Hard To Love

by Ross, Sabrina

  “Who’s this?” the girl asked, crossing her arms. I slowly slipped the ring off my finger, stared at it a moment longer, then looked up at Mason.

  “I was his fiancée,” I said, scowling. The girl’s mouth dropped, and she looked away, embarrassed. Mason continued to stare at me, shocked. The ring slipped from my fingers and landed on the tile with a ping. I started to remove his house key from my key chain. “Anything to say for yourself,” I asked, fighting against the anger because if I let it control me, then Mason was going to get a punch in the face no matter what he said.

  “I’m sorry.” He replied.

  “I bet you are.” I scowled and tried to contain myself but the laughter bellowed from me. Standing there unable to move, thinking of what I could say to hurt him. “I guess I sort of deserved this, huh? Considering I didn’t love you,” I lashed out then left. I didn’t want to see the look on his face after that.

  When I got to the parking lot, I heard someone calling my name, but I refused to give in and turn around. As I turned off the alarm and went to open the door, someone grabbed my arm and spun me around.

  “Wait!” Nick said , turning me around. I tried to move away, but he grabbed my face in his hands. “Did you mean that?” he said, breathless. I just stared at him. “Lauren.” His thumb stroked across my cheek. I couldn’t tell him; I couldn’t admit, that yes, I still loved him, and no, I never loved Mason.

  “I have to go, Nick.” I pulled his hands from my face. “You never loved Mason?” he repeated again and stood against

  the door so that I couldn’t open it.

  “Please move, Nick,” I said sternly and pushed him back. “Why?” He said anxiously, his chest rose and fell rapidly. “Move!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. “Tell me why!” He pushed off the car and came at me. “You

  chose him over me. Why—why did you do that?” Tears welled in his eyes. “You gave me no choice , Nick!” I screamed, turning away as I sobbed uncontrollably. “You gave me no choice.”

  “What?” He grabbed me, but I pushed him away.

  “I would have chosen you.” I cried, looking him in the eyes. “That’s the answer to your question.” I turned to my car and opened the door. As I turned to face him with tears streaming down my cheek I said, “I was still in love with you.”

  “Lauren,” his voice choked and his shoulders slumped. I watched as his eyes filled with tears.

  “But now, I want nothing to do with either of you,” I cried and then got in my car. As I backed up, I watched Nick in my rear view mirror, his fingers laced behind his head as he watched me drive away.

  I spent most of the drive trying to convince myself not to turn around and go back. Seeing Nick crying in the rear view mirror was more than I could handle. I was better off without them, I had to believe that. I didn’t know where my mind was when it came to them. No man had ever taken such a hold over me before. Not even Matt. Speaking of Matt, I had not seen him since my out-ofbody experience five months ago.

  “Where are you now?” I cried out, the anger burning in me. He had told me to choose wisely. I thought Mason was the right choice. Who did he really mean for me to choose?

  The long drive home gave me plenty of time to think. No more tears would be wasted on them. Or any guy, for that matter. I was going to think about myself from now on, and do what I had always wanted to do which was my art. Cassie would be gone in a few months, and I would be alone again. All I had was my art, and my photography. My equipment was packed away somewhere.

  It was time to get it out and dive right into it. That was the right decision leaving them behind and moving forward with my dreams, just how Matt had wanted me to. I was happier anyway when I had a camera in my hand.

  ***** The next few weeks I spent with Cassie going to parties, taking photos and developing them. Within no time Mason and Nick were far from my mind. Mrs. Peterson allowed me to take time off work to concentrate on my passion. I needed this and I needed it now while I was still living with my mother. I started sketching again, which I had not done since high school. A few days a week, I took a stroll down the pier at the beach, watching the water crash against the shore and letting the creativity bug flow through.

