Paper Boats

by Lestari, Dee

  Kugy smiled bitterly. “Oh please. Josh and I were worlds apart. Our relationship was a time bomb waiting to explode.”

  Noni’s expression grew serious. “You’re my friend. You’ll always have my support. But to be frank, I’ve seen a big change in you. It’s like you’re pulling away on purpose. Josh felt it, too, and he spoke to me about it a long time ago. He thought something wasn’t right.” Noni paused. “I didn’t want to say anything, but to be honest, we all miss the old Kugy.”

  Kugy thought hard, trying to piece together an explanation, but all she could come up with was a tangled ball of yarn. She didn’t know where to start. Everything was muddled. “Thanks for your concern,” Kugy said finally, “but really, I’m fine. I don’t know what ‘old Kugy’ you’re talking about, but this is me. If I really have changed, well then, take me as I am—the same way I take you, Eko, Josh, and Keenan as you are. That’s what friends do.”

  The look of protest on Noni’s face was plain, but Kugy’s words seemed to silence her. “Whatever you say,” she said coldly, and closed the door behind her.

  Kugy sat in front of her computer lost in thought. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. She understood what Noni had meant when she said they missed her. She felt the loss as keenly as her friends did. But Kugy didn’t know where she should look to find herself. It was all too bewildering.

  The atmosphere in the room was unbearable. Keenan and his father sat facing each other at the dining table, but there was no food in front of them. Between them sat Keenan’s mother, watching the fight intently, like a referee at a boxing match. Meanwhile, Jeroen had shut himself in his room. He hated hearing people argue.

  “This is why I never approved of sending him to Amsterdam!” Keenan’s father shouted. “This is why! Lena, look at your son. Who does he think he is? He dares to ask if he can withdraw from school just because he’s sold a few paintings. He doesn’t consider how I, his father, have nearly worked myself to the bone to pay for his education.” He turned to Keenan again. “Bring me a calculator! Let’s work out how much money has been spent on you. Can you pay back all your school fees with the check you got from the gallery? Come on! Let’s work it out!”

  Keenan looked like he was about to explode. But he controlled himself, clenching his jaw. “This isn’t about money, Dad,” he said with restraint. “I’ll never be able to repay you for everything you’ve given me. But I really can’t bear to pretend that I like being at university any longer. I can’t bear to continue doing what I don’t like when my heart lies elsewhere.”

  “What is wrong with you? You managed to get the highest GPA in your class without even trying! Why is it so hard for you to continue your studies?”

  Keenan spoke slowly. “I don’t belong in that world, Dad. That’s not the path I want my life to take.”

  Adri snorted and shook his head. “What do you know about life? You’re not even twenty years old. You don’t know anything!”

  Keenan answered bitterly, “I know that the life I’ve been leading is the life you want for me, not what I want for myself. I’m withdrawing from university. Starting next semester, I won’t burden you any longer. I’ll find a way to make money and support myself.”

  “Keenan!” Lena exclaimed. “Let op je woorden! Ga niet te ver. Watch what you’re saying.”

  Adri stood up. He stared at his son in disbelief. “Don’t think I’m impressed by your efforts to be financially independent. You don’t know what you’re up against out there—”

  “I’m sorry,” Keenan said firmly. “I don’t want to hurt you or Mom with my decision, but I can’t go on like this any longer.”

  Lena was about to speak, but her husband held up his hand to stop her. “Okay. If that’s what you really want, go ahead.” Adri’s voice was fierce, decisive. “From this moment on, I withdraw my financial support. By all means, experience what life is really like. Manage your own affairs. But I don’t want to know anything about them.”

  Lena couldn’t control herself any longer. “Adri! Don’t you do anything rash, either. We can discuss this later—”

  Keenan also stood up. “Enough, Mom,” he said calmly. “Het is goed zo—if that’s how it is, then fine. This is what I want. I’ll pack up now and head back to Bandung.”

  “Yes. Let him go,” Adri answered.

  “You two!” Lena protested. “You’re exactly the same—hard-headed and full of pride! Come, let’s sit back down. This isn’t the way to resolve this problem. There must be a better solution.”

  But neither Keenan nor his father sat back down. They continued standing where they were, glaring at each other.

