What to Do When You Meet Cthulhu

by Rachel Gray

  The Great Cthulhu awakens. This is the big one. If the stars are ready (or right), and it is time for Cthulhu to wake from his slumber, then the game is over. Score: Cthulhu 1, Humanity 0. There are plenty of warning signs, as seen in “Call of Cthulhu.” The earliest indications will be increased funding for arts in public schools and universities. The world will be overrun by a wave of great writers, composers, sculptors, and painters. And then Cthulhu rises from the depths of the ocean and everything comes to an ugly end. If possible, avoid this scenario, or at the least, hope the Great Old One has so many other things going on that he overlooks your existence.

  At first blush, all of the above scenarios might appear hopeless, but that’s mostly because they are. However, they are not entirely devoid of hope. Consider Johansen in “The Call of Cthulhu.” This guy found Cthulhu, used a shipload of friends to keep him busy, rammed a yacht into Cthulhu’s head, and then managed to escape. At the very least, if Cthulhu awakens, he’ll be looking for Johansen’s descendants first. But even more important is that when face-to-face with one of the greatest threats the Cthulhu Mythos offers, humanity managed to slip away like a frightened mouse. Repeating this is not entirely impossible. Once again, being prepared, knowing the signs, understanding what to avoid, and who to have at your side is essential to surviving an encounter with even a creature as powerful as Cthulhu.

  WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET CTHULHU (AND WHAT NOT TO DO)

  Regardless of what mild hope has been offered up to this point, most everyone agrees that what you do when you meet Cthulhu is die. So, it’s best to avoid any personal meetings. And if forced into an encounter, offer up all of your friends at once (none of this one-at-a-time-stuff), put on your game face, nail him in the head with the largest object you can find (a ship would be a good start), then flee.

  In reality, what you do when you meet Cthulhu isn’t as important as what you don’t do. As a rule of thumb, it’s best not to raise the ire of a Great Old One. Nothing good ever comes of it. And unlike the long list of other giant creatures that climb out of the ocean, Cthulhu won’t limit himself to one or two major cities, grow sleepy and return to a watery bed. Once Cthulhu is really awake, he’ll be staying around to wreak havoc, so here is a list of things to avoid or not avoid:

  It should be apparent from the number of times Godzilla has attacked that there are no number of guns, tanks, electrical lines, missiles, planes, bombs, and clever traps that can stop him. This translates easily over to Cthulhu. All of the mentioned items have less of an effect on Cthulhu. Like all other giant monsters from the ocean (and Cthulhu is far more than that), standard military weapons are useless. Avoid using them, and it’s possible Cthulhu won’t go on a rampage.

  Multi-Chamber Human Launcher (MCHL). The name says it all. But, of course, many people are likely to think this is a cruel and inhumane weapon. This attitude exists mainly because it is a cruel and inhumane weapon. But in order to create any type of diversion, sacrifice is necessary (ask any cultist). Essentially what the MCHL attempts to do is pacify Cthulhu by offering him bite-sized human snacks. Think of how many people enjoy “Buffalo Wings.” It’s just as likely that Cthulhu will enjoy them as well—except humans are the morsels. No, this weapon won’t send him away. But it may distract Cthulhu, and allow for time to hide. And if enough snacks are offered up, he might just remember something else more important that he has to do in a different reality.

  One thing that is right off the list is filming Cthulhu. Sure, a giant creature invades New York City, your friends are dying, and you have a digital camera with a few hours of battery. The best thing that can be done is to hand the camera to a friend, and flee. Let the friend stay behind, attempting to get close-ups of the non-photogenic Cthulhu. In all probability, the first clear sight of Cthulhu drives the friend insane, and now he’s on a mission to get more footage. Meanwhile, Cthulhu’s rampaging, and very interested in destroying the human with the camera who keeps running through subways and climbing collapsing buildings to get a better angle.