  ***** Then, one weekend, about two months before Cassie was to leave for University, her mother threw a soiree/going away party. I wasn’t even thinking that I might run into Nick and Mason considering it was their cousin’s party but it was also a five hour drive. Robert wasn’t going to make it because of work and I assumed the same for the guys. I had made my way through the crowd twice before I spotted them.

  Nick was standing in the middle of the room, wearing black pants and a black jacket over a crisp white collared shirt, his collar and sleeves unbuttoned. My heart lurched in my throat just at the sight of him. He was busy talking to a group of people and I was able to slip by him without being noticed. Mason was at the bar, as per usual, with some girl on his arm. He looked bored. That was when I decided it was time for me to leave, before either of them noticed I was there. It was presumptuous of me to think that I was still a thought in their mind after all this time but I couldn’t chance knowing either way. I found my mother and gave her a big hug and told her to enjoy the rest of her night.

  “Are you leaving?” She asked surprised.

  “Yes.” I said trying to smile.

  “Why?” She stepped away from the woman she was talking to. “Yes, before either of them see me. I don’t want to talk to them

  and it has been four months since I’ve had to deal with either of them. I would like to keep it that way.” I stated. “ It would be better to show them how you have moved on,” she said grimacing.

  “Maybe,” I said my voice quiet. “Night mom.”

  ***** I stopped going to the country club with Cassie and any events that she invited me to. I was staying away from her family as much as possible. I knew I couldn’t avoid the brothers forever, not as long as I lived here in Portland. If she wanted to see me she had to come to my place or we went somewhere out of town to party. Then she left for university.

  Then it hit me.

  I would need to move somewhere where I wouldn’t see them. Where there was no excuse to make up, or party to leave just to avoid them. This wasn’t the life I wanted to live. So I gently broke the news to my mother. I hated the thought of leaving her again, but it had been two months since I started pitching my work, and no matter what I did, no one was biting.

  “I’m sorry, mom, but Portland just isn’t working for me. Maybe my work would get notice elsewhere like in New York or even back in LA.” I said with a shrug.

  “I have someone in mind,” she said, walking away.

  “Mom, it’s okay. I want to see New York anyway.” I added.

  “That is so far away sweetie,” she said. I had to look away from the hurt in her eyes. It was far, it was across the country. “Just give me a day,” she said, then disappeared.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Summer was over, and the portfolio I set up had shots from every season. It consisted of photographs with friends and family; the others were just scenery. The sketches were of a more personal nature and most of them done by memory. My mother had not succeeded in making me stay. Whomever she was to contact I guess didn’t pan out.

  Then two days before I was to leave, she got a call from someone and convinced me to go to Seattle and check it out.

  “After this if it doesn’t work, I’m leaving,” I said, hugging her.

  “Okay, I’m fine with that,” she said, kissing me on the cheek. “I love you, Lauren.”

  “Love you too, Mom.” I grabbed the box holding everything I needed to put on display.

  I filled my gas tank before heading to Seattle. That way I didn’t have to stop the whole way there, only filling up if I had to on the drive home. I looked at my watch. It was 10:00 a.m. I was meeting the dealer by two. It was more than enough time to get there and set up. Not only did I have to sell my work, bu
t I also had to sell myself. I had to prove to them that taking a chance on me would be worth their while.

  It was the first time I had been alone in months. My mind started wandering about things I had not thought in a long while. Seattle was not that far from where Nick and Mason lived. Dredging up memories I had pushed to the back of my mind months ago, I couldn’t help but think of them and wonder how they were doing. Then before I knew it, I was in Seattle.

  I pulled up to the building where the meeting was to take place and knocked on the glass door. A tall, slender, older blonde woman came walking up to let me in.

  “Hey there, you must be Lauren,” she said with a French accent.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m Isobel,” she said, offering her hand. “You’re a little early, but I presume you want to set up?”

  “Yes.”

  “No problem.” She said gesturing for me to follow. “I’ll show you where you can set up, and then I’ll leave you to it. The dealer and client will be by shortly.” She added.

