First Thing I See

by Vi Keeland

  ***

  Dad insisted that I get a spa treatment while he was at his conference that afternoon. I hadn’t realized how tense I was until my body started to relax half way through the one hour stress relief massage. My eyes closed and my muscles relaxed, I laid in the dark room quietly thinking after the treatment was over. How had I gotten here? I am completely and utterly in love with a man and I’m not even really sure what he feels for me. I felt scared and vulnerable. He could obliterate me with only a few words. I was sure Kennedy had no clue how I was feeling. Scared and vulnerable weren’t in him. Unlike me, he was strong and in control.

  ***

  It felt odd to unpack clothes from my overnight bag and not have spent the weekend with Kennedy. We had spent every free moment we could find with each other since we met. I opened my dresser drawer to put away the t-shirt I had packed but never worn, and the ice cream painting Kennedy had bought me after our first date stared at me. My body reacted to the memory of our first date. The way he made the hair on the nape of my neck stand on edge with just a brush of his hand against my skin. I remembered how he looked at me, like I was the only woman in the room. Like no one else but me existed for him and we were in a secret universe. I missed him already and couldn’t allow myself to think I had seen him for the last time.

  It was a little after six when I finally managed to get up the courage to call him. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to hear. He answered the phone on the second ring and my heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice.

  “Are you back home safely?”

  “Yes. How was your weekend?”

  “You weren’t here, how do you think it was?” He didn’t speak with sarcasm in his voice, but his words were decisive and factual.

  “I’m so confused about what is going on with us Kennedy.” My eyes closed and I sighed hating how weak I sounded.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you with putting a bodyguard on you. He wasn’t supposed to interfere in your life; you shouldn’t have even known he was around. I only want you to be safe beautiful.”

  I was irritated by his lack of apology. Did he think the problem was that the goon interfered with my life or that he had hired the goon at all? “I should have known he was around. If you wanted to put a tail on me I should have been involved in the decision.”

  “He wasn’t a tail. He was there for your personal safety.” His response was terse.

  “And why would I need a bodyguard at all?” I could give attitude right back to him.

  “I told you, for your safety.” He was getting angry, but I was angrier.

  “Well if he wasn’t following me, and was only there for my personal safety, why didn’t you tell me that you had hired him?”

  “Because we would have had this fight sooner, rather than later.” He was probably right, but the response just pissed me off even more.

  “Why do you want me to move to Chicago Kennedy?”

  Silence for a moment and then “Because I want to wake up to your beautiful face every day. I want your smile to be the first thing I see every morning when I wake up and the last thing I see every night before I fall asleep. Because my apartment seems empty without you in it, and it physically hurts to go through whole days without touching you. Because I haven’t been able to focus since the day I met you, and I don’t think I could live with myself if anything ever happened to you while you were in New York and I was here.”

  I was speechless. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you forgive me and will move to Chicago Hope.”

  My heart told me to scream yes, but my brain hadn’t gotten there yet. “How about if I say I forgive you, but I need more time to think about moving to Chicago?”

  He let out a deep breath. “Okay, but I’ll have to spend all of next weekend demonstrating the benefits of living here.” His voice was sexy and sultry.

  “Sounds like I just made a very good deal for myself with a hard core negotiator, Mr. Jenner.” I flirted my response.

  He laughed and I closed my eyes and envisioned him smiling the full on dimple smile that made my knees go weak.

  “Actually, I’m the one who got the good deal Ms. York. I can think of nothing else I’d rather do with my time.”

  ***

  Monday and Tuesday went by quickly. The hotel manager, George, was on vacation so I was helping out the assistant manager that normally worked nights on some open projects. I was glad that we were so busy, because it kept me from counting the minutes until Friday night when I walked off the plane and got to see Kennedy.

  Shauna was excited about Kennedy and I trying to work it out, and had decided that new lingerie was required for the upcoming weekend. She took me to Starlet’s Palace downtown in Greenwich Village after work, and we spent almost two hours laughing and trying things on. From the outside of the store it appeared that they sold romantic lingerie, but the inside was anything but romantic. It was crammed with merchandise from floor to ceiling, and it was astounding to see that much sex related paraphernalia in one place.

  There had to be hundreds of different vibrator choices alone, and then there was an entire side of the store dedicated just to fetishes. There were rubber suits, whips, chains, role play costumes, inflatable dolls, rows upon rows of sex toys ranging from nipple clamps to penis grips. The whole store was just too much to take in at once. The woman that worked there looked like the thirties version of the girl next door and was dressed in a catholic school uniform cut short enough so that her ass cheeks actually showed without bending.

  I settled on a white lace bustier with emerald green ribbon lacing through the top and skimpy white lace panties with a hidden slit in the crotch for easy access and a G string in the back. The lingerie was displayed with a sexy lace garter belt and sheer white thigh high stockings. I added an emerald green garter and Shauna swore that the outfit was sex kitten meets librarian. We left the store $350 later, but I couldn’t remember the last time I had giggled that much.