  Joining a cult might be a good option. It is important to make sure you join the proper cult. If you already have the “Innsmouth Look,” or your last name is one of those on the Innsmouth watch list, then find the nearest coastal city, and there will be a cult waiting. But, for those less fortunate, simply find a major metropolitan city, or an out of the way rural town, and there will be a proper Cult of Cthulhu. Submit to their demands and become a member. While there is no guarantee this will protect you, it does provide an immediate increase in the number of “friends” who may be consumed first.

  Although no one has seriously suggested it, probably because no one has seriously suggested Cthulhu as a real threat, building a mecha-Cthulhu is just plain silly. Don’t even think about it. One Cthulhu is enough. Bringing a second Cthulhu-like thing is asking for trouble. Honestly, how else can a Great Old One respond to a cheap knock-off of himself with anything but contempt? And that contempt isn’t limited to the creators. No, it covers all of humanity. So encourage all of your friends away from building mecha-Cthulhus as well. This is one option best ignored.

  Summoning Nyarlathotep is worth a chance (have a friend do this). It is clear this Cthulhu Mythos deity is a trickster, and any deal made with him is going to have a bad outcome. But, because he’s unpredictable, he might create so much confusion and havoc that at the very least, you can find a safe haven.

  It is quite feasible that even after Cthulhu awakens, he’ll return to the ocean depths for one reason or another—really, no one can divine his plans or thoughts. If this does happen, don’t count it as a sign that all is well. And tempted as humanity might be, do what you can to help prevent the military from chasing across the ocean and launching depth charges in a feeble attempt to kill Cthulhu. Think about it. If military weapons on land have no effect, what are weapons underwater going to do? This doesn’t work in classic giant monster films, and it certainly won’t work in this case. Also, this rules out attack submarines, torpedoes, underwater mines, and nuclear weapons. Just forget about the weapons. Unless it is the MCHL.

  Consider becoming a human computer. There’s an upside to this. Remember the Mi-Go? They need processing power, and humans can provide it. While Cthulhu is ravaging the Earth, any human who agrees to place his or her brain in a Mi-Go brain cylinder can be traveling across the universe to safety. True, life after that will be very much like being a brain in a vat. But that’s because you’d be a brain in a vat. But a live brain.

  Broadcasting a signal across space in hopes that an alien race, or some equally giant monster will arrive to save the Earth is utterly ludicrous. It would be great to point out a best case and worst case scenario here, but there are none. All are worst cases. At worst, an entirely new Cthulhu Mythos alien race discovers Earth, and waits until Cthulhu departs. Once the place is clear, the new aliens arrive and enslave the few remaining humans who managed to survive. Or worse yet, a second, horrible, Cthulhu Mythos creature arrives and pals-up with Cthulhu to make sure no one is left behind—in this case meaning no survivors are left behind.

  Start sleeping. This is a long shot, given the amount of explosions, screaming, yelling, chanting, growling, and howling winds going on about you. But, if you’re persistent, you might fall into a slumber and sneak into the Dreamlands. Now mind you, things are not going to be much better there. And if Cthulhu desired it, he’d easily enter that reality. Still, there is a slim chance that since the Dreamlands are a creation of the human mind, they might not be visible to Cthulhu. Sure, Nyarlathotep and a number of other Cthulhu Mythos critters are there, but they’re a little different. Most of them stay in the Dreamlands or some other reality. Nyarlathotep, naturally, is the one that jumps around a lot, but using guideline #6 before entering the Dreamlands might keep Nyarlathotep busy enough to forget about the place until things settle down.

  When dealing with the Cthulhu Mythos, there are never guarantees. In fact, quite often there is little hope for success. However, f
or those readers who’ve managed to absorb the material in this book, either by reading, or by osmosis, the odds of surviving a disastrous encounter with the Cthulhu Mythos have been increased ever-so-slightly. Rest assured, those odds have barely increased, but again, when dealing with the Cthulhu Mythos, sometimes all it takes is a sliver of a chance to succeed (or fail).

  From this point on, the book offers handy references. Even though you might have absorbed the contents in their entirety, the chance of forgetting something important is highly likely. This means a quick reference section could be all that stands between you and an abysmal end at the claws of some Mythos creature. So take the knowledge in the prior pages, refresh it with the forthcoming pages, make plenty of friends and always anticipate that which cannot be anticipated.