  “Laat maar gaan, Lena. We’ll see who returns to our doorstep, begging for forgiveness and swallowing his words.” Adri’s tone was frigid.

  Keenan smiled darkly. “Yes. We’ll see.”

  When he returned to Bandung, Keenan didn’t delay in carrying out his plans. He was aware he was turning his life upside down, and his emotions were a mixture of excitement and fear. But he knew there was no going back.

  For the entire semester break, Keenan bustled about, seeing to the paperwork necessary for his withdrawal. Then with Bimo’s help, Keenan moved to a much smaller boarding house in an alley in Sekeloa, where rent was several times cheaper.

  Keenan didn’t touch the check from the Warsita Gallery. He was determined to cash it only if his circumstances became dire, and was relying entirely on what he had left of his personal savings. As a result, he knew that he couldn’t live as he did before.

  Bimo set the last box down on the floor. The small room felt too cramped to hold even the two of them. Bimo hastily opened the door to let in some fresh air.

  “You’re the craziest person I know,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not sure whether you’re stubborn or stupid. But I salute your courage.”

  Keenan grinned and wiped the sweat from his forehead. “I don’t know whether I’m crazy or not myself. But what I do know is I feel like this is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

  “You’re definitely out of your mind. The highest GPA two semesters in a row, and you drop out! Pass on your knowledge, man! Take pity on a guy like me. My GPA’s in the 1.0s.”

  “Relax. As long as I’m in Bandung, I’ll always be able to help you out. You know where to find me.” Keenan smiled.

  “Does anyone else know you’re living here?”

  “Only you.”

  “Eko?”

  Keenan shook his head.

  Bimo took this as a sign that he shouldn’t tell anyone else Keenan had moved. A lot of questions came to mind, but he felt it was better to ask them some other time. “Our class has lost its specter,” Bimo sighed as he clapped Keenan on the shoulder.

  “Who knows? Now that I don’t have to be a university student, maybe I’ll roam the campus in some other form. A tiger, maybe.”

  “Please don’t. The freshman girls will be here soon, and I don’t want to have to compete with you.” Bimo laughed again before heading out.

  Once Bimo was gone, Keenan sat in his new room lost in thought. It was located in the attic. Clotheslines hung with laundry crisscrossed in front of his window. This would be his view every day. Cats sunning themselves on the neighboring roofs would be his constant companions. And he would have to breathe this warm, stuffy air for who knew how long. He didn’t have many belongings, but their presence made the small room feel even more cramped. Still, for the first time since he had returned to Indonesia, Keenan felt free.

  Kugy had decided to enroll in courses over the semester break. At times she admitted to herself that the decision had not been for purely academic reasons. Rather it was an attempt to run away from the circumstances she found so uncomfortable and oppressive. Better to immerse herself in her studies and a growing pile of tasks than deal with Noni, who was now keeping her distance; Eko, who’d felt obliged to stick with his girlfriend; and Keenan, who had vanished without a trace—not to mention the lingering guil
t she felt about Josh.

  After returning from classes and teaching at the Sakola Alit in the afternoon, Kugy couldn’t wait to collapse onto her bed. But her quick pace changed into a slow tiptoe when she saw Fuad parked outside her boarding house. As carefully as possible, Kugy slipped in and headed to her room.

  Just as Kugy was about to turn the handle and enter her room, Eko popped out from behind Noni’s door. “Hey, you. You’ve been gone for ages.”

  Kugy felt obliged to be pleasant. “You’re the one who’s been gone,” she said with a wide grin. “I’ve been here this whole time.”

  “Oh really? So why is it that every time I come over, you’re never around? Every time I invite you out, you never want to come? Word on the street is you’re taking courses over the break. In a hurry to graduate so you can abandon us, huh?” Eko stepped out of Noni’s room and shook his head. “Liar. Where’ve you been? We miss you, you know.”

  “I miss you, too. But I’ve been really busy lately.” It was true. Never mind hanging out with Eko or any of her other friends—she rarely even had time for a nap.

  “I get that you’re busy. But make the time to come next week, okay?”

  “Come where?” Kugy asked.