  Later that night I pulled open my end table drawer to put away my purchases and saw the folder that Shauna had brought me when I had first met Kennedy. I had completely forgotten about her research, and the events of late had made me curious to find out more about Kennedy’s past. Even my Dad had encouraged me to find out how Kennedy’s past had shaped him into the man he had become.

  I poured myself a glass of wine and set the folder on the bed. I wasn’t really betraying Kennedy if I did a little research, was I? My head told me I wasn’t, but for some reason my heart didn’t agree. I knew I had to find a way to get my head and heart on the same page, and I wondered if the folder held some answers. I took a few sips of my wine and opened the folder hesitantly. The first few articles were from social pages and had pictures of Kennedy and different women. Some of the pictures were of Kennedy and Mikayla, others had pictures of women that I didn’t recognize. But all were beautiful and the photos made my stomach go sour.

  My attention caught on a picture of Kennedy and an older woman that I had met at the benefit we attended for families of victims in Chicago. The picture was a few years old and the woman was younger, but it was unmistakably her. I remembered she had told me that she was glad that Kennedy seemed happy and that Kelly would have been happy for him too. But Kennedy had never explained about Kelly so I scanned the article for an answer.

  Erica Preston and Kennedy Jenner attended the fourth annual Families United charity event at Hotel Marimount. Mr. Jenner founded the organization to help cover the costs of treatment for surviving family members of victims of violent crimes. The organization was founded in honor of Kelly Preston, Mr. Jenner’s high school sweetheart. Ms. Preston disappeared seven years ago, at the age of 15 while walking to a friend’s home. The police investigation determined Ms. Preston was taken into a car against her will based upon blood found in an abandoned vehicle. Ms. Preston’s body was never recovered. Families United provides assistance to families
that have difficulty resuming their life after surviving tragic events.

  My heart stopped and shattered into a million little pieces. I clutched my chest in physical pain. Kennedy. The man that I deeply love had loved and lost and my heart broke thinking of his hurt. I couldn’t bear the thought of what he must have gone through. How it must have had such a profound effect on his life that it was still such a big part of him so many years later. My beloved strong and unwavering Kennedy.

  I saw more of the puzzle pieces fall into place before my eyes. He was scared of something happening to me. He needed to protect me. He wasn’t having me watched because he didn’t trust me, it was to protect me. He had told me that from the beginning and I didn’t believe him. Dad was right, the past had made the man who he was today. But why didn’t he tell me? It would have been so easy to just explain. Did I even give him a chance to explain? I was such an idiot.

  Chapter 22

  I was glad to see George back at work on Wednesday, because I had decided the night before that I couldn’t wait until Friday to see Kennedy. I told George I needed to take a few days off for a family emergency and booked a flight for that afternoon. I rushed through the morning of rescheduling appointments and taking care of things that had to be done before I left. I knew that it was risky to ask for time off when I had only been there a few months, but George seemed understanding and I had already decided that I was going whether I was allowed the time off or not. Luckily, it worked out and I still had a job when my flight landed at O’Hare late Wednesday afternoon.

  I hadn’t told Kennedy I was coming, because I wanted to surprise him. The last ten days had been difficult for both of us and I needed to see him in person. I called him in his office when I got into the taxi so that I could confirm where I was heading. I was relieved when he answered the phone so quickly.

  “Is everything okay?” I didn’t usually call him in the middle of the day.

  His voice set me at ease. “Yes, I’m just having a busy day and wanted to hear your voice.”

  “I’m in a meeting right now. But that is good news. Can we pick this up in an hour?” It was evident that he had people sitting around him, but I could tell he was smiling when he spoke.

  “Sure. Have fun at your meeting.”

  I dropped the phone into my bag and fidgeted in my seat. I was excited and hearing his voice made me feel tipsy, as if I had been drinking all morning. Twenty minutes later, I saw his building from a distance and took out my mirror to freshen up my makeup while we sat in traffic.

  We pulled up and I felt like a little girl waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the tree lined with presents underneath. I opened the door of the taxi and my gaze went to the front door. Mikayla was walking out from the building and caught me in her sight as instantaneously as I had caught hers. She gave me a knowing smile and I watched her laugh at me from a distance.

  I froze, unable to move either out of the taxi or back in. The impatient taxi driver interrupted my thoughts. “Miss, I can’t double park here so you are going to have to get out now.” My brain was trying to process what was happening. Why was Mikayla leaving Kennedy’s office? Was she the appointment that he had to hang up on me for? I suddenly felt a wave of nausea come over me. Mikayla stood in front of the building watching me as I folded back into the taxi.

  “Please take me back to the airport.” My heart was pounding and I was sure I was going to vomit in the taxi. The thought of Kennedy with Mikayla made me sick to my stomach and the inside of the taxi was spinning. I was dizzy.

  The driver shrugged and pulled away. “Whatever you want Miss, it’s your fare.”

  I didn’t cry the whole way back to New York. I just sat in my seat and went through the motions in a trance. I was numb.

  ***

  I thought Kennedy might come to New York when I didn’t respond to his messages on Wednesday night, but he didn’t. Thursday I didn’t get out of bed all day. My work had already given me the days off, and I was in no condition to function and plan other people’s happy events for them. I knew I had to deal with Kennedy, but I didn’t feel strong enough. I hadn’t slept most of the night and woke myself up crying after two hours when I finally did fall asleep.