  “Client?” I asked, surprised.

  “Oh yes.” She said with a nod. “Sometimes we have clients who prefer to purchase art before anyone else sees it. But don’t get your hopes up. Sometimes they don’t buy anything.” She said with a pleasant smile. We walked down the hall and around a corner. “You can set up in here. I’ll let you know when they have arrived.”

  “Thank you so much,” I replied nervously.

  “Again it is not a problem at all.” She said then walked away.

  It was getting close to the time that I was to meet the dealer and the client. I paced the corner of the gallery in anticipation. I saw Isobel first when she came around the corner followed by an older gentleman and a young woman.

  “Lauren , I would like you to meet Mr. Worthington. He is one of our biggest nautical clients. When he had heard your photos were mostly of his favourite theme, he was very interested in joining us today,” she introduced. Mr. Worthington held out his hand. I accepted it with a nod.

  “Pleasure to meet you,” I replied. “This is the gallery’s main dealer, Claudia Porter.” The pretty brunette stepped forward, shaking my hand.

  “I’ll be in the front if you need me,” Isobel replied, then made her exit.

  “Lauren, why don’t you talk us through what you have here?” Claudia asked.

  “Absolutely,” I said nervously. I stood in front of the first photograph on the left side of the wall.

  I had a tendency to drown my pain in my art and the first one I put on display was one that I had done a few months ago, after things ended with Mason and me. I had been walking along the beach where he had taken me and just started taking picture until my car was full. The best one was of the lighthouse on the pier. Mr. Worthington took a liking to it as well, I could tell. I left out the real reason behind the beach photos. It was more of a healing moment than anything else. Once we were done with the photos, we looked at the sketches that I had placed on the table. There were four of them. All of them were from the time I spent with Nick while he volunteered. Claudia took a special interest in them also.

  “Where was this?” she asked looking up at me.

  “Portland,” I replied.

  “These are very intimate pieces. Did you know these people?” she asked.

  My cheeks flushed, and I tried to keep my voice even as I spoke. “Yes. He was—someone very special to me.” The tears hovered on my lashes.

  “Was?” Her eyes squinted. “Well, they are beautiful,” she replied. Her head tilted slightly to the left. “I need to make a quick call. I’ll be right back.”

  “You have a keen eye, Miss Miller,” Mr. Worthington stated.

  “Thank you, sir,” I said, disguising my excitement.

  “Your attention to detail is impeccable. I mean, this painting here feels so real, as if I am there in that storm,” he said, pointing to the oil painting I had done after I caught Mason cheating. “Do you like to sail?” he asked, turning to look at me.

  “I do,” I answered, even though I had not been on a boat since my father died.

  “It shows.” He smiled.

  Claudia came walking back towards us, and Mr. Worthington gave her a nod. “I have another client coming by. You don’t mind waiting, do you, Lauren?”

  “No, not at all,” I said, feeling my heart race a little.

  “It was a pleasure meeting you, Lauren and I am looking forward to hanging your work on display in my home and my office.” He stated.

  “Thank you,” I said, breathy and the grin on my face widening.

  He shook my hand, and then left with Claudia. I clenched at my chest excitedly. When Claudia returned, she was smiling and placed a “Sold” signs over three pieces of my work.

  “Wow! I’m so thrilled he liked my work,” I gasped.

  “I like it as well. There is something about those sketches that really hits home for me.” She smirked. I looked at the sketches of Nick, then back at her. I eyed her a moment, her smile widening as she watched me figure it out.

  “Did you say—your last name is Porter?” I asked, holding my breath. Her smile stretched, showing off her pearly whites.

  “I did.” She nodded. “When I got the call to meet with you, I never took into account that you could be the infamous, Lauren.” She stepped closer.

  “Who are you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

  “I’m Robert Porter’s daughter,” she replied.

  My eyes widened and the breath escaped my lungs. “Oh my god,” I gasped. That’s who my mother had called to help give me a chance. “Is Robert coming here?”