  “Noni’s birthday. You didn’t know?” Eko looked at her in dismay. “She wants to throw a party in Jakarta. It’s going to be huge. Actually, we’re driving there later this afternoon. She wants to get everything ready.”

  Noni poked her head out. Her expression changed when she realized who Eko was talking to. “Hey,” she said reluctantly. “Did you just get home?”

  “Hi,” Kugy responded, half-mumbling.

  Eko looked at Noni, then at Kugy. “I think you two need to talk. I’ll just wait out front, okay?” Then, ignoring the stares they were giving him, he strolled away.

  “I heard you’re having a party next week,” Kugy said stiffly. “Cool.”

  “Yeah, hopefully. All my friends know about it. A bunch of people in Jakarta already said they’ll come. Some people here in Bandung said they’ll come as well.” Noni spoke deliberately—pointing out that Kugy, ironically, was the last to know.

  Kugy was well aware of the deeper meaning behind Noni’s tone. “I’m sorry. I know our last conversation didn’t go well. I hate how we’ve been acting so cold to each other. I’m so sorry, Noni. Really I am. I’ve been insensitive and inconsiderate to you and Eko.”

  Noni lifted her head and looked at Kugy, and she knew she loved the strange creature standing before her too much to stay angry for long.

  “It’s okay,” said Noni. “I’m sorry, too, for interfering with you and Josh. I’m sure you had your reasons, and I didn’t have the right to meddle. Whatever the case, you’re still my friend.” A hint of a smile appeared on her face. “But can I make one request?”

  “Anything,” Kugy answered, smiling.

  “Come to my birthday party next week, okay? You’re my oldest friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and now we’re approaching our twenties. It’ll mean so much to me if you could come. Please?”

  “I’ll be there,” declared Kugy.

  Noni gave her a hug. “You monkey. Don’t disappear on me again,” she whispered.

  “I won’t. Except when I go looking for bananas,” Kugy whispered back.

  Noni laughed. “I’m off to Jakarta. I’ll see you next week at Wanda’s house, okay?”

  Kugy swallowed. Her heart shrunk a few inches. “Wanda’s house?”

  “I’m having a garden party and borrowing Wanda’s backyard,” said Noni cheerfully. “It’s huge as hell. Everything’s going to be awesome. Wanda’s organizing it. All you have to do is show up and have fun, okay? Gotta go! See you next week!”

  Kugy watched as Noni happily scurried away, following her friend’s retreating figure until it disappeared behind the front gate. Now that she knew where the party was being held, she felt a new weight pressing down on her shoulders. She imagined what the party would be like and envisioned a variety of painful scenarios. Dragging her feet, Kugy returned to her room more exhausted than before.

  CHAPTER 19

  THE DISASTROUS PARTY

  Wanda almost fainted when she entered Keenan’s new boarding house. Luckily, she summoned the strength to make it to Keenan’s room. She sat down on the thin mattress.

  “What are you doing in a place like this? I admire your courage in withdrawing from school for the sake of your art. But this? This is extreme! Why don’t you just come to Jakarta? I can find you a place.” Wanda wiped her face with a tissue. Bandung may have been cooler than Jakarta, but Keenan’s room was on the top floor—the roasting it received from the midday sun made it hot and stuffy.

  “I’m better off in Bandung. The cost of living is cheaper here. And I can concentrate on painting without too many distractions.” As Keenan spoke, he opened the door and window to let in some air.

  “How can you paint anything in a crummy place like this?” protested Wanda, fanning her face. “My family has a mountain villa in Puncak. If you want to stay there and paint I could ask Dad. I’m sure he’d let you. It’s closer to Jakarta, too. How about it?”

  “Nah. It’s nice enough here at night. You can see the open sky from out there.” Keenan gestured to the window and smiled. “Want to see?”

  Wanda turned away. “How long are you going to stay here?”

  Keenan shrugged. “Dunno. But one thing’s for sure—once I make enough money from selling my artwork, I’ll definitely find a better place to live. But I can’t think about that now. What’s important is preparing for the exhibition and painting as much as possible.”

  “So, just because you paint poor kids, you feel you have to live like them, too?” Wanda snapped. “Is that it?” She crossed her arms.