  I was in and out of consciousness all day, alternating between crying and feeling sorry for myself and being angry with Kennedy. I was still wearing the clothes I had wore to work the day before when I answered the phone flashing Kennedy’s picture.

  “Hello.” I was glad he had caught me when I was angry instead of crying. At least I could get away with some semblance of my dignity.

  “Hey. What happened last night? I tried to call you back after my appointment, but it kept going to voicemail.”

  “After your appointment?” My voice was getting loud already. “How was your appointment anyway?”

  “It was productive. What’s going on Hope, you sound upset?” Upset didn’t quiet do enough to describe what I was feeling. Angry, betrayed, heartbroken, violent.

  “I saw your appointment Kennedy.”

  “You saw Mark?”

  I laughed with sarcasm. “Yeah right, Mark. I saw Mikayla leave your building.”

  “You are in Chicago?”

  “I was in Chicago. And my timing was perfect. Mikayla and I had a conversation without words outside of your building. Then I realized I was a complete idiot and came back to New York.”

  “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I haven’t seen Mikayla since the night we both saw her at the charity dinner.” His tone was curt, his anger evident.

  “I can’t do this anymore Kennedy. I was so worried that you didn’t trust me that I didn’t stop to think it was because you couldn’t be trusted. I thought I had it all figured out, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.”

  “I’ve never lied to you. “

  “No, you just leave things out.” I slammed my phone shut and turned the ringer off. I couldn’t take talking to him anymore. I was so desperate that I would eventually start to believe what he said over what was right before my eyes. I didn’t want to be the fool who gets taken advantage of. I’d watched it happen in front of my eyes before and I knew how much it hurt.

  Chapter 23

  "You look like crap.” Shauna stood with her hips against my kitchen counter with her arms folded. A position I had come to know meant battle. Once Shauna thought something needed to be done, nothing got in her way. I had once witnessed her convince a six foot ten player to admit he had a drug problem to the coach because she was concerned for his safety. The player was suspended for four months and spent three in a rehab. His admission cost him more than two million dollars in fines.

  “Kennedy is not the only man out there. You are beautiful, smart and independent, now start acting like it.”

  Hearing Kennedy’s name made me said. I had hoped that the last week was a bad dream and that he would come tell me I was wrong and that he loved me, but I hadn’t heard from him after our last conversation where I told him I knew he was cheating on me.

  I couldn’t even cry anymore, I had no more tears after four days of wallowing in my own self pity. “I know you are right, I think I just need some time. It’s hard for me to accept the man I love is a cheater. It brings up such bad memories. I saw it with my own eyes, but I still don’t want to believe it’s true.”

  “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry this happened to you, but we need to get you out of here, get some fresh air.”

  An hour later we were bundled up and walking along 6th Avenue arm in arm. Christmas had hit the city with a vengeance. There were trees and white twinkling lights everywhere. Santas appeared on every street corner shaking a bell while a pot hung patiently waiting for the bustling crowds carrying packages to remember the Christmas spirit. Red velvet ropes with lines of families spread long and wide around department stores offering elaborate holiday themed window displays.

  I watched as couples walked hand in hand carrying gifts and packages. A few brave men dragged Christmas trees down the
street. It reminded me that I had planned to get a small tree next weekend while Kennedy was in town and have him help me decorate it. But now I didn’t want to celebrate or decorate. I just wanted to close my eyes and go back in time and make it all okay again.

  I did my best to pretend our long walk did me good, but Shauna could always see right through me. She gave me a hug when we reached my building and made me promise to meet her for drinks Tuesday night.

  ***

  Lauren was startled when she answered the door for Tuesday night dinner. In the fifteen years she had known him, she had never seen Kennedy look anything other than impeccably groomed and confident. “What’s wrong? Are you sick? Is Hope okay?”

  “I’m fine, Hope and I broke up and I don’t want to talk about it.” Kennedy hadn’t shaved in three days. He wore sweatpants and a thermal, rather than his normal crisp, expensive business suit. His blue eyes were rimmed with dark circles and his normally deep olive skin was sallow.

  She glanced at Franklin with concern and gave Kennedy a hug. “I’m sorry honey.”

  After dinner, Franklin and Kennedy normally sat on the deck for a drink together, but Franklin volunteered to clean up giving Lauren a silent look that she understood. “I’ll clean up tonight sweetheart, you had a long week, why don’t you go relax and have an after dinner drink with Kennedy and I’ll put the kids to sleep.”

  Outside on the deck was cold in the December air, but Kennedy didn’t feel it. Lauren brought Kennedy his usual drink and poured herself an Amaretto to keep warm. “Do I look that bad that he sent in the big guns?” Kennedy took a big gulp from his tumbler and set it down on the end table next to the glider he sat in alone.

  Lauren sat across from him rocking in the rocking chair, watching Kennedy’s movements. “What happened? I thought you finally found the one?”

  Kennedy stared straight ahead. His warm breath visible as he blew out deep into the cold air. “So did I.”