hand, and placed it down on a table.

  “Have you seen Nick?” I finally asked.

  Cassie shook her head, and then proceeded to tell me that she had arrived early and had not seen him at all. My head cocked, slightly confused. He had told me he was going to help set things up. I glanced around the room, and spotted Mason. My mouth dropped and my eyes fluttered at the sight of him. He wore a threepiece suit, dark black with lavender. He looked gorgeous, as always. Ugh I hated him. I watched as he smiled and spoke to the couple in front of him. His eyes wandered a moment from the couple. That’s when he caught my stare. His head jerked taking a second look in my direction. My cheeks flared and I looked away. He tried to continue with his conversation but his eyes were still on me. Then I watched as he excused himself. He started walking towards me, and I turned away nervously. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering feverishly, and I thought I’d be sick at any moment. When he closed in on me, I felt his touch on my shoulder before turning around. His eyes looked me up and down.

  “You look—beautiful,” he gasped. My lips parted, and I let out a nervous gasp. His thumb stroked my bare shoulder delicately. Suddenly, I found myself lost in his blue eyes again. His smile slowly widened. It was then I realized he had done it again, reeled me in. I bent to release his touch and backed away, his smile disappeared.

  “Please—don’t,” I gasped, looking around nervously.

  His chest rose and fell rapidly. “Why not?” His face looked strained.

  “I’m going to tell Nick tonight,” I replied.

  “Tell Nick what?” he asked and scrunched his face.

  “Don’t play stupid with me, Mason. You know what I’m talking about.” I scowled.

  “He may not care.” He shrugged, turning away.

  “What?” I hissed. “Why would you say that?” I grabbed his arm. He shrugged, dismissing my question, then had the nerve to ask me to dance like it was nothing.

  “May I have this dance?” he asked loudly. A smirk curling his lip, he held out his hand. As I made the attempt to reject him, everyone turned to stare. I cowered from their glares and took his hand in mine. He took me onto the dance floor, purposely brushing his hand against the bare skin on my lower back.

  “Have you seen Nick?” I asked, looking around the room.

  He looked away, eyes scanning the crowd. “He’s around.” His eyes stopped, and I followed his stare. There were too many people around for me to see who he was looking at. Then his eyes fell on mine again, his stare intense. “I don’t regret it,” he said.

  “You should,” I replied, looking around, feeling shameful.

  “Well, I don’t, and neither should you,” he said, bringing his face closer to mine.


  “When did you get back?” I asked, changing the subject.

  He shrugged. “Two nights ago.”

  “What brought you back?” I replied.

  “Do you really want to know?” He looked down at me, but I looked away, shaking my head.

  “I should go find Nick,” I said, and tried to let go but the grabbed my hand and pulled me back.

  “You,” he said, eliminating the space between us. “His eyes searching mine but I couldn’t look at him. He bent down he craned his neck to try and make me look at him.

  I raised my hand to stop him from saying anything more. “Mason—”

  “I wanted you to know.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on his chest over his heart. “I needed you to know. I didn’t know about you and Nick,” he said, leaning closer. “I was coming home to be with you.”

  I shut my eyes, pulling free. “No . . . I’m sorry—”

  “Don’t be.” He scowled. “It’s my fault. All of it.” He stepped back and turned, staring. His arms folded across his chest, he nodded in the direction of the bar. I followed his stare and saw Nick in a charcoal-grey suit with a cobalt-blue shirt and tie. I felt the love swell in my heart, until I saw the beautiful woman with curly golden hair clinging on his arm. My head tilted, confused, and my heart stopped as I watched her touch him affectionately.

  “W—who is that?” I choked. I watched a little longer. Nick laughed along with another couple, and the woman placed her head on his shoulder, lacing her fingers with his.

  “Oh my god! Who the hell is that?” I gasped and turned back, glaring at Mason. He was half smirking when I looked at him. “You knew?”

  “Lauren,” Mason touched my arm, pulling me towards him. The apologetic look on his face said more than his words. “I’m sorry.” My lips began to tremble, and I shook my head in disbelief. I turned and started walking away, then stopped. The anger building inside, I turned and started towards Nick. I had been beating myself up all night feeling so much guilt, and for what? He was not being honest with me either. As I approached, Nick’s head turned and he spotted me. Fear filled his face. I shook my head furiously. He slipped away from the woman, and came towards me, taking me in different direction than where she was standing. When we were alone, I spun around, staring him down, waiting for an explanation. Then Mason walked in.