I watch as he grabs his glasses and coffee cup and saunters toward the front door. Confused, I follow him, wondering if he’s going to pull anything else.
When he opens the door and steps on the porch, he spins around and looks me in my eyes. “I know I can be hard to handle at times, and I’m known for my big mouth and constant jokes, but when it comes to a closeted person, a celebrity at that, I’d hope you’d know me well enough to know I’d never say anything to anyone. You’re my friend, and I want you to be happy, but I’m serious when I say that being around you two makes it clear there’s something there. He needs to be careful if he wants to keep this secret.” He slips his sunglasses on and turns on his heel to walk down the steps. “I’m off. Call me when you need me.”
24
Merrick
Present Day
Cillian and Royce’s shocked faces stare back at me while Elijah simply pulls his lips into a small smile. I always figured he knew.
My heart slams against my chest repeatedly as I wait for someone to say something. Should I explain? Is there even more to say?
“You’re gay?” Royce asks.
I nod. “Yeah.”
Cillian lets out a nervous chuckle. “Uh, do the chicks you’ve been photographed with know? I’m confused.”
Royce rolls his eyes at Cillian before looking at Elijah. “Why don’t you look surprised? Did you know?”
I shake my head. “I never told Elijah, but there was a situation when I was sixteen—”
“Sixteen?” Cillian says. “For all these years, Merrick?”
I furrow my brow slightly. “Yeah, I’ve been gay all these years.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant. I mean you’ve been hiding it for all these years. You knew back when you were sixteen, and now you’re twenty-seven.”
“How did you keep such a big part of yourself a secret? Why?” Royce asks, his mouth pulling into a frown and his eyes turning sad.
I shrug. “I was scared. I was even ashamed at first. I didn’t know how to talk about it. I worried Mom and Dad wouldn’t approve. I wondered if I’d be a disappointment, and even thought maybe it was better they never got the chance to know.”
“Merrick, no,” Elijah says, shaking his head. “Mom and Dad would love you just the same. They would never see you as a disappointment. I know you were young when they died, but you should know Mom and Dad were the most loving and supportive people. They weren’t homophobic in any way.”
“And neither are we,” Royce adds. “I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes, but I wish you would’ve felt comfortable talking to us about this. We love you.”
“Being gay doesn’t change who you are. You’re our little brother, always,” Cill says.
“I’m so sorry you’ve been keeping this to yourself all this time,” Elijah says. “I can’t imagine the frustration and pain, but always know we have your back one thousand percent.”
I smile, emotion flooding my body and bringing forth a few tears. “God, it feels good to get it out.”
They each get up from their seats, so I stand up, and one by one, I embrace my brothers as I allow some of the weight I’ve been carrying to be lifted from my shoulders.
After a few minutes, we all get comfortable again and I wipe away any remaining tears.
“Are you going to come out publicly?” Royce asks.
“That’s the ultimate goal. I have to talk to the guys.”
“Nobody knows?” Cill questions.
I shake my head. “No, well, one person knows.” They all watch me expectantly. “Ali. He’s known since I was sixteen.”
A few seconds tick by before Cillian says, “Sixteen. You said something happened at sixteen.”
I glance over at Elijah. “I. . .uh, well, you know Ali’s gay, right? He came out years back. Well, one night Elijah walked in on us kissing. I thought I might have gotten away with it, because he never brought it up, but I always wondered if he saw more than he led on.”
Royce stares at Elijah and Cillian keeps his eyes trained on me. “You and Alejandro?”
I sigh. “It’s a long, convoluted story. I’ve messed up a lot, and I’m ready to make things better now.”
“You knew all along?” Royce asks Elijah.
“I assumed, but I wasn’t going to question him about it if he wasn’t comfortable. After I caught them, I didn’t want to put any more pressure on a sensitive situation, so I didn’t get onto him about the drinking and smoking. Everything kind of clicked in that moment, though. The acting out made sense to me, so I figured I’d wait for him to be ready to talk to me about it. I’ve tried a few times to get him talking,” he says, giving me a look, “But he’s a good bullshitter.”
Royce takes a deep breath, letting his shoulders drop as he exhales. “Wow, well, I wasn’t expecting this, but I’m glad you told us. And I hope everything else goes okay. I’m sure it’s been harder since becoming famous.”
“Right, which is why I let people see me how they want to see me. There’s no questions about my sexuality if I’m always seen with women. But I don’t want to mess things up for the guys by coming out.”
“I don’t know if that’ll happen,” Cill says.
“And that’s the problem. I wish I knew everything would be fine. Straight people never have to come out and have a whole speech prepared explaining how long they’ve been straight. It’s annoying as fuck to have to stress over. But I’m going to tell the guys first, because they deserve to know the media frenzy I’ll start when I come out. If they want me to leave the band, I will.”
“Whoa,” Royce says. “I don’t think they’ll make you do that, and that’s quite a decision.”
“Yeah, but living my life as me is more important. I don’t want to live this lie anymore. It’s physically painful. I can’t keep pretending to like women. I can’t keep pushing away a guy who means more to me than I’d ever imagined. Not coming out means never being able to be in love and settle down.”
