Dread sits heavy in my stomach, and as soon as I’m done eating, I say goodbye and head back home.
Before I fall asleep, I think about what’s going to happen if he’s decided to not come out after all.
43
Merrick
Present Day
I took the coward’s way out and turned my phone off as soon as I got back to Gaspar. I didn’t know how to approach the situation with Ali, and still don’t, but I know I won’t be able to ignore him for long. Today is a new day, and I’ll have to invite him over and tell him what happened and hope he can be patient with me for a little longer.
I’ve tried calling Evan, but he must still be pissed at me, because he keeps sending me straight to voicemail.
Because I’m afraid Ali will ask me questions over the phone, I send a text and tell him to come to the hotel.
I pace through each room for about half an hour until I hear a knock on the door. When I open it, I can read the apprehension on his face immediately. He eyes me curiously before stepping inside.
“Hey,” I greet with what I hope is an easy-going smile.
“Hey.” His response is stilted.
“Thanks for coming,” I reply, hearing the tension in my voice.
“Yeah, what happened to you yesterday? You disappeared on me.”
“Yeah.” I run my hand over my face as I make my way to the couch. “Sorry about that. It was a crazy day.”
Ali takes a seat on the same couch, but on the opposite end. The air is radiating with trepidation, and we both seem to be aware that things are about to take a turn.
I realize now I should’ve kissed him as soon as he stepped inside, because I’m not sure I’ll get the chance once I tell him what happened yesterday.
“What happened?” he asks, sitting stiffly in the corner.
I take a deep breath and slowly blow it out, then I lift my head and meet his gaze. “Ali.” His name is a plea for forgiveness on my lips.
Ali gives me a disappointed sigh as his shoulders drop. “You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I can explain,” I say before realizing immediately that it was the wrong thing to say. It’s the cliché I fucked up phrase.
He stands up. “Don’t bother. I already assumed you didn’t, otherwise you would’ve been excited to tell me and wouldn’t have vanished for nearly twenty-four hours. You know, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I told you I didn’t want to think about it, but you made me believe you. Once again, Merrick fucking Kingston got into my head and my heart and convinced me to do something I knew I shouldn’t.”
I jump to my feet and approach him. “Ali, don’t. Please let me explain. I was going to tell them. I was ready! But Kit was in a terrible mood, and Evan—”
Ali holds up his hand. “Merrick, stop. I can’t listen to any more excuses. I spent all of last night thinking about what I should do if this situation arose. I stayed up late, warring with myself over what the right decision would be. My heart says one thing and my brain says another.” He takes a deep breath and the heartbreak in his eyes is like a punch to the gut. Once again, I’ve hurt the only person I’ve ever loved. “Merrick, I love you.”
“I love you,” I reply hurriedly.
He shakes his head. “But I can’t do this.”
“Ali, no. I’m going to tell them. I’m trying to get in touch with Evan. He won’t answer me, but—”
“I stayed in the closet longer than I wanted to for you. I waited and waited, thinking you’d be ready soon, but that never happened, so I did it on my own. I found a boyfriend who really cared about me and who I really liked, but as soon as you were back in town, you tell me you’ll tell people. You tell me you want a future with me, so I end it so I can be with you. Because it’s always been you, Merrick.” He swallows down his emotion as my heart cracks in my chest. “And I let myself be in a secret relationship with you. I let myself listen to you tell me about our plans, all the while you had other plans coming to fruition. Plans you didn’t tell me about.”
“Ali,” I plead, wanting him to stop. It hurts too much to hear what I’ve done. I can’t imagine how he feels.
“And after years of trying to put you behind me, you come waltzing back in my life. You gave me hope again. You promised me things again.” He sighs, turning around to walk to the door. When he gets there, he spins back around and faces me. “I love you more than I’ll ever love anybody, but I can’t do this to myself again. I have to hurt us both by walking away just so you can’t hurt me again.”
“Ali,” I beg, rushing for him and grabbing his hand in mine. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Please.”
His eyes brim with unshed tears. “I can’t keep lying either, Merrick. I hope you understand. I want you to do whatever it is you want to do on your own time and for your own reasons, but I have to do this for me.”
I watch as his eyes roam my face, like he’s studying me one last time, then he tugs out of my grip and opens the door and walks out of my life, leaving me an empty shell.
44
Alejandro
Present Day
It’s been a week. The longest and hardest week I’ve had since Merrick left the first time. Jordy and Lili have called and texted, but I’ve wanted nothing to do with anybody. I can’t bring myself to tell Jordy he was right, and I can’t even tell Lili anything. It would only be another lie.
Surprisingly, Merrick hasn’t tried to get in touch either. If I expected him to grovel, beg, apologize a thousand times, I was wrong. He seems to be leaving me alone, which was what I wanted, but it still hurts.
My phone vibrates next to me, and I reach for it, almost hoping I see Merrick’s name across the screen.
Jordy: Clearly something happened. You may not want to talk about it, but please let me know you’re okay.
Me: I’m fine. I’ll call you later.