  Cthulhu

  Quick

  Reference

  So now you’ve got the appropriate background material covered. You’ve absorbed numerous tricks and tips to help you survive on a day-to-day basis. You know the details from many Mythos stories, and are prepared to sound like a know-it-all at the meeting of the local Lovecraft Fiction Club.

  But let’s face it. When you’re running away, screaming from a Mythos monster, it sure would be handy to have a reference to determine what is about to devour you.

  So here’s a quick reference to help. For each entry, there’s also a threat level, and a What To Do section to help avoid un-necessary pain and suffering.

  AZATHOTH

  Shapeless Outer God sitting in the center of the universe. Azathoth rules over all other Outer Gods. It is sometimes referred to as the Blind Idiot God (although if you encounter Azathoth, try not to call it that).

  The massive Outer God has an entourage swirling around it, dancing, and playing flutes. Pretty good life.

  THREAT: Low, Azathoth is hard to get to unless you own a really fast spaceship (and if you do, please come see me).

  WHAT TO DO: Take some dance lessons, and learn how to play the flute.

  CTHULHU

  Enormous, green, squidlike Great Old One with tentacles and wings. Cthulhu slumbers in the underwater city of R’lyeh. One day, when the stars are ready, Cthulhu will return to Earth and make all of our lives miserable.

  THREAT: High, especially if you’re big into snorkeling.

  WHAT TO DO: Consult the previous chapter.

  DAGON

  Dagon is an ancient god of fish and fishing, possibly a Great Old One. It is worshiped by the Esoteric Order of Dagon.

  THREAT: Medium

  WHAT TO DO: Stay inland

  DEEP ONES

  Frog-fish creatures that live in the sea. They enjoy a human sacrifice or two, on occasion, and have no qualms about mating with humans. The Deep Ones have bred with the folks of Innsmouth for many years, resulting in a town full of freaky-looking, fish-eyed Deep One hybrids.

  THREAT: High

  WHAT TO DO: It’s generally best to stay out of Innsmouth after dark. And stay out of the water around those parts, as well.

  DREAMLANDS

  Alternate dimension existing on top of our own. The Dreamlands are primarily entered through dreams. Some people are rumored to be able to “dream up” portions of the Dreamlands.

  THREAT: Low, unless you take drugs to get there. Don’t do drugs! The Dreamlands can also be a threat if you decide to embark upon endless quests to find a pretty city you once dreamed about.

  WHAT TO DO: Don’t spend too much time in the Dreamlands. You don’t want to end up as a permanent resident, like King Kuranes.

  ELDER GODS: SEE OTHER GODS

  ELDER SIGN

  The Elder Sign is a symbol, sometimes depicted as a star with an eye in the center, or as a branch-like symbol. It is namely used to ward off threats from beyond.

  THREAT: None

  WHAT TO DO: Learn how to draw the Elder Sign. Any and all versions. Never hurts.

  ELDER THINGS

  Barrel-shaped, winged beasts found in Antarctica. These creatures came to Earth a billion years ago (give or take), and used to live on the surface, until the surface became inhospitable. Now they are rumored to live underwater in great cities. The Elder Things bio-engineered the slimy shoggoths.

  THREAT: High

  WHAT TO DO: Don’t dissect them, that’s a good start.

  FLYING POLYPS

  Flying polyps are an alien race that came to this planet, long ago. When the Yith arrived on Earth, they fought with the flying polyps, driving them underground. Later, the flying polyps surfaced, annihlating their foes.

  It’s rumored that the flying polyps still reside underneath the long-dead city of Pnakotus, in Australia.

  THREAT: High

  WHAT TO DO: Run

  FUNGI FROM YUGGOTH: SEE MI-GO

  GHASTS

  Large creatures that live in the Dreamlands. They hop around on large, kangaroo-like legs and look like nose-less humans. Ghasts like to hunt in packs.

  THREAT: Low (they live in the Dreamlands; you can always wake up)

  WHAT TO DO: The ghasts are primarily after food. Carry a bag of rib-eye steaks as a possible alternative, or trick the ghasts into chasing your best friend instead.

  GHOULS

  Ghouls are humanoid creatures with sickly, almost rubbery skin. They can be found in both the “real” world and in the Dreamlands. Their faces are canine in appearance. Contrary to popular belief, ghouls can be friendly toward humans, and in fact, some humans have been able to learn the ghouls’ gibbering language, and communicate with the creatures.

  THREAT: Low

  WHAT TO DO: Make friends with them, and learn their language. Ghouls can be quite helpful.

  GREAT OLD ONES (ALSO: OLD ONES)

  Extra-terrestrial beings that came from beyond the stars, in ancient times. Some of the Great Old Ones, such as Cthulhu, are colossal in size, whereas the Old Ones from The Mound are smaller, resembling Native Americans.

  Today, the Old Ones live in underground cities, or are imprisoned underwater. Some of them await a cosmic condition in which the “stars are ready” so that they can return to Earth’s surface and cause chaos. To this end, they enlist cults to worship them (and, if the Great Old Ones are lucky, the cults will hopefully bring this “stars are right” condition to fruition).

  THREAT: High

  WHAT TO DO: Depends on the Great Old One. Generally, it’s best to stay out of the way of the Great Old Ones, if you can.

  GREAT ONES

  These are weak gods of Earth that cavort about the Dreamlands (and, as might be recalled, went off to live in Randolph Carter’s mystical city, until Nyarlathotep put a stop to that).

  THREAT: Low

  WHAT TO DO: Don’t try to hunt them down to ask them questions. You might not run into issues with them, but their guardian, Nyarlathotep, is likely to show up and cause trouble.

  GUGS

  Gugs are enormous, unfriendly, furry creatures inhabiting the Enchanted Wood of the Dreamlands. Highly unattractive, their fang-filled mouths open vertically (and are just large enough to eat you up in a single gulp). Gugs like to snack on their nearby friends, the ghasts.

  THREAT: Low (Again, it’s the Dreamlands—just wake up)

  WHAT TO DO: Only travel through gug-infested lands when gugs are sleeping. Luckily gugs like to nap after a big meal, such as after feeding on a ghast. So feed them a ghast.

  HASTUR

  (ALSO: HIM WHO IS NOT TO BE NAMED, THE UNSPEAKABLE ONE)

  Whoops. Guess we shouldn’t have named him. Apologies.

  Him Who is Not to be Named is a dangerous deity of the Cthulhu Mythos. It’s not certain exactly what Him Who is Not to be Named is, but many consider him to be one of the Great Old Ones.

  THREAT: Depends. Did you name him, or read a book naming him?

  WHAT TO DO: Well, don’t call him/her/it by Hastur, for starters.

  HOUNDS OF TINDALOS

  The Hounds of Tindalos appear in Frank Belknap Long’s story “The Hound of Tindalos,” but they are mentioned indirectl
y by Lovecraft. The spooky hounds live in the distant past, and experience time differently than humans do. They are not fond of anyone who attempts to transcend the boundaries of time. If they catch a whiff of you traveling through time, they’ll hunt you to your death. Once the Hounds of Tindalos have your scent, they can follow you back to your dimension, and enter your plane of existence through angles and corners. So if you’ve angered a Hound, make sure you stay clear of . . . well, most everywhere.

  THREAT: High, if you’re a time traveler

  WHAT TO DO: Buy a round house

  LENG

  High, desolate plateau that is likely located in the Dreamlands (accounts vary).

  THREAT: None

  WHAT TO DO: Don’t visit the Plateau. The High Priest Not to Be Described hangs out in a monastery located on the Plateau of Leng. And the High Priest, given his name, is believed to be Hastur—sorry—Him Who is Not to be Named.

  MARSH FAMILY

  The Marsh family is one of the most prominent family lines in Innsmouth, Massachusetts. The town was founded by Jebediah Marsh. His descendant Obed was almost singlehandedly responsible for turning the population into hybrid fish-folk, forcing residents to breed with Deep Ones.