“And everyone deserves that,” Elijah says. “So, we’re behind you one hundred percent.”
Cill smirks. “You can invite Alejandro over now.”
I shake my head, a smile on my lips. “I have a lot of making up to do. I’ve just convinced him to be my friend again. I’m not gonna push him. Plus, taking these steps; telling you, the band, the label, that’s what I need to do to prove to him I’m not full of shit.”
Now I need to find a way to meet up with the guys. I don’t know if they’ll all want to come back to Gaspar, but I’m going to try my hardest to convince them. And I can’t wait too long. I’m dying to be back with Ali.
25
Alejandro
Present Day
Ever since Merrick showed back up in my life, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. To be fair, even when he was gone I thought about him fairly often. . .too often, considering we hadn’t spoken in years.
But now. . .now it’s on another level. When I wake up, I wonder what he’s doing. When I’m eating, driving, and even talking to somebody, I think about when I’m going to see him again. I’m already craving his affection and attention, but now he’s holding back. I can’t be mad at him for the reasoning, because the truth of the matter is he’s doing this for me.
When it comes to Merrick, I’ve always been willing to go along with whatever he wants to do, and as much as I want to be with him, I know if I fall into the same routine, I’ll only hate myself. I meant what I said when I told him I need more than words, and even if it means torturing myself in the process, I have to keep from succumbing to my sexual desires.
We can go back to being friends. I know he has more on his plate than I do, and I’m willing to support him. I just have to find a way to not think about him naked. I have to forget what it feels like when his lips are against mine, and what it does to me to have his hard body pressed against mine as he thrusts inside of me.
Fuck.
Yeah, it’s hard to onl
y be friends with someone when you can close your eyes and remember the way their body feels against yours, and the way they taste on your tongue, but fuck it, let’s give it a try.
I’m two houses away from mine, sprinting as fast as I can like I’m trying to run away from the memories of me and Merrick together, when my phone starts vibrating against my arm as it rests in the armband.
When I come to a stop in my driveway, I answer the phone, breathing heavily.
“Hello?”
“Oh, uhh, are you busy?” Merrick asks.
“No, I’m good. What’s up?” I ask, still sucking in deep breaths.
“Kinda sounds like you’re working out. . .or something else I hope isn’t happening right now.”
I laugh as I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. “I just went for a run.”
“Oh. I need to do some running, too. I’ve been eating all this hotel food and not working out at all. I’m gonna get fat.”
“I doubt it,” I say, making my way inside my house.
“You gonna let me run with you or what?”
I shake my head and pull the refrigerator door open. “You can if you want. If you think you can keep up with me.”
Merrick chokes out a laugh. “Please, I’ve always been the fastest of us two.”
I snatch a bottle of water out of the fridge and uncap it, pouring half of it down my throat before I reply. “Your memory must be out of whack if you think that.”
“You’re crazy. I was always the fastest and the best basketball player. Remember?”
“I’ll let you think that. What’re you up to?”
He sighs. “Shit, nothing. Just hanging out at the hotel for now.”
“How was Sunday dinner with your brothers?”
“Good. Really good,” he replies, and I can practically hear the smile in his tone.
“Nice. I have to go back and visit my mom and sister soon. They always hound me in the summers if I don’t go see them every weekend.”
“So, you’ll be back in town soon?”
“You anxious to see me or what?” I flirt, then instantly regret it. We’re supposed to be friends. Only friends.
“Always,” he answers immediately. “We need to get to a basketball court so I can refresh your memory.”
“Oh please.”
“Oh, sounds like someone doesn’t want to be proven wrong,” he says with a chuckle.
“You’re crazy, and I need to get in the shower. I’m a sweaty mess.”
“Mm.” Merrick’s moan threatens to bring my cock to life. “It’s too bad we’re only friends, because we could definitely have some fun revisiting some other activities that turned you into a sweaty mess.”
My pulse races as my cock twitches. “Merrick,” I warn, though, I really want him to keep going.
“Ali.” He growls my name in the sexiest way. “I know we’re just friends, but a man can remember the past, can’t he? You’d never be able to wipe my memories of you even if you tried.”
“It’s okay to remember the past,” I say, making my way to my room where I remove my socks and shoes. “We did a lot of growing up together.”
“I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you,” he says, bringing me to a halt. “I worried I was the only gay kid in Gaspar back then, but I had you. I always had you, and you made everything better.”
My heart swells, and I take a seat on the edge of my mattress. “I was glad I had you, too.”
“Fuck, Ali,” Merrick breathes. “There’s so much I want to say to you.”
“So say it.”
He sighs. “It’s not the right time, but don’t give up on me yet, okay?”
I wonder what he’s talking about, but I don’t hesitate to reply. “Okay.”
“Now go take a shower, and let me know when you’re in town. I want to see you.”
“Okay, I will.”
26
Merrick
5 Years Ago
After recording our album, me and the guys came back home to enjoy some time with our friends and families before the album was released.