As a string of messages from Jordy start coming through, I shut off my phone and toss it onto the coffee table. I busy myself by cleaning and rearranging some furniture, doing everything I can to keep from thinking about how things ended between Merrick and me.
I know in my heart that this was the best decision for me to make, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
An hour later, as I’m lying across the couch, someone knocks on my door. After ignoring it for a few minutes, a knock on my window makes me jolt up.
“Fucking Jordy,” I mumble, trying to get a glimpse outside.
A baby starts crying and then I hear Lili’s voice. “For fuck’s sake, Alejandro, if you don’t open the goddamn door and leave me and your baby niece out here in the heat, I will murder you.”
I shake my head, fighting off a smile as I rush to the door and swing it open. I take a step onto the porch and peek over toward the window, finding Lili trying to look through the closed blinds.
“Uh, hello, peeping Tom.”
She scoffs, facing me and marching toward the steps. “Is your phone broken or what? You can’t call anybody back?”
Lili pushes past me and into the house. “It’s off. What did you need?”
She makes another noise in the back of her throat as she unbuckles Mari from her seat. “I don’t need anything but my brother to not disappear and not answer his phone. I had to hear from Jordy that you were okay.”
“I just texted him. Did you come straight over after hearing from him?”
“Yep.” She turns, holding the baby in one arm while trying to unzip the diaper bag.
“What do you need?” I ask, taking the bag from her. “I’ll get it.”
“My cover up. I need to feed her, and I’m not whipping my tit out in front of my brother.”
I snort and find the aqua-colored material and hand it over. “Here.”
She plops down onto the couch and tugs it over her head before positioning Mari underneath. “So, what the hell is going on? You were supposed to come over to Mami’s on Wednesday, and when we call and text, we get ignored.”
I drop t
o the chair to the left of her, blowing out a deep breath. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Well, I’m done letting you get away with not telling me stuff, so I’m not leaving until you tell me.”
“You’ll have to leave eventually. You don’t have enough diapers in that bag to last that long.”
“Joke’s on you, because I just stopped by the store before I came here, and I have diapers and wipes in my car.” She throws me a satisfied smile and stares at me with wide eyes.
“Lili, I’m fine.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Lili.” I say her name on a breath. It’s basically a plea to stop asking because I can’t keep lying. I don’t even have the energy to come up with a lie right now.
“When are you going to stop treating me like a little kid? You’ve always acted like you couldn’t be bothered with me. Like I’m just annoying you with my presence. I’m an adult, too, you know? I’m only three years younger than you. You can tell me things. I have advice I can give. I can listen and be a shoulder to cry on. You’re my brother, Alejandro. You don’t have to go through things alone.”
Her words are like a slap in the face. I never meant to make her feel like I don’t care about her or that I’m annoyed by her. I’ve always had that big brother mentality. I’m always willing to protect her and listen to her cry when she’s had her heartbroken, but I never go to her when something’s happening in my life.
“You don’t annoy me, Lil.” She gives me a look. “Well, you do, but I annoy you, too. That’s what we do.” I laugh a little before turning serious again. “I love you, and I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings. I don’t think you’re a kid. You’re an amazing woman, and already such a great mother.”
She cracks me a smile before dropping it and saying, “Good, now fucking tell me the truth.”
“Ah!” I exclaim, falling back into the chair and bringing my hands to my face briefly before letting them drop. “You’re killing me.”
Lili shifts Mari around under the cover, feeding her from the other side, then she pins me with her eyes. “It’s Merrick, isn’t it?” she says softly, tilting her head.
“What do you mean?” I ask cautiously.
Her shoulders drop with a sigh. “Just tell me, Alejandro. I’m not going to say anything. I’ll let you talk.”
After years and years of lying, omitting, and withholding details from my sister, I finally open my mouth and tell her everything. Surprisingly, she actually stays quiet, though she releases a few gasps, and makes enough faces to convey what she’s thinking.
Once I’m done, she says, “Can I talk now?”
I nod with a small grin. “Go ahead.”
She stands up and sways back and forth while patting Mari on the back as she holds her up on her shoulder. “Okay, wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. Merrick is gay. I was starting to think maybe this was an unrequited love situation.”
“You can’t say anything about him.”
“I know, I won’t say anything, but holy shit!” she widens her eyes. “And you two were dating as teenagers?”
I move my head from side to side. “Not dating, per se, but yeah, we were hooking up.”
“Okay, so you’re mad because he kept saying he was gonna come out but never did, and that made you have to stay on the down low for longer than you wanted?” I nod. “Okay, and then you came out, he came back, and you went back to secret dating because he still wasn’t ready?” I give her another nod. “But he kept saying things that led you to believe you were gonna be together and have all these plans, but instead he was signing with a label and about to bounce, but didn’t tell you?”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
Her eyes dart around like she’s trying to put together a puzzle in her head and is figuring where all the pieces are.
“But he came back just recently and you two made up, right? I mean, you’ve been hanging out and. . .stuff.”
I give her a look, but nod. “Yeah.”