  She shook her head. “No, but I do have a client coming. I believe he will be very interested in some of these pieces as well,” she said.

  “I didn’t realize Robert had a daughter.” I said.

  “I’m his stepdaughter,” she replied. “But I like to think of him as my real father since the real one was never in the picture.” She rolled her eyes. Claudia was a very beautiful girl with long brown curly hair and deep amber eyes. Her phone vibrated and she glanced down at it. “I’ll be right back.” She smiled then disappeared around the corner. I walked over to the sketches that I had drawn of Nick and stared at them. I missed him desperately, now that I thought about it. My eyes stung as the tears welled. My head snapped up as I heard Claudia’s shoes clacking on the hardwood floor. I spun around to greet them, and my heart stopped when Nick came around the corner. When he looked from her to me, I swear his did the same. Her smile stretched from ear to ear.

  “I’ll give you a moment.” She rubbed her hand across his back, then turned and left. Nick stood there a moment staring, his eyes focused on me.

  “Hey,” he whispered, slowly walking closer. He looked great in his two-piece navy suit and bright-white collared shirt. “Hi.” I smiled. Inside I thought I was going to die.

  “My sister called me down here. She said there were some sketches I needed to see.” He had his arms crossed, his chin resting on his knuckles, and his thumb brushing across his bottom lip. I nodded and walked over to the table. He stood next to me but a good space between us. I watched from my peripheral vision his reaction. He rubbed his chin with his hand. “Is that—is that me?” he choked.

  “Yes.” I turned to face him.

  “They are—really good.” He nodded. I sensed that he was uncomfortable, so I stepped back. “When did you do these? I don’t ever remember seeing you sketch them when we were together,” he said, his voice breaking.

  “I started the first one about a month ago,” I replied. His head shot up and he stared at me, wide-eyed and mouth ajar.

  “The detail is amazing, Lauren,” he said. “You were able to sketch that from memory?” I nodded. Then he looked over my shoulder, and I knew he had seen the painting. What I had not expected was the pained look on his face. “Lauren—” He gasped and walked past me and stood in front of it. “Is that us?” his voice croaked. I painted the night at his mother’s house, on New Yea
r’s Eve, when he had taken me to the garden and poured his heart out. His head slowly turned to face me.

  “Yes,” I replied unable to look at him. He turned back to the painting and just stood there, silently staring.

  When Claudia came back, he looked over at her, and then walked out. She frowned as she tried to stop him from leaving. “Nick—” then looked over at me.

  “I think—it was too much,” I said with a shrug, fighting the urge to burst into tears.

  “I’ll be right back.” She shook her head and walked out. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and hugged my arms tight around myself. I didn’t blame Nick for being upset because for me, just seeing him overwhelmed me. Nick and Claudia had been taking a long time, so I decided to go and find them. They were outside. As I approached the door, Nick’s eyes fluttered and he looked away. I could see his shoulders rising and falling rapidly as he stood there avoiding my stare. My heart raced as I opened the door stepping out.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yes.” Claudia forced a smile, looking over at me. “I have some good news for you.” She said walking towards me. My eyes were on Nick. I waited for him to look at me again but he never did.

  “What’s your news?” I asked.

  “I’m having an opening tomorrow night, and I would like to display your work. Would you be able to stay . . . here in Seattle for a few nights?” she asked.

  “Oh—” I gasped, surprised. “I—I never planned for that.” I blushed. “I can be back tomorrow afternoon, if that’s fine?”

  “Is there something you need in order to stay?” she asked.

  “Clothes and shower supplies.” I chuckled. “I don’t even know where there’s a hotel in this town,” I added.

  “You could stay with me,” Claudia suggested. “You’re a bit more slender than I am but I’m sure we can find you something to wear.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to impose.” I replied.

  “Nonsense. Your work is brilliant, and I think we can get some potential sales here,” she said.