Royce invited us all to King’s Tavern so we decided to put on a little show by performing our single. With me on the guitar, Carlos on the bass, and Jay behind the drums, Sky grabs the mic and begins to sing.
When we’re done, cheers fill the room, and Sky tells everyone to go buy our album when it comes out. He and the other guys go straight to the bar, but I stop and talk to Elijah and Royce.
“Damn, man. Y’all seem to have gotten even better,” Royce says.
“Well, we’re always fucking playing,” I say with a laugh. “I can’t wait for y’all to hear the rest of our shit.”
Royce looks past me. “Is that Alejandro?”
My heart jumps in my throat. I had no idea he was going to be here. After glancing over my shoulder, I try to play it cool. “Well, shit. I think so. I’ll be back. Thanks for letting me perform.”
“Are you kidding? Go on, man,” Royce says, pushing me toward Ali.
He’s standing near the wall with Lexie. She smiles when I approach, but Ali remains stoic.
“Oh my gosh, Merrick. You guys are so good!”
I give her a grin. “Thank you.” My eyes cut to Ali. “Hey, Ali.”
Lexie looks between us before noticing someone at the bar. She places her hand on my arm and smiles. “I’ll be back, but congratulations. Don’t forget us little people when you’re rich and famous.”
I chuckle. “I won’t.”
Left alone with Ali, I slip my hands in my back pockets and watch him. “I didn’t know you were gonna be here.”
“I wasn’t planning on it. Lexie got me here. I guess she got wind y’all might show up and forced me to come along.”
“Oh.”
“So, how long are you in town for this time?” he asks, barely looking at me.
“Not long. Tomorrow is my last day.”
He lifts his chin in the air and looks to the side. “And then you’ll be gone forever?”
“You know it won’t be forever.”
Ali finally meets my gaze. “Do I? I only know what you tell me, and it seems you pick and choose what to say.”
“Besides this being my home, you’re here. Of course I’ll come back.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t say things to try to make me feel better.”
“I’m not. It’s the truth.”
His eyes connect with someone behind me, and when I spin to get a look, I see Lexie calling him over.
“I gotta go. Congratulations on everything.”
“Ali.”
He walks away without looking back.
Hours later, I’m at Elijah’s finishing dinner with my brothers. At the last minute, we decided to have a going away party. I was sure to get in touch with Lexie and invite her and Ali, hoping she’d get him here, because I know he won’t show up if I invite him.
Sky and the guys show up with a handful of people, and I try not to pace the room waiting to see if Ali shows up. I join everyone in the den as people start drinking and mingling, and when the doorbell rings, Elijah gets up to answer it. Seconds later, as my heart pounds in my chest, I spot Lexie, Leo, and Ali. My breath leaves my lungs in rush and my lips curl up on one side.
I approach them with a grin. “Hey, thanks for showing up.”
“Are you kidding me? Like I’d ever turn this down,” Lexie says, her pink lips stretching into a wide smile. “Thanks for inviting us. Me and Leo were just. . .”
She keeps talking, but I can’t help but gaze over her shoulder where Ali stands, looking both uncomfortable and annoyed. I wonder what she did or said to get him here, because I’m pretty sure this is the last place he wants to be.
Ali’s eyes find mine, but he just stoically stares at me. He doesn’t look angry, but he’s definitely not happy either.
“Mind if we get a drink? Merrick?”
I snap out of my daze. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. Help yourself,” I say, gesturin
g to the liquor.
She and Leo walk away, and it looks like Ali’s about to follow them, but I step in front of him and put my hand on his chest briefly before dropping my arm to my side.
“Hey.”
When Ali looks at me, my heart shatters because he looks broken and sad, and I know it’s my fault.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him.
“Why’s that?”
I take a step back, giving us a respectable distance. “Because I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
He shakes his head and bites on his bottom lip, not in the way I’m used to. It’s not because he’s flirting with me or because he’s turned on. He’s biting his lip in a way that lets me know he’s trying to keep from saying something.
“You know what, Kingston?” He chuckles humorlessly, and I brace myself for the attack. I know he’s getting ready to aim an arrow at my heart and let loose. “Even after the lies and bullshit, my heart still sings when I see you, and I wish more than anything that I’d never met you.”
I jolt back. “Why would you say that?”
His brown eyes have lost their warmth, and now as he looks at me, they appear to be slightly red and on the verge of releasing tears. “Because I know I’ll never love anybody the way I love you. I’ll never find anybody who will be able to compare to you, and I’ll live the rest of my life knowing my soulmate is out there and I can’t be with him.”
The arrow he fired off makes its way through my heart, splitting it in two, leaving an ache in my chest. I quickly glance around to see if anybody’s paying attention, and when I find that everybody’s preoccupied, I tug on his shirt sleeve and say, “Follow me.”
I leave the den and make a left turn and go straight to the back door. When I turn the knob and pull it open, Ali walks past me and steps onto the platform of the staircase. I join him and close the door behind us, giving us some privacy.
Risking it All: An M/M, rockstar, second chance romance (Kingston Brothers Book 4) Page 10