“And now, he’s come out to his brothers, his bandmates, and was about to tell his label people so he could be out-out. Like, to the world?”
“But he didn’t. He had just been here, telling me he was going to do it and that we could make plans, and that he’d stick to them this time.”
Liliana sighs. “I understand the dilemma. You waited until you were twenty to come out, and that was later than you wanted to. I know how relieved you were to be out, but you can’t expect everyone to be so eager to come out, especially someone in his position.” I open my mouth to cut in, but she raises a hand. “I’m not saying you’re forcing him to do this, but he knows how you feel, so I’m sure he feels a little pressure regardless. He’s made huge steps already telling his family and closest friends, and that means that when you’re around any of them, you two can be yourselves.”
“I know, Lil, but it’s not just about that.”
“Did he tell you why he didn’t tell them?”
“I wasn’t in the mood for excuses.”
She shakes her head. “You have to hear him out, Alejandro.”
“I thought I could enjoy him for whatever time he could give me, but when it comes to him, I need more. I’m trying to protect my heart, Lil. I can’t go through this again.”
“Looks like you’re already heartbroken,” she says, her lips pulling down into a frown. “You disappear, don’t answer calls or texts and never leave your house.”
“It could be much worse.”
“I get why you’re upset. I know what it’s like to be lied to, but it wasn’t like he kept lying to you about every little thing. He said he wanted to come out, but never mustered up the courage to be able to do it. That doesn’t mean he never intended to, it just means he’s scared.”
“I know, and I feel for him. I really do. But there comes a time when I have to put myself first, you know? If I continue to keep up this affair we’re having, that means I lose the freedom I have now. I won’t be able to date, because I’ll be with him, but I won’t be able to talk about him. I won’t be able to visit him or have him visit me. We won’t be able to walk outside and hold hands or even look at each other too long.”
Lili sighs, sitting back down on the couch and lying the baby across the middle cushion. “I get it. That would suck.” She grabs a diaper and some wipes. “But I don’t want you to miss out on something that might be amazing. You two have known each other since you were kids. There’s clearly something special between you.”
“I’ll never feel about anyone the way I feel about him,” I admit.
She smiles, her eyes watering. “Maybe just hear him out first and see what he has to say. Even if it doesn’t change your mind about being with him, because of having to keep it under wraps, maybe it’ll allow you to let go of some of this anger.”
“Maybe.”
She goes about changing the baby’s diaper, and once she’s done and has tossed the diaper in the trash, she sits back on the couch and says, “Now, tell me when you first knew you loved him.”
45
Alejandro
10 Years Ago
“I’m going to Merrick’s,” I tell my mom as I emerge from the hallway into the living room.
“When are you gonna be home? Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you can stay out all night. You’re still only sixteen.”
I sigh. “I don’t know. When do you want me home?”
She levels me with a stern look. “Before eleven. Is his brother home?”
“Yeah,” I lie. Merrick specifically told me Elijah wasn’t home.
“You’re not going anywhere else?”
“No, Ma. Gah,” I complain.
“Keep it up,” she warns.
“Sorry. I love you,” I say, kissing her forehead. “I’m gonna grab a Coke then I’m gonna go, okay?”
“Okay. Be careful.”
When I get to the kitchen, instead of taking a Coke, I swipe a few bottles of beer that she’s had stash
ed in the back of the pantry for a while, then I rush out before she can see me.
Me and Merrick have been best friends for the last year or so, ever since Mami moved me and my sister here after leaving our father. I can’t say I miss my dad; he wasn’t a good person when he was around, and we began to look forward to the times he’d disappear for days at a time.
It was hard leaving my friends and school behind, but when I met Merrick, we hit it off right away and we’ve been pretty inseparable since.
I’ve known I was gay for a few years now, but I’ve never told anybody. I don’t really know how I feel about it, and I have no idea how my mom and sister will react if I tell them. Homosexuality has never been discussed in our house, but that doesn’t mean my mom thinks it’s wrong. Maybe she’s just never had to think about it.
Either way, it’s my little secret, and I’ve done a good job keeping it to myself. However, as soon as me and Merrick started getting close, I knew right away how much I was attracted to him. I’ve found other guys attractive before, but it’s always been in passing. Like, I’d see someone on the street or someone at a restaurant that I thought was cute. This is the first time I’ve spent a massive amount of time with a guy that I was sexually attracted to, and every day we’re together, I hope I’m not making it obvious how I feel.
Not only is he drop-dead gorgeous with his blue eyes, blondish-brown hair, and tall, lithe frame, he’s also fun to be around. We’re always laughing, and we’ve never been in a fight about anything.
He’s brushed against me, making my body go stiff, and I’ve had to hope he didn’t question why I was being such a weirdo. He’d strip out of his clothes in front of me, which isn’t usually a big deal for guys, but I’d catch glimpses of his naked chest or wide back and would have to hide my face, knowing redness was blooming in my cheeks.
Risking it All: An M/M, rockstar, second chance romance (Kingston Brothers Book 4) Page 18