  Keenan clenched his jaw and summoned all his patience. “I can take you back to the hotel if you’re uncomfortable here. Tomorrow, we’ll meet up and leave for Jakarta together, okay?”

  “Where will you stay in Jakarta, since you can’t go back home? I’ll book a hotel room, okay? I can keep you company.”

  “You don’t have to. I’ll stay with Bimo.”

  Wanda rose to her feet. “Fine. Up to you,” she said curtly. “Don’t get up. I can go back to the hotel myself. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Keenan knew Wanda was sulking, but he decided not to say anything. He let her go.

  Just as she was about to leave the room, Wanda turned around. Her face was flushed—partly because she was too hot and partly because she was annoyed. “You know what? I can’t count how many guys would kill to be this close to me, to get 10 percent of the attention I give you. Maybe Eko and Noni are right. You’re so . . . weird!” Then she spun around and stalked away.

  “Wanda, be careful . . .”

  He heard the sound of someone’s head hitting wood.

  Keenan winced. “The ceiling above the stairs is very low. You have to duck—”

  But Wanda didn’t want to hear any more. He could hear her heels clicking swiftly away down the stairs. Her disgust at his new home was now complete.

  At long last, Kugy could take a break. Although it was only for one day, she tried to make the most of her free time. After spending the whole day at an Internet café, Kugy went to the supermarket. She had almost run out of food. Singing softly to herself, she carried her shopping basket to the drink section to stock up on her favorite fruit juice.

  To her surprise, she saw Wanda there reaching for the same juice. Kugy hurried away, but she sensed Wanda walking in the same direction right behind her. She prayed Wanda wouldn’t recognize her.

  Kugy reached the housewares section and found herself cornered. There was no avoiding it—Wanda was headed straight for her. Kugy snatched a broom and hid her face behind the black bristles. She could hear the steps coming closer. This couldn’t be happening. It was all a bad dream.

  She heard a voice. “Kugy?” It was both a greeting and a question.

  Kugy had no choi
ce but to lower the broom. She mustered up the heartiest laugh she could manage. “Wanda! Are you looking for a broom, too?”

  “No. I was just passing through.” Wanda smiled sweetly. “That’s a big broom. Planning to sweep the streets with it?”

  “No, planning to fly with it,” Kugy answered with an even sweeter smile. “When did you arrive in Bandung?”

  “I’m heading home to Jakarta in a little while with Keenan. I’m just shopping for him. Poor thing, he works so late, and never has any food.” Wanda pointed to her basket, which was almost overflowing.

  “If you’re getting that much food for him, he’ll definitely need a hand. I’d be happy to help him finish it.” Kugy chuckled.

  Wanda frowned in surprise. “So you know where he lives now?”

  “He’s no longer at his boarding house?” It was Kugy’s turn to be surprised.

  The sweet smile returned to Wanda’s face. “Don’t you know? Keenan’s withdrawn from university. He wants to devote himself to painting. And he’s moved.”

  Kugy’s jaw dropped. “Keenan’s withdrawn? Why didn’t he tell me?”

  “I guess he only told his close friends,” said Wanda, shrugging. “Anyway, he’s busy preparing for the exhibition. After that, we’re moving to Jakarta. Because after that, we’re traveling together to promote his paintings.” She spoke nonchalantly. “His family’s mad at him because of his decision to quit school. So”—Wanda let out a long sigh, a look of concern on her face—“except for me, he doesn’t have anyone now.”

  Kugy was silent as she tried to digest Wanda’s words. At last she said, slowly, “Tell him congrats for me. For his upcoming exhibition, I mean.”

  Wanda nodded. “You’re coming to Noni’s party, right? It’s going to be fun. Noni, Eko, me, and Keenan are all hosting it.”

  “I’ll try,” Kugy answered curtly. Then she and Wanda said good-bye.

  To steady her wildly beating heart, Kugy decided to walk home. She couldn’t articulate her feelings. The tangled ball of yarn felt even more tangled. Kugy was shocked at Keenan’s decision, and also disappointed because she hadn’t heard about it from him. And she felt heartbroken knowing Wanda and Keenan were so close. Suddenly, she felt stupid. All this time she had thought she occupied a special place in Keenan’s life. It turned out she was wrong. She was nothing more than an insignificant extra.