Notes of a Crocodile
Page 21
“Not anymore, my dearest bride. I wish I could, but it’s impossible now. I didn’t love you at all then. Four years later, my masculine side loves you, and my feminine side loves Chu Kuang. But how can I truly love anyone when in the back of my mind, I’ve already given myself to a goddess? Isn’t it incredible? It was all in the master plan.” He closed his eyes as if he were imagining it. “Not only that, but death no longer holds the same meaning for me. I’m stronger now. Whether I live or die, I’m doomed all the same, so there’s no need for me to court death. That’s a weight no one can carry. I’ll just wait calmly, and whatever happens, happens.”
“But if that’s how you see it, Meng Sheng, then your world is perpetually coming to an end. Love is dead, hope is dead, faith is dead. I would never stand by and watch the people I love suffer. It would kill me. Every second of existence would be painful. My mind would scream that Judgment Day was near. Is that how you live? I’d be at my wit’s end if I didn’t force myself to stop or turn back. I have to save myself from myself. If there’s no need to court death, like you said, why put yourself through all of this?”
“You have to get over this whole idea of me!” He stood up. Leaning against the wall, he started to gag violently.
Leaping away, I hopped off the steps. Standing in the plaza, I looked up at the sky and wailed until my throat hurt.
“Meng Sheng, you really want to die!” I hollered at him. Though I couldn’t help crying out, there were no tears in me. “You’re even more pathetic than I am. Why don’t you go love a little? Why don’t you ever put yourself out there and try to forge a real connection with anyone?
“You just stand back at a safe distance and act like it’s all a joke. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this goddess, in her heart, loves you? That maybe not loving you is her way of loving you?” I shouted at him hoarsely. My words seemed to come from an unfamiliar voice.
“Just shut up. I don’t want to talk anymore. This is pointless. . . .” Gripping his head in his hands, he thrashed around violently.
“You’re not a coward at all. You’re brave in a hundred ways, but you’re a coward in one, which is in love. Maybe it’s true that pain is an unavoidable part of existence, but some things are close enough to perfection, and they’re right in front of us. They’ve been there all along, you’re just not willing to admit it.
“Have you ever thought about how much Chu Kuang needed your love, no matter how badly you treated him? The smallest gesture meant the world to him. You can’t walk away from or deny all that. I think you’re afraid of being truly loved. . . .”
Meng Sheng let out a sharp cry, cursing me as he banged his head wildly against the blue pay phone.
I fished a small banknote out of his bag and ran to the rear entrance, but the gate was locked. My head was spinning. I scrambled up the brick wall, scraping my hands on the shards of glass littered on top of it. The full moon came into view as I made it over, and just then, I was reminded of how in Truffaut’s The 400 Blows, the boy breaks out of prison and runs to the sea, and that final close-up of the expression on his face.
(Freeze frame.)
9
It was the last hurrah of Crocodile Month. Starting at noon, TTV continuously displayed a news ticker that read: EXCLUSIVE! FIRST-EVER ON-CAMERA PROFILE SENT TO US BY A CROCODILE! TUNE IN FOR A SPECIAL BROADCAST AT SEVEN.
Seven o’clock arrived. Each and every household turned on their television sets. CTV and CTS showed animated films.
An announcer declared the start of the broadcast, then the title appeared: Last Words of a Crocodile. The camera shook as a figure in a white paper mask leapt out of the way of the shot, yelling at the crocodile to hurry up and get ready. (Note: That was the director, and his name was Jarman.) The white paper mask was gone, though a white-gloved finger remained in the corner of the frame. (Note: The camera hadn’t been turned on properly.) There was a shot of someone carrying a piss bucket up the stairs, closing the door behind them.
The scene cut to the seaside. A bathtub was floating in shallow waters. Someone wearing a white mask was reclining inside, their body cloaked in a white robe. The bathtub was lined with holes into which bouquets were stuffed. (Note: That part of the video had been lifted from The Garden.) It was followed by footage of someone sitting on the toilet, then standing up and peeling off a bodysuit. Then the monologue began. The camera panned across piles of goods that had been packed into a basement.
“Ho! How is everyone? I’m a crocodile. I’m probably the only real crocodile out there. I’ve waited for this day to come. You’ve all been looking for me, and I can’t believe your warmth and enthusiasm, I really, really like you guys.
“To start things off, I wanted to tell everyone about a variety show that held a contest seeking the answer to a riddle. And the riddle was, ‘What is friendship?’ Though I wrote a hundred postcards on friendship and sent them in, they still didn’t pick mine. Then I called the China Times with a tip, saying I’d discovered a crocodile. The response has been so overwhelming that I’ve had to take a step back. I’ve been lying low, wondering if it was just a passing fad. But the truth is, I couldn’t be happier!
“This is a bodysuit that I sewed for myself because my skin has been green ever since I was little. My mother said it would scare the other children. There aren’t any red patches on my skin though. Also, I have bad teeth. They grew in jagged, so I have to wear braces. I think that’s it. Oh my goodness! And I’m totally oviparous. I can show you—” (Jump cut.) “I hope everyone will continue to like me, even if I stay out of sight. Oh my goodness! I can’t eat cream puffs anymore, and I’m living in a prison like Genet. Oh, that’s right—I want to perform a bit of ‘The Ballad of the Crocodile.’ Do you all mind?”
The camera cut back to the seaside. The crocodile sat in a wooden bathtub with a burning torch mounted to its side. A finger abruptly entered the frame, pointing at the bathtub as it drifted out to sea, and suddenly the entire bathtub erupted into flames. As the camera zoomed in slowly, the image on the screen dissolved into a sea of fire. . . .
Note: As Jarman said, “I have nothing more to say. . . . I wish you all the best